Would you pay for this wedding? (adult child question-long)

[goldberry]

Thanks so much for all the good advice. I am grieving for my friend as a mom. And with a 14 y/o dd myself, praying to God (literally) that I don't ever have to go through this heartbreak.

 

We try so hard to raise our kids for a good life, and so did my friend. When they make these choices, it's devastating. When my friend talked to her about "What does he give you? How does he act like a husband in any way?" She replied, "I need very little! Very little!" :crying: How sad that she feels that's all she deserves somehow.

 

My friend has made it 100% clear that boyfriend or husband will not be living in their home. She wants to help her finish school, and will continue to help with that if she marries, but said if she marries then they need to find a place to live together (which will not be my friends home). I like the idea of giving her a key to come home if she needs to.

[KungFuPanda]

She could offer to match the boy's wedding contributions dollar for dollar if they complete premarital counseling ðŸ˜

[Kathryn]

I like the idea of giving her a key to come home if she needs to.

 

I would not, under any circumstances, give her a key to my home while she is with this guy. If this guy is as you've described, that is a very bad idea.

[Orthodox6]

I would not, under any circumstances, give her a key to my home while she is with this guy. If this guy is as you've described, that is a very bad idea.

 

Sad to agree, but I do. He could make a copy of the key (or just take it from her).

[gardenmom5]

I would not, under any circumstances, give her a key to my home while she is with this guy. If this guy is as you've described, that is a very bad idea.

:iagree: about not giving a key that would be *anywhere* he could get it. he might toss it, or use it to vandalize the house if he gets particularly angry at the mom. a consideration is to have a hiding spot for a key outside at her house that the dd knows about and hopefully won't tell the louse. Or leave it with a trustworthy neighbor who is generally around.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I would not, under any circumstances, give her a key to my home while she is with this guy. If this guy is as you've described, that is a very bad idea.

 

I agree. The key will probably be used when they get desperate for money and need to steal a few things to pawn. I've seen this situation in my own family (niece). Fortunately, there are no babies involved.

[bettyandbob]

I'm not sure why the girl needs a key to the house. Assuming it's the house where she grew up, she probably has a key. Do you demand house keys back when adult children move out? I always had a key to my parents house.

 

If the girl does not already have a key, is there a reason she needs one. If she decides she needs another place to live and wants to return to her mother's house she's going to have to tell her parents when she gets there anyway.

 

I think if the girl marries this dope, the mother's best course of action is to have regular communication with her daughter and if she can provide direct financial support for the grandchild (daycare, grocery gift cards, diapers). If the mother manages to keep communication lines open the daughter will know she has a safety net to go to.

 

If mom starts out with "you and grandchild can move home without you dopey husband/boyfriend" it may result in the girl trying to prove she doesn't need help and staying in a bad situation. I think the mother has to be careful about how much she criticizes the boyfriend/husband, because she doesn't want the girl to start trying to prove her mother wrong.

 

I would be particularly careful in this situation because of the infant involved. If the girl decides her mother's house is not a possible safety net for her and the infant, there are difficult ramifications for the infant.

[Night Elf]

I'm glad to hear the mom has already told the dd that living with her is not an option. I would, however, tell her that my door was open if things didn't work out and I would welcome her and the baby, ONLY. I could see this backfiring too though. They might realize it's better for the dd and the baby to live with mom while the husband crashes with friends or just stays in his car.

 

I don't think giving the dd a key is a wise move. She may trust the dd but she does not, nor should she, trust the man. I have a hard time thinking this dd would keep any secrets from the man she thinks is her life.

 

I also like the idea of offering to care for the baby while the dd is at work or in school. Daycare is expensive and I personally think the baby with a loving caregiver would be preferable in this situation. The baby might not be in a stable life, but the grandmother can offer a little piece of normalcy for him/her.

[mom2scouts]

I would not finance the wedding. Mom has no obligation to support her daughter's very unwise decisions financially or otherwise, but Mom should let her daughter know that she will be available for emotional support. As a parent it is very difficult to let adult children suffer the consequences of their behavior, but sometimes it needs to be done.

[ktgrok]

She should tell daughter that she will help pay for the wedding IF daughter and boyfriend complete a premarital cousneling program first. Either with their church, a psychologist, etc.

[HS Mom in NC]

Giving the daughter a key to the house allows her to show up any time, day or night, whether mom and dad are there or not because odds are incredibly high this guy is or will be physically abusive. Is there a risk he might get the key and steal stuff? Yes. But that pales in comparison to the risk of her thinking she has no where to go with her child when this guy starts (if he isn't already) abusing them. Besides, if he steals stuff, he's no criminal master mind and his butt will be in jail. No one will shed a tear about it.

 

Lots of parents move and downsize when the kids grow up so I it's possible she doesn't already have a key.

 

My mother married my father when my grandfather warned her not to because he didn't share their values. He paid for the wedding. Dad was a drunk and an adulterer. Mom had my brother 8 years into the marriage as she put it, "to inspire him to be more responsible." Then she got pregnant with me when my brother was a 2 months old. When I was a week old he got really drunk and threatened violence in the middle of the night. He left, mom packed my brother and me up and drove the hour to my grandparent's house, let herself in and never saw him again until she divorced him (at my grandfather's expense) and got court ordered supervised visitation for my dad for a year or two. He got sober and stayed sober.

 

Everyone I know who is divorced (whose wedding I attended) had to go to church pre-marital counseling.

 

Added in the edit:

 

Also, you have to keep in mind this daughter has terrible judgement. Some single women get in a desperate situation with the baby daddy and if they think they have no where to go, will bounce to a better class of loser because he's comparatively better. I have a former step-mother who bounced from man to man for years, sometimes moving up slightly up and sometimes moving lower but never finding a high quality man. My dad was her 3rd husband when her kids were 8 and 9 and by the time they were 13 and 14 she'd moved in with the guy who would later become her 4th ex-husband.

 

You want that daughter and grandchild to come home to mom and dad, not another future ex-husband or future ex-shack up.

[Seasider]

 

COperkins, there is another thread in progress in which bolt posted the most excellent information, which I am copying below. I think it would be great to pass this along to your dear friend.

 

Bolt, hope you don't mind I've copied and pasted here.

 

From bolt in the thread about "help me figure out what's going on with my mother":

 

 

 

However.. if YOU arrive at the idea that you thing abuse is probably a factor, here are some things you might be able to do about it (deending on your available time, money, and the distances of travel)

Start sending care packages to her. Do this predictably such as every 2 months. Send photos, treat foods, books, trinkets, a personal letter, and a personal cheque in her own name (even if it’s small). Write mostly about yourself in a newsy personable voice. Handwrite it. Don’t visibly exclude her DH (“Love to you and Bob!â€) but the package should be about her, and the cheque to her alone.

Call regularly, but briefly. Try to carry the conversation yourself with an upbeat chatty tone. Have a reason to ‘need to go in just a minute, but thought I’d drop you a line’ to keep it brief.

Develop an interest in sociology and begin to volunteer at a women’s shelter or resource-place locally. Chat or write about it sometimes. Steadily and stealthily feed her the vocabulary regarding new views on abuse. Develop a caricature of pride surrounding women who notice that they are being mistreated, who reclaim their dignity by separation. Acknowledge how frightened they often are even when their spouse’s enforcement tactics seem minor sometimes.

Make a space in your home, sufficient for a single person. Just a ‘guest’ room, but it sure is nice to have. Buy things for that room and mention it in your letters/chats to remind her that it is there.

Develop a re-occurring reason to travel to her locality. Go there for your own “reason†and don’t stay with them. Do visit ‘while you are in the neighbourhood’. Resources permitting try to be ‘round there 2 to 4 times a year. Don’t be a bother, just carry on your own plan that happens to be in their locality.

The above is a generic plan for anyone who is at-a-distance from someone they believe is under emotional abuse. I'm not "recommending" it... just providing information.