If you changed how you "do" Christmas with extended family . . .

[jelbe5]

How did you make the decision and how was it received?

 

I love my family and my husband's family.  We are very very blessed.  But sometimes I would like to just stay home for a major holiday, kwim?  We don't host the get together because our house is very very small and the family members who do host have larger homes that work well for entertaining.  We always bring food for the events we attend.

 

Since my dh and I married we rotate between my family (1 hour away) and my husband's (3 hours away).  So for this year we spent Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas Day with mine.  Next year it flips.  The only time we have missed the rotation in 23 years was once or twice when numerous members of our household were sick.

 

For whatever reason I felt really stressed this year . . . money was a little tighter and I was not very organized with baking desserts to bring to the extended family dinner.  I was snappy and crabby and dh and I snarked at one another.  I cry when I'm frustrated so I did that yesterday because I was angry, frustrated and tired.  Not the way I wanted to spend Christmas Day.  Everything worked out and we did have a nice visit, but I wondered what it would be like to just stay home for once and lay around in sweats, get take out food, open presents, watch movies, sleep, etc.

 

Also, my son can be irritable at these events, which also stresses me out.  Overall, he was pretty good yesterday, but there were a few moments where I was concerned things would fall apart for him.

 

Sooooo, if you did "break from tradition" I would love to hear your stories.  I don't know if I could convince dh to get on board with me, but I can dream, can't I?  Thanks for listening!

 

 

[Element]

We do Christmas with my family whenever dh can get 2 or more days off in a row. It's 3 hours away and it's a horrible day trip. We prefer to spend the night. 99% of the time, this does not happen on Christmas day. It's usually the weekend after Christmas or the weekend after New Year's.

[Tess in the Burbs]

After our first year driving all over to family we said no more!! We don't travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Come to my house but I don't go anywhere. We are very happy with this choice.

[Rachel]

We have skipped family gatherings when it wasn't convenient for our immediate family.  After having kids we wanted to be home on holidays to be able to do our own thing and start our own traditions.  We do go to as many extended family gatherings as possible, but if one of us has to work or it's our only day off in ages, we don't stress about it.

ETA: I no longer work, but when I did if my only day off was Christmas Day, we didn't feel obligated to drive 2-3 hours each way just to spend a couple hours with family.

[jelbe5]

My family is 3 hours away. I have not been there for a holiday since I moved that far (6 years now). That's just not doable. I didn't say anything. I guess nobody really expected it either. You mean you drive 6 hours in one day for a holiday? I can't imagine this.

To clarify, when we visit hubby's family we stay with them for a few days. It is usually pretty pleasant although sometimes my son can act up more since we are out of our usual environment and routine.

[Amira]

For us, all that really mattered was that dh and I agreed about what we'd do. It didn't really matter if the extended family approved.

 

I think it's perfectly normal for families to change their holiday routines as their children get older (or for any number of other reasons), and I think most would understand that. Sure, some might be disappointed, but it's okay to do something different that works better for you. I think it would be harder to do after 23 years, but you can't be expected to follow this schedule forever.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

It's been in flux for a while, and it still is.

 

Way back when -- the grandparents and their three daughter's families all gathered at one house.  Large affairs.

Not so back when -- through death and divorce and kids growing up, it was down to grandparents, three sisters and some of their semi-grown kids, all at one house.  Still large affairs.

Now -- one grandparent (she's 100), one sister (one died last year, another lives far away), DW, DD13 and me, and then a decade-plus gap to my local cousins who all just had their first and second kids within the last two years.  The "kids" all watch football and drink too much beer, while the rest of us hold court around the dining table.  We work to help DD not be too terribly bored.

 

Two cousins teach ps, and another teaches college, and illness rips through those families with amazing frequency and speed (DW also teaches ps, but I dunno, washes her hands more?).  This Christmas, we hunkered down at home when two cousins got the same gastrointestinal nasties at once on the 24th.

 

I've learned to embrace flexibility.

[bettyandbob]

In your situation I'd alternate visiting family for Thanksgiving and just stay home on Christmas. That means one family is left out every year. 

 

I think you have to decide you won't travel and then stick to it. That means not being guilted into changing your mind at the last minute. 

[MinivanMom]

Well, we made the change when our first child was born. We wanted her to have the joy of waking up in her own bed on Christmas morning, and we wanted to create our own traditions. Anyone was welcome to visit us if they wished. We continued to alternate who we spent Thanksgiving with. Now everyone has passed away or is too far away, so all of our holidays are our own. I can't imagine it any other way.

 

I think it's natural to make a switch to your own family celebration when a big change occurs: the birth of your first child, the previous generation passing on, your oldest child leaving home, your first grandchild being born. However, you don't need a milestone or your extended family's approval. If you want to stay home and celebrate Christmas with your immediate family, then do it. Let them know with a smile and then enjoy your holiday at home.

[poppy]

I always want Christmas to be relaxed and fun and in my own home.

We do Christmas with the extended family some day between Jan 27 and New Years Eve.

MIL didn't love it. But I didn't love spending Christmas Day travelling and visiting.  And my "wants" are as important as hers.

We do visit every year, it is an important part of our Christmas.

[zoobie]

DH's family always did Christmas at his grandparents the Sunday before Christmas so that immediate families could be home with their children on Christmas Day. It was important to me to be home, no traveling on Christmas Day too after having to go everywhere and try to please everyone growing up with divorced parents. Anyone is welcome to come here after 11am, but we don't travel.

[Mom2TheTeam]

I didn't read very many of the responses...I may go back later.

 

We used to go somewhere for Christmas most years.  A few years ago...I think 3 years ago, the holiday plans were back and forth and back and forth and we were being pulled this way and that with regard to plans.  I was SO frustrated and stressed out. 

 

That year, we decided we would always stay home on Christmas Eve and Day.  I told both sides of the family we would not staying home every year after that year.  And, we have.  It's only been 2 years in a row now, but we have no intention of changing it.  Our families live 30 minutes and 1hr 15 minutes away from us.  They are all welcome here on Christmas.  This year we invited my in-laws for breakfast and my family came for Christmas dinner.  I hosted twice on Christmas Day.

 

So, that is how we did it.  We just told them outright that we would not be going anywhere on Christmas Eve or Day anymore.  I'm happy with the decision even though holidays are still stressful for me.

[marbel]

We live far away from family but we used to alternate between my mother and my in-laws every Christmas.  When my  mother died, we started spending "her" year at home.  Boy was it nice not to travel at Christmas!  For a few years we alternated staying home with going to my in-laws.  Over the years, things have changed and we stay home for Christmas now.  My in-laws don't like it but my husband, kids, and I prefer it this way.  I meant to quote the pp who said it doesn't matter what anyone thinks as long as you and your husband are together on it. 

 

If I lived 1 hour from one set of family, and 3 hours from the other, I'd visit at other times and stay home on Christmas.  Maybe alternate years for Thanksgiving, and then visit one set between Christmas and New Years.   Talk to your husband about it and see what you can come up with.  

 

We love having a relaxed Christmas at home. 

[Carrie12345]

We did!

We hit up both sides of the family for several years (and the first 3 kids) and then I said I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

My side was disappointed, but totally understood. His (smaller) side wasn't thrilled. We wound up having them come for 2 years, but then they said they couldn't do it anymore. Ha!

 

I love it for Christmas and Easter. I still miss the Thanksgiving celebrations, but anything that involves tons of gifts and/or candy is SO much better at home!

[KRG]

My mom was insistent that once little ones were here that everyone be in in their own homes for Christmas day.  I am so thankful that she felt that way and it has never been an issue.  My mother in law doesn't speak to us and we haven't seen her in over 10 years but not because of holiday stuff so that works out as well...

We just have Christmas either right before or right after with my family.  This year we had it the Saturday before Christmas.

I would just tell them that the kids are growing up and you would like to be home for Christmas day from now on and you will make arrangements to visit them at other times before or after the holiday.  It's not worth being so stressed out that you can't enjoy the day.  ((hugs))

[Kerileanne99]

Yep!

For the first 7 Christmases after being married, my husband and I made the Looong trip from the USA to the UK to have Christmas in England with his family. Or rather, his Dad and brother and his girlfriend. It was always a much-anticipated trip as we always planned a trans-European holiday around it!

When my dd was born we still made the journey for the first 2 years...and I saw just how ridiculous it was. The travel/time change was miserable for her, Granddad wanted to spend more time with girlfriend/friends/family than with us, we had to plan presents around what could travel in a suitcase...the list goes on:(

The last two years we have insisted upon staying at home as a family, creating our own traditions and are very much the happier for it. AND the brother that swore never to leave the UK or risk his comfort level is now spending Christmas at our house in Texas...and having a blast with his niece, in her world:)