When is it ok to let a teen quit sports?

[Unicorn.]

I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum regarding the importance of team sports than many posters on this forum. Playing team sports (especially football and rugby, in my case) has brought a life-time of benefit extending well beyond the active playing years.

 

The lessons of discipline, team work, sacrifice, hard work, preservence in the face of adversity, leadership, and common purpose are deep.

 

When I was a kid one of the annoying sports aphorisms going around (if memory serves it was attributed to the then head coach of the Los Angeles Rams, George Allen) was, "A winner never quits, and a quitter never wins."

 

As annoying as that might be, there is a boulder of truth in it.

 

Bill

 

I agree with Wendy that this doesn't have to happen through sports. The same could be said for a competitive robotics team, or a theater arts group, etc. It doesn't have to be sports.

 

OP- I think you need to leave the decision solely to your dd. I don't allow quitting during mid season, but at 15, it needs to be her decision. If she likes art, do you think she would like to take up acting, or being a part of a theater group-even behind the scenes, maybe doing props? That would fulfill your dh's desires to have her involved in a group activity.

[Spy Car]

 

 

I agree with Wendy that this doesn't have to happen through sports. The same could be said for a competitive robotics team, or a theater arts group, etc. It doesn't have to be sports.

 

Team-work perhaps, but no one got in outstanding physical condition by being on a robotics team. Athleticism is a virtue to cultivate. Being in good shape promotes good health. Not moving promotes illness.

 

I already know the next post will be, but Bill team-sports aren't the only way to get into good physical condition, a point I may as well concede now.

 

Bill

[JFSinIL]

I'd let her quit and concentrate on art - she is 15, and it is time for her to be more in charge of what she does outside school, and follows her won interests, not Dad's.

[journey00]

 

 

It actually is an "all homeschooler" team. We are very fortunate to have it. They play in a division that plays small private Christian schools and other similar homeschool teams.

 

 

Oh okay, I missed that. I would let her quit. She can get healthy in other ways and can participate in group activities with theatre and such like another poster stated. Just my 2 cents. :)

[duckens]

1) Learning teamwork through sports is overrated.

 

However, physical fitness as a habit is important. Would your daughter be interested in running 5K races? (Each one has a theme, and can be fun). Or bike rides? (Organized rides are held nearly every weekend if you are willing to travel; many are family friendly). Disc golf? (There are courses listed online all around the world). Hiking?

 

A local school offered a gym alternative using heart monitors. As long as the student logs a certain number of minutes each day with their heart rate above a certain level, the school was happy. The student could run, bike, shoot baskets, or do the hoolahoop! It didn't matter as long as their heart-rate was raised.

 

2) Philosophically:

 

When our children are young, we are their Managers.

We sign them up for swim lessons.

We take them to piano lessons.

We monitor the books and tv they are exposed to.

We avoid playdates with the wild kid that gave the cat a shave the last time he visited, and encourage playdates with the kid who speaks four languages.

 

As our children become teenagers, we move towards becoming Consultants in many aspects of their lives.

(This does NOT mean no rules or no curfew!)

We ask our children:

"Do you want to continue taking clarinet, or change to saxophone....or drums?"

"Do you want to take Honors History, or do you feel that Shop would be more interesting or practical?"

"French or Spanish or Chinese.....or a computer language?

....and their friends. By teen years, our kids have their own ideas about who they want to spend their time with. We can only hope that they listen to our concerns, and come to us if they need us.

 

After our children turn age 18, we hope to not be fired from our jobs as Consultants. A lot of that depends on what happened before age 18.

[Unicorn.]

Team-work perhaps, but no one got in outstanding physical condition by being on a robotics team. Athleticism is a virtue to cultivate. Being in good shape promotes good health. Not moving promotes illness.

 

I already know the next post will be, but Bill team-sports aren't the only way to get into good physical condition, a point I may as well concede now.

 

Bill

Nope! :lol: I agree w/ you- but there are other sports. :D Maybe she could take up swimming!

[Spy Car]

Nope! :lol: I agree w/ you- but there are other sports. :D Maybe she could take up swimming!

 

The girl is 15...not 7...she could be playing Varsity basketball this year. Stay the course.

 

Bill

[freerange]

I would give her the option of switching to a different sport or activity, encouraging her to investigate what options are out there so that she could switch at the end of the season, or perhaps try things out whilst continuing to play basketball.

[Parrothead]

Not everyone is athletic. Some people just have zero interest in sports.

 

It sounds like your dd has a passion for something. Why hold her back from following that passion?

 

Your dh's attitude about homeschooling is awful. Homeschoolers are not weird kids because they homeschool. I find that attitude insulting. Of course homeschoolers are normal kids.

 

If she must be involved with a team look into other options. Art club comes to mind. And if you don't have one nearby, consider starting one.

[Soror]

I require the kids to be active but that doesn't mean team sports and we also work on team work in other ways. My parents forced/highly encouraged me to play basketball. I was naturally compliant so I didn't want to fight them too much. It was horrible for me as an introvert. I know people think it builds confidence but it certainly did not for me. Having to go out there and do something I sucked at in front of lots of people only made me feel worse. I later learned confidence in college but it was through academic avenues, which is where I could succeed more easily. I also learned about being more active as well as I found out about all the various ways to be active without being on display for everyone. I wish there were more opportunities for activities that weren't so formal. If she has tried it for 2 years and still doesn't like it then it seems she has given it a fair shot. My only wish with the team sports was that I hadn't been made to try them at all.

 

eta: My mom was shocked when she learned how much I hated sports when I told her as an adult. I don't know how she didn't get that.

[Unicorn.]

The girl is 15...not 7...she could be playing Varsity basketball this year. Stay the course.

 

Bill

 

 

Except that swimming is a lifetime sport. Something she can do anytime, by herself, and will keep her in excellent physical condition. Basketball isn't something that will be continued past high school for her. And if you try to tell me that swimming isn't a real sport, I may have to come to L. A. and hunt you down. In fact, I'll bring dd and just turn her loose on you! :D

[RoundAbout]

In the absence of some other passionate interest, I would encourage continued participation in basketball. I think a teen has plenty of free time to do school, a sport, and drawing. I think starting at the bottom with a new sport would be more discouraging.

 

Now if she was spending 40 hours a week on theater or just begging to do swimming because its her dream sport, it would be a different story. I understand the suggestion to have her get a job, but really she has the rest of her life to work.

 

OTOH, I think 15 is old enough to start making some of their own decisions which is why I use the word "encourage."

[Spy Car]

 

 

Except that swimming is a lifetime sport. Something she can do anytime, by herself, and will keep her in excellent physical condition. Basketball isn't something that will be continued past high school for her. And if you try to tell me that swimming isn't a real sport, I may have to come to L. A. and hunt you down. In fact, I'll bring dd and just turn her loose on you! :D

 

Swimming is great, I just spent the day swimming in the delicious Pacific Ocean. Malibu (Point Dume) baby :D

 

But you don't become a Varsity swimmer at by starting at 15.

 

And basketball is played by people of all ages. Nothing against swimming. Had the girl been swimming JV for the past two seasons, an dthis was her Varsity year, go swimming!

 

But she's been a basketball player.

 

Bill

[JennyD]

But you don't become a Varsity swimmer at by starting at 15.

 

 

 

Maybe not in high school, but in college, sure. I was terrified of the water as a child and learned to swim at age 11, far too late to make it on to the high school swim team with kids who had been swimming since they were tots. But I walked on to my D3 college varsity swim team, swam for four years, and was captain my senior year. Twenty years later, I still swim regularly.

 

OP, quitting basketball sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Spending all that time on the computer does not sound like such a great idea, though. Is she willing to channel that time elsewhere?

[FloridaLisa]

I have a 15 yr old daughter who has been playing JV basketball through our cover school for two years/seasons. We would like her to continue (if she makes the varsity team), but we can tell she really doesn't want to. She has never LOVED it. She has struggled a little w/ anxiety over games and doesn't like how much effort is required of her during practices. Otherwise, she does enjoy the game of basketball overall. She's just not very competitive at all.

 

My husband and I are struggling because we know that she would like to give up on it. My husband is very concerned that if she quits, she will regret it. She admits that she really likes "being a part of something". He thinks she is missing out on a great opportunity if she quits. We are also VERY concerned that it seems that whenever anything is a little difficult, she wants to quit. We don't want her to be a "quitter"--someone that can't stick anything out and who gives up in the face of difficulties.

.

This is the only thing she shows any interest in. She has always had an interest in art and draws in her spare time. I think my husband thinks this is not as good as being involved in a sport since art doesn't give you the "teamwork" experience. I do not disagree, but I am not as passionate about sports as he is.

 

This is putting a strain on their father/daughter relationship.

edited.

 

I have found myself in a struggle of whether to push one of my dc to participate in an activity. I have found that a couple of my dc need a strong push every now and again and then . . . wah-lah! They are thrilled with the activity or decision! I think you have to trust your instincts here. There is no one right answer. It's a delicate dance between allowing your dd autonomy and helping a child along a path that in the end you are pretty sure s/he will be happy about. Some parent allowing complete autonomy -- if the child wants to quit, but they will regret it, well. So be it. Other parents have non-negotiable activities. I know several families that require piano lessons through most of the growing-up years. I think you can best sense when your child needs a nudge and when to allow your child to choose.

 

Also, is pursuing art or basketball mutually exclusive? Can she not do both?

 

The only concern I would have is that this decision is causing strain in the dd/dh relationship. I have to really examine my heart in these situations and make sure my pride isn't driving the decision. I think it's fine to feel that your child my regret it and therefore give a nudge if it's due; but not so fine to feel personal regret and therefore continue to require a child to pursue a path of the parent's making.

 

Those are some of the things I look at when faced with these dilemmas.

Lisa

[Unicorn.]

Swimming is great, I just spent the day swimming in the delicious Pacific Ocean. Malibu (Point Dume) baby :D

 

But you don't become a Varsity swimmer at by starting at 15.

 

And basketball is played by people of all ages. Nothing against swimming. Had the girl been swimming JV for the past two seasons, an dthis was her Varsity year, go swimming!

 

But she's been a basketball player.

 

Bill

 

As to the bold: Josh Davis, Olympic Gold Medalist, didn't start swimming until the age of 14. Something he likes to tell the kids- it's never too late to start!

 

At 15- she needs to be the one to decide what sport she wants to do. Trust me, when you have a team member whose heart isn't in it, it can cost the team. My dd's were put on a relay a couple of years ago w/ a girl who had the talent, but not the heart and drive- didn't show up for relay team practices (which meant the other relay members couldn't work on timing off the block, etc) and it cost them a higher place. She also showed up at competition at the last minute, skipping warm ups, and making her teammates wonder if she would show at all. She also didn't give it her all and then some, because she just didn't care. They would have done better w/ someone with a slightly slower time, but who had the heart and drive- people that want it, will reach for it, and usually do better under that kind of pressure.

 

And I'm not one bit jealous of you swimming Malibu today. Nope, not one. little. bit. :p

[Spy Car]

And I'm not one bit jealous of you swimming Malibu today. Nope, not one. little. bit. :p

 

I was a beautiful day. The water was clear and reasonably warm. A school of dolphins swam past us. The waves coul have been bigger (for my taste) but I caught a few nice ones body-surfing.

 

Bill (who's a little sun-kissed)

[myfunnybunch]

OP, at 15, your dd is certainly old enough to do some research and find an alternate activity (or activities) to satisfy the requirements/concerns you've got as parents. Enough physical activity to stay fit, teamwork, motivation.

 

It may be that an individual sport like track & field would suit her better. Or dance, or musical theater. Or maybe when it comes down to it, she'll stick with basketball because it's familiar and she plays it well.

 

There are more choices than basketball that can address your concerns, and putting the responsibility back on her allows you to step away from the question of whether or not you're forcing her to play.

 

I'd leave the art out of the discussion altogether and encourage her to pursue drawing if it's what she loves.

[brownie]

By 15 I would hope I am giving my kids some choices (because I will struggle with this too). I would discuss my concerns honestly, as well as the possible impact on getting into college if she can't stick to something. However, I would then allow her to quit(not mid-season...we don't back out on commitments) and pursue art full out through any avenue you can find and support her at it. If dad is really uncomfortable with it because of homeschooling and won't give in, maybe her choice has to be school or basketball.

[Haiku]

 

I(where personal politics and ambition is too often the dominant group dynamic)

 

 

My kids play hockey. My dd has played for 7 years and my ds for 4. Although I never wanted to be a "sports mom," we love hockey and I don't mind devoting 8 months of the year to it (and I was actually inspired by my kids and started playing hockey at the ripe old age of 36).

 

However ... even in our excellent youth hockey program, personal politics and ambition definitely rear their heads. Sometimes it's on the part of the parents (and it affects the kids), and sometimes it's on the part of the kids. To suggest that sports aren't just as political and self-centered as anything else is, imo, ignoring reality.

 

Pretty much every team has the kid who "knows" he's the best and is out for personal glory, not working as a team. On some teams it's a cabal of kids who dominate the team and limit the opportunities of the less-able (or less assertive) kids. We have had a good experience with hockey, but over the years (and over my many long years of playing soccer as a child and adolescent), we have experienced this. It's actually something that really turned me off to sports from my teen years until I began playing hockey.

 

I would anticipate that your response is that it's up to the coach to foster a spirit of cooperation and tamp down that type of behavior, and I would agree with that, but the idea is that personal politics and ambition absolutely pervade sports.

 

Tara

[jengjohnson]

We require our kids to play sports. At this point they all do pretty much year-round soccer. When soccer isn't in session (June-July) they do summer swim team. Dd13 didn't want to swim last year, but we forced it for one more year. This year we're letting her try tennis and running 5k's (her choice). Besides staying physically fit, I find that getting daily vigorous exercise really improves their adolescent attitudes. If your daughter doesn't like basketball, there are so many other things to try. If my oldest doesn't make another soccer team (try-outs this week), we've already looked into other things like martial arts and rowing. So many kids around us are in poor physical condition as teens, I can't imagine how they'll form good habits as adults.

[Spy Car]

I would anticipate that your response is that it's up to the coach to foster a spirit of cooperation and tamp down that type of behavior, and I would agree with that, but the idea is that personal politics and ambition absolutely pervade sports.

 

Tara

 

 

You anticipated exactly the correct response. This is the paramount job of a good coach. Are there bad (or misguided) coaches out there? Yes, I can not deny it.

 

Bill

 

 

[kitten18]

In the absence of some other passionate interest, I would encourage continued participation in basketball. I think a teen has plenty of free time to do school, a sport, and drawing. I think starting at the bottom with a new sport would be more discouraging.

 

Now if she was spending 40 hours a week on theater or just begging to do swimming because its her dream sport, it would be a different story. I understand the suggestion to have her get a job, but really she has the rest of her life to work.

 

OTOH, I think 15 is old enough to start making some of their own decisions which is why I use the word "encourage."

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[MBM]

I let and encouraged my kids to try out many different sports. Eventually, they've chosen the sports they've liked the most. Sometimes that didn't happen until college or after. My eldest son is almost 30 and has just begun to kayak, sail and mountain climb (all new pursuits). He loves to ski and bike and still plays hockey with friends. My daughter will be in grad school and runs and plays hockey and sometimes soccer. My youngest likes running, intramural soccer and paddle boarding at this point. He is going to give golf and windsurfing a try this summer and possibly take surfing lessons if we go to the ocean in December. I'm all for allowing kids to try many activities especially in their younger years.

 

I think it's also helpful if parents model participation in sports and other pursuits to their children. Not sure if you and your husband do this already, but I've found that my kids were more willing to try new things if my husband and I were willing to do the same. Sort of monkey see, monkey do.

 

From your post, you seem most concerned that your daughter appears to give up easily. You might want to talk to her about that some more because developing perseverance is important. If she's showing that with art, though, that is a good sign. Two years of basketball is probably enough but maybe she should try some other sort of physical activity.