Help me help my daughter with the loss of a friendship (best friend)

[AimeeM]

Some of you may remember the ipad situation a few weeks ago where dd's best friend and another girl sent some very cruel, taunting videos and texts to my dd's ipad. Friend's mom handled it beautifully and was horrified. We'll call friend "H" - H is going through a very rough time with her father right now and I know it's wearing on her (parents are divorced; Dad lives in our neighborhood, I know Mom, but she lives a city over)...

 

Long story short, it appears that the friendship is over. I'm not sure how to handle this. The girls have been literally attached at the hip for 5 years. I mean, every other week when H is in the neighborhood with her father, I count H into the grocery budget, lol - we count her into anything we're doing as a family (movies, out for ice cream, fun park, etc), and H's dad has always done the same for our daughter (Autumn). They were literally together all day until we pried them apart for showers and bed. The BEST of best friends.

 

I *know* that some of the moodiness I'm getting from my girl is related. Her best friend is gone. She gave up ballet and co-op because of stomach issues (which have since been solved with a Celiac's dx and a change in diet, so she will be attending summer ballet sessions and a really neat camp besides) and now her best (read: only) friend is gone.

 

I know she misses H because she randomly says "can't we just forget about the videos Mom? I just want H back. Please". It's heartbreaking because she is almost begging.

 

How do I help her cope with this? Although H knows she is forgiven and we would love to have her back around, she has shown no desire to come back, which is what I'm trying not to point out to my Autumn.

[NotSoObvious]

Is there any chance H is just truly embarrassed and too mortified to come back around? Maybe approaching it from that angle would help your daughter see that it's not about her.

Just a thought. Not sure if it's the case.

[AimeeM]

Is there any chance H is just truly embarrassed and too mortified to come back around? Maybe approaching it from that angle would help your daughter see that it's not about her.

Just a thought. Not sure if it's the case.

I know H is mortified. I *want* H to understand that we know what's going on with her Dad and that I/we really DO understand everyone has their breaking points and that perhaps this was hers, kwim? I've been in contact with H's mom and I did ask them to please come to our son's birthday party this weekend.

I thought about letting Autumn text H... because it might break the ice, but I also know that H doesn't have her electronics back yet... but that her mother would probably see the text and allow H to respond. Just as a way to break the ice, I mean...

[readwithem]

Hugs to you and your dd :grouphug:

 

It might just take some time and space for H to come around. You might let H's mom know that you are interested in reviving the friendship, and see how she responds.

 

Your dd is at such a tough age especially for girls. Hormones and all that. I think the best thing you can do is let your dd know you are on her team, and let her talk when/if she wants to talk.

 

A lot of the students that I tutor have divorced parents. Their lives are complicated and unpredictable.

[Chris in VA]

I remember growing apart from a friend (but this was in college), because of different lifestyle choices/beliefs. When I saw her again after about a year, I remembered all the good reasons we had been friends, and we were able to reconnect. It wasn't the same; we had been so close, like the trunk of a tree, and after, it was like a trunk that had split into two branches--but we were still the same tree. LOL--bit of an awkward similie--but what I mean is, maybe they won't be quite as close, but they can learn to still be friends, even tho there are differences between them.

And it would teach her about forgiveness--

 

I think, IIWY, I might talk to the mom, and say how my dd really misses her dd, and does she think it might be ok for your dd to try to reconnect.

[Starr]

Are you prepared for the shoe to drop the second time? I wouldn't encourage her to break her family rule of taking the computer away by texting. Hopefully the friendship will mean enough for them to come to the birthday party. :grouphug: If she isn't interested all you can do is keep busy. I'm so sorry.

[Annie G]

I wonder if the friendship will renew once a little time has passed. Especially with summer coming up, the girl might find herself with more time on her hands when she's at her dad's.

I wouldn't let dd send a text though, since you know the girl is on restriction. (I'm showing my age- is that even a 'thing' these days?)

[AimeeM]

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[In the Rain]

:grouphug: for Autumn (and you). She is going through so many hard changes, any one would be hard enough on its own. :grouphug:

 

Why do you think H doesn't want to restore the friendship? Does her mom know of a reason? I'm wondering if the girls have somehow grown apart, or if it is just a matter of embarrassment? If it is embarrassment over the mistakes H made, can it be approached like two sisters who have had a spat and then move past it?

[AimeeM]

:grouphug: for Autumn (and you). She is going through so many hard changes, any one would be hard enough on its own. :grouphug:

 

Why do you think H doesn't want to restore the friendship? Does her mom know of a reason? I'm wondering if the girls have somehow grown apart, or if it is just a matter of embarrassment? If it is embarrassment over the mistakes H made, can it be approached like two sisters who have had a spat and then move past it?

 

I can't see how they've grown apart. The reason why everyone was so horrified at the ipad incident, is that only days before that the girls were laughing and hugging goodbye after playing for hours, talking about what they would do together the next week.

 

I hope it can moved past.

[Annie G]

Well in that case, time may really be necessary. H is going through a lot and it really might be too much for her to come to your house, where your family is intact and happy, and so close to where her Dad's house is. It just might be too much for her to handle. Autumn would be a great friend to her, and she needs a good friend to lean on, but maybe she's not ready yet.

[J-rap]

I think that's a typical age when kids who have been close friends, grow apart. Up til then, kids usually have for close friends other kids that they happen to see a lot -- through proximity or other activities. At about that age, the various backgrounds and personalities of kids start to weigh in more, and unless they have a lot in common, they often grow apart. The end result is not a bad thing, but it's a painful change for the friend who isn't yet at that point.

 

I would really try to not make a big deal of it with your daughter; I mean, DEFINITELY acknowledge her feelings and all, but then instead of letting her dwell on that, help her move on. Tell her that you know how difficult it is (and I know you already have), but that maybe it's for the best, for now. Reaffirm that it did NOT happen because your daughter is a bad friend or anything like that. But that her friend is going through a lot of difficult things and changes right now, and doesn't know how to make the best decisions as a result. I would not keep pushing the friendship, or trying to make it better between the two. I would try and help your daughter learn how to move on, both in attitude and in action. Don't let her keep talking about it and wallowing in it. Help her be positive and gently move on to other topics. Help her get involved in other activities where she can make new friends. Help her see that what happened is small in the big scheme of things. (Even though it feels huge right now.) Maybe you can plan something fun for her to look forward to this summer, like a summer camp.

 

I'm sorry, I DO know how hard this is for both the child AND the mom! I've been there, too! But I really think it's most helpful in the long run to help your daughter move on and look forward to other positive things. You may have to be diligent about stepping in and redirecting her attitude. And, you might have to put new, positive things into her path.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Wasn't there a third girl involved in this? Someone H was being heavily encouraged to befriend? What happened with her?

[AimeeM]

Wasn't there a third girl involved in this? Someone H was being heavily encouraged to befriend? What happened with her?

 

There was indeed (a third girl involved). As per H's mom (who brought this to the attention of the other girl's mom), we were told that the third girl had her ipad taken away, but I know that isn't true because she was texting Autumn again in no time; she also attempted to text H, but H's mom intercepted that. I'm not sure beyond that; unlike H and her parents, I have no relationship with this other girl and her parents.

H's mom has no intention of allowing H to see the other girl, but that will only last until H is back at dad's house (because dad is friends with the girl's mom and grandmother).

[Tita Gidge]

This is a break-up. Break-ups go through stages, and it sounds like Autumn is working through the initial stages.

 

There's not much you can do other than to be there for her, to help her process the range of feelings that are coming.

 

Both of you are (admiringly) sympathetic to H's situation, which is great - you haven't written off her OR a reunited friendship.

 

But be careful that you don't let that sympathy draw you back in prematurely, before H is comfortably down a path to her own healing (and able to reunite in a healthy friendship). I'm thinking: leave a door open to her, her dad, her mother but hold off on the girls jumping back in too quickly; it's likely too soon for H to realize the hurt she has caused, because she's understandably pre-occupied with her own hurt/confusion/situation.

 

A relationship worth saving is worth easing back in to. The birthday party could be a good way to ease into it, with plenty of family support around, ... or it could not, because who wants to see your happy family while her's is crashing into chaos LOL. You know her well enough to know how she'd handle it, and I hope one day both girls realize what a wonderful, caring woman you are. Just throwing that out there if she opts out, or if she behaves inappropriately should she attend.

 

You have to explain to Autumn that things won't go back to how they were even IF you ignore the iPad issues -- H was/is spiraling into a personal chaos, and the iPad thing was just one outward symptom of that. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't erase the core issues that H is struggling with, unfortunately :( the best your family can do for H is to let H know no bridges were burned, and that your family is here and ready when H needs her and/or is ready to resume a healthy relationship. The birthday invite was a great way to make that known to H, and even if she chooses to not attend - she's taking note that your family might be the stability she can rely on right now. (Even if she doesn't take you up on it, knowing it's there and will remain there can go far in reassuring her. And it may be that she needs to test if it will remain, given her background; she may need you to keep "proving" you haven't given up on her, "too" from her POV as the child of an addict.)

 

I don't think I'd re-introduce the messaging/iPad stuff. I think I'd be okay with Autumn writing a note or card, and snail- or emailing it. Something less pressure, where H can respond (or not) and it's more of a "I miss you, H" than setting up a volley for a dialogue that could quickly go sour once again. And ruin any chance of getting these girls back together. People who are hurting like company, consciously or not.

 

Good luck to you all, it sounds like a heartbreaking situation all around.

[Incognito]

Around that age (slightly older), I was your daughter in a friendship ending like that (sort of). FWIW, it was helpful for me to get involved in things with other girls and form new friendships. As a mom, you can support those attempts at new friendships to help.

 

It hurt terribly, Is it possible that H has moved on from your DD - and while she did still play with her out of convenience, her actual attachment to your DD just isn't the same?

 

I think it is great that you are understanding and forgiving, but do realize that this girl sent hateful, hurtful things to your DD. While it is great your DD is willing to love and accept her back, a little time and space really is appropriate. IMO, your DD should be supported in making new friends, then have H back in her life and see if that friendship is really as valuable to her (and uplifting/encouraging/supportive) as she thinks it is.

[Jenny in Florida]

I'm sorry that I don't remember the details about the original situation that caused the estrangement. So, I can't speak to the question of whether I, personally, would think it appropriate for a daughter of mine to try and rekindle a relationship.

 

In terms of how to help your daughter, though, I think I would tell her that friendships, like all relationships, ebb and flow as people grow and change. I've shared with both of my kids some of my own experiences from my youth when they've gone through losses or cooling of friendships. For example, I had one very best friend for several years in elementary and middle school, but a combination of factors (her mother remarried, she moved a town farther away, I started high school a year ahead of her, etc.) resulted in some space between us for a while. We still talked on the phone and saw each other occasionally, but it definitely wasn't the same . . . until one day it just was again. For another few years, we were extremely close, until we had a major falling out over a third person. We went no-contact for almost a year, and then one day I picked up the phone and called her and we picked up again, remaining close for some time after that. (Ultimately, I moved away, and she lost her battle with a medical problem she'd had since we were kids.)

 

The point is that, sometimes, people simply grow apart or their needs or lives change so much that there just isn't room for the same kind of relationship. Sometimes, those changes turn out to be temporary, but there's no way to know that when you're in the middle of the situation. The best we can do, I believe, is to make sure the other person knows my door is open and then respect her wish for some time and some distance.

 

In the meantime, if your daughter were mine, I'd encourage her to get out in the world and keep busy doing things she loves and being open to any possible friendships she may encounter while doing them. I would not paint this as in any way attempting to replace the lost friend, just as an opportuntity to get involved and meet new people, although I would certainly, behind the scenes, go a little more out of my way than usual to make it easy for her to nurture any sparks of new friendship that might happen.

[Starr]

There was indeed (a third girl involved). As per H's mom (who brought this to the attention of the other girl's mom), we were told that the third girl had her ipad taken away, but I know that isn't true because she was texting Autumn again in no time; she also attempted to text H, but H's mom intercepted that. I'm not sure beyond that; unlike H and her parents, I have no relationship with this other girl and her parents.

H's mom has no intention of allowing H to see the other girl, but that will only last until H is back at dad's house (because dad is friends with the girl's mom and grandmother).

 

 

She's still texting with the other mean girl that she doesn't know?

[AimeeM]

 

 

She's still texting with the other mean girl that she doesn't know?

 

Autumn? No. Beyond blowing her top once and telling her that what she did was mean and that she wasn't allowed to text her, Autumn hasn't had contact with said mean girl.

And she does vaguely know the other girl (she often visits her grandmother in the neighbor). *I* don't know her beyond seeing her once. Autumn has seen her at H's Dad's house a couple times.

[Lilaclady]

I think I will allow your dd to write to H and let her know she is there if she want to talk. With what she is going through with her dad, she might've be embarrassed and not want to initiate the friendship again. Then you need to talk to your dd about looking for other avenues for friendships, maybe have have friends from ballet over. Even if they renew the friendship, it will likely not be the same and she does need other friends.