I want to argue with my son-in-law!

[PollyOR]

Okay, my son-in-law drives me nuts! He thinks he is an expert on everything. He says things that I disagree with, but I don't know how to argue my point. He has recently been accepted to law school, so I have a feeling that things are only going to get worse.

 

Do you have any recommendations for me?

 

Thanks,

Polly

[Storm Bay]

I have a cousin like that and...he's a lawyer. Of course, I don't see him anymore, whereas you'll be seeing your sil.

 

The best suggestion I have is to agree to disagree if it's not vital, or to let the subject drop if it's heated, prepare your data and find a way to bring it up later. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that it's not usually who's right, but what's right that's important. Another key is to watch what and how you bring things up around him.

 

Some people just love to debate pretty much anything there is, so you may also wish to learn the art of debate.

[WTMCassandra]

Recommendation? Invest in some duct tape--for your own mouth. Keep it very handy. For a Long. Time.

 

Bonus recommendations: Pray he matures. Love your daughter and simply smile at the soninlaw.

[Zoraida]

This sounds like my Mr. Know It All 15 year old son. I usually go and lock myself in the bathroom with a secret stash of Vine Licorice.

 

Blessings

 

Zoraida

[Hoggirl]

BUT, why do you want to argue with him?

 

I just want to know.

[PollyOR]

Recommendation? Invest in some duct tape--for your own mouth. Keep it very handy. For a Long. Time.

 

Bonus recommendations: Pray he matures. Love your daughter and simply smile at the soninlaw.

 

:lol: You mean I shouldn't use it on him? :lol:

[PollyOR]

BUT, why do you want to argue with him?

 

I just want to know.

 

Don't worry about negative rep. :001_smile:

 

Let's see....I guess the word "debate" would be better to use than "argue." I would like to be able to present different perspectives to him (respectfully of course) with confidence. I tend to let emotion lead my thoughts.

 

Yes, I admit that I would also like to put him in his place occasionally. He is condescending towards us and I'm a little tired of being run over :auto: ! All of dd's former boyfriends treated us with respect, so this has been a bit of a shock for us. BTW, the guy is 28, and I tend to compare him to how mature DH was at that age. There's a huge difference.

[Ferdie]

This sounds like my Mr. Know It All 15 year old son. I usually go and lock myself in the bathroom with a secret stash of Vine Licorice.

 

Blessings

 

Zoraida

 

I love Vine Licorice. That is what I would do. Try to see him from God's perspective. Love on him. Keep my mouth shut and eat lots of licorice and chocolate when they leave.

[Hoggirl]

I can say that b/c I am an attorney (non-practicing!), too. We all think we know everything. Of course, so does my fil, but he isn't an attorney....but I digress.

 

I think the issue is that he will lack the maturity to know that there can be differences of opinion. He will want to convince you that he is "right." So, my thoughts are it is best not to engage him.

 

However, the respectfulness is another issue. I would certainly allow him to express his difference of opinion in your home, but I would draw the line if he is being disrespectful to you in your home. I don't care if he is 28 or 88. I would come up with a standard line to let him know he is crossing a boundary that is not acceptable. Better if your husband does this, imo. It doesn't have to be hostile, but it needs to convey the message that it is time to change the subject.

 

Just my $0.02. Which is probably worth less than that!

[lllll]

..

[Ms. Riding Hood]

I "Hmmm..." these people. It's a very respectful 'Hmmm'. Not challenging or rude. Just a 'You don't say' kind of 'Hmm'. I find they tire out after a minute or two and give up. Then, I try to steer the conversation toward a less 'discussable' subject.

\

 

OH NO!!!!!!!!! I have a good friend who "Hmmms" me! Ack! I'm going to have to pay more attention to when these come up in our conversation.

 

Actually, I always find it a little annoying when my friend "hmmms" me, because from her it generally seems to come out as an expression of disapproval, rather than "You don't say!" So be sure that the "tone" of your "hmmm" is right, or you'll just annoy the SIL, rather than gently disengaging from the subject at hand. :lol: I think it's a nice tactic. The walking away thing sounds like a good plan, too. Maybe you can even interrupt him in mid-sentence to say, "I think I smell dinner burning!" before trotting away. Or for more dramatic effect, "Oh! I forgot to polish my toenails this morning....Gotta run!"

 

Then again, I might not be the best one to advise you. I like to argue. :tongue_smilie: Maybe I should be praying for SIL/DIL who all agree with me? :001_smile:

[Krista in LA]

Let's see....I guess the word "debate" would be better to use than "argue." I would like to be able to present different perspectives to him (respectfully of course) with confidence. I tend to let emotion lead my thoughts.

 

Yes, I admit that I would also like to put him in his place occasionally. He is condescending towards us and I'm a little tired of being run over :auto: ! All of dd's former boyfriends treated us with respect, so this has been a bit of a shock for us. BTW, the guy is 28, and I tend to compare him to how mature DH was at that age. There's a huge difference.

 

As someone who likes to argue, I'm going to approach it with a different perspective.

 

He may not be saying the things he does to be disrespectful or irritating. He might be trying to have an enlightening conversation where everyone can walk away learning something either about themselves or about the other person. Perhaps he doesn't mean to sound condescending.

 

My in-laws have always had problems with me because they are "social talkers" while I prefer deeper conversations that often do include some form of debating. I found their conversations boring and they found me condescending and probably considered me rude and disrespectful at times. Just a difference of personality and the way I was raised. When my family gets together, we often debate things that we even agree on - just the way we learn and grow.

 

So please give him the benefit of the doubt as he probably doesn't mean to come across the way he is.

 

:grouphug:

[Murphy101]

As someone who likes to argue, I'm going to approach it with a different perspective.

 

He may not be saying the things he does to be disrespectful or irritating. He might be trying to have an enlightening conversation where everyone can walk away learning something either about themselves or about the other person. Perhaps he doesn't mean to sound condescending.

 

My in-laws have always had problems with me because they are "social talkers" while I prefer deeper conversations that often do include some form of debating. I found their conversations boring and they found me condescending and probably considered me rude and disrespectful at times. Just a difference of personality and the way I was raised. When my family gets together, we often debate things that we even agree on - just the way we learn and grow.

 

So please give him the benefit of the doubt as he probably doesn't mean to come across the way he is.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:That's me. My in-laws are HUGE social only talkers. YUCK. How anyone can throw a hissy fit if we don't come over and then insist that when we arrive we

A. watch them watch tv

B. talk about the weather

C. talk about her redecorating the house. again. (beige, tan , sand - it's all brown to me lady!)

D. discuss shopping and other fashion stuff (jeans. just give me jeans a tshirt and sneakers. that's all I need for a complete wardrobe. and it always matches. even when I put it on in the dark. thift shop on the corner is fine by me. the day I spend $500 on a pair of shoes that I flew to new york to buy is the day I already own every book ever worth making. well that and winning the lottery!)

 

It's absolutely beyond my understanding and literally beyond my ability to endure for longer than maybe 30 minutes.:001_huh:

 

Have you considered just half-jokingly saying "hey I'm not on the stand here in my home! I think blank, you are welcome to disagree. Want a cup of coffee or a cookie?" For at least a minute or two he'll have to think rather than speak while eating.;)

[Hot Lava Mama]

I guess my thought would be....how much time do you want to be able to spend with your current and future grandbabies? Lots? Bite your tongue unless he is being rude. Don't care? Let him have it! Ultimately, he will have some say in how much time you will get to see them.

 

Good luck!

[dawn of ns]

If they're being rude, though, and it's someone I have contact with frequently, then I tell them (very calmly, with no emotion - like you're commenting on the weather or something) what they just said was rude (or whatever it was, if it wasn't rude). If, at a later date, they still persist with the behavior, I usually drop the 'warning' and walk away with NO comment, leaving them in mid-sentence. Something like that feels extreme to me, but I find it barely phases these people - and sometimes they even change their behavior. ;)

 

That's key to remember. People like that are an one end of an extreme and don't understand sublty or social cues. You have to basically hit them over the head before they'll even blink.

[Carol in Cal.]

...but maybe not so good for handling a son-in-law. Remember, you are the mother-in-law now. What kind of MIL do you want to be? I'm guessing that you want to be the fun kind who turns out to be the children's favorite grandmother. I'm guessing that you don't want your DD caught in the middle, feeling like she has to choose between her husband and you.

 

That being so, I recommend some serious application of bean dip, plus having in mind in advance about 3 topics of conversation that you can put on the table that are funny, light, or otherwise non-controversial. If this guy is indeed condescending, you are not the one to convict him of that (infuriating though he may be.) That is someone else's role.

[Laurie4b]

Duct tape.

 

I'm planning on getting some in assorted colors as soon as my kids get married. :)

[flyingmommy]

One thing to remind yourself about--you can only win an argument if the other party actually is willing to change their mind about the topic. If not, arguing is pretty much pointless.

 

Of course, you could throw in things like....."When you've lived a bit longer, as I have, you'll see there's more than one side to that subject." Might not earn you any brownie points, but maybe the counter-condescension will make him stop and think before he starts to spout off.

 

I have an uncle like your SIL. He's a great guy but he pretty much knows everything about everything and is only too happy to expound on his superior knowledge at great length. I don't see him often, but I kind of just walk away or turn to someone else and change the subject when he gets going. This is a trick I learned from my late grandma. It's hard to pontificate when there's no audience to appreciate it.

 

J

[tristangrace]

Based on other people's responses--which all sounded sensible to me--you may not want to practice expressing yourself with your son-in-law . . . BUT, if one reason you keep your mouth shut is because you don't express your thoughts well, I'd definitely encourage you to learn to express your thoughts well!

 

I grew up in a family where we didn't talk about much of interest at all, and my mom in particular gets flustered, defensive, and irrational when she disagrees with someone, so I didn't have a good of how to discuss issues pleasantly until I got married. Both my husband and his best friend (who has become one of my best friends also) are so good at being calm and gracious when they are debating a topic with someone. I have learned, mostly through their ing, to get soooooooooooooooooo much better at articulating my thoughts without getting flustered. It has been wonderful!!

 

If you have a friend with this skill, follow them around and pay attention to how they do things. Even without a real-life , I'm sure there are ways to grow in this area. For me, the key component was observing that "cool characters" like my husband and our friend seemed so secure--they didn't feel they had to have the perfect answer for every argument, they used language like, "That's a good point" and "You're absolutely right there" and "I believe we're saying similar things"--all of which tends to de-escalate adversarial emotions and facilitates the idea that "opponents" are actually working together on exploring an idea.

 

Anyway, if you use this negative situation with your son-in-law to boost up your own debate skills, well, that's a good result, even if you choose not to engage with him at all. (On the other hand, once you grow more relaxed and confident, perhaps you can lead your son-in-law into becoming less obnoxious.)

 

Susan

[Storm Bay]

...but maybe not so good for handling a son-in-law. Remember, you are the mother-in-law now. What kind of MIL do you want to be? I'm guessing that you want to be the fun kind who turns out to be the children's favorite grandmother. I'm guessing that you don't want your DD caught in the middle, feeling like she has to choose between her husband and you.

 

That being so, I recommend some serious application of bean dip, plus having in mind in advance about 3 topics of conversation that you can put on the table that are funny, light, or otherwise non-controversial. If this guy is indeed condescending, you are not the one to convict him of that (infuriating though he may be.) That is someone else's role.

 

This is spot on.