Parenting Advice....

[TammyinTN]

Lately our 10 year old has become for lack of another work...a brat. With all the other stuff happening in my life I feel like I have let this slide and now I'm ready to handle this situation. I'll give you an example. He was ask to take our doggy out to potty. He did it really quickly, like they went down and turned around and came back. So, I ask him to please take her back and give her a few minutes as I had to get dressed for an appointment. He turns to me and said...if you don't like it, you do it. Never, ever has he said something to me like that. My face turned red and he took her and ran back outside. I have yet to address this situation since I had to leave for an appointment very quickly. WWYD?

 

 

Also, while I'm asking for help...we start back to school on Monday and I'm thinking of banning TV/Wii and anything electronic during the school week..does this sound to harsh? Do you think he will kick the bucket if I do this?

 

Thank you for any advice. :D

[Dayle in Guatemala]

We ban TV, Computer for non-school reasons, and video games during the school week. It was difficult for them at first, but, then they got used to it and it wasn't so bad. It was just too distracting for them. It works for us, although I know families who don't have to do that and it's fine for them!

 

As far as the attitude, I would just deal with it when you get home and be consistent after that. I wouldn't tolerate it at all, but, I would keep an eye out for maybe why the attitude is there. Is it because he feels a little pushed into the background because of all that's been happening? Is it just because he feels he can get away with it? Is there a friend he's picking it up from? Or, is it just testing boundaries? At any rate, deal with the behavior, but, try to find the root of the problem if you can as well.

 

:grouphug:I still pray for your dd!

[Michelle in MO]

Also, while I'm asking for help...we start back to school on Monday and I'm thinking of banning TV/Wii and anything electronic during the school week..does this sound to harsh? Do you think he will kick the bucket if I do this?

 

 

All three of my dd's display "attitude" at different times; I'm not sure where they pick it up---TV, internet perhaps, sometimes friends.

 

At any rate, Dayle's advice is great---trying to get to the source of the problem, while still dealing with consequences.

 

I would suggest removing privileges from whatever matters most to your ds: if it's TV and Wii, then remove those privileges, perhaps even for the weekend or at times when he is most likely to want those things. If it's something else, I'd remove those privileges. You might try a couple of days at first and see if that helps correct the situation; if not, extend that period of time.

 

Sigh. I almost think we have to put kids in a bubble room or vacuum in order to avoid any negative influences, but that's not real life. Blessings to you as you sort it all out!

[Heather in the Kootenays]

and no one has died yet ;) I do notice behavior gets worse as screen time goes up - both in my ds and his friends.

 

I wonder if he's reacting to all the stress you've been experiencing lately. A friend of ds complained recently that his sister was causing trouble and his life was made more difficult. Not fair in his 13 yo mind. As parents we know that it's part of being a family but from a kid point of view, it just isn't right.

 

:grouphug:

[BMW]

Our basic rule for video games is: none Mon.-Thurs. and they can play Friday evenings and weekends, but only up to 2 hours in a day. They "might" be given 1/2 hr. during the week for a special situation... We have a couple of shows that we watch as a family, other than that, I like it off. It's not a hard rule... I will allow a couple of kids shows here and there. But, I think it always goes better around here when it is off.

 

I'm :bigear: for dealing with the attitude.

 

Bee

[PeterPan]

Tammy, I know he's 10 (my dd is 9 1/2), but to me what you described is still disobedience and rebellion, pure and simple, just like a 2 yo. And it should be handled just like a 2 yo, with the same expectations for consequences, repentance (I have dd admit her wrong and ask forgiveness), and restoration. As the kids get older, they just find new ways to express their disobedience, rebellion, and self-assertion. You can see that he's feeling some frustration and acknowledge his new level of thoughts and feelings (I call it sprouting) without losing your standards for behavior. Every time my dd goes through a growth spurt, we go through this. She sprouts and finds new levels of expression, new ways to disobey, and we go back to square one on obedience and respectful compliance. Once that is in order, THEN we can deal with helping her verbalize her new feelings or levels of thought and acknowledging them. ("I understand you're feeling xyz. Let's talk about how we can work on this appropriately...") But none of that happens till they're brought back under to respectful obedience.

 

Oh, my new mantra for dd's recent growth spurt? Ask, don't argue. I understand she's feeling and perceiving new things, but I'm giving her better ways to express it. Wowsers it can get intense!

 

On the technology, I don't know if you were viewing the loss of technology and the behavior issues as synchronous. (lose wii as punishment) With the election coming up, I personally wouldn't want to lose the tv. He's still young enough that I would use your normal discipline and instruction consequences and not make the technology drop a consequence of that. But that's just mho, that it wouldn't change his heart with the immediate discipline problem the way that confrontation, consequences, and repentance would. I'm all for limiting tech time though, especially on stuff like a wii or anything purely entertainment. I just wouldn't connect them, just me. You may need to get a timer for the wii and establish parameters on when it's allowed. Tv, well that's only in the evening and only when school work is done. If it's during the day, they need to be playing, not sitting on their butts. (sorry, hehe)

 

Well good luck. Sounds like you've been under a lot. It only takes a few days of consistency to get things back into shape, so just determine to do that and get there. Don't make allowances or let the two-digit age ruffle you or disuade you from requiring obedience. He's still perfectly capable. He's just found new levels of thought to disobey at and needs to be brought under. You can do it and get back your peace. It might be something dh needs to step in on too. I've been calling on my dh more and more for that. It's really easy to end up with a good cop/bad cop sort of dynamic, where mom does all the discipline and dad has fun with them in the evenings. Dad somehow has a more effective way of getting through, even when he does exactly the same discipline, kwim?

[Starr]

I always say our children are not cooked yet that is why they are still at home. :) I'm all for banning electronics. Our dc never seem at a loss for something to do. Keep at the discipline. It sounds like he was trying something out and knew you were in a hurry. It's hard but it will pay off. Sorry things are so difficult.

[Parrothead]

 

Also, while I'm asking for help...we start back to school on Monday and I'm thinking of banning TV/Wii and anything electronic during the school week..does this sound to harsh? Do you think he will kick the bucket if I do this?

 

That is going to depend on what the rule was previously. If total access has been the rule, I'd do something just a bit less restrictive. Allow it only after schoolwork and chores were completed to my satisfaction, and then only for an hour or what ever time limit works for your family.

 

As for the other, I think laying down the law again with swift and suitable consequences. Address the attitude as soon as possible. It could be an opening to the electronics ban. He, and the rest of the kids, are banned from electronics until they earn the privilege back. 30 minute increments sounds good.

[magistramom]

I need to balance this...

 

We are far from perfect, but I love the compliments we hear about our children being responsible, full of manners, respectful, and mature for their age WHILE being silly and fun to be around. The best compliment to me, after knowing someone for months, is, "You homeschool? You can't tell! They are soooo, normal." From that feedback, I know we aren't socially inept, and to date, we have no delinquency record with the police, or neighbors:) Here is the balance:

 

My children (dd11 and ds8) are allowed at any time during their free time, to:

 

• Watch TV with no restrictions (yet) on channels
  
• Surf the net without parental controls (except that I can look at their visited sites)
  
• Play Nintendo DS
  
• Play Wii at the home of a friend
  
• Play X-box at the home of a friend
  
• Make phone calls to friends
  
• Use our cellular phone and text when the go out with friends or chat from home
  
• See any movie they would like so long as it is PG-13 and under

What I am getting at is that less than desired behaviors do not stem from the above activities. The key is to talk over those activities with the child (what you fear and why; what you expect could happen; what their thoughts are; what they should do when they are uncomfortable; that you love them but maybe not their choices, and so on). Children are able to self-monitor MANY of their activities if they are given the chance to participate in the decision making process and converse with an adult about their views. When you allow them to make poor choices, and then talk constructively about the experience, they will grow from that (Socratic) discussion at any age.

 

Here is but two, of many, examples:

 

1) Our dd quickly learn that watching open heart surgery on the Discovery channel was not for her. From that, and talking about other shows that show and add far more to the imagination, she was able to self limit (actually she cut out ALL viewing) of other programs with graphic themes (CSI for example). She is able to verbally express her feelings to friends when such show are on in their homes, helping them make age appropriate choices as well. She even cut out ET for a while... after seeing ET's beaming heart on a commercial. We eventually helped her through that one:)

 

2) As a family, we watched one of those star "trash" reality shows showing how they live their daily life (our neighbor is the lead security/body guard for this family). Knowing more about the situation than most, we were able to add much to the program I will admit. However, overall, I know that almost every American family could easily see many similarities in their own family (hugs and kisses and tons of love; the parental stress in getting ready for travel; meal prep; balancing work and life; how to dress for different occassions; mundane evening activities; getting ready for pre-school and school and so on), and were able to many similarities that are not in our family (kids swearing, albeit not around parents; the rogue black sheep of the family and how others react to them; young adults in bars and how they carried themselves compared to others around them; making bad choices that will always be "on your record" through life; taking the stigma away from mental illness and addiction to move toward help and health and new relationship building, and so on).

 

I have a feeling that recently, these are but a wee few changes you are seeing. Everything can seem so big at this time, and the future looms like a cliff in front of you when you feel discouragement with the little things. It's hard to see kids reach the stage where they can think for themselves, but do not have the experiences to back their choices.

 

I guess that if all other advice you are drawn to does not work, you cuold try the above, and give your child complete freedom in choice making. You relationship will strengthen as you talk (and be real and honest as a parent - don't shelter them by self monitoring your own thoughts or behaviors when they ask for hard truths). Don't mop or cover up any messes for them, hold them accountable (and live through the short inconveniences of not having control over things like poop on the floor because a walk was missed, or a burned dinner because they chose to talk on the phone rather than watch the oven). Talk, talk, talk early and often. Start this process early on - you honestly won't have unruly, undisciplined kids running around! As you examine both sides (pros/cons; good/bad;and especially, their mission/purpose) your child will be able to recognize that middle ground and become centered with moral choices. Good luck!

[Laura Corin]

My boys are only allowed screen time at weekends, except during holidays. They get an hour of TV and an hour of electronic games on each weekend day.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Sasharowan]

Due to rushing through schoolwork and doing poorly at schoolwork and chores in order to be done to play video games, we limit video games to weekends only. TV is mostly restricted to after 3pm on school days at the request of my oldest. He cannot concentrate with the added noise. We have let the 2yo watch some so that we can get stuff done, but turn the noise down. A lot of times the 2yo is louder than any tv.

[TammyinTN]

Thanks guys for your input and advice. I just gently talked with him and he has been very good and polite since our talk. He did say he was sorry and felt very bad about his behavior. I'm going to chalk it up to a bad day and hope it doesn't happen again.

 

We decided for TV/Wii to have a 1 hour limit a day after school/homework is finished. If this doesn't work well, we will change it as needed.

 

Thanks again for being a great advice/sounding board for me.

:grouphug:

[PameliaSue]

Also, while I'm asking for help...we start back to school on Monday and I'm thinking of banning TV/Wii and anything electronic during the school week..does this sound to harsh? Do you think he will kick the bucket if I do this?

 

Harsh? Absolutely not. TV/video games are mind numbing, life sucking machines! We own 360/TV. In our home they are off limits Monday thru noon on Friday. There are exceptions for sickness,rewards, maybe something special on TV or a random family movie night. When the TV/360 are in use my children seem to fight more. They have terrible attitudes and have difficulty focusing. They are a means of escape and prevent you from having to deal with issues of daily family life.

 

I took my son to a birthday party once where the TV was on through the whole party.... it was quite bizarre IMO. I have a friend and in her home growing up the TV was NEVER turned off. It was on all night and even when they went out.... crazy!

 

It is an important skill to be able to just be quiet and still. My dh is a product of day care/public school/2nd born he cannot be without some form of stimulation. He has to force himself to not have some form of entertainment at all times and he often just goes to sleep at all hours of the day if there isn't something going on. IT.drives.me.NUTS!!!! It is in the quiet where we are faced with ourselves and entertainment via TV/video games prevents and interrupts that.

Okay, I'll get of my soap box... lol :rant:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Tammy,

 

It sounds like you handled it great. Your screen time plan sounds excellent.

 

From previous posts, it's clear that you have a lot going on in your life and your son may be experiencing some of your stress and acting on it. Your boy sounds like a good young man in the making.