HappyLady Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I'm making it a point to try and get my 5 year old DD to have a lot of playdates over the summer and to hopefully make new friends. We've been in the same homeschool group for about 2 years now and my DD has only really hit it off with one girl. My DD loves playing with other kids, but it doesn't seem like many of the kids in our homeschool group want to play with her. Anyway, I'm a part of another local non-homeschool Facebook group. There are many families in it with kids my DD's age. Unfortunately, one of the girls from our homeschool group is in it as well. This particular girl is kind of the "bossy girl" from the group and for some reason my DD is drawn to her. It's not that this girl is bad or anything, but when she turns on her bossiness, no one is allowed to do anything besides what she wants to do and if it doesn't work out that way, she makes everyone else miserable. And there have been many times where she's excluded my DD from trying to play with a group of kids she's currently playing with. I want to invite the families with kids from our non-homeschool group over to my house for a playdate and really don't want to invite this girl from our homeschool group. I know my DD well enough to know that she'd try to cling to this girl instead of trying to get to know the other kids, or this bossy girl will keep my DD from playing with these kids. I'm worried, though, that if the mom finds out she wasn't invited she might get upset/hurt. I do like the mom and get together with just her every now and then. If I knew this could be kept secret I wouldn't care, but I'm almost positive this mom will find out about the playdate. So what do I do? Invite this little girl in hopes that things go well (not likely) or not invite her and hope that her mom doesn't get upset about it when she finds out? I know not everyone gets invited to everything, but I don't know a good enough reason to tell the mom why they weren't invited if she were to find out. Thoughts? Suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 How about just invite one girl at a time? That way it isn't a "large group" thing from which the other girl has been excluded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Tough situation. I would invite the kids/families over one at a time rather than inviting the entire FB group except for this other kid/family. Even though the kid is not someone you want to have over, since the mom is a friend I would lean towards not hurting feelings. My boys wanted to invite some of the boys from their homeschool co op to a bday party last year so I did it via private emails and explained to these moms that not all of the kids from co op class were invited so they would know to be sensitive and not mention it at the co op. My boys invited about half of the kids and did not invite the other half. They did invite their entire baseball team because there was not a more subtle way to do this and only invite all of the kids. The party worked out fine and I don't think anyone found out that they were excluded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 If it were me, I wouldn't invite her. And if she ended up asking me why I would tell the truth in a polite way. It is not your fault that her daughter acts like a brat and tries to boss other kids around so why would you walk on eggshells for her? Don't ruin a playdate you set up by knowingly inviting a child who doesn't know how to properly play in that kind of environment. In my experience though most people wouldn't question why you didn't do something. Instead they'd just keep it to themselves and let it fester in their mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Do one or two girls at a time. I had to do this with dd's Headstart class Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 You could invite two or three families over. That would be short of the whole group, but not leaving out just the one family. FWIW, if the girl's mom did intuit that her dd was left out, maybe she'd get a clue as to why... Not advocating being cruel, please understand; I just feel pretty strongly about the right to invite whom I choose into my own home at any given time. Regarding the queen bee, I would not be fostering a relationship there unless I could be in a proximity to gently coach their interactions. I would not want to see my own dd fall easily into the role of groupie. You might enjoy reading Queen Bees and Wanna Bees (I forget the author). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I might just invite a subset - like a few of the kids you know your child might connect with best. Your daughter would really have a better chance to get and know kids one on one anyway. It would be really hard to invite the WHOLE group and not include just one child, I think. If you were set on it, I might just say something to the mom like "My Suzie is so attached to your Betsy at this playgroup. We're going to have a little playdate at our home to encourage her to get to know some of the other kids too.". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 Invite who you want...I doubt the mom will mention it, but if she asks just be prepared with an answer ready. The answer could be anything from oh, I'm an air-head or simple oversight. You could even go with the ever popular and blame the mail man. I'm not recommending it, but it can work. Your dd is pretty young, and this is going to be a reoccurring issue as your dd gets older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I think you need to tread carefully. Most of us have felt the stung of being excluded at some point. There is always a reason why someone excludes a child. The child is bossy. The child whines. The child is too shy. The child is too aggressive. The child is kind of boring. The child is an attention hog. In the end, that child has feelings and, as I often remind my children, did not actually call God and ask to be made more bossy, annoying, shy, fearful than the other kids. I know some kids are particularly aggravating, and we struggle with how to enjoy time around them. But I try to teach my kids to either cope or to structure social time to minimize hurt feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I think you need to tread carefully. Most of us have felt the stung of being excluded at some point. There is always a reason why someone excludes a child. The child is bossy. The child whines. The child is too shy. The child is too aggressive. The child is kind of boring. The child is an attention hog. In the end, that child has feelings and, as I often remind my children, did not actually call God and ask to be made more bossy, annoying, shy, fearful than the other kids. I know some kids are particularly aggravating, and we struggle with how to enjoy time around them. But I try to teach my kids to either cope or to structure social time to minimize hurt feelings. What a kind woman and great teacher you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 I would invite one or two, or a subgroup, at a time. I would not exclude just one child. I still feel the pain at times at having the child who was excluded due to his Asperger related issues. Aspies (and others who get excluded) tend to have behaviors others don't like, but they still have feelings (as do their mothers). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 4, 2013 Share Posted June 4, 2013 if you invite *everyone* for *one* event, it would stick out that she is being excluded. If you only invite one or perhaps even two girls at a time, how would she know? so, if you want a big group, invite half now, and the other half later, and if you don't want to have your dd socialize with this girl, don't. I've also found severely limiting time is helpful - though not all moms respect that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 If you are inviting kids from a group, I think the general rule is that you should invite less than half, or all. In your case, I think 1-3 families at a time would be ideal. Your DD will have more opportunity to get to know the other kids that way anyway. ETA: stupid autocorrect Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Yes, inviting everyone except for this one little girl would be rude, and very unkind. My kids are teens, and I still would not let them invite every person in a group except for one. Do small groups. Or, find out when this kid is going on vacation, lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 I would only invite one at a time. It would give your dd a better chance of getting to know the individual, and form a better relationship. I know I read somewhere that two is better, because when there are three, someone always gets excluded. Having twin girls, I can attest to the truth of that statement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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