What do you do when someone close to you is adulterous

[Scarlett]

 

*Note* I exceeded the number of allowed quote blocks. I removed the block but otherwise left everything intact.

 

 

You encourage her to bear false witness and to engage in malicious gossip. That is not acting in imitation of Christ.

 

Scarlett says,

 

:/

I am flattered that you took the time to quote so many of my posts, but I absolutely do not agree that ANY of what I said is malicious gossip or bearing false witness. It is clear you and I are not going to see eye to eye on this issue ( or probably any other) so further discussion between you and me is pointless.

 

Quill if you are still reading please know that I stand by my advice to you. The above poster has pasted much of my advice into one convenient location. I wish you well Quill.

[Χά�ων]

:/

I am flattered that you took the time to quote so many of my posts, but I absolutely do not agree that ANY of what I said is malicious gossip or bearing false witness. It is clear you and I are not going to see eye to eye on this issue ( or probably any other) so further discussion between you and me is pointless.

 

 

I hope if someone else comes along in this situation and wants to know what the Holy Bible has to say on these topics they may come away a bit more informed. Even then, I would encourage anyone in this place to read the scripture for themselves and maybe talk to a current clergyperson to make sure they have an understanding of the scripture and Christ's message. I would encourage you to do the same, but I gather that you are very firm in your beliefs and no amount of scripture will change your heart.

 

That is an OK place to be, and I am not judging you. I wish you the best on your journey. :grouphug:

[emzhengjiu]

Quill, I'm so sorry you are hurting and hope you find peace soon.  As Christians, our first duty is to God.  Non-Christians may have important, relevant advice, but ultimately we have to find God's will through Christ Jesus.  May I suggest setting aside some time for reflection, prayer, and possibly fasting.  I strongly believe secrets destroy relationships, but keeping confidences is important. There is a difference between the two.

 

I'll be in prayer for you!  May the Father of our Lord Jesus bless you and give you wisdom.  Scripture teaches that God will give wisdom to those who ask.  Scripture also teaches that we are to speak the truth in love.  Truth sets us free.

 

edited:  spelling

[Joanne]

 

I suspect the heart of your disagreement with me is over this view: I see the destruction an adulterer has wreaked on his family, you see it as also personal detail that no one has a right to know about. I doubt we will be reconciled on this core. 

 

Christian faith pushes this sort of one on one honesty in many places: in Matthew 18 Christians are to go to some one who has hurt them and deal with in one on one first, in another place, they are told if they know someone has something against them they are to go and make it right, in another place they are told to confess their sins one to another. 

 

Honesty is part of the whole package of healing. Without honest there can be no healing for anyone. It's like leaving the pus in open wound and sewing it shut. 

 

 

I realize the poster you are talking to can speak for themselves. But you are not seeing it accurately and your logic is poor. EVERYONE in this thread sees the destructiveness of cheating. Those who don't agree with intervention should not be assumed to believe that we believe no one has a right to know. It seems to me that we believe it is not Quill's role to know details or share details.

 

And Matthew 18 does not apply here (except between the husband and stbxw), and as such, is being prooftexted to support an action you think should be taken.

[Sahamamama]

The best candidate to tell them is your SIL.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the rest of this post, but I do agree with this part. Let your SIL tell your parents her story.

 

FWIW, my husband and I live 3000 miles away (NJ) from his parents (CA). The distance doesn't make a difference in whether or not I would contact them if our situation cataclysmically changed. If my husband cheated on me, you can bet your life that I would be on the phone to let them know. I would not expect my husband's sibling to do that for me, nor would I appreciate it. I would want the opportunity to say to my in-laws, "Do you know what your son has been doing? This is what he's been doing, and this is how it is devastating the children and me." It would devastate them, too, I know it.

 

The call to your parents is hers to make. HTH.

[albeto.]

Yes, you did, you have now used the word "quiz" and previously the word "interrogate." I have used neither of these terms.

I am fully aware of the fact you did not use these words. I did not attribute these words to you, thus, I did not put words into your mouth. I did, however, explain how your advice would lead to behavior like quizzing and interrogating. I understand you don't see this. I'm pointing it out. Your ignoring this doesn't render it nonexistent.

 

You are making two points: One is that Quill has the right to ask her brother if her SIL's accusations are correct. I fundamentally disagree with this supposed right because the behavior between the brother and his wife concern the brother and his wife. Feeling offended does not mean one has actually been offended.

 

The other point you are making is that Quill has the right, nay, the responsibility to allow her brother to redeem himself in her opinion. This is where the quizzing and interrogation comes into play. He has been demoted in her opinion. What he has done, if this thread is any indication of Quill's opinion, has apparently rendered all previously respectful and admirable character as moot and void. He has to climb his way up, and the only way to do that is to convince his sister(his sister!) that his affair and subsequent divorce was justified. How he can do that without revealing emotionally intimate details such that his thoughts inspire sufficient empathy. This is what you're advocating, whether or not you recognize this: Convince his sister that his affair can be rationalized in her mind.

 

I will not respond to you further as you continue to engage in these kinds odf rhetorical devices and I find myself further mired in moot issues. This in my view helps no one, least of all Quill.

I disagree. I think it will help Quill in preserving her relationship with her brother and her entire family. If she decides to, will will amount to interrogation even though you don't like that word, she will alienate herself from the people she loves.

[nmoira]

Something I've missed in this saga, so forgive me if it's been covered. But has SIL given Quill leave to discuss/reveal the matter with other parties?

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Something I've missed in this saga, so forgive me if it's been covered. But has SIL given Quill leave to discuss/reveal the matter with other parties?

 

I was wondering this as well.

[Guest]

 

Something I've missed in this saga, so forgive me if it's been covered. But has SIL given Quill leave to discuss/reveal the matter with other parties?

 

I specifically asked her if 1) Does she want me to reveal or not reveal to my brother that she and I spoke; and 2) Does she care if my parents know. She answered. 1) It doesn't matter to her; and 2) It doesn't matter to her. She believes that brother is not going to be in a hurry to tell my folks. She knows how he is. 

[Scarlett]

I specifically asked her if 1) Does she want me to reveal or not reveal to my brother that she and I spoke; and 2) Does she care if my parents know. She answered. 1) It doesn't matter to her; and 2) It doesn't matter to her. She believes that brother is not going to be in a hurry to tell my folks. She knows how he is.

I wanted to add that I am not suggesting you rush to tell your parents before SIL has the chance. I felt from your description of everything that she wasnt likely to bother telling them...and the above confirms that she would care if you told them.

 

I didn't tell my MIL. But she was not a friend to me or my marriage so I could have cared less what she knew or when she knew it. 4 1/2 years down the road and I have not spoken a word to her.

[Scarlett]

I am fully aware of the fact you did not use these words. I did not attribute these words to you, thus, I did not put words into your mouth. I did, however, explain how your advice would lead to behavior like quizzing and interrogating. I understand you don't see this. I'm pointing it out. Your ignoring this doesn't render it nonexistent.

 

You are making two points: One is that Quill has the right to ask her brother if her SIL's accusations are correct. I fundamentally disagree with this supposed right because the behavior between the brother and his wife concern the brother and his wife. Feeling offended does not mean one has actually been offended.

 

The other point you are making is that Quill has the right, nay, the responsibility to allow her brother to redeem himself in her opinion. This is where the quizzing and interrogation comes into play. He has been demoted in her opinion. What he has done, if this thread is any indication of Quill's opinion, has apparently rendered all previously respectful and admirable character as moot and void. He has to climb his way up, and the only way to do that is to convince his sister(his sister!) that his affair and subsequent divorce was justified. How he can do that without revealing emotionally intimate details such that his thoughts inspire sufficient empathy. This is what you're advocating, whether or not you recognize this: Convince his sister that his affair can be rationalized in her mind.

 

 

I disagree. I think it will help Quill in preserving her relationship with her brother and her entire family. If she decides to, will will amount to interrogation even though you don't like that word, she will alienate herself from the people she loves.

I hope Quill will correct me ifI am wrong but I don't believe she is looking for rationalization or justification in her eyes to redeem him. That just sounds nuts to me.

 

He is doing something terrible. She hopes he will stop. The end.

 

And she also never said all of his good qualities are erased due to this bad thing he is doing.

[albeto.]

I hope Quill will correct me ifI am wrong but I don't believe she is looking for rationalization or justification in her eyes to redeem him. That just sounds nuts to me.

 

He is doing something terrible. She hopes he will stop. The end.

 

And she also never said all of his good qualities are erased due to this bad thing he is doing.

 

I'm sure she believes as you do, nevertheless, the offended party (SIL) doesn't care if the parents find out. So to repeat the question Trish asked, What is to be gained by insisting that they know about her brother's affair? It's not for the SIL. She doesn't care. It's not for the parents. They cannot or do not want to address this. It's not for the brother. He's made his decision based on factors to which Quill is not privy. 

 

The comment about good qualities being erased due to this affair is in context of a comment Cat made earlier in the thread. 

[Delighted3]

I have not read all the replies, but I have had experience with this situation.  My brother had a long term affair and then left his wife.  He was an even bigger *ss  because my sister-in-law had helped us nurse my Mom while my Mom was dying of cancer. My Mom died in November.  In December he moves to a different state because of job situation, but they are still very much together as far as everyone in the family believes including my sil.  In March, my sil's Mom dies after an extended illness.  In May, my brother sneaks home while he believes my sil is out of town and tries to move his stuff out.  It all hits the fan.  Turns out my brother had been having an affair the whole time my Mom was sick and the new woman was already living with him. 

 

My sil is the one who called all of us to tell what my brother had done.  It was hard to call to get.  I think brother or sil should be the one to tell the parents, because is it their relationship.

 

We all loved my sil.  We had really bonded with her while my Mom was ill.  She was a great support to us.  I felt my brother treated my sil abominably, but I have already lost both my parents and a brother in the last 10 years.  I had to make a decision to salvage the relationship with my brother over my sister-in-law because he is a great brother to me and in the end, my sil had plenty of support from her own family.  I did tell my brother that I thought he had acted horribly.  I told him he was an *ss, among other things and I have a cautious relationship with his girlfriend.  She seems like a nice person and we are all cordial to her at family gatherings, but it is still very hard to deal with. 

 

Joy

[Catwoman]

I told him he was an *ss, among other things and I have a cautious relationship with his girlfriend. She seems like a nice person and we are all cordial to her at family gatherings, but it is still very hard to deal with.

I think it's very kind of you to give his girlfriend a chance, Joy. After all, under those circumstances, she may not have even known that your brother wasn't already divorced, or separated and waiting for his divorce to become finalized. Who knows what he might have told her, just to get her to stay with him?

 

It must be very tough to deal with, though, after all your SIL did to help your family. I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. :(

[swellmomma]

I am still reading replies (just got to the end of page 2) but wanted to clarify for myself as I continue.  You mentioned he told you back in June they were separating.  When did this other relationship begin?  If he told you back in June, then why did it take 2 months for you to suddenly become concerned about it?  Maybe that has been addressed in the pages I am on my way to read now, but thought I would ask.

[Delighted3]

I think it's very kind of you to give his girlfriend a chance, Joy. After all, under those circumstances, she may not have even known that your brother wasn't already divorced, or separated and waiting for his divorce to become finalized. Who knows what he might have told her, just to get her to stay with him?

 

It must be very tough to deal with, though, after all your SIL did to help your family. I'm very sorry to hear about your mom. :(

 

Thanks for your kind words. :001_smile:

Joy

[Scarlett]

I have not read all the replies, but I have had experience with this situation. My brother had a long term affair and then left his wife. He was an even bigger *ss because my sister-in-law had helped us nurse my Mom while my Mom was dying of cancer. My Mom died in November. In December he moves to a different state because of job situation, but they are still very much together as far as everyone in the family believes including my sil. In March, my sil's Mom dies after an extended illness. In May, my brother sneaks home while he believes my sil is out of town and tries to move his stuff out. It all hits the fan. Turns out my brother had been having an affair the whole time my Mom was sick and the new woman was already living with him.

 

My sil is the one who called all of us to tell what my brother had done. It was hard to call to get. I think brother or sil should be the one to tell the parents, because is it their relationship.

 

We all loved my sil. We had really bonded with her while my Mom was ill. She was a great support to us. I felt my brother treated my sil abominably, but I have already lost both my parents and a brother in the last 10 years. I had to make a decision to salvage the relationship with my brother over my sister-in-law because he is a great brother to me and in the end, my sil had plenty of support from her own family. I did tell my brother that I thought he had acted horribly. I told him he was an *ss, among other things and I have a cautious relationship with his girlfriend. She seems like a nice person and we are all cordial to her at family gatherings, but it is still very hard to deal with.

 

Joy

 

This is actually not so far off from my thinking on the matter. My relationship with the girlfriend would cause me the most trouble.....but I've navigated it before.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't know what you should do, Quill. I know that if one of my sisters was getting a divorce due to infidelity and my mom said, "hey, what is up with your sister? I haven't heard from her or BIL in a while," then I would tell her what was going on. I would frame it in a, "this is what BIL told me, but he is not related to me and she is" way. It is information, just like any other information I pass along between siblings or to/from my parents or other relatives (not all of those who talk to me talk to one another). My family expects information will be shared in this manner. I know other families have different cultures.

[morganvicky98]

Forgive. Do you only love him when he does the right thing? Would you want someone to dump their relationship with you because you have a serious flaw in your personality, that isn't between you and that person? Unless what he did is so disgusting that you want nothing to do with him, that's fine also. We all have our own moral sensitivities, and it is noble to live by them. It really depends a lot on the details of the story and your personal feelings concerning it. Good luck.

[Trish]

Maybe DB will view an unsolicited opinion as Quill being "a little extremely religious."