School or no school

[naturegirl]

First, I'm sorry this is so long. I'm trying to decide what to do with my son next fall. To give everyone some background, I first started considering the idea of homeschooling a couple years ago, when my son was around two. After many many hours of research, I decided it was something I was interesting in pursuing.

 

Academically speaking, I have no doubt that my son would be better off homeschooled. He is very bright. Not gifted, but definitely smart. I think that the ability to move ahead at our own pace will be great for my son.

 

Socially however, he has some issues. My mom and sister are convinced he has autism (and my sister does have a background in child development and psychology and my mom is a former teacher). I was leaning toward ADHD myself and my husband thinks he is just a normal, very active little boy. He hates loud noises and sometimes when we are at the park he seems to be a loss for how to interact with other kids. He also relates better to adults than to kids.

 

He just turned five this past spring. Because he was extremely delayed in potty training, and because he seemed so hyperactive at times, I starting seeing a child psychiatrist when my son was four. He said that my son has ADHD but not autism.

 

He referred us to a child development specialist who agreed that my son doesn't have autism, said he may have ADHD and said that he is about a year or a year and a half behind developmentally (ie fine motor skills). He wasn't enough behind that any further testing is required.

 

We were also referred to the school district for possible speech delays. As is standard practice here, they did a full evaluation on my son and found that he does have a speech delay and also they say he falls on the autism spectrum.

 

So I have a lot of conflicting information about my son and what conditions he may or may not have. I've decided not to worry about whether he does or doesn't have ADHD or autism for now, since none of the specialists can agree. I may have him re-evaluated in a few year, if I think there are continuing issues.

 

He did go to speech therapy this past year. It was in a classroom with three other kids twice a week. It was kind of like preschool, in that they worked on little projects in addition to working on speech skills. I've seen my son's fine motor skills improve. He can finally sort of use scissors. I've worked with him on that off and on for years, so that was exciting for me (it's funny how little things like that can seem like such big victories). They also had a chance to work on how to appropriately play with each other, because that's something that many of the kids struggled with.

 

Anyway, my son loves his speech teacher. There isn't a program like this for my son next year (kindergarten). If he went to school he would be in a regular class with everyone else. That's 32 kids per class here. So for me, an easy decision. No way. I'll keep him home and homeschool like I had planned.

 

However, I just had his end of the year IEP meeting, and it turns out that for the first two hours of the day, there are only 16 kids per class. His speech teacher wouldn't be his teacher next year, but she would be at his school and would work with him every week. Because he has and IEP, we could write a plan that A) gives him his own assistant to navigate kindergarten for the first couple months because at times he is genuinely clueless about what he is suppose to be doing, and allows him to leave early once the remaining 16 kids arrive (bringing the class size to 32. Those 32 stay together for another two hours, then the first 16 go home and the last 16 stay for two more hours.) So he would only be in school for about two hours a day.

 

With this new information, I am thinking of enrolling him in kindergarten under these terms, and then continuing with the academic work like we have been doing. Obviously, that is what all of the teachers at the IEP meeting thought I should do. I was set to go against their advice, but one of them said something that really resonated with me. Whether my son goes to school next year or not, I'm going to keep on working with him on academic stuff anyway (I don't mean that we do anything hardcore. We just do a little Singapore Math, Explode the Code and tons of reading together). But by going to school, he may learn a lot about how to interact with other people. His handwriting is also really bad, so they may be able to help him a bit with that.

 

And frankly right now, that may be what he needs. We are involved in the homeschooling community here, but I haven't found anything that is as involved as I would like. I want my son to be around other kids several times a week, and at least some of the time, I want the kids to be some that he sees regularly.

 

Does anyone with a son like mine have any advice? What was better for your child? Staying home where things are calmer and not so overwhelming, but where there is less chance to be around other kids, or being in some sort of class where he can work on appropriate ways to interact with other kids?

 

I know homeschoolers hate to be asked the old socialization question. And I know that homeschoolers have plenty of opportunity for socialization. But I'm wondering if in my son's case with his possible ADHD and autism if he would be better served with some more structure in his social setting.

 

I know nobody can answer this but my husband and I, but I'm hoping someone who has been through this before can offer some advice. Like I said before, I have no doubt that academically my son would be best served homeschooling. But, if he can't make friends or interact with other people he won't go very far in life. Right now, he loves to learn. I don't want to send him to school and have him lose that, but sometimes I feel like I might not be the best person to help him figure out how to make friends and interact with peers. Other people want a tutor to teach their kids calculus. I'm fine with calculus, I just want some help in how to teach my child to interact with other people.

 

I'm fine with my son being a bit weird (given his parents, it was a foregone conclusion), but I've met some people in my life who were so socially awkward that they struggled to get jobs and make meaningful friendships. I don't want that for him, so if there is something I can do now, I want to do it.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you. I realize re-reading this, that I sound a little wacky myself. Maybe that's why I worry about my son. I just want what's best for him (as we all want for our children), but right now, I've having a hard time seeing what that is.

 

Thanks for any advice you may have for me.

[naturegirl]

Being in an environment with other children his age five days a week may improve his social skills, but not necessarily. If it doesn't, your son could feel bad or be bullied for being different. If you were to homeschool, you may (depending on where you live) be able to use a co-op to offer him that social interaction — another option to look into.

 

You say your son is bright but not gifted. Are you sure? Has he been tested? Giftedness often comes with quirks, and quirky gifted kids can feel really isolated in a public school setting.

 

This is exactly what I'm worried about. I can see it going both ways. Like you say, it may improve his social skills. If he has the right teacher, and if he doesn't get bullied, etc. But it could also be really bad. I don't want to make a decision based on the fear of what might be, but I don't want to assume that being around other kids will automatically "fix" him either.

 

No, I'm not sure he's not gifted. I haven't had him tested. Maybe I'll look into that.

 

Thank you for your thoughts on this matter.

[Terabith]

Honestly, going to kindergarten for 2 hours a day with 16 kids and an aide sounds like a pretty good deal, especially if the teacher is very good. It seems like it might be worth trying. It might not be great, but if it isn't working, can't you pull him out? Would he be able to get speech therapy at school with the good therapist? If he leaves early, would he be left out of the "fun stuff?" That would be my only concern, that he would be left out of projects/ art/ the fun stuff and feel left out. That may or may not be an issue but is something I would consider. 32 kids in a kindergarten class is insane. Having daily socialization with a consistent group of kids for a fairly short period of time (2 hours), in a structured environment, sounds like it might be a very good thing. I think it's worth trying.

 

Could he get OT, either through the school or privately? It sounds like he could use it. Are there any social skills groups he could be a part of? Those groups can do a good job of explicitly teaching social skills. If you have an ipad, I'd get The Social Express, and I'd look into reading some books on floortime.

[UrbanSue]

Sounds like the best of both worlds to me. I have a SN kid who has always homeschooled and I've followed closely with my best friend and her schooling journey with her two autistic sons who have tried everything. You can always pull him out. Tell him upfront that you are trying it out until Thanksgiving (I would try it through the period when he'll have the one-one-one aide and then a bit beyond).

[naturegirl]

Honestly, going to kindergarten for 2 hours a day with 16 kids and an aide sounds like a pretty good deal, especially if the teacher is very good. It seems like it might be worth trying. It might not be great, but if it isn't working, can't you pull him out? Would he be able to get speech therapy at school with the good therapist? If he leaves early, would he be left out of the "fun stuff?" That would be my only concern, that he would be left out of projects/ art/ the fun stuff and feel left out. That may or may not be an issue but is something I would consider. 32 kids in a kindergarten class is insane. Having daily socialization with a consistent group of kids for a fairly short period of time (2 hours), in a structured environment, sounds like it might be a very good thing. I think it's worth trying.

 

Could he get OT, either through the school or privately? It sounds like he could use it. Are there any social skills groups he could be a part of? Those groups can do a good job of explicitly teaching social skills. If you have an ipad, I'd get The Social Express, and I'd look into reading some books on floortime.

 

 

I'm thinking that 2 hours a day with 16 kids and and aide sound pretty good too. This would be the only year he could do this. First grade would be 32 kids all day, and probably not something I would be interested in. But with 16 kids, it may be a good chance for him to be around other kids in a structured setting without it being too overwhelming. And yes, he would still get to see the good speech therapist that he likes.

 

Honestly, about him feeling left out if he left early, he is so oblivious to that sort of thing, I'm not even sure he'd realize that he was missing anything. If we just told him he was leaving at this time, I think he'd be fine with it. And yes, I agree, 32 kids in a kindergarten class is crazy.

 

I'll have to look into OT. Thanks for the suggestions.

[naturegirl]

Sounds like the best of both worlds to me. I have a SN kid who has always homeschooled and I've followed closely with my best friend and her schooling journey with her two autistic sons who have tried everything. You can always pull him out. Tell him upfront that you are trying it out until Thanksgiving (I would try it through the period when he'll have the one-one-one aide and then a bit beyond).

 

 

I agree, I can always pull him out if it doesn't work. I was thinking the same thing, of giving it three or four months and seeing how it goes.

 

Thanks.

[naturegirl]

Of course, public school isn't a life sentence. If you feel like it would be in his interest to give it a try, you can. You can withdraw him whenever you want or need to, right?

 

 

Right, this is why I'm thinking of trying it. Kindergarten is the only year there will just be the 16 kids, so this is the only year to try it and see. And as you say, it's not a life sentence. I can withdraw him if it's not working out.

 

Thanks.

[Terabith]

Sounds like a good plan to me! :-)

[Bree]

My dd has SPD and I think if I had the option I might let her go for the K year as long as I saw progress and she did well with the other kids :) I know working with her one on one here at home has helped a lot and let her age some where she can handle things more that cause her problems, like loud noises and funny smells and learning how to get along with other kids ;)

[naturegirl]

My dd has SPD and I think if I had the option I might let her go for the K year as long as I saw progress and she did well with the other kids :) I know working with her one on one here at home has helped a lot and let her age some where she can handle things more that cause her problems, like loud noises and funny smells and learning how to get along with other kids ;)

 

 

I have a question for you. How do you work with your daughter at home on how to get along with other kids? Do you mean you role play with you and her? Or do you invite friends over for her to play with? We have made a few friends here so far, but whenever I have friends over for my son to play with, he seems to go a little crazy. To much commotion or something. Maybe it's because I have several children over instead of just one. Finding other only children who can come over (I thought we found one, but he has such severe allergies, they never go to anyone else's house) can be difficult.

 

Thanks.

[Bree]

We do some roll playing and I really had to be out there with them when they played to show her how to control herself. If she was playing with someone say at the park and something happened and things started going downhill I would show her how to redirect herself and figure out what was getting her upset. I also have 4 kids altogether so she gets a lot of trial and error from that ;) One thing with her SPD is that she gets overstimulated easily so too long playing with other kids can cause us problems and then she also hyposensitive so things can hurt her but she doesn't really feel the pain very well so we have had to show her how to be more sensitive to others because what may not cause her pain will cause other kids pain. So about an hour max is about what she can handle right now. I think having a pet has helped her a lot in this area too. She has learned how to be more gentle with them and is almost therapy.

One thing would probably try to pinpoint maybe what is causing your dc problems with interactions with other kids. SPD has a lot of similarities to ADHD so you might even check out some of their websites and see little activities that you can do with your dc that might help him. I know SPD has a lot of different ways of showing itself like being sensitive to smells, sounds, getting overstimulated and delayed motor skills would all fall into that so you might be able to find some more resources that fit your dc. We don't have the option for OT right now so I try to come up with stuff on my own plus I have a teen that likes to come over to our house that has SPD and ADHD and she has shown me some of the things she has learned from therapy too. (I said SPD a lot so not trying to say your dc has it, it's just my experience maybe it can help a little)

[Coco_Clark]

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder that we were lucky enough to have diagnosed very early. He is an academically very normal 5 yr old, with what I think is a normal mix of weaknesses and strengths (just beginning to blend in reading, loving math and mastering all the basic functions, crying every time he has to write anything over 5 letters long, ect). But like your son he really struggles with the social, and can get very overwhelmed in busy environments. He either gets crazy then, or shuts down. I went back and forth over the kindy thing and socialization. We work on him at home by inviting friends over, and having siblings I think has helped a lot too. But its really not the same kind of socialization as a class, and I thought that would really benefit this child; Challenge him but not completely overwhelm him.

 

What we decided to do is enroll in our public-school-run homeschool co-op. Basically he will do a 2 hour kindy class 2 days a week, with the option to build up to a full 6 hour day 2 days a week later if we want. The class size is 12-16. So it sounds a little like what you've been offered. I'm trying to take it a year at a time. If he loves it, maybe we will increase to full days next year. If he hates it, maybe we will drop out. I think it's nice, personally, to have an outside eye on him though. An outside perspective, if you will. I know a lot of other hsers hate the oversight, but right now I find it comforting.

[sbgrace]

Generally, I don't think most spectrum kids learn how to interact well with peers by being around groups of kids without a lot of focused, adult coaching and scaffolding. But it seems like a couple of hours with 16 K kids wouldn't hurt anything and might actually be beneficial, depending on how the school handles it all. It's worth a try I'd think.

 

As far as helping him socially, Hanen Program has some really great books for addressing social skills with kids like your (and my) son. More Than Words, It Takes Two to Talk, Talkability--which is best depends on his functioning level--are all quite good. http://www.hanen.org...Ds/Parents.aspx Amazon carries most, if not all, of the books last time I checked. I wish I had found them when my son was your son's age. It's exactly what, why, how to, what it looks like all rolled into one book.

[Crimson Wife]

I would try it BUT I would insist on a para/aide for the entire year rather than just for a couple months. I would not sign the IEP until that is written into the document.

[sewingmama]

In your case I would try it. If it doesn't work out you can bring him home. My two oldest went to public Pre-k for 3 hours a day 3 times a week. They both had speech delays but not bad enough that they needed special help. Anyway just by being around other kids their speech caught up to normal very quickly without any other intervention. Plus they loved going and still talk about it fondly. I still continued to work with them at home. They were way surpassed the other kids with academics but they weren't bored ...it was play based after all so they just went there for fun.

 

I still viewed myself as a homeschooler and called their pre-k their "extra curricular activity" LOL.

 

All the teachers knew I was planning to homeschool and at the end of the year we waved goodbye and went on our merry homeschooling way.

 

The point being...you can still homeschool and you can still take him out whenever you wish and starting K doesn't mean he has to go on to first grade. Do what you think is right for now and try it if you want.

[naturegirl]

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder that we were lucky enough to have diagnosed very early. He is an academically very normal 5 yr old, with what I think is a normal mix of weaknesses and strengths (just beginning to blend in reading, loving math and mastering all the basic functions, crying every time he has to write anything over 5 letters long, ect). But like your son he really struggles with the social, and can get very overwhelmed in busy environments. He either gets crazy then, or shuts down. I went back and forth over the kindy thing and socialization. We work on him at home by inviting friends over, and having siblings I think has helped a lot too. But its really not the same kind of socialization as a class, and I thought that would really benefit this child; Challenge him but not completely overwhelm him.

 

What we decided to do is enroll in our public-school-run homeschool co-op. Basically he will do a 2 hour kindy class 2 days a week, with the option to build up to a full 6 hour day 2 days a week later if we want. The class size is 12-16. So it sounds a little like what you've been offered. I'm trying to take it a year at a time. If he loves it, maybe we will increase to full days next year. If he hates it, maybe we will drop out. I think it's nice, personally, to have an outside eye on him though. An outside perspective, if you will. I know a lot of other hsers hate the oversight, but right now I find it comforting.

 

 

Thank you for your insight. I agree, having an outside perspective can sometimes be helpful. And I also agree that taking it a year at a time makes sense. It's not like this decision is a decision for life.

[naturegirl]

Generally, I don't think most spectrum kids learn how to interact well with peers by being around groups of kids without a lot of focused, adult coaching and scaffolding. But it seems like a couple of hours with 16 K kids wouldn't hurt anything and might actually be beneficial, depending on how the school handles it all. It's worth a try I'd think.

 

As far as helping him socially, Hanen Program has some really great books for addressing social skills with kids like your (and my) son. More Than Words, It Takes Two to Talk, Talkability--which is best depends on his functioning level--are all quite good. http://www.hanen.org...Ds/Parents.aspx Amazon carries most, if not all, of the books last time I checked. I wish I had found them when my son was your son's age. It's exactly what, why, how to, what it looks like all rolled into one book.

 

 

Thank you so much for the website and book suggestions! They look like they will be very helpful.

 

I think you are right. A couple hour class with 16 other kids probably won't hurt anything and it may actually help. I guess I'll have to try it to see.

[texasmama]

I would absolutely give this a good try. If it doesn't work, you can pull him out. But this is a one shot opportunity for this year. I think nothing is lost by at least trying the class out.

 

One of my children attended a PPCD class from the ages of 3-5 and received ST, OT and PT during the day at school. It was a great benefit to him. He then attended private preschool for a year, which was also a very positive experience.

 

It was hard for me to let go of him when was so little, but I have no regrets. He has been homeschooled for the past five years and is doing well.

 

All the best as you make this decision, mama.

[naturegirl]

We do some roll playing and I really had to be out there with them when they played to show her how to control herself. If she was playing with someone say at the park and something happened and things started going downhill I would show her how to redirect herself and figure out what was getting her upset. I also have 4 kids altogether so she gets a lot of trial and error from that ;) One thing with her SPD is that she gets overstimulated easily so too long playing with other kids can cause us problems and then she also hyposensitive so things can hurt her but she doesn't really feel the pain very well so we have had to show her how to be more sensitive to others because what may not cause her pain will cause other kids pain. So about an hour max is about what she can handle right now. I think having a pet has helped her a lot in this area too. She has learned how to be more gentle with them and is almost therapy.

One thing would probably try to pinpoint maybe what is causing your dc problems with interactions with other kids. SPD has a lot of similarities to ADHD so you might even check out some of their websites and see little activities that you can do with your dc that might help him. I know SPD has a lot of different ways of showing itself like being sensitive to smells, sounds, getting overstimulated and delayed motor skills would all fall into that so you might be able to find some more resources that fit your dc. We don't have the option for OT right now so I try to come up with stuff on my own plus I have a teen that likes to come over to our house that has SPD and ADHD and she has shown me some of the things she has learned from therapy too. (I said SPD a lot so not trying to say your dc has it, it's just my experience maybe it can help a little)

 

 

Thanks for all the info. I've had people suggest that I look into SPD before, so it's something that is on my radar. He does have issues with sounds and different food textures. And he doesn't like getting stuff on his hands, like paint or dirt.

 

I wish I could pinpoint exactly what it is about my son interacting with other kids. Sometimes he just clicks with a kid, and they can actually play well together for awhile. Usually though, it's like they are speaking two different languages. He just doesn't get what they are talking about and they don't get what he is talking about.

[Bree]

My dd has just this last year done better with other kids. Truthfully the ones she gets along best with are kids that have some type of issue also.

[Mom0012]

I haven't read all the other posts, but my first question would be, is your son getting lots of opportunities to make friends? If he's getting those opportunities and just isn't able to make friends, that struggle may only become more difficult as he gets older. That's what happened with my son. He actually did well with the other little boys when they were in the stage where all they did was run around on the playground. Once the play got more involved, I saw him gravitating toward younger and younger kids. So, at 6 years old, we would be at the pool and he would be wanting to play with a 3 year old.

 

My son has language issues and needed explicit instruction in conversational skills as well as determining whether someone was approachable, etc. A long term social skills group completely turned that around for him and that's the direction I would take as long as you are able to provide adequate social opportunities so that he can practice his skills. The group my son did lasted almost an entire school year and from what I have read, that is important. Short term groups don't give the kids the chance to build their skills.

 

The other thing that made a difference for my son socially was OT. He was not able to do some basic things other kids could do, and he made a number of big improvements in a matter of weeks in OT-- jumping in the pool and putting his face in the water, pumping himself on a swing and suddenly being able to ride a bike with no training wheels are a few of the things I remember. He also stopped being bothered by other kids grabbing him or hugging him. he was just more comfortable in his own skin. This built his confidence.

 

As far as the diagnosis, that is so difficult to weed through. The big thing I always keep in mind with autism spectrum disorders are that there are three main components required to receive that label -- behavioral issues, social issues, and language issues. My son was looking very much like he was on the spectrum at 3. At 13, he is a nice kid that has trouble expressing himself, but has friends his age and lots of interests. I can't imagine anyone saying he has autism. So, a lot can change in a positive way as well if you get the right help.

[naturegirl]

I haven't read all the other posts, but my first question would be, is your son getting lots of opportunities to make friends? If he's getting those opportunities and just isn't able to make friends, that struggle may only become more difficult as he gets older. That's what happened with my son. He actually did well with the other little boys when they were in the stage where all they did was run around on the playground. Once the play got more involved, I saw him gravitating toward younger and younger kids. So, at 6 years old, we would be at the pool and he would be wanting to play with a 3 year old.

 

My son has language issues and needed explicit instruction in conversational skills as well as determining whether someone was approachable, etc. A long term social skills group completely turned that around for him and that's the direction I would take as long as you are able to provide adequate social opportunities so that he can practice his skills. The group my son did lasted almost an entire school year and from what I have read, that is important. Short term groups don't give the kids the chance to build their skills.

 

The other thing that made a difference for my son socially was OT. He was not able to do some basic things other kids could do, and he made a number of big improvements in a matter of weeks in OT-- jumping in the pool and putting his face in the water, pumping himself on a swing and suddenly being able to ride a bike with no training wheels are a few of the things I remember. He also stopped being bothered by other kids grabbing him or hugging him. he was just more comfortable in his own skin. This built his confidence.

 

As far as the diagnosis, that is so difficult to weed through. The big thing I always keep in mind with autism spectrum disorders are that there are three main components required to receive that label -- behavioral issues, social issues, and language issues. My son was looking very much like he was on the spectrum at 3. At 13, he is a nice kid that has trouble expressing himself, but has friends his age and lots of interests. I can't imagine anyone saying he has autism. So, a lot can change in a positive way as well if you get the right help.

 

 

Where did you find a social skills group? That sounds perfect for my son, I just don't even know where to begin looking for something like that.

 

A couple of people have mentioned OT now, so that is something I will look into as well. Thanks for the advice. To answer your question, yes my son is getting opportunities to make friends, but doesn't usually click with the kids he meets. He will often end up playing with someone either older or younger than him, rather than someone his age.

 

I'm glad to hear that the things you did paid off and your son is a happy kid with friends and lots of interests. That is what I want for my son.

[Mom0012]

 

 

 

Where did you find a social skills group? That sounds perfect for my son, I just don't even know where to begin looking for something like that.

 

A couple of people have mentioned OT now, so that is something I will look into as well. Thanks for the advice. To answer your question, yes my son is getting opportunities to make friends, but doesn't usually click with the kids he meets. He will often end up playing with someone either older or younger than him, rather than someone his age.

 

I'm glad to hear that the things you did paid off and your son is a happy kid with friends and lots of interests. That is what I want for my son.

 

If you are in Northern VA, I can make a recommendation to you. If not, try googling "social skills groups AND your state". I hope you are able to find something. Good luck with your little boy. I know how traumatic it can be to go through something like this with a child. It sounds like you are giving it a lot of thought, though, and are going to find the right path for him.

[MeghanL]

I think the plan at school sounds really good. My word of caution though would be to stay on top of it. As the organizer of a fairly large homeschool group in my area, I cannot tell you the number of people who join in December after the school refused to follow the IEP. Just be aware that the terms agreed upon in the IEP meeting may or may not actually be the reality of what happens.

[Tracy]

I am always confused about why people think a socially-challenged child will do better in a classroom full of children who all, to one extent or another, struggle with their own social issues. My dd8 is highly sensitive. Some think that school would be a good place for her to work on that issue, but basically they are saying that if I send her to school to experience emotional pain, then she will learn how to cope with it better. That doesn't make any sense to me. A child that has particular social challenges is at greater risk for bullying and for anxiety and self-esteem issues. The kids that do well in a school's social environment are the kids that are naturally friendly and do not get hurt easily.

 

I guess my views come largely from my own experience in elementary school. I did not make friends easily, and no one helped me to make friends. Instead, I was thrust amid 20 other kids with the expectation that friendships just happen. I was teased a lot. I was always the last person picked for team games. But I still remember the time before I started school when I was just a happy kid. School changed all that. Kids are mean. They don't always intend to be mean, but they are. There is no way to protect your child from that at school. The only hope is that your child is not sensitive and doesn't recognize what the other kids do and say as meanness.

 

As a homeschooler, I can make sure that my kids play with kids whose families are teaching them social skills. I have one friend with a child that in school would most definitely be a bully. But she homeschools her dd, and works with her very, very closely on her social skills in way that would not happen in school. I am okay with my kids having some controlled emotional bumps and bruises with this little girl, because they experience fairness, justice, and forgiveness. I couldn't make that happen in a school setting.

[Berta]

This is just my opinion and is what worked for our family.

 

I have a son with high functioning autism. He was not diagnosed until he was seven years old, although we knew something wasn't right long before. I was given several differing opinions, just like the OP.

 

Long story short, during 3rd grade the public school sent him to a private school for kids with autism at no cost to me. This school was a lifesaver. It totally changed my sons life. He was in a school with kids that had similar issues and a staff that was incredibly patient and qualified to deal with his social issues. Academically my son excelled, it was the social aspect that was a big issue.

 

He went to the private school from 3rd grade until age 19. They had a program that lets the kids go to the local community college, all through this private school. At age 12 my son was a published poet. Last week he graduated from college with an Associates Degree. He starts school again in August to complete his Bachelors degree. My son is now the most social out of all my kids. I totally believe he would not have achieved all he has if I had homeschooled him. My 17 yr old just graduated homeschoool last week too and I have an 8 yr old that I homeschool, so it's not that I am anti-homeschool. I firmly believe in it for my other children. But when it came to my son I know we made the right decision.

 

And.. like several have mentioned, if it doesn't work you can always pull him out of ps.

[naturegirl]

I think the plan at school sounds really good. My word of caution though would be to stay on top of it. As the organizer of a fairly large homeschool group in my area, I cannot tell you the number of people who join in December after the school refused to follow the IEP. Just be aware that the terms agreed upon in the IEP meeting may or may not actually be the reality of what happens.

 

Thank you for the warning. This is definitely something I need to stay on top of.

[naturegirl]

I am always confused about why people think a socially-challenged child will do better in a classroom full of children who all, to one extent or another, struggle with their own social issues. My dd8 is highly sensitive. Some think that school would be a good place for her to work on that issue, but basically they are saying that if I send her to school to experience emotional pain, then she will learn how to cope with it better. That doesn't make any sense to me. A child that has particular social challenges is at greater risk for bullying and for anxiety and self-esteem issues. The kids that do well in a school's social environment are the kids that are naturally friendly and do not get hurt easily.

 

I guess my views come largely from my own experience in elementary school. I did not make friends easily, and no one helped me to make friends. Instead, I was thrust amid 20 other kids with the expectation that friendships just happen. I was teased a lot. I was always the last person picked for team games. But I still remember the time before I started school when I was just a happy kid. School changed all that. Kids are mean. They don't always intend to be mean, but they are. There is no way to protect your child from that at school. The only hope is that your child is not sensitive and doesn't recognize what the other kids do and say as meanness.

 

As a homeschooler, I can make sure that my kids play with kids whose families are teaching them social skills. I have one friend with a child that in school would most definitely be a bully. But she homeschools her dd, and works with her very, very closely on her social skills in way that would not happen in school. I am okay with my kids having some controlled emotional bumps and bruises with this little girl, because they experience fairness, justice, and forgiveness. I couldn't make that happen in a school setting.

 

I absolutely understand what you are saying. It's entirely possible that putting him in a class with 16 other kids next year could be a disaster. But if he really is on the autism scale, I want to see if people who are trained to work with autism (his aide would have training in working with special-needs children) can be any help.

 

My ideal would be to find a class specifically geared toward kids with issues similar to my son's. Something small, maybe 4-6 kids, with a teacher trained to deal with their issues. The kids could learn how to appropriately interact with each other. In an earlier post someone mentioned having something like this in her area. If I can find something like that here in my area, that would be my first choice.

 

My problem is that we've moved a lot in the past couple years, so I don't know a lot of people where I live now. I've tried to get involved during this part year in the homeschooling community. I've met a lot of nice people, but we don't see the same people regularly enough. I want some sort of co-op where we see the same kids every week in a small group setting. I've even tried to get some things going myself, but I can't find people who can do something like that on a regular basis. And out of the few people I feel like I've bonded with over the last year who have kids close to my son's age, most of them have decided on some sort of school next year or have moved away. So I feel like I'm back to square one next year, which is why this modified schedule at the public school may be just what I need.

 

I also understand what you are saying about mean kids. My son is very sweet. He may unintentionally say or do something mean, but he would never intentionally be mean to someone else. If I sense that the other kids are picking on him or being mean, I won't leave him in a situation that is upsetting him.

[naturegirl]

If you are in Northern VA, I can make a recommendation to you. If not, try googling "social skills groups AND your state". I hope you are able to find something. Good luck with your little boy. I know how traumatic it can be to go through something like this with a child. It sounds like you are giving it a lot of thought, though, and are going to find the right path for him.

 

I'm not in Virginia, but I just tried a google search and found something to check out in a neighboring town. Thank you so much for the recommendation. I thought this was something that only existed in my dreams. I know that sounds corny. But seriously, I've thought so often how I'd like a social skills class for my son, and now I'm finding out that they are real. I'm so happy that this actually exists.

[Tracy]

I absolutely understand what you are saying. It's entirely possible that putting him in a class with 16 other kids next year could be a disaster. But if he really is on the autism scale, I want to see if people who are trained to work with autism (his aide would have training in working with special-needs children) can be any help.

 

My ideal would be to find a class specifically geared toward kids with issues similar to my son's. Something small, maybe 4-6 kids, with a teacher trained to deal with their issues. The kids could learn how to appropriately interact with each other. In an earlier post someone mentioned having something like this in her area. If I can find something like that here in my area, that would be my first choice.

 

My problem is that we've moved a lot in the past couple years, so I don't know a lot of people where I live now. I've tried to get involved during this part year in the homeschooling community. I've met a lot of nice people, but we don't see the same people regularly enough. I want some sort of co-op where we see the same kids every week in a small group setting. I've even tried to get some things going myself, but I can't find people who can do something like that on a regular basis. And out of the few people I feel like I've bonded with over the last year who have kids close to my son's age, most of them have decided on some sort of school next year or have moved away. So I feel like I'm back to square one next year, which is why this modified schedule at the public school may be just what I need.

 

I also understand what you are saying about mean kids. My son is very sweet. He may unintentionally say or do something mean, but he would never intentionally be mean to someone else. If I sense that the other kids are picking on him or being mean, I won't leave him in a situation that is upsetting him.

 

 

I get what you are saying about moving. We were fortunate to have moved here when my oldest was just turning 4yo. I already knew I wanted to homeschool and was eager to make connections, but it took a full year just to meet a few people that I might like to get together with. Perhaps you can try out the school and in the meantime continue looking for outside social connections should the school not work out.

 

I don't think it matters whether he is on the spectrum or not. If you have a teacher that is familiar with spectrum issues, she may be a great resource for you. (My dd8 has some ADD symptoms, but I am not convinced she would be classified as ADD. Nevertheless, many of the coping mechanisms recommend for kids with ADD have worked well for her. I would imagine you would be in a similar situation with a possible autism diagnosis.)

[Crimson Wife]

Michelle Garcia Winner's social thinking books are supposed to be excellent as well. My youngest DD's speech therapist is a big fan of them. DD isn't quite verbal enough to get started on a social skills group but it's something I plan to do as soon as she's got the language skills.

[naturegirl]

Michelle Garcia Winner's social thinking books are supposed to be excellent as well. My youngest DD's speech therapist is a big fan of them. DD isn't quite verbal enough to get started on a social skills group but it's something I plan to do as soon as she's got the language skills.

 

 

Thanks for the suggestions. Those books look really good.

[NightOwl]

Where did you find a social skills group? That sounds perfect for my son, I just don't even know where to begin looking for something like that.

 

A couple of people have mentioned OT now, so that is something I will look into as well. Thanks for the advice. To answer your question, yes my son is getting opportunities to make friends, but doesn't usually click with the kids he meets. He will often end up playing with someone either older or younger than him, rather than someone his age.

 

I'm glad to hear that the things you did paid off and your son is a happy kid with friends and lots of interests. That is what I want for my son.

 

 

That really isn't a bad thing! He may be struggling with social skills. I have one like that too but your son is playing with someone. I honestly don't think it's all that important it's someone exactly his age. The majority of my friends growing up weren't mine. :)

 

Personally, I wouldn't do the PS. I think there are plenty of other opportunities for social interaction. If you are doing academics at home and plan to homeschool next year anyways I'm not sure I'd see the point in it (assuming he will still recieve therapy).

[6wildhorses]

I would do it. Having resources/networks is so important when you have a child with special needs. It can be difficult to find resources when homeschooling. It really sounds like you can use what they are offering and because it's such a short day you can also continue working with him at home, making it easy to transition to homeschooling the following year. I would insist on having the one-on-one paraprofessional written into the IEP without a cut-off date. I would just explain that I would be happy to discuss the matter as the year went on if it became clear he no longer needed a para. Getting a one-on-one paraprofessional in an IEP is worth its weight in gold and most schools will not do it.

 

When my kids were little I was set on homeschooling them all the way through. I learned the hard way to take it one year at a time. My son with special needs really needs the resources ps offers. However, some schools do not deliver, so you have to pay attention to what's actually being taught and to what your child is experiencing. We've had some bad ps exoeriences, but after years of fighting schools and after moving to find better schools, my son is in my dream situation. The fact that you already seem to have a good relationship with the school, a good speech therapist, and they offered you a para lead me to believe it could be a good experience. Since you sound happy with the preschool, I would give this a try. If it doesn't work out you can always pull him out.

[Mom0012]

 

 

I'm not in Virginia, but I just tried a google search and found something to check out in a neighboring town. Thank you so much for the recommendation. I thought this was something that only existed in my dreams. I know that sounds corny. But seriously, I've thought so often how I'd like a social skills class for my son, and now I'm finding out that they are real. I'm so happy that this actually exists.

 

 

Well, I'm so glad you found something near you. I hope it turns out to be great.

[In the Rain]

Generally, I don't think most spectrum kids learn how to interact well with peers by being around groups of kids without a lot of focused, adult coaching and scaffolding. But it seems like a couple of hours with 16 K kids wouldn't hurt anything and might actually be beneficial, depending on how the school handles it all. It's worth a try I'd think.

 

 

OP, since your son would have a 1:1 aide, I would try to make sure that this type of coaching is going on. I've seen a wide variety of sped assistants. Some are more or less spectating while controlling behavior outbursts. You definitely want someone who will make the most of this time to help your ds interact positively with the other kids. This is a great opportunity for personal coaching... if you can get an interested aide.