Introverts, semi-shut-ins, dying alone...

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I received news last night that my 70 year old aunt had died.  Apparently, the police were contacted by her workmates after she failed to show up for work for two days.  The police discovered her body yesterday.  They are not sure the circumstances of her death.  

 

Her unmarried, sporadically-employed, 48 year old son has been living in the basement/downstairs of her home his whole life.  He did not know she had died until the police came. 

 

My mom, who has been nearby visiting other siblings, has been trying for the last two weeks to meet up with this aunt, but she had been rebuffed.  My aunt made all kinds of excuses as to why they couldn't meet up (too much going on at work, fell asleep, cell phone not working).  My mom's siblings that live near this aunt tell her that they have tried to see her too, but she does/did the same to them.

 

This is the second sibling from the family to have died alone.  The oldest sister had lung cancer and did not let anyone know she was ill until she was in the final stages.  There is also a younger sibling (male) that has not kept in contact with the family.  We only know that status of him via his daughter-in-laws facebook.  He divorced decades ago and live alone (AFAIK).

 

I find this all very odd.  My grandparents (the parents of all these siblings) were very social people. Their lives included parties, bridge club, alumni lunches, family picnics that included aunts, uncles, cousins.  

 

How is it that a family becomes a family of strangers?  Why are all these people disconnecting from the family of origin?   Thankfully, it appears that my cousins and their children and pretty firmly connected with the exception of a few (the one that lives in the basement!).

 

Has anyone experienced this in their own family?  

 

BTW, there is no alcohol or drug abused involved.

 

I am just dumbfounded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[5of5]

It doesn't surprise me that much; I could see exiting alone too.

[Pawz4me]

Me, too.

 

I don't actively avoid people, but I'm perfectly content spending huge amounts of time alone.  So . . . yeah, if DH passes before me, and our boys are busy with their own lives, I could see it happening.  Although I can't imagine having a child living in the basement and not noticing for two days.

 

I suspect people who aren't introverts can't understand it.

 

I have an uncle who (I suspect) is both an introvert and has some social phobia.  He's rarely spotted at family events, although to give him credit he did show up at my mom's funeral.  It's even hard to get him to return phone calls.  But I really think it's because he's very happy living in his one-person world, and as long as he's happy and content then I think it's okay.  People who see his behavior as a problem are usually extroverts or very mild introverts, and people who tend to think that anyone who chooses to live differently than they do have a problem.  People are what they are.  FWIW, one of my aunts (his sister) was the same way.

[5of5]

I sometimes think that there is a bigger difference between extroverts and introverts than between males and females. I often have a hard time understanding extroverts.

[dbmamaz]

I had a second cousin who i called uncle who was found several days after he died (in the shower, i think).  He lived alone always.  He had some mental health issues and i think he and my mom (who had been best friends for most of their lives) had become somewhat estranged.  

 

I do honestly worry sometimes . . . i feel like i have no one i'm close to outside of my direct family.  My daughter seems to never want to see me again.  I suspect my middle child will stay close, he's a sweety, but idk. I do worry about that some times.  

 

But I think all my grandparents died in the hospital or while married. 

[Scarlett]

So glad I'm not the only one who said they could be this person. Some people don't mind being alone or want to be alone. I agree with Pawz. It might just be difficult for non introverts to understand.

But.....you have 38,000 posts! You clearly enjoy the interaction. .....??

[Scarlett]

Yes I do, but it's on my terms.

Yeah, I am like that too.....but I wonder if we are reenforcing? a non social tendency by spending so much time on line.

[Guest]

My stepdad's father was an alcoholic.  Instead of leaving him, his wife just preferred to complain about him.  The basement was his space, and she never went into it unless she needed to do laundry.  Stepdad went to visit one day and when his dad didn't come upstairs, he asked his mom if he was gone.  She said no, so stepdad went downstairs to talk to him.  He found him on the floor of the bathroom, barely breathing.  His mom's response.."Oh, I was wondering why he hadn't come upstairs for a couple days."  :confused1:  

[Dandelion]

Has anyone experienced this in their own family?  

 

 

I'm sorry for your loss.  :grouphug:

 

I have not experienced this in my own family (on my side or DH's side), but from what I hear from others and read in the news, it's apparently pretty common.

 

As for why it happens, I'm sure there are a variety of reasons. Some people may just prefer being alone (as many have already mentioned in this thread).  Others may really want connection and support from others, but can't make it happen for whatever reason.  

 

I hope to stay connected to family and friends until the end (FWIW I'm an extrovert). 

[aggieamy]

I'm a total extrovert and have lots of friends.  So does DH.  I don't spend a day without a lot of contact with other people and there have been weeks where DH and I have had people over every night for dinner so I can't imagine dying alone.  To me it is sad because while I'm not scared of death I wouldn't mind someone there to hold my hand.  I hope that the circumstances surrounding my death are that everyone is complimenting my fantastic dessert that I served and I just sit down in a chair and peacefully fade away. 

 

Morbid.

 

ETA:  I can and do enjoy being alone at times but an hour walk all alone or a nice long drive by myself will have me re-energized and ready to throw a party.  I secretly kind of love DH's night to go and play board games with friends because I will turn the music up loud and do art or clean house or eat pizza in the living room.  :)

[DragonFaerie]

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

Second, I am a total introvert.  I didn't use to be.  In my younger days, I loved having lots of friends around and went out all the time.  As I've gotten older, I definitely prefer to stay at home.  If it weren't for my kids, I'd probably opt to never leave the house except maybe for groceries. :D

[edelweiss]

I don't find this terribly unusual.  I wouldn't be surprised if I go that way.  If DH pre-deceases me, I have no intentions to ever marry again, so I'd expect to live the rest of my life alone.  And I'm definitely not one who will bother my girls once they are grown and living on their own.  I can easily see me being in this situation, and I'm ok with that.  

[Pawz4me]

I wonder if we are reenforcing? a non social tendency by spending so much time on line.

 

If I weren't online, I'd spend the extra time reading or cleaning or playing with the pets, not going out to socialize or talking with someone on the phone or anything like that.  So online time, in it's own way, increases my social interaction.

 

[dbmamaz]

Yeah, i suspect if i wasnt on line i'd be one of those lonely old ladies going to the library for a stack of books every week.  I mean, not homeschooling type books lol

[I.Dup.]

Yep, I was going to post that I could see many people from my family of origin dying in this way. Everyone (in my family of origin) has become very introverted and isolated within their own lives has time has gone on. I've seen that as selfishness for a long time, but as I get older and become more introverted myself I understand it more.

 

It's hard to get over a lifetime of believing that not interacting with people is selfishness. I still struggle with that.

 

[5of5]

I don't get how it is selfish. I would have to reach out to keep contact with people. If they don't care enough to reach out to me, I don't see how I am being selfish in not working to maintain contact.

[dbmamaz]

I feel bad because there are people i like but reaching out or spending time is so exhausting . . . and there are family  members I just cant expose myself to any more after the backstabbing lies repeated over many years . . . 

[PrincessMommy]

I'm a total introvert.  My husband isn't.  He doesn't understand it and often thinks when I don't want to get together with friends that it means I don't like them.  It's not that.  It's just when he over-enthusiastically suggests it (think annoying cheerleader :glare: ) at a time when I'm already overloaded and overwhelmed, I just want to be in my cave for some odd reason.

 

But, I don't think I'd consistently re-buff my sisters if they called to get together.  That seems a bit off.  Maybe she was feel really poorly though.

 

And - what about the son living in the basement.  He didn't noticed his mother was dead?   What the...???? :scared:   That's just wrong.

 

I'm sorry for your loss... and for your mom.  It must be so hard to lose siblings.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Thank you for your responses.  I think of myself as an introvert, but I can't imagine rebuffing my siblings over and over.

 

They are doing an autopsy and hopefully, we will find out more.  My mom and one other sister have thyroid issues since they were in their late 30s. So there is a strong possibility that my deceased aunt my have had a thyroid issue as well (she did not go to the doctor) which contributed to her death.  I know that my mother was very depressed and not quite right mentally when her thyroid started failing.  That could explain some of the behaviors.

 

As for my cousin not noticing that his mother was dead.  I can't explain that.He's weird.  

 

I call my mother every day.  She lives alone and hearing her voice gives me peace of mind. I even called the police one day when I couldn't get in touch with her.  They did a "welfare check" and she was embarrassed that she hadn't kept her phone charged or checked her email (both ways I tried to contact her).  She's been good about checking in ever since~! lol