SparklyUnicorn Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 You know, I'm wondering if some of us are talking about apples and and some of us are talking about oranges here. For example, Joker and I are having this side discussion, and I'm thinking about kids walking into conversations about budgets and marital issues and health issues, and Joker is saying she doesn't generally have those kinds of conversations with friends, so the shroud of privacy is not something she ever needs, so she considers all conversations fair game. I consider maybe 65%-75% of the conversations I have with friends to be light conversation, such that I wouldn't be bothered if a child walked into it. But, IMO, the remainder are the kind of conversations where either I or the person I'm conversing would send a kid off to find something else to do. I know I'm not alone in that, because I've seen it happen, both when we were discussing an issue I brought up and when we were discussing an issue the other person brought up. We're venting, we're looking for guidance or advice, we're comparing notes, etc. Maybe this is the sticking point here, that we're talking about different kinds of conversations? That was what I was getting at when I said that I don't really think there's a one-size-fits-all response to this issue. We had an awkward moment at a gathering last week when the adults were all at a table discussing books, and one person was discussing books with sexual content. Well, in the meantime, two young kids--who are very sheltered, and whose parents take pride in keeping them sheltered--walked up and sat down with their mother. The person who was talking--who is the "all conversations are fair game" kind of person (and whose kids are teens)--didn't pause for a second. I was mortified! But what is the right thing to do? It's the table where the adults sit and have "adult time" while we wait for the kids, and the kids were supposed to be in their groups at the time. Who's entitled to that "air space" at that time? Who gets to decide how the kids' presence changes the conversation? I don't have an answer. I got up and walked away, because I was't close enough to either person to say anything and it was so upsetting to me :lol: Probably yeah. I don't talk marriage or money with other people. Some of them have with me, but I don't enjoy it. I'll listen because I try to be a good friend, but I really don't want to hear about how someone's spouse is a jerk, etc. I've enjoyed some of the homeschool groups I've been in because nobody seemed to have a problem with kids around. We are all used to being with our kids all the time. So kids were welcome to participate. Sometimes they did, but usually they didn't. I never felt like it was a problem. I don't think I could be in a group where kids were deemed better to be seen than heard. I just don't go for stuff like that. I don't think I'd talk marriage in front of my kids if I talked marriage. That might upset them. Medical procedures..not a big deal. Money...I go out of my way to talk money in front of them because my parents were very secretive about money and I grew up being lousy with money. I don't want my kids to be lousy with money. What else is there? And please don't talk to me about 50 shades of whatsonot. I am so sick of hearing about that damn book and movie. My kids asked me what the book/movie was about and I told them exactly what it was about. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Well, in that case wouldn't the sheltering mother be the one who should have headed her kids off at the pass? I do agree with you that there is a bit of an apples/oranges thing but that just might be part of family/friend culture as well. Oh, I forgot to say that she was on the phone (legitimately, it was an important thing). I don't think she was quite aware of the conversation. But the rest of us were, and it was kind of painful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 For me, the constant presence of teens and Tweens led to more and more light conversation between friends. To the point where there was no longer any real sort of intimacy or time to discuss personal, important issues. I have closer friendships with the swim team moms because we talk when the kids are in the pool. This is a family culture thing, and I don't think there is one right way to do it. But for me, I have no problem shooing the hovering kids and understanding that when others don't, I take that as a clue to a light chit-chat sort of conversation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 You know, I'm wondering if some of us are talking about apples and and some of us are talking about oranges here. For example, Joker and I are having this side discussion, and I'm thinking about kids walking into conversations about budgets and marital issues and health issues, and Joker is saying she doesn't generally have those kinds of conversations with friends, so the shroud of privacy is not something she ever needs, so she considers all conversations fair game. I mentioned earlier I also thought we were talking about different things. FTR, I do talk about budgets and health issues (just not mental health unless I'm discussing it with the actual person who is dealing with it) and consider those fair game with my dds. I think it's not just that we're talking different things, but we each have probably gravitated more towards those who feel as we do so getting together and being fine with our dc engaging in our conversations is not an issue. It's honestly not something I even think about unless mentioned here on this board. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 . We had an awkward moment at a gathering last week when the adults were all at a table discussing books, and one person was discussing books with sexual content. Well, in the meantime, two young kids--who are very sheltered, and whose parents take pride in keeping them sheltered--walked up and sat down with their mother. The person who was talking--who is the "all conversations are fair game" kind of person (and whose kids are teens)--didn't pause for a second. I was mortified! But what is the right thing to do? It's the table where the adults sit and have "adult time" while we wait for the kids, and the kids were supposed to be in their groups at the time. Who's entitled to that "air space" at that time? Who gets to decide how the kids' presence changes the conversation? I don't have an answer. I got up and walked away, because I was't close enough to either person to say anything and it was so stressful to me :lol: Well, I think it was the mom's (whose kids came and sat down) job to send them back to wherever they were supposed to be. Especially since she's there and she knows what the conversation is. But I also think the person talking probably should have changed course, though it wasn't her responsibility. If I were quick witted enough, I'd have a coughing fit and hope that it derailed the conversation, but I'm not usually that fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 If I were quick witted enough, I'd have a coughing fit and hope that it derailed the conversation, but I'm not usually that fast. That probably would have done the job if I'd thought of it. Although maybe not, knowing the personalities involved... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yeah, I do not discuss marital problems - either my own or others even in private. There have been too many problems with that for me. I have no problem discussing medical problems though if they were female issues would not want to do that with ds around. But then if he even got a hint that we were going to discuss female issues he would skeedaddle out of there! :laugh: If I want to discuss medical problems or mental problems or kid problems I come here. It's not anonymous for me (I've met many people on this board in real life) but it gives me a more objective (!) place to discuss it where I can get a range of opinions. Serious discussions with my friends tend to be theological or political or on books (but not 50 Shades!). My friends tend to be similar in what they like to discuss and what they like to keep more private. We will e-mail on occasion if there are more personal issues to discuss. I actually prefer that anyway. I find that having to come up with an answer to a problem on the fly makes me freeze up and I can't think of anything to say! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Serious discussions with my friends tend to be theological or political or on books (but not 50 Shades!). How funny! We tend to avoid theological or political discussions, because we're all over the spectrum (OK, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on my end of the spectrum :glare:) and it tends to create rifts when we were all getting along just fine before. I really didn't need to know how much of an anti-government conspiracy theorist my one good friend was! That was a conversation I wish had never happened *sigh* But we can always find common ground when talking about parenting or marriage or health stuff. Oh, and 50 Shades... I don't discuss it either. All other books are fair game though! (edited to delete 50 Shades commentary :lol:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Just wanted to chime in again and say one can be discussing marriage in a way that =/= dissing their spouse or discussing marital problems. :lol: :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Just wanted to chime in again and say one can be discussing marriage in a way that =/= dissing their spouse or discussing marital problems. :lol: :D yeah, but I would have zero problems with kids being around that kind of a discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFwife Claire Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I would say the subjects I don't want my kids hovering around while I am discussing are generally homeschooling/child-rearing ones. Because I have a lot of kids, and because I now have some older ones, a lot of people come over and discuss these things with me, usually as their kids and mine are around. I don't really want my 13 year old (who tends to be my hover-er) listening in and putting in his 2 cents about what he thinks about homeschooling decisions I have or am working through, and certainly not about anyone else's decisions! Or struggles someone is having. I've had plenty of struggles with my kids in various areas, and if someone is wanting to talk about suggestions I have, then I don't want my kids offering their opinions, or even knowing that someone else is struggling! I think it is a little funny to say on this forum that we should be sure to talk to real life friends about various situations because after all, how can a message board really know our own personal situations, but then turn around and say well, we should just share on here to get advice, so no kids have to hear personal things and can instead be a part of all conversations! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think it is a little funny to say on this forum that we should be sure to talk to real life friends about various situations because after all, how can a message board really know our own personal situations, but then turn around and say well, we should just share on here to get advice, so no kids have to hear personal things and can instead be a part of all conversations! :confused1: People advise people talk to people in real life when they have a problem in real life since obviously we can't fix an interpersonal problem by proxy. I said that I tend to share on here to get advice but never said that everyone else had to do so. Do what you're comfortable doing. And I'll do what I'm comfortable doing. Actually at this point my kids are both teens and it isn't really an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I'm rarely talking about anything X rated with my friends, but even if we are talking about lipgloss or the most mundane topic ever, I just want to talk to my friend. I talk to my kids pretty much every waking hour of every day. The couple of hours every blue moon that a friend is over, I don't think it's too much to ask my kids to find something else to do. I don't go plop down in the middle of their activities when they are with a friend. Same with my husband--sometimes I just want a conversation with him. Not a dad conversation. Not a family conversation. Maybe it's not even anything important, but it's 15 minutes of connecting with him. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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