plansrme Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Would you mind sharing some of your rules, experiences, tips? I have a 16 year old who is too busy to date but also a 14 year old who is not and is attracting some attention. Shockingly, it seems that boys on her swim team who, obviously, see her in a swim suit all the stinkin' time, are not blind to her, errr, charms. Right now, there is heavy flirtation going on, as best as I can tell, and it's just kind of cute, but in the way that a baby crocodile is cute before it grows into a man-eater. I am not anti-dating at an appropriate age (I would rather her date under our roof before she goes to college), but I am not prepared for this and am interested in how other responsible parents handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think it's interesting that we continue to talk about dating when no one really *dates*. You either have a boy/girl friend or you don't. Breaking up often means you lose a friend so I would be reluctant to start this at 14. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 My oldest dd had her first boyfriend at age 14. She was in 9th grade. She saw him at school and I allowed him to visit our house and she could go to his as long as parents were home. If she went out, it was with a group, or at least it was a group when I dropped her off. I'm going to assume she never lied to me and went off with him alone. At least with them that age, they couldn't drive and we parents had to get them places. Once she turned 16, I allowed proper dating. She went out to eat or to the movies, and hung out at his house and ours. Teens just don't have a lot of money so they are limited in what they can do, or at least that has been my experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCMom Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 My girls are also to busy/not interested, but I would and did discourage swim team dating. Older dd has used the line 'I don't go out with team members" with success,lol. We saw some major, major drama on a previous team because of this. The worst scenario we saw - high school girl/boy have been dating for a year, go to the senior state meet. Out of the blue he breaks up with her AT THE MEET, during their 1st session. And then...asks another girl on the team, a VERY good friend of the first girl, to go out with him. She says...yes. They literally become an instant couple. Other girl tanks the meet. Relays tank. Sides are taken. Omg the senior group was a mess for months after that. Thank goodness mine were still age groupers at that point! (Parents of some of the kids involved were Drs at the same practice. Awkward!) Remember the swimmer has to (potentially) swim with these people for 2-4+ hours a day for what, 3-4 more YEARS??. Seriously, I would think long and hard before encouraging it by reminding the swimmer of this fact. Besides, like my dd says, when you've seen a guy at 5:00 in the morning everyday for a whole summer (bedhead, morning breath and all), he really isn't all that anymore. lol hth, Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 My oldest dd had her first boyfriend at age 14. She was in 9th grade. She saw him at school and I allowed him to visit our house and she could go to his as long as parents were home. If she went out, it was with a group, or at least it was a group when I dropped her off. I'm going to assume she never lied to me and went off with him alone. At least with them that age, they couldn't drive and we parents had to get them places. Once she turned 16, I allowed proper dating. She went out to eat or to the movies, and hung out at his house and ours. Teens just don't have a lot of money so they are limited in what they can do, or at least that has been my experience. Thank you, Night Elf. That is helpful. My girls are also to busy/not interested, but I would and did discourage swim team dating. Older dd has used the line 'I don't go out with team members" with success,lol. We saw some major, major drama on a previous team because of this. The worst scenario we saw - high school girl/boy have been dating for a year, go to the senior state meet. Out of the blue he breaks up with her AT THE MEET, during their 1st session. And then...asks another girl on the team, a VERY good friend of the first girl, to go out with him. She says...yes. They literally become an instant couple. Other girl tanks the meet. Relays tank. Sides are taken. Omg the senior group was a mess for months after that. Thank goodness mine were still age groupers at that point! (Parents of some of the kids involved were Drs at the same practice. Awkward!) Remember the swimmer has to (potentially) swim with these people for 2-4+ hours a day for what, 3-4 more YEARS??. Seriously, I would think long and hard before encouraging it by reminding the swimmer of this fact. Besides, like my dd says, when you've seen a guy at 5:00 in the morning everyday for a whole summer (bedhead, morning breath and all), he really isn't all that anymore. lol hth, Georgia What a jerk, but still--not looking to debate the pros and cons of dating other swimmers or of this particular boy (it isn't as if he is the only boy who will ever think she's cute), or of dating, period. Just trying to get a feel for what reasonable families' policies are before we actually need them. I see a lot on this board about courtship, which isn't right for our family, but not much about families that permit actual dating and/or boyfriending/girlfriending.* *New Word Alert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Pretty much what Night Elf said. :iagree: I can see where not dating a teammate would be advisable, but I'm not big on interfering with who kids want to be boyfriend/girlfriend with (beyond obvious things). IOW, I would not permit my daughter to be the girlfriend of a 19yo in jeuvy hall, kwim, but I'm not a believer in putting restrictions in place like, you can't date that guy because he's not your religion/his hair is too long/lives in the city/he's on your swimteam....that kind of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 dd will be allowed to date when she is 16 but like a pp said not with team mates, or in dd's case corps mates. No fraternization within the corps. Break ups are hard enough without the whole corps (or team) needing to suffer as a result of difficult interactions etc and dating as a teen nearly always ends up as a break up, very few stick with their high school sweetheart. In the case of dd and cadets, ds is also in the corps and friends with the same people, a break up between dd and one of them means he loses a friend and alliances start getting made. When it comes to teams they have to remain a unit to be successful, teenage alliances due to break ups make for a losing team. So as much as they may falling for her charms she needs to draw the line and say she won't date teammates, when it comes to the team she's just one of the guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I agree with a, 'no flirting with/dating/seeking attention from people you train with." That has been our position. It allows everyone to focus in what they are there to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 We did the "no one-on-one dating until you are sixteen" for our teens. Older DD went out with groups of kids to movies, events, meals. Since she didn't drive, she usually had to convince her big brother to go along or get a ride from DH and I or a friend's parents. Once she turned 16, she could go out on solo dates. Our rules were that she always had to have enough money on her person to cover the cost of wherever she was going (even if her date was planning to pay) and that she had to call and talk to a live human being here at home if plans changed. We also had the "free ride home" rule for our teens - they could call and ask us to pick them up anytime, anywhere if things were awkward or the roads were slick or something unplanned occurs (the driver is drinking-EEEK!). This worked really well during the teen years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. It sounds like the general outline I had in mind is pretty typical. Whew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 We also had the "free ride home" rule for our teens - they could call and ask us to pick them up anytime, anywhere if things were awkward or the roads were slick or something unplanned occurs (the driver is drinking-EEEK!). We have this rule in place for my older daughter, who drives herself to the other side of Atlanta and back every day for gymnastics practice: if you are ever not 100% sure you are capable of driving safely, call us, no questions asked. If you are sick, get hurt at the gym, if you're feeling sad or hungry or whatever, we will hop in the car and get you even though it is an hour round trip. She took us up on that once when she was just too sleepy to drive home, but she volunteered that information; I followed through on my promise and did not ask why. I was so glad that she did and that we got to show her that we mean what we said. We used to have a similar rule but need to refresh it: if you are ever out with friends or are at someone's house, and anything occurs that makes you uncomfortable, find an excuse to call us and use a specified code word, and we, the parents, will come up with an excuse to discreetly remove you from the situation, also no questions asked, and no second guessing your decision or letting your friends know that you asked to be removed. I need to refresh that rule because our "code word" has expired (it involved a dog who has since died), and I definitely need to remind them about it now that they're older and out and about more. Thanks for the reminder to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Dd15 has a boyfriend and we have a few rules that have just kind of developed over time. They live less than a mile apart so they see each other more often than some teens do. They have to spend one week day and one weekend day apart. This came into play because when they are together they are with his friends and she was losing contact with hers. I loosened this rule when she was doing cheer since they have quite a bit of down time betel ween games and this filled that requirement for me. Grades have to stay As and Bs. If he was an impact on grades then something would change. Homework can be done together or she can decide to do it before or after hanging out but has to get done before 9pm and turned in on time. They can lay around the house in blankets. (Our house is cold) They can cuddle. They can kiss. No bodies on top of each other and no bits rubbing on each other. DD15 has to change out of her cheer/volleyball spandex shorts when he is around. She is 5 8 and all leg. He is a leg and butt guy so thus the rule. Lol They hang at our house on weekdays and his on the weekends. Adults must be home. home at 9 on the weekdays, 11 on weekends. He is only allowed downstairs. Period. Dates are chaperoned or with friends. I will let them go to the movie at the mall if I am there shopping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 We also had the "free ride home" rule for our teens - they could call and ask us to pick them up anytime, anywhere if things were awkward or the roads were slick or something unplanned occurs (the driver is drinking-EEEK!). Not specific to dating, but we have the same rule. DD knows that whenever she feels uncomfortable in a situation, she can call. Even if she were to have been the one drinking - she'd get in trouble if she drove, but not if she called. We also instituted the "it's OK to blame it on the parents" rule: I told my kids that, whenever they did not feel comfortable doing xyz but felt pressured, they could use us as the ultimate excuse (as in "my mom would kill me"). I don't have to be popular. My DD is, to the best of my knowledge, not dating, but out and about with older friends (all college age) whom I may or may not know. Irrespective of whether she is out with girls or guys, our rule is that we need to know where she is, and that she has to send a text to let us know when she changes location. Seeing that she will be away at college in half a year, I can not realistically expect to impose any rules and restrictions on dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 They have to spend one week day and one weekend day apart. That is a great idea. Will keep that in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NCMom Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 What a jerk, but still--not looking to debate the pros and cons of dating other swimmers or of this particular boy (it isn't as if he is the only boy who will ever think she's cute), or of dating, period. Just trying to get a feel for what reasonable families' policies are before we actually need them. I see a lot on this board about courtship, which isn't right for our family, but not much about families that permit actual dating and/or boyfriending/girlfriending.* *New Word Alert. Well, the original post said "tips" and that was mine. Sorry it wasn't what you were looking for. For the record, we do not practice courtship and dating is allowed, lol. Georgia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Well, the original post said "tips" and that was mine. Sorry it wasn't what you were looking for. For the record, we do not practice courtship and dating is allowed, lol. Georgia Didn't mean to offend; just clarifying what I'm looking for. And it is not to debate the merits of this particular boy, of any particular boy, or this particular source of boys--nope, not touching it with the proverbial ten foot pole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 We would allow it, if our daughter presented us with a scenerio we could live with. "Boy and I want to go out with Yogi and Boo Boo for pizza and a movie." We'd probably say yes. "Boy wants to take me (and just me) to the double feature drive in (30 minutes away)" Probably a No unless DH, DS and I went in another vehicle to the same drive in. I'm VERY lucky. My daughter just turned 17 and hasn't had a boyfriend yet. She hangs in a big cluster with all the theatre kids and either that's enough for her, or she just doesn't have TIME for more of a connection with a single boy. My answer to the original question is that we'll play it by ear after meeting the boy and hearing the plan. In think I have good instincts when it comes to people. I can't choose a boy for DD, but I can adjust my rules according to her choice :-D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Similar to AK_Mom4 and Tap. Free ride home, Never get in the car w/ someone who has been drinking, even if it's a parent. No one is allowed in our house if parents aren't home and vice versa... but that's always been the rule. Make sure they have money to cover, AND I have told my girls that I don't believe the boys should always be paying for stuff, that they should take turns. I'm an old fashioned feminist that way. :D Oh, they always have to have their phones, and make sure they are charged, so I can reach them. We have to know where they are at all times, no dating on school nights, and ds is allowed to stay out until 12 on the weekend, but sometimes I make him come home early. I thought I wouldn't let mine date until 16, but my 15 yo twins starting dating this week. Dd1 went out to dinner at a very nice restaurant, we drove them, they walked around downtown afterword, and then txted us to pick them up. We took them out for ice cream before taking the boy home. Sunday they went to the movies w/ dd2 and a friend. So sometimes, it's situational whether or not the answer is yes or no. Oh, and the boy was preapproved by big brother, so that helped w/ the yes. Dd2 is now dating dd1's boyfriend's best friend. Both boys are in ROTC, so big brother is always watching, lol! Dd2 has asked to go to her beau's house to study after school. Our rule there is that Dad will have to meet parents, and make sure they are home, before allowing it. I would rather it be the library, or our house, though. Ds, 17, has been dating for 2 yrs, and he and his girlfriend mostly hang out at her house w/ her parents, and watch movies or study. I would like our girls to follow his example, and just have their boyfriends hang out here, with an occasional "date". We'll see. Dd1 would totally be okay w/ that, but dd2 I'm sure will push to hang out at the boy's house. We probably have more rules, that I'm just not thinking of at the moment. Communication is key. I trust my kids, but only so far... I'm not stupid, and they know I'm not afraid to embarrass them, ground them, or go after somebody. They know we are paying attention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.