how do I deal with a stubborn child??

[ProudGrandma]

My dd12 has been stubborn almost from the minute she was born. She always did things in her own time..

 

and now she is 12 and the stubborn part of her is only getting worse. She battles with her dad and I all of the time because she only wants to do things on her terms...in her way....in her time schedule. And for some things that is ok...but what isn't ok is that when it can't be her way, on her time schedule....she throws a major fit...gets real adament and defiant....and then blames us "you just don't understand" or "you love the boys more than me" or she stomps away in a fit of anger....and by that point, I am so angry, I let her stomp away.

 

Let me give you 2 very recent examples of what we are dealing with:

 

at night my husband oftens give the kids their spelling words. my dd is a good speller, but sometimes gets stuck on one or two words. My husband gave dd a word, she struggled, but with his help she was able to spell it. Then they went onto the next word, she struggled again and he was trying to help her...but by then she had already started developing an attitude and refused to listen to his help...then she just gave up..throwing a bit of a fit. So he told her that he would give ds his words and then come back to her....she stomped off and went to her room. When he was done with the boys, we invited her back and she came back. My husband wanted to start over with the hopes she would remember how he helped her with her first word..but she wanted to skip the first 2 words..and suddenly it became a power struggle...and it didn't end good.

 

This morning, I was helping her with her school work and Math not being her best subject she immediately decides she can't do it, even without really looking at it. I was able to show her she could do it, math went better. When we finished math, I told her that she needed her morning chores...she right away turned her head with an attitude and said "I know, I know"...in a tone that said "mom, it is not fair of you to ask that of me NOW"....she does this so often and I finally told her this morning that I am her mom and when she had bad behavior I WILL be pointing that out to her and she is only to respond with "yes mom" and not "I know, I know"...or some other snotty response.

 

I know there has to be a better way to deal with her, I am just not sure what it is. But I know if we don't get a handle on it NOW...it will only get worse...

 

PLEASE help!!!

[Starr]

You can out stubborn her. lol She's not too old to send to her room until she can be polite. :grouphug:

[Freckles]

This is my older dd. It's been this way her whole life. I put my foot down each and every time if she is disrespectful or has a bad attitude. She is not allowed to treat her parents with contempt. It's a struggle for sure, but we just keep at it. I tell her to use her powers for good and not evil everyday. :)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Check out The Explosive Child by Ross Greene PhD.

 

He gives you a different way to look at and handle these kids.

 

I've been using some of his plan b with my ds. It's incredibly difficult, but his explanation fit ds better than anything I've ever come across and I'm willing to give it a try.

[WishboneDawn]

Here's my 2 cents:

 

First, examine how you guys react to her. This has been going on so long that you guys may be stuck in a pattern and she, being the less sophisticated party, is stuck playing a role. Notice when she's not as stubborn and look for what you did that was different.

 

Second, "It's not fair! I don't want to do it!"

"Okay, then you are going to do your chores, When you're done those, you'll finish your school work." Do chores then schoolwork. Stick by her and be calm and polite. Don't let any anger or irritation into your voice.

If she refuses to do chores or keeps protesting then, "Okay, then you are going to stack firewood (or some chore outside that involves manual labour - exercise in the fresh air is a great cure). When you're done that, you will do your chores and then you will finish you school work." All calmly and kindly said. You have to stay centered. Expect her protest and it's easier not to be irritated by it.

She's got no choice on this. If you need to gently push her to the door, fine. If she throws a fit, she goes to her room and when she's calm she comes out and stacks the wood, then does her chores then does her school work.

While she's doing the work you stay calm and centered. NO LECTURING. You watch her, smile kindly when she looks at you, let her know she's doing a good job. After a bit of time (10 minutes?) ask her if she's ready to go do her chores. If yes, give her a hug, thank her for her work and go be with her as she does her chores. If not, tell her to let you know when she's ready to go do them and let her know you'll stay with her until she's ready. When she's ready, give her the hug, thank you and follow her in. Later, when everything is finished, have a talk about how the work piled up when she stalled or refused to do it. Also have a good conversation about respect, attitude and character. Don't lecture, ask her questions and share your own experiences with different people.

This is the system I use and it's worked well. It won't work well if you get angry. The work is about giving her some time to think and clear her head so that she's not simply reacting. It's NOT about punishment.

[I.Dup.]

Yes, you have to out stubborn these kids. They are miserable if you don't, and they will take over the whole house if given the chance. It's been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, trying to parent strong-willed children. But it's worth it to out-stubborn them. It's like they crave authority and boundaries.

[ProudGrandma]

Wishbone Dawn, I like your explanation...how would you react to the spelling words thing that happened with my husband?

[bolt.]

I think I'd focus on giving her moderately polite ways to express the sentiments that she is currently using drama and rude phrases to express.

 

Can you teach her to actually say, "I feel like I want to give up, and I need a break." -- rather than shouting about it? If she did say thing like that, would you be one to say "OK"? Or would you press her to keep trying?

 

If you could deal with that kind of dynamic, I suggest going through the long process of (a) providing her the scripts she needs, and (b ) gradually working with her until she can use them in real situations with emotions present.

 

In my opinion, it won't work to teach her that "good manners means not expressing what you think and feel if its negative." The lesson needs to be, "there is always an ok way to say what you think or feel, you just have to think for a minute to phrase things well."

[WishboneDawn]

Wishbone Dawn, I like your explanation...how would you react to the spelling words thing that happened with my husband?

 

 

Same way. I'd just frame it a little differently.

 

"This seems to be getting frustrating for you. Time to go do your chores. We'll finish after."

If she has a fit, "Okay, you're going to stack wood. After that you will finish your chores and then your school work."

 

If she's having real troubles.with the work then the chores can help clear her mind out a bit. If the issue is simply attitude then she'll keep getting the same predictable results.

[walkermamaof4]

This might be totally irrelevant, but my dd16 is exactly like this. Except that in her case, we happen to know that she has Fragile X Syndrome. If it weren't for a nephew very affected by Fragile X, we would never have figured this out. I know part of this is temperament, but for our dd, we don't think it is going to change. I battled it for years. At some point I decided it really had as much to do with her Fragile X as with her. And I just decided to love the child I have. Our relationship is absolutely beautiful now and I am so thankful I decided to stop butting heads. How much of what I was fighting for really mattered anyway? It was always my way that had to be. Anyway, I find myself often wondering what genetic mutations the rest of us have and how much does that affect who we are. I think if there is room for us to bend as parents, to say yes way more than no, we might want to for the sake of having children who can come to us about anything and feel loved and secure.

[Joanne]

Hm.

 

You may have 3 choices.

 

1) Keep doing what you've been doing.

 

2) Decide to use the programs in one of the books recommended.

 

3) Take the most objective look at the situation possible. Decide what IS TRULY important, and act on that only. For ME, it would be the stuff in the first paragraph. It would be the drama stuff, the self-centered stuff, the holding me hostage with your feelings of unfair stuff.

 

In my house, THAT would be the intervention point. We'd have a come to maturity and reasonableness talk (we don't have come to Jesus talks in my house ;)). I'd tell my much loved dd that I loved her, that I parent each child differently, as needed by the personality, and that I don't answer to her about how that plays out. I'd tell her that I was DONE being held hostage by the drama. That I've forgiven the past, but from this moment on, SHE is responsible for the quality of her life and time. She can chose to engage happily with the family and with life, or she can chose to be in her room with restricted privileges and activity. That the moment she "goes there" with drama, unfair, claims of lack of love, she is choosing to remove herself from family time and possible later events ~ because I'm not spending my time with drama.

 

And I'd follow through, each and every time. The moment she goes there, I'd either have her go to her room or I'd arrange to be apart.

 

Now, here's the thing, though. I said I'd look objectively at the whole situation. And, if the OP were me, I'd have to see that I was trying to control attitude that I ASSUMED was going on. It is normal time 100% for a 12 year old girl to say "I know, I know" to a request/demand that she do chores. I *could* respond with engaging in battle, fueled by the assumption of negative intent on her part. I *could* add to the stress of my day. Or, I could ignore it and make sure the chores get done anyway.

 

Likewise, I could decide to do battle over 2 particular spelling words. A case could be made that she needs to know who is boss, and it was a battle worth waging. But, looking at it objectively, I'd probably see that for me and my family battles, THAT one wasn't worth it. If given a do-over, I'd probably simply move onto the other spelling words. But, the spelling lesson would have been over at the front end with the drama at that point; and she would have know she CHOSE to have something fun tomorrow replaced with the spelling she failed to do without drama tonight. Then I'd make hot chocolate. :)

[Ellie]

My dd12 has been stubborn almost from the minute she was born. She always did things in her own time..

 

and now she is 12 and the stubborn part of her is only getting worse. She battles with her dad and I all of the time because she only wants to do things on her terms...in her way....in her time schedule. And for some things that is ok...but what isn't ok is that when it can't be her way, on her time schedule....she throws a major fit...gets real adament and defiant....and then blames us "you just don't understand" or "you love the boys more than me" or she stomps away in a fit of anger....and by that point, I am so angry, I let her stomp away.

 

Let me give you 2 very recent examples of what we are dealing with:

 

at night my husband often gives the kids their spelling words. my dd is a good speller, but sometimes gets stuck on one or two words. My husband gave dd a word, she struggled, but with his help she was able to spell it. Then they went onto the next word, she struggled again and he was trying to help her...but by then she had already started developing an attitude and refused to listen to his help...then she just gave up..throwing a bit of a fit. So he told her that he would give ds his words and then come back to her....she stomped off and went to her room. When he was done with the boys, we invited her back and she came back. My husband wanted to start over with the hopes she would remember how he helped her with her first word..but she wanted to skip the first 2 words..and suddenly it became a power struggle...and it didn't end good.

 

This morning, I was helping her with her school work and Math not being her best subject she immediately decides she can't do it, even without really looking at it. I was able to show her she could do it, math went better. When we finished math, I told her that she needed her morning chores...she right away turned her head with an attitude and said "I know, I know"...in a tone that said "mom, it is not fair of you to ask that of me NOW"....she does this so often and I finally told her this morning that I am her mom and when she had bad behavior I WILL be pointing that out to her and she is only to respond with "yes mom" and not "I know, I know"...or some other snotty response.

 

I know there has to be a better way to deal with her, I am just not sure what it is. But I know if we don't get a handle on it NOW...it will only get worse...

 

PLEASE help!!!

 

Rather than think of her as "stubborn," think of her as someone who doesn't like to make mistakes because she feels compelled to be perfect, and who when pushed retreats into herself more, because she's afraid she'll be wrong again. Calling her "stubborn" when she is, in fact, not is like saying a child is lazy when he is, in fact, not, and it can be deeply harmful.

 

I'm thinking that since she had actually spelled the first two words correctly, she saw no point in doing them again. I agree with her. I would not have wanted to do them, either, under those circumstances. You think of it as hoping that she would remember how she had been "helped" to spell the first time; she was thinking that she had already done them successfully, and she was offended at being asked to repeat something. You made it into a power struggle. And FTR, possibly your strategy of having Mr. Northeastprairiemom do the spelling words with the dc in the evening might not be the best one for her, even though it works with her brothers. Also, you're describing the actions of a first-born: feeling the need to be right (i.e., perfect), being unwilling to do something and be wrong, being offended when others don't recognize that she was right, and so on. Ask me how I know this [said the first born, who has always, always struggled with the same thing].

 

First borns are usually good leaders, because they have strong concepts of what is Right and Wrong, of How Things Must Be Done, and of The Importance of Being Perfect At All Times. Although they do need to learn to take correction, it is important not to think of them merely as being stubborn but to find ways to work with their personalities.

[I.Dup.]

I'm thinking that since she had actually spelled the first two words correctly, she saw no point in doing them again. I agree with her. I would not have wanted to do them, either, under those circumstances. You think of it as hoping that she would remember how she had been "helped" to spell the first time; she was thinking that she had already done them successfully, and she was offended at being asked to repeat something. You made it into a power struggle.

 

In our house, it would have nothing to do with the spelling words. My stubborn children refuse to be wrong and want to blame everyone but themselves. You were wording that as an asset, but I think of it as a great disability if we don't help them conquer that while they are young. Refusing to be wrong, refusing to accept responsibility, feeling they are constantly justified in every decision no matter what that decision is, everything is unfair, etc, those are not positive qualities and will not develop into positive qualities as they grow. If the spelling words was stupid and meaningless to her, where does that stop? What if she finds chores or other subjects or necessary responsibilities stupid or meaningless? Should she not have to do those either? The biggest thing I have to work on with these kids is learning to accept responsibility (Joanne outlined that very well) and to recognize when they need to bend their will for someone else. That is an important life skill, IMO.

 

I agree not going to battle over every, little thing. I don't want to live on a battlefield. But this spelling word issue obviously brought to light a whole lot of other issues regarding pride, refusing to be respectful, refusing to do a very simple task, etc. Those are worth going to battle over, IMO, because they create bigger and bigger problems.

 

What Joanne said is what has helped curb the out of control behavior- just refusing to engage in the drama. We set the guidelines and we just don't budge (at first) until we see that they can give a little. As they start handling their responsibilities and being more respectful, they get more privileges. Until then, everything pretty much stops. It got to the point when we were being lazy and letting the kids get away with way too much where my oldest was unwilling to do pretty much anything we asked, which is just unacceptable for an 11 year old, and I don't think it would have been a healthy pattern to continue.

[ProudGrandma]

I Dup: this is more like what is going one MOST of the time. granted, I see my daughter not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please....HOWEVER, more often than not, she is is refusing to be wrong, refusing to take responsibility for her actions and wanting to blame her brothers...or simply respond "I was just kidding"...case in point...last night the kids were making PB&J for supper after a late soccer game and my one son wanted the PB and my dd grabbed it and wouldn't give it to him, he started getting mad, she didn't give it to him, finally my dh stepped in and her response was "I was just kidding"...instead of taking responsiblity for purposefully keeping the PB from her brother...

 

silly stuff...but that is the kind of "button pushing" that happens all day long....every day...between my 2 older kids. My poor youngest, he just sits back and watches the 2 big kids go at each other all of the time.

[WishboneDawn]

I Dup: this is more like what is going one MOST of the time. granted, I see my daughter not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please....HOWEVER, more often than not, she is is refusing to be wrong, refusing to take responsibility for her actions and wanting to blame her brothers...or simply respond "I was just kidding"...case in point...last night the kids were making PB&J for supper after a late soccer game and my one son wanted the PB and my dd grabbed it and wouldn't give it to him, he started getting mad, she didn't give it to him, finally my dh stepped in and her response was "I was just kidding"...instead of taking responsiblity for purposefully keeping the PB from her brother...

 

silly stuff...but that is the kind of "button pushing" that happens all day long....every day...between my 2 older kids. My poor youngest, he just sits back and watches the 2 big kids go at each other all of the time.

 

 

That would be a good starting point for a discussion. Lay out the example and then ask her how she thought others viewed her actions. What reaction did her actions provoke? What does she think people will assume about her if she continues acting like that? I'd outlines what I thought her real intentions are, not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please, but also point out the dangers to character of involved in that, refusing responsibility and shifting blame. I'd then ask her about other ways to handle it, how her brothers feel, how her parents feel, etc.

 

Discussion though, where she gets to work through things herself and come up with answers and even more questions. Not a lecture. :)

 

And listen to Joanne, she's a star with this sort of thing.

 

And don't think those of us giving advice have it all sorted out. I can still be inconsistent and lecture the kids into boredom at times. :D

 

ETA: A good book for building discussions around character and issues like this is Philosophy for Kids. It has all sorts of questions about how to act and think and has a bit of an outline for you to follow in asking her questions. I'm betting she's a pretty thoughtful and curious child (the stubborn ones usually are) so it might be a great fit and help her gain some distance and insight.

[Greta Lea]

Oh, my! Sounds like my now 15yo ds. Stay calm and don't react with anger or attitude. It worked well when I could calmly ask my ds, "Am I yelling and speaking disrespectful to you? I need you to talk to me with respect as I'm talking to you." Often I would also have him repeat something he just said to me in a respectful and calm way. I'd just tell him, "Say that again in a calm and respectful way." Another thing I realized is that my ds is like me in that he hates to NOT have choices. Honestly, not having choices gives ME anxiety. My son is the same way. So, with your spelling words issue with dad, I would have asked her if she wanted to start at the beginning of the list or with the words she missed. If she still is hard to deal with, I'd ask her if she'd rather write the words instead of oral spelling. Of course, she will need to learn that we don't always have choices, but it will help her deal with that fact if you can give her a bit of warning ahead of time (even if it's just a few minutes, but give her time to think about this fact before imposing the no choice issue on her). Also, let her know that you know it's hard for her to not have choices and that you want to help her learn to deal with the anxiety she has in moments when she has no choice. "I understand how you feel." I say this a LOT. My ds has gotten SO much better. Part of the reason he's better with this is because he is now on the other side of the HUGE puberty hormone swings. Your dd is still there. Also, he has learned to control himself and how to cope when things aren't going his way. (Want to mention that I know this is one big ole long paragraph. For some reason, I can't make paragraphs by hitting enter:(

[fairfarmhand]

This sounds so childish, but it worked with my oldest.

 

With the annoying stuff, "Its not fair!" "You don't love me!" "I know, I know!" I started doing it myself. ad nauseum.

 

"Mom, are my jeans clean?" I'd wail, "You don't love me!" and rush off dramatically.

 

"Mom, can I have some more pancakes!" " I know, I know!"

 

"Can you take me to the mall?" " It;s not fair!"

 

Now there is nothing more that my child wanted at that age than to be taken seriously. Mom mocking her responses caused her to see how ridiculous her behavior was.

 

:grouphug: to you OP. My dd was very much like this at age 12. From day 1, She's required more parenting energy than our other 3 kids put together. I won't kid you, It's been very hard. But at 15, I can see some progress. She will likely NEVER be an easy kid to parent. But she's a good kid overall (I have to constantly remind myself of that.)

 

Now the button pushing stuff...I had to start treating picking a fight or pestering the same way as I treated more overt forms of hostility. I tell my kids they must tell the fight picker or pesterer to STOP it. And then if the pesterer doesn't knock it off, there are consequences because getting fun out of making others unhappy is BULLYING! I've said it 1000000 times to my kids, "We don't have fun by making others unhappy." So I don't accept "I was just kidding."

[Ellie]

I Dup: this is more like what is going one MOST of the time. granted, I see my daughter not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please....HOWEVER, more often than not, she is is refusing to be wrong, refusing to take responsibility for her actions and wanting to blame her brothers...or simply respond "I was just kidding"...case in point...last night the kids were making PB&J for supper after a late soccer game and my one son wanted the PB and my dd grabbed it and wouldn't give it to him, he started getting mad, she didn't give it to him, finally my dh stepped in and her response was "I was just kidding"...instead of taking responsiblity for purposefully keeping the PB from her brother...

 

Ah. More information. :-)

 

In that kind of situation, I'd be all over her like white on rice (although I wouldn't call it stubbornness). In the spelling lesson, though, I would not assume that the issue was stubbornness, but more of what I already described.

 

silly stuff...but that is the kind of "button pushing" that happens all day long....every day...between my 2 older kids. My poor youngest, he just sits back and watches the 2 big kids go at each other all of the time.

 

I feel your pain. Two first-borns can be a PITA! (Your older ds counts as a first-born since he is the first-born son.)

 

When your dh stepped in over the PBJ, how did he correct your dd?

[I.Dup.]

I Dup: this is more like what is going one MOST of the time. granted, I see my daughter not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please....HOWEVER, more often than not, she is is refusing to be wrong, refusing to take responsibility for her actions and wanting to blame her brothers...or simply respond "I was just kidding"...case in point...last night the kids were making PB&J for supper after a late soccer game and my one son wanted the PB and my dd grabbed it and wouldn't give it to him, he started getting mad, she didn't give it to him, finally my dh stepped in and her response was "I was just kidding"...instead of taking responsiblity for purposefully keeping the PB from her brother...

 

silly stuff...but that is the kind of "button pushing" that happens all day long....every day...between my 2 older kids. My poor youngest, he just sits back and watches the 2 big kids go at each other all of the time.

 

Yeah, I get it. What worked to get my dd to at least start curbing her behavior was just to send her to her room every, single time she started picking on her brothers, being snarky, being disrespectful, etc. When she quickly lost that audience there was no reason to continue. Often she would throw a complete TANTRUM in there, but at least she was off in her room. It's not fair to the rest of the family (especially her brothers) to have her out here when she's like that. Finally after a few weeks of sending her to her room when she got that way, she started being able to curb it more and more and we're able to have more rational discussions, etc. She really got out of control for awhile, when we weren't holding her accountable for her behavior.

[Parrothead]

I Dup: this is more like what is going one MOST of the time. granted, I see my daughter not wanting to be wrong and wanting to please....HOWEVER, more often than not, she is is refusing to be wrong, refusing to take responsibility for her actions and wanting to blame her brothers...or simply respond "I was just kidding"...case in point...last night the kids were making PB&J for supper after a late soccer game and my one son wanted the PB and my dd grabbed it and wouldn't give it to him, he started getting mad, she didn't give it to him, finally my dh stepped in and her response was "I was just kidding"...instead of taking responsiblity for purposefully keeping the PB from her brother...

 

silly stuff...but that is the kind of "button pushing" that happens all day long....every day...between my 2 older kids. My poor youngest, he just sits back and watches the 2 big kids go at each other all of the time.

 

 

And did she have consequences for pulling a stunt like that or did you let it slide because she said she was kidding?

 

What are you doing when all this happens? Why is she allowed to stomp off disrespectfully? All of this stuff you have described sounds like something a toddler would do? Temper fits and bullying her sibling. Put a stop to it.

 

 

Family members treat each other with respect. Parents should be shown respect. All this enabling of bad behavior is not going to help them. Drama queens don't keep jobs or relationships. It sounds like you and dh have taken the path of least resistance. It is time to change that.

[I.Dup.]

And did she have consequences for pulling a stunt like that or did you let it slide because she said she was kidding?

 

What are you doing when all this happens? Why is she allowed to stomp off disrespectfully? All of this stuff you have described sounds like something a toddler would do? Temper fits and bullying her sibling. Put a stop to it.

 

 

Family members treat each other with respect. Parents should be shown respect. All this enabling of bad behavior is not going to help them. Drama queens don't keep jobs or relationships. It sounds like you and dh have taken the path of least resistance. It is time to change that.

 

 

:iagree:

[ProudGrandma]

I agree we need to change it...and that is why I posed the question to you guys...I think we let things slide more than we should...so I know we need to buckle down and do it...

 

our kids get a weekly allowance and lately I have started taking money away from them for leaving things (clothes, audio books, outside toys) out where they shouln't be...and boy has that worked like a charm...they value their money and when I take it away, they have really started being less lazy. (the amount is even very small... (dimes and quarters)...so we have considered doing that with my daughter too...money speaks to her...she is saving up for a camera. everytime she gets into an arguing match with us or misinforms us with "I was just kidding"...she will give us a quarter...nothing else seems to matter to her...going to her room, taking away privledges, etc...

 

thoughts??

[Ellie]

so we have considered doing that with my daughter too...money speaks to her...she is saving up for a camera. everytime she gets into an arguing match with us or misinforms us with "I was just kidding"...she will give us a quarter...nothing else seems to matter to her...going to her room, taking away privledges, etc...

 

thoughts??

 

That would work. Also, you might try this: "Dear, it will cost you 25 cents for each minute you argue. Go ahead." [look at your watch and wait...] I might charge more for the "just kidding" events.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I highly recommend reading Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer? . The single most beneficial thing here is listening to DD. In your examples, a squeeze of the shoulder, looking directly in her eyes and saying, "I can see you are getting frustrated. Want to talk about it?"

 

She doesn't make the rules. She doesn't get away with anything. She's not allowed to be rude or snotty. She is still disciplined and receives punishments as appropriate. This isn't about letting her off the hook for poor behavior. But listening to her, making her feel truly heard, is at the base of parenting her. My DD is younger, obviously, but I could see the road ahead (mainly because I was on it myself as a child). My parents didn't listen, and I stand by that assertion to this day. I used to be the resentful kid who sounded stubborn and snotty. I've talked here before about how I built up a wall. When I started hearing my DD sound like I used to, and when I could see her kind of retreating into a "me vs them" frame of mind, it was a real wake up call. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm not 'them,' I'm you!" That book helped times a million. I recognized myself and my DD in it.

[Parrothead]

I agree we need to change it...and that is why I posed the question to you guys...I think we let things slide more than we should...so I know we need to buckle down and do it...

 

our kids get a weekly allowance and lately I have started taking money away from them for leaving things (clothes, audio books, outside toys) out where they shouln't be...and boy has that worked like a charm...they value their money and when I take it away, they have really started being less lazy. (the amount is even very small... (dimes and quarters)...so we have considered doing that with my daughter too...money speaks to her...she is saving up for a camera. everytime she gets into an arguing match with us or misinforms us with "I was just kidding"...she will give us a quarter...nothing else seems to matter to her...going to her room, taking away privledges, etc...

 

thoughts??

 

Sounds like a good idea. I know a quarter wouldn't hurt my dd, but that is because she get $5 a week. When chores go undone around here she pays me $1. I liken it to her having to pay a maid. Those lessons got learned really quickly.

 

The bullying/teasing of siblings would have to stop. I don't know what your swiftest immediate consequence is, but I'd enact that the moment teasing or bullying starts. And no playing it off a kidding. Practical jokes don't hurt feelings or rip family relationships to shreds.

 

And don't forget to talk. Try to make time for one-on-one time with each kid. Make sure they know the rules are changing and that the consequences won't be forgiven with arguing. Oh, and no matter how hard it is to refrain, don't argue with a child. Keep your patience and don't engage. When she is done talking tell her that the consequence remains, now get to it.