Is it typical for a tween to want to spend most of her free time alone? LONG

[Mom0012]

**UPDATE IN POST 32**

 

Please don't quote me and please be gentle here. This is the latest in a string of worries I've had about each of my kids, and I'm feeling like a real screwup as a mother.

 

My dd has always been involved in everything. One thing we've had a problem with this has been once she starts an activity, she never wants to give it up. In the past, she's had too many activities -- ballet, art class, scouting, piano, running, and so forth. She's always gotten along with other children and has a couple of good friends that she's kept since she was a toddler (though she only sees the one friend once a week and the other one twice a month). She is a very sweet, bright, thoughtful kid.

 

However, she has gone through some major changes over the last year as far as puberty goes and her period started a couple of months ago. She is very busy academically, and she is very involved in ballet. I would be fine with that since ballet is 4 nights a week, but I don't think it's a real social outlet for her. She's never made any real friendships in the group in all the years she's been attending. She is on the shy side and I've noticed that she has always done much better with other homeschoolers than kids in ps, just because she has more in common with them.

 

We had switched from Girl Scouts to another group 2 years ago, because she got along with all the girls in GS, but they all went to the same school, and most of them lived on the same street so she was left out of a lot of things. She immediately made friends at the new group where all the girls were homeschooled, but the one girl she had started to do a lot of things with and become close to has a very religious mother (they all do on this group), and as soon as she found out we weren't attending church regularly (she had her dd ask mine), she cut off the friendship. So, the girl was still polite to her at meetings, but pretty much ignored her and no more play dates occurred after that. She still seemed to enjoy the group and I she seemed relaxed and comfortable around the girls.

 

Anyway, that was the only time I've ever see her fit in with a group of girls in recent years where she was comfortable, but with ballet 4 nights a week, she wanted to be home the other night, so we dropped the other group this year. I was relieved because I do not subscribe to the same religious beliefs as the other moms and was sick to death of feeling on the outside, but I would have continued had my dd wanted to. Now, I'm regretting that we dropped the group because my dd seems to be isolating. The only other issue here is that she would have had to drop this group next year anyway because ballet would definitely conflict.

 

She does have a very heavy academic load, but I try to make sure she is done by 3:00 or 3:30 each day. The problem is that she then has to leave for ballet 2 hours after that and doesn't get home until close to bedtime.

 

Yesterday, we started a coop and she made no effort to get to know the other girls. She would be perfectly happy to just hang out by herself at lunch. That really concerned me. Even going on outings, like a festival, or a weekend trip, she might enjoy it, but then feel regretful that it cut into her alone time/downtime. I do not think she is depressed, but just craves time alone to gel and listen to her audiobooks or do crafts.

 

Anyway, if you've gotten this far, what do you think? Normal for the age or do I need to work with her on her social skills at the coop and push her to develop friendships there? I think her shyness may come across negatively at this point, so I do think she needs to be aware of that, but I don't think she wants to make new friends, though she's always enjoyed them in the past once she gets past the awkward part. There is a club she could join that might help her become more comfortable around the other girls at the coop, but it would be another demand on her time.

 

I don't know if this because her schedule is so heavy, just the age, or if it's just her personality.

 

Anyone BTDT?

[Tess in the Burbs]

i wouldn't freak out yet.  I have a kid that is happy alone...and spent a large part of the summer alone but was happy.  In his own world and happy for the free time.

 

We had a neighbor girl that was/is this way.  She was 13 when I met her and now she's 19.  She doesn't have many friends even now.  She's had times she wanted them but she was so not into boys/makeup that it was difficult.  She gave up on girl scouts and one close friend moved away.  She's in the CC now and got a scholarship.  She's happy but still alone for the most part.  I would say she's fine....maybe she has another opinion but she will tell you she just didn't enjoy the company of most people.  She's mature for her age.  And she never wanted to hang out with kids who didn't have the same interest.  There just weren't many girl skaters around her...still aren't.  

 

If your dd wants more friends then look for a new outlet, otherwise I wouldn't worry yet. It's ok if she doesn't care for the ballet kids as long as she's happy doing it.  My dd has done gymnastics for awhile now.....it was this last 6months that the friendships started growing.....until then the weren't very close at all.  But it's coming together....a few are very close now.  

[Rosie_0801]

She sounds perfectly normal to me. It seems natural that a busy girl would value sitting down and listening to herself think.

[Katy]

I think you are projecting your own fears about not fitting in.  Read a couple of books about introverts, and about how they need some alone time to feel good, and leave her alone unless or until it seems to you that she is very unhappy or depressed.

[Pawz4me]

She sounds perfectly normal to me.  I can very much relate to enjoying outings but at the same time feeling regret for missing out on alone time.  Four nights a week of ballet plus a co-op would do me in!  Both of my teen boys need a goodly amount of quiet time to stay on an even keel for the rest of their demanding schedules.

[Mom0012]

Thanks! I don't want to talk to her too much about this because I don't want her to develop a complex, but she did say she was content being alone. I will leave her be for now. I understand about being an introvert. She takes after her mother. But, I have always needed at least one good friend and there were years during the teens that I wanted to fit in, but didn't know how. I went through terrible depression during that time and never really felt comfortable with people until I had my kids.

 

It would be great if things started turning around in ballet, and she grew one or two attachments there. I've been a little hopeful about that this year since her classes are with a wider variety of girls for he first time since she was very little. I don't expect her to be the life of the party. Things are just changing a lot with her right now. She's always been happy and I want to make sure that continues. When she does have a positive interaction with another girl, it makes her very happy, so that does make me doubt the whole "happy to be alone thing" for her.

[Mom0012]

She sounds perfectly normal to me. I can very much relate to enjoying outings but at the same time feeling regret for missing out on alone time. Four nights a week of ballet plus a co-op would do me in! Both of my teen boys need a goodly amount of quiet time to stay on an even keel for the rest of their demanding schedules.

Yes, I can relate to it as well. Sometimes I think I made a poor choice in allowing her to continue with ballet, though. I feel like she might have been better off to stay in the other group and have more downtime, so she could enjoy the friendships she has without always feeling like it's cutting into her time. I just didn't have the heart to do it since she's been dancing since she's been 2 and she loves it. Why she loves it, I don't really understand, but she does.

[Chris in VA]

Seems fine to me. Gently, I think you may need to step back. It seems to me you are projecting your own concerns onto her--that you had a rough time and, out of care and concern for her, are trying to prevent her from experiencing the painful things you experienced. 

 

She loves to dance--you don't have to understand it for it to be of value to her.

 

She loves to have downtime--doesn't mean she's unhappy socially.

 

She's telling you, both in words and actions, that she doesn't have the same friendship needs you do. 

 

She's her own person. She's not an extension of you. 

 

You seem a little insecure in your mothering--hey, I totally get that! loi Not exactly mother of the year here. But I think you are doing fine with her. You are honoring her likes and dislikes, you are being encouraging, you are trying your best to provide a happy life. Being happy is her choice, however, and perhaps you need to let go a little of the need to "make her happy" and stop seeing yourself as the one who has to set up her life so she'll always be satisfied and happy. 

 

Hugs--I don't mean to sound harsh, so pls don't take it that way. I've just realized, in my own mothering, that I can do my best to teach my kids happiness, but it may look different to them than to me, and a life spent second-guessing all my decisions doesn't bring peace to me OR to them.

[trulycrabby]

Hello, I was your daughter's age taking two hours (or more) of ballet class five days per week, and know from experience that it's very physically demanding, and mentally stressful too if she is in a competitive school or in classes with much older ballet students. Not a bad thing at all, but all these mental and physical stresses are tiring, and she may need time alone to decompress or relax.

 

What is her general mood/demeanor? Does she seem sad, stressed, tired, or depressed? If she seems cheerful or like her normal self other than needing time alone, then I wouldn't worry too much.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I was prepared to say it might not be normal, but it makes sense to me that she's be happy to spend her free time alone if she only HAS about two hours a day of free time. I'm an extrovert, and I'd want a break from people too if I spent all but a few hours a day interacting with them!

[Mom0012]

Hello, I was your daughter's age taking two hours (or more) of ballet class five days per week, and know from experience that it's very physically demanding, and mentally stressful too if she is in a competitive school or in classes with much older ballet students. Not a bad thing at all, but all these mental and physical stresses are tiring, and she may need time alone to decompress or relax.

 

What is her general mood/demeanor? Does she seem sad, stressed, tired, or depressed? If she seems cheerful or like her normal self other than needing time alone, then I wouldn't worry too much.

  

I was prepared to say it might not be normal, but it makes sense to me that she's be happy to spend her free time alone if she only HAS about two hours a day of free time. I'm an extrovert, and I'd want a break from people too if I spent all but a few hours a day interacting with them!

Yes, it does make sense to me on the weekdays since she is so busy. I totally get that. She is generally content and happy, but still, there has been a big personality change over the last year with not wanting to do things and that concerns me, probably because of my own past experiences. There were a couple of girls that really reached out to her yesterday at our first day of coop and she either had no interest or was too shy to respond. It's hard to know which it is with her. She says she doesn't know what to say and I understand that because I used to feel that way a lot. Unfortunately, I can see where the other girls probably felt rebuffed and may not try again with her. I guess that's okay, but it seems a little sad to me.

[Mom0012]

Seems fine to me. Gently, I think you may need to step back. It seems to me you are projecting your own concerns onto her--that you had a rough time and, out of care and concern for her, are trying to prevent her from experiencing the painful things you experienced.

 

She loves to dance--you don't have to understand it for it to be of value to her.

 

She loves to have downtime--doesn't mean she's unhappy socially.

 

She's telling you, both in words and actions, that she doesn't have the same friendship needs you do.

 

She's her own person. She's not an extension of you.

 

You seem a little insecure in your mothering--hey, I totally get that! loi Not exactly mother of the year here. But I think you are doing fine with her. You are honoring her likes and dislikes, you are being encouraging, you are trying your best to provide a happy life. Being happy is her choice, however, and perhaps you need to let go a little of the need to "make her happy" and stop seeing yourself as the one who has to set up her life so she'll always be satisfied and happy.

 

Hugs--I don't mean to sound harsh, so pls don't take it that way. I've just realized, in my own mothering, that I can do my best to teach my kids happiness, but it may look different to them than to me, and a life spent second-guessing all my decisions doesn't bring peace to me OR to them.

It doesn't sound harsh. I do understand what you are saying about her not being an extension of me, but honestly, I couldn't have had a child that was more like me if I had planned it. I know she's her own person, but I do see a lot of similarities in our personalities, so I just see those pitfalls waiting for her. I know I have to let go more and that I can't make everything right for my kids, but it is so hard when most of my life revolves them and homeschooling at this point. Sometimes it's hard to get any perspective.

 

Anyway, I openly admit that I am totally insecure in my mothering at this point. I was the perfect mom to mine when they were little and totally confident, but this teenage stuff is just out of my league. Plus, because I am homeschooling, I feel such a responsibility for my kids' social lives and making sure they have opportunities to make connections that I don't think I'd feel if they were in school. I am an introvert and hate that.

 

It's too bad I've lost my faith because the old "Let go and let God" would be really helpful here. I may start reciting the serenity prayer whether I believe or not. :)

[Laurie4b]

One ds was like that at that age. I really wish now in retrospect that I had done more /tuned in more/paid more attention to his social life. I asked him about it and he said he was fine and not to do anything. One of my biggest regrets now is that I listened.

You're right, too--because we homeschool, their social lives are more our responsibility than if they were in another school setting. 

 

So coming from my experience, I would say to help her more, maybe facilitate getting together with 1-2 kids sometimes, and maybe cut back on the heavy academic load.

[Mom0012]

One ds was like that at that age. I really wish now in retrospect that I had done more /tuned in more/paid more attention to his social life. I asked him about it and he said he was fine and not to do anything. One of my biggest regrets now is that I listened.

You're right, too--because we homeschool, their social lives are more our responsibility than if they were in another school setting. 

 

So coming from my experience, I would say to help her more, maybe facilitate getting together with 1-2 kids sometimes, and maybe cut back on the heavy academic load.

Hi Laurie -

 

This is honestly what my gut is telling me.  I experienced some of the social stuff she did at this age, and if someone had helped to explicitly teach me some things in this area, I think things could have been very different for me.  I have always worked to make sure my kids had opportunities and friends, and that has always been successful for us until now.  Now that they are getting older, I can't just set up playdates and I often don't meet the moms in the activities they are in because they are more drop off and go.  I am going to continue to nurture the friendships she has, but, as you know, kids change a lot at this age.  My older son, who is very social, lost a lot of his friends around this time because of either changes in interests, other kids returning to public school, moving, etc.  It seems to be a harder time to form new friendships.  I guess that's why I was so disappointed that she wasn't open to that, or was afraid, at the coop yesterday.  If I truly thought she would be happy with no one in her life, then I guess I would be okay with this path, but I believe most people get a lot of  joy out of their relationships, even if they don't have a ton of them.

 

I will look at her academic stuff again, but I don't know what to cut.  She loves everything she is doing academically.  She's taking Latin and Spanish, which are her most time consuming subjects, and she would hate to give up either of those.  Maybe I need to look at a loop schedule.  I'd really like to cut back on the ballet, but she is already taking the minimum number of hours.  Of course, she loves ballet as well.  If she had real friends there, I would value that much more.

 

Thank you.

[Mom0012]

You know, the more I reflect on all this, I feel I really need to make some changes to her schedule. Not sure how I'm going to do that yet, but I appreciate all the feedback.

[texasmama]

If your gut is telling you that something is out of whack in dd's life, then I think you are wise to listen to this. 

 

With my introverted kid, I find that he has a very rich internal life going on but doesn't often choose to let anyone else in on it  I really enjoyed and appreciated "The Hidden Gifts of your Introverted Child".  One of my take-aways from that book was that introverts need someone to draw them out so their reality can be externally validated by a loving parent.  That has been my experience with my son.

 

At the same time, with such a grueling schedule, your dd (or anyone) needs some down time, even if she is enjoying the separate activities/subjects.  I also find that it is difficult for my boys to develop true friendships at their ages (10 and almost 13).  My kids are close, though, so they have built-in friends in siblings.

 

 

[Mommyof4ks]

My dd spends a good bit of time in her room thinking and pondering when she is not reading. We have cut back on her load, beause she does need a good bit of down time to decompress. She loves hanging out with her friends and getting out to do things, but she also loves time alone in her room. I think it is normal. I remember doing the same thing when I was a tween/young teen.

[Mom0012]

If your gut is telling you that something is out of whack in dd's life, then I think you are wise to listen to this.

 

With my introverted kid, I find that he has a very rich internal life going on but doesn't often choose to let anyone else in on it I really enjoyed and appreciated "The Hidden Gifts of your Introverted Child". One of my take-aways from that book was that introverts need someone to draw them out so their reality can be externally validated by a loving parent. That has been my experience with my son.

 

At the same time, with such a grueling schedule, your dd (or anyone) needs some down time, even if she is enjoying the separate activities/subjects. I also find that it is difficult for my boys to develop true friendships at their ages (10 and almost 13). My kids are close, though, so they have built-in friends in siblings.

I love that there is a book out there with this title and will get my hands on it. I do not think it is just being introverted though, if I understand the definition of an introvert -- someone who needs alone time to recharge. I think there may be an anxiety or shyness factor that is inhibiting her as well. She is very bright, but struggles to make small talk with people she doesn't know. This thread has made me realize there are two separate issues going on. The tough schedule and the shyness or social anxiety. I'm sure I can do something about the schedule, but not so sure about the other.

 

Looking forward to reading the book.

[Mom0012]

My dd spends a good bit of time in her room thinking and pondering when she is not reading. We have cut back on her load, beause she does need a good bit of down time to decompress. She loves hanging out with her friends and getting out to do things, but she also loves time alone in her room. I think it is normal. I remember doing the same thing when I was a tween/young teen.

  

I'm the same way.  I can in fact get along with most people, but I prefer being by myself.  Or if I'm with people, I want to be with people I know well and feel comfortable with (ideally just one other person though, not really a group).

 

 

 

I've always been this way.  I did start off like your daughter.  Where I was involved with clubs and had friends.  But then I just never really liked it. So I stopped doing it.  I enjoyed activities that were highly structured so I could focus on the activity rather than worry about the other people in the group (hopefully that makes sense).

Yes, I am very similar, though I have become less so as I have gotten older. I find the older I get, the less I like being alone anymore. In my 20's, when I was dating my husband, he just about drove me over the edge because he wanted to spend every minute with me and I just couldn't take it. Now, I really hate to go places by myself.

 

Honestly, for me, I think I kind of withdrew because I was very social as a child, but when I hit the teen years, I felt like everyone else knew something I didn't about social interaction. I never felt like I could make conversation with new acquaintances and that is what my dd has told me she feels -- she doesn't know what to say. I've seen her get great pleasure out of people when she's been able to make a connection, so that is why I am concerned.

[Mom0012]

That isn't the only definition of an introvert.

There may in fact be something going on. Your her mom so you know better than I do. Just saying that not knowing anything else the behavior is not odd sounding to me.

 

I went through an awkward period around that age because I did not know I was an introvert. I did all the social stuff expected of me (and was pretty miserable from it most of the time). It was not until I was an adult that I understood this about myself.

Yes, I was wondering if the book was using the definition of an introvert that I gave or something else. The definition I gave is something I heard a few years ago, and was new to me and not how I had always thought of introverts. Somehow I thought it was the "new definition". If the book uses a more expanded definition, it will probably be more helpful to me.

[Mom0012]

I like being around my family. I'm rarely actually alone. So it isn't even so much about that. But with my family I can be myself. They don't expect me to make small talk, etc. So I'm not tired out over being around them.

 

I can make conversation, but I always feel like I'm putting on an act and faking it. So it's sooo tiring. Like a grueling job. Who would seek that out for fun under those circumstances? KWIM?

 

But yeah who knows. Although she has a lot going on. Her days are long. So she is keeping busy. Not like she is actually just hiding in a cave all the time.

Actually, I do know exactly what you mean. The part about feeling like putting on an act and faking it really is along the lines of what I meant when I said I felt like everyone else knew something about social rules that I didn't know. For some reason that feeling went away when I had my kids. I swear for me it was hormones because it started with puberty and ended with my pregnancies, but who knows. Not saying that is the case for you.

 

I also agree with it not being an issue around family or close friends.

 

And, yes, her schedule is heavy and I need to try to do something about it.

[texasmama]

Yes, I was wondering if the book was using the definition of an introvert that I gave or something else. The definition I gave is something I heard a few years ago, and was new to me and not how I had always thought of introverts. Somehow I thought it was the "new definition". If the book uses a more expanded definition, it will probably be more helpful to me.

I think you might find the book helpful.  It was helpful to me in understanding the adult introverts in my life, in addition to my son.

 

It is very possible to be introverted and also have social anxiety, but I think it is pretty common to feel awkward in making small talk and such at that age.  Even my most extroverted child (my 10 year old) is quiet as a mouse in many loosely structured social settings.  He is vocal and shows some leadership qualities in a situation such as a baseball team, but in other situations, not as much.  I think that these are learned skills that come more easily to some than others (small talk in unstructured situations).

[Mom0012]

As I get older I definitely have gotten a "like me or lump me" sort of attitude. So I could go to a party and enjoy myself and make small talk and not think too hard about it (although I do not seek those things out for sure).

 

I do like message boards though (obviously). LOL So obviously I DO like to "talk".

Yeah, LOL, I noticed your post count. I love to talk as well. IF i have the right person to talk to. Some people, such as my husband, might feel that I like to talk a little too much. :)

[Mom0012]

I think you might find the book helpful. It was helpful to me in understanding the adult introverts in my life, in addition to my son.

 

It is very possible to be introverted and also have social anxiety, but I think it is pretty common to feel awkward in making small talk and such at that age. Even my most extroverted child (my 10 year old) is quiet as a mouse in many loosely structured social settings. He is vocal and shows some leadership qualities in a situation such as a baseball team, but in other situations, not as much. I think that these are learned skills that come more easily to some than others (small talk in unstructured situations).

My library has the book, so I just put it on hold. I do think these can be learned skills. It definitely seems some kids fall into it so much naturally than others. Interestingly, my son was just mentioning how he has gotten better about talking to people he doesn't know with practice. And he is highly motivated because he loves being around other people.

[Mom0012]

Well, people, thanks again. I am feeling so much better tonight about the whole thing than when I posted at 4:00 am this morning. I've been observing my dd some throughout the day and there have been lots of smiles, so I feel reassured that she's okay. More than anything, I am going to work on streamlining her schedule. I think if I keep her core subjects math, Spanish, Latin, writing and reading, I might be able to do a loop schedule with her remaining work and cut her school day off at 2:00 or maybe even 1:30. We'll see.

[momtokea]

This sounds so much like my 15 year old daughter.  I want to come back and read this thread later when I have more time.

[Mom0012]

I want to post an update because I did streamline my dd's school schedule and I can see a huge change in her already. It seems her school day was just too long and it was really weighing her down. I have always used a weekly checklist and I switched hers so that she does her core subjects each day but now follows a loop schedule for the rest of her work. She stops at 2:00, no matter where she is in the loop.

 

I didn't really think she was unhappy before, but I've seen a real lift in her mood, and she's pulling out puzzles and crafts again now that she has more free time. She even asked me to take her to the library today and that would not have happened last week. I was really surprised when she asked me, because she has not wanted to go anywhere as long as she had the option to stay home for quite some time. She must have just been burnt out. I feel bad about that, but I'm glad we made some changes.

 

The funny thing is she is still getting 95% of her work done. I think she's more motivated because she knows there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that she will get her down time. Yay!

[Chris in VA]

I'm so happy to see your update!! 

[Mom0012]

I'm so happy to see your update!! 

 

Thanks, Chris!

[dovrar]

15 yo dd dances 4 times a week as well and is protective about her "me" time.