Moms of older teens and young adults / what to do with myself

[Night Elf]

How do you celebrate your kids becoming young adults without feeling truly sad at the same time? I saw pictures this weekend of when my kids were younger and it made me feel sad that those days are gone forever. I post about this very thing every so often. It's just so hard not to miss all of the fun we used to have. I think my kids are great. I'm very proud of them. I like who they are. We still enjoy each other's company. It's just not the same as them being younger.

 

I have thought long and hard about hobbies. There is truly nothing that would interest me. The last time I asked about hobbies, the only thing remotely interesting was scrapbooking. Well, I tried it and didn't care that much for it. I'm not a creative person, so I felt more stressed by trying to put pictures on paper with themes. I'd rather just leave the pictures in a box.

 

I wish I had a friend to hang out with. I'd love to just get together with someone and talk, go for coffee or shopping. I can't go back to work because my son needs me at home. The only job I want to do is daycare. I do miss being in college but I don't get financial aid, and we can't afford to foot my entire bill when it won't be long before the kids will be going. Their education is way more important than mine since I don't really need a degree. I'd just be doing it for something fun to do.

 

Yeah, I'm just feeling down today. My son attends a once a week homeschooling class and I have to wait there for the 2 hours he's in class. I see the other moms talking together, all moms of younger kids, having a good time. I watch them pull out homeschool materials for planning. I just miss those days.

 

I love watching my kids grow up but it sure is hard looking for new things to replace the old things I found enjoyable.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I hear you!  I've been working through books on Modern History, it's an area where I am weak save for current events, so that's a project.

 

I adore knitting but haven't been able to since I got tennis elbow on Dec 13th, so that's driving me nuts, it's how I assuage my guilt when we do tv marathons. ;)

 

I intend to start getting some walking in when it isn't snow and ice out there, hopefully with my eldest.

 

I would love to get back into photography but my eyes are older now, it's more difficult.

 

I guess we celebrate it in the little things, moments that I notice something they say or do that makes me proud of who they've become.

 

Wish you were closer, I'd be your friend.

 

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: I understand those feelings. I tell myself that this is the way it supposed to be, if things are going well it means they are growing away form me. It still hurts though. 

 

Can you teach something at your co-op? Mentor homeschoolers who need inspiration?

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  Since my initial plans have been shot to snot, I now a totally different after school life planned. 

 

As for being sad, good lord, I'm not sure I want to think about ds going to college now. I adore that child, man, boy, whatever he is. But I'm raising him to have his life, which doesn't involve living here, although I think he'd be content anywhere there was wi-fi and food. 

 

I have a few pictures of him on the fridge from when he was little, gosh I barely remember those days. My biggest hope is that his days of joy outnumber his days of chaos. Our lives have been so chaotic in the last few years, I work hard to remind him this is not normal and life can be better than this. I so hope that is true for him. 

[Anne in CA]

I love the idea that you might have a lot of fun teaching at a coop. Some of the home school grandmas used to teach at the one I used to go to and the kids LOVED them. 

[PrincessMommy]

I have found this transition to be quite hard.  I still have a 12yr old at home, but since putting my younger kids in school 4yrs ago it's really changed everything.  Next year he will be the only child living at home full-time and it makes me very sad.  It's odd because I'm such an introvert, but I got used to the hustle and bustle of a large family.  I cannot say that I know how to do it well.  I have found that it is very much a grieving process, and there's no way around it.  I just have to walk through this time as best I can.

 

Anyway, if you're not into hobbies, what about volunteering?  There's so many different types... you could help kids to with after-school stuff, hospice, wild animal rescue, hospital stuff, disabled veterans, helping at your place of worship,  soup kitchens, women's shelters... you name it.  Do some searching around in your area.

 

What about hobbies that aren't craft-related - such as birding or gardening?

[FaithManor]

I'm already cultivating plans so I'm prepared. DD married last year, eldest ds is a junior, middle is sophomore, and youngest should be an 8th grader but is doing entirely high school work and even if he doesn't leave home for dorms at 16.5, he'll spend a year either traveling or going to a university part time or something. Within four years, my nest will be largely empty and even if dd and hubby have children by then, they'll be on the east coast and dh will not be retired yet so I won't have grands around to play with and distract me.

 

So, I think I'm going back into music. Performing, teaching, and maybe even a little music therapy again. I am very slowly laying the groundwork for that, picking up more accompanying for solo and ensemble, played a benefit concert last year for a crisis center, etc.

 

The other thing on the horizon is a possible wedding/event planning business. I have a partner right now and we've only agreed to coordinating three major events a year since I've got the homeschooling, 4-H volunteer work, boys' extra-curriculars, college admissions, and graduations to plan. We have two events under our belts both of which were HUGE successes, absolutely gorgeous and went off with out a hitch, and the money we made was respectable. I am putting 1/4 away for taxes, 1/4 in a travel fund, and half in retirement to make up for losses due to staying out of the workforce so long. Hopefully, I'll be able to make enough to reduce the number of dh's rat race years ahead by a few which would be really, really nice for him.

 

Four years - the UK here I come! That has been the plan for more than a decade. When the last one is done homeschooling, I get a dream vacation. A friend and I are going to explore Celtic ruins, catherdrals, monasteries, castles, and check out quilt stores...definitely looking at FABRIC!!! Three weeks of bliss!

 

I get sentimental sometimes. A few months ago my oldest boy sang special music with me for church. He has developed a lovely voice, and well...it was hard not to choke up about it. I get teary occasionally about how long we go in between visits with dd and her hubby, and my youngest hit a growth spurt again. His voice has deepened; he's taking on new responsibilities. I love this time in their lives, love it. But, I also kind of just a smidge hate it because I'm going to miss them when they are gone. It's a love/hate split personality thing! LOL

[happyWImom]

:grouphug: I can imagine how you feel.  I love the new stages, but really miss having my dc totally depend on me and need me.  I love being with little ones, and if I could have I would have had a boatload more-not in the cards, though.  I've been teaching Sunday School, which helps me get my "little ones" fix, and puts me in contact with other moms.  What about a book club?  Not sure if that would interest you, but it's a great way to get to know people, and if you like to learn, it's good also.  I am the same way about hobbies-I'm not good at anything, and the only thing I really enjoy doing when I have free time is reading.  Hence, the book club. :D   We live in a small town, but our library has one, and there are at least a few others that I'm aware of.  If it interests you, check with your library first.  Even if there isn't one directly associated with it, they are sure to know about any, because of people reserving books for their clubs.

 

I wish you luck.

[Night Elf]

I don't think I can teach at the place where ds takes his outside class. They are paying positions and I think they look for professionals for their classes. My son's state history class is taught by a wonderful woman who holds a doctorate degree. I believe they have a Montessori type class taught by a trained Montessori teacher.

 

I have thought about volunteering, but I'm such an introvert that it's super scary to think of doing something completely new on my own. It would be easier if I knew someone who volunteered and tagged along with them to learn the ropes.

 

I don't go to church anymore. I don't have anyone to go with me. When we moved, I tried to find a new church but spent so much time stressed at visiting a couple of new churches that I decided to just not bother. My last church was a mega-church. It was huge! I volunteered as a Sunday School teacher, an Awanas leader, and a young elementary level kids choir assistant (even though I don't sing well, they don't care). I've been gone so long and it's so far away that going back is not in the cards. I really miss being that involved. I didn't make any friends there, but got along well with everyone.

[Tap]

It depends on what you are wanting to accomplish.

 

If you feel a bit lonely and would just like a chance to be with other adults, community education classes are usually a cheap way to learn something new and take a chance on having some adult time too.  There will often be a span of ages so as long as you are flexible on who you meet there, you may find them fun. 

 

If you don't mind faith based things, some churches have groups that meet for various reasons.  They will likely have mostly members there but sometimes there are classes that are advertised to the general public too.  Seventh Day Adventist for example sometimes have vegetarian cooking classes. 

 

Some stores like Whole Foods also have cooking or nutrition classes. 

 

Art museums or art supply stores may have art classes.

 

If you want to hang with little kids, most elementary schools have a reading program for people to come into the school and help struggling readers.

 

Gyms and athletic clubs often have beginning Yoga, Zumba or aerobics  classes for fairly cheap.

 

Out local large hospitals have classes that are really interesting.  I have gone to some on special needs parenting. 

 

 

If you want to teach, community ed programs are often looking for instructors and the commitment is short.

 

Cooking schools often have mini classes on individual topics like scratch made pasta etc.

 

Sometimes restaurants have classes like 'making tapas'.

 

Sometimes. just getting out there a little helps you discover a little rabbit trail of ideas, and you will soon have more on your plate that you expected.

 

If you like art, most cities around her have a 'first Thursday' or similar event where all the art galleries open up and it is like a giant open house in the downtown area for shops/galleries.  Those are great places to run into old friends and to reconnect with others who may be in a similar home/age children situation as you.

 

 

 

[Amy in NH]

I am super-busy with plans for the future and have lots of things in my bucket-list to try when there's more time and money, but it still makes me very sad to see my older boys fledge.  So many mixed emotions! 

 

You state that the only job you'd want to do is daycare.  If you don't feel you can work at least part time outside the home, can you take on a child as a home-daycare?

[Jenny in Florida]

I get it. I really do. My daughter has been working for a little over a year, saving up money for her big move to NYC. She's been talking vaguely about moving "this summer," probably in August. Then, a few days ago, she decided to try applying for some internships that begin in June. So, all of a sudden, I'm facing having her out of here in less than three months.

 

And, of course, back in October, my son decided that, rather than hanging around another year and graduating at the same time as his friends, he wanted to apply to colleges for next year. He's already received acceptance notifications from several schools and programs and is making plans to move into a dorm in August.

 

So, after 19 years of being a mostly or full-time stay-home mom, I'll be "retired" rather abruptly within six months.

 

Oh, and did I mention that my son turned 16 this past weekend and that he's going to get his learner's license tomorrow afternoon?

 

I'm actually quietly devastated about the whole thing. I love them and am so proud of the people they are turning out to be. It's exciting to watch them grow up, but I am also almost unspeakably sad that they aren't my little ones anymore. And I enjoy their company and will miss them like crazy when they aren't here with me.

 

The only things helping me not lose it completely are:

 

1. Staying busy with the right-now stuff that has to be done for them today and to get them ready to move on. I act as my daughter's sounding board, give opinions on which internships are worth applying for and whether the resume she designed is attractive and appropriate. She doesn't drive, which means I still spend a couple of hours in the car every day getting her to and from her two jobs. My son is very busy with school and extras and has his first dance competition of the season this weekend. I spent a lot of today searching for a local shop that could repair the mess he's made of his tap shoes and communicating with the seamstress making one of his costumes, not to mention proofreading an essay for one of his dual enrollment classes and, of course, driving him to and from the campus and his dance school. We've been chatting this week about preliminary plans for his graduation party. We're also starting to talk about what he will need in terms of clothing and dorm supplies for next year . . .

 

2. Taking baby steps towards transitioning to my post-full-time-mom role. I started doing some part-time online tutoring last summer, and I really enjoy that. I am considering signing up to substitute teach next year when my schedule opens up and am pondering the possibility of getting my teaching certification. I know I don't want to be in the classroom full time, but I have a long-cherished fantasy of opening some kind of educational resource center/tutoring service/maybe eventually a small cottage school, and I suspect certification and some classroom experience would be helpful in getting that off the ground. I may also go back to school part-time to take the classes I would need to get certified in a second subject. (Although I don't need to worry about putting food on the table or paying the rent, I will need to bring in significantly more income than I do now in order to cover my son's college expenses. So, there is a real motivation to find something I can do to earn that I will also enjoy.)

 

When I let myself really visualize what those first few days/weeks/months after they move out will be like, I pretty much can't stand it. But, for right now, today, I'm working on staying focused on points 1 and 2 above.