Do you ever feel like you can't do enough

[Targhee]

for your child(ren)? Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and inadequate. I always knew my kids were bright, and a bit quirky, never had cognitive or intelligence testing done. One of the reasons we homeschool is because, after a few years of public school, I knew they were not getting enough. In the last year I began to notice my oldest Dd stuttering (that was what SLP called it, but it's not what I would have described as a stutter), and having difficulty expressing herself. Writing has always been hard (physically, and organization wise), and combine that with the fact that she has a soft voice and is not very assertive and I was afraid that she might have some kind of LD or communication disorder.

 

So we had went to a private psychologist for an Ed psych exam. We haven't got the numbers back nor had the follow up with the doc, but in the quick conversation we had after the evals it seems DD is quite gifted and psych thinks she needs more ____ (stimulation, challenge, intellectual peer interaction, etc), and because she hasn't had it she is, well, languishing.

 

So, after feeling relieved that there is no LD and that the ADD diagnosis diagnosed from the pediatrician may not be correct, I am now feeling overwhelmed. I already feel overwhelmed as a mom of four smart quirky kids trying to just keep things together on this adventure of life and school, but **how I am going to provide her with the MORE she needs??? How are you able to provide your gifted kids with the MORE they need.**

[Grover]

DS is my "more" child. He tested somewhere out there in the stratosphere and one of te pieces of advice the ed psych gave me was to teach him to learn for himself, because if I was driving it I'd burn out in no time flat. He's only 6, so we continue to do that, and I let him go as far and as fast as he can, leave interesting stuff around for him to explore and find out more, add links to his websites page and generally try and put stuff in his path that I hope will excite him, while providing the underlying skills (handwriting, spelling, composition, key boarding etc) so that he can express his ideas. Outside classes help too - music (piano) with a teacher who gets him and is helping him fly, gymnastics so he can push his body as hard as he pushes his mind, martial arts for some discipline and self control. It's a work in progress... some weeks I feel like I live at the library with him, and other weeks I hardly see him because he's off on some journey of exploration or other.

Our driving force is to find him challenge - he needs to have something that he cannot do easily, and must fail, persist and rethink his strategies, and we actively support him in that problem solving.

 

It's hard work though, and we don't always get it right.

[lewelma]

I think that Grover's ideas are excellent. And yes, I regularly feel like I can't do enough. Right now I am swamped in math, just see my siggy. I even say that I am going out of my mind. So you are definitely not alone.

 

Given that you already homeschool, but have been told that she needs more stimulation, do you feel that you are providing her challenges? Do you feel like the curricula you have chosen are a good match? Why do you think she is languishing? Has she ever told you that she does not like what she works on or that it is too easy? Your curricula choices seem pretty standard. What does she have to say?

 

If you think that you do need to provide her more, I completely agree with Grover that you cannot be the sole initiator. She needs to have some internal desire. If you try to provide her with lots wonderful experiences, you are going to quickly burn out. You need to slowly work on her internal drive.

 

I thought it might be useful to see what MORE means for my 12 yo (please keep in mind that we worked up to this level over a number of years):

Literature: Classics, always. The harder the better. He is currently reading Moby Dick. If we go on holiday, the difficulty needs to go UP - so Shakespeare or something in middle english

Math: AoPS - it is the most rigorous. and competitions.

Science: High school level material starting at age 11. He reads for 7 months. I give no tests and we do no experiments. Then 2 months of a large scientific investigation

Foreign Language: Mandarin with a tutor

Music: Violin with a tutor using ABRSM exams and competitions

 

This is not meant to make you feel badly or to be used for comparison; instead I have listed these things to help you think about what you are providing. Depending on her ability, you may need to reset your expectations and just get her more difficult material. But I would talk to her -- a nice long, unhurried, uninterrupted discussion.

 

When I am choosing curricula, I evaluate each subject separately. For writing, he uses grade level material because that is where he is at. For science, he cannot take a high school level class because he cannot do the output, but he can do the reading and the understanding. I just meet him at his level. At a younger age this meant compacting curricula - skipping problems, sections, etc that he already knew. This also meant buying more materials until he quit going through multiple years of material in one, or until I could find his level. I also highly recommend using your library, because you can ramp up the difficulty without any financial outlay.

 

As for the stutter, I am guessing given what you said that it is a disfluency without a repetition of words or syllables. My youngest has struggled with this. I would suggest that you see a speech therapist because *some* remediation is very easy. We were told to slow down our life. Less stress, fewer outings, less busyness. And to slow down our speech. These environmental adjustments worked wonders.

 

Ruth in NZ

[8filltheheart]

I would leave a lot of open-ended opportunities for learning/exploring. Construction toys (my daughters are different from my sons and prefer toys like Playmobil or brick and mortar building sets over Legos/Knex) are great ways for kids to challenge themselves. But the ways are pretty endless for children to explore/learn---puppet making and show production, novel writing, movie/documentary producing, arts/crafts, etc, etc. Let her pick challenging books to read. Let her explore topics that come up from her reading. Take the "rabbit trail approach" for the rest of the yr and see how it goes.

 

 

[Greenmama2]

Yes, I often feel that I can't do enough. I hope the feeling passes soon for you.

[Kfamily]

:grouphug:

 

Yes, I often do. You've received a lot of great advice already, but I wanted to send you a hug.

[MissKNG]

Oh yes! I have two and they feel like six - I usually feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Between the academic needs, the quirks, the extremely.non.stop.high.engery, the little sleep they require, etc, etc, etc...

 

You are not alone!!

 

Cooking and baking - the girls work well and keep busy when I let them bake and cook things.

[Dmmetler]

Yes, yes, yes. My path is similar to Grover's, for similar reasons. Basically, I can't do it all, so DD has to do it. One thing I've had to ease up on is screen time-because if she can spend time on Ted Talks, Khan Academy, AOPS, SpongeLab, and various other sites, she can get some of that depth, and then go off on tangents on her own without my having to do it (or having to drive her to the library quite so frequently). It's exhausting.

 

We started the online class route this past year, both using live online classes and software that lets her move at her pace, and that helps, too. I expect we'll be going that route more in the future.

 

Contests and competitions have been good here. Both the big academic ones, and things like "Write an essay about your life with your reptile pet, and it might be published in "Reptile Magazine" (that one required me contacting the publishers to get permission, because she was well under the minimum entry age). It doesn't seem to matter how she does so much as giving her a project to work on. I actually have a stockpile of 5 medals and certificates from various events that didn't have separate awards programs that I guess she'll get at our homeschool group end of year party-but really, I don't think she cares so much how she did. It's the project to work on in the moment. I heard a mom who's daughter was involved in pageants describe most of them as "fluff and fold"-fluff the hair, fold the sash, and move on to the next one, and that's what DD does. Take the math test, talk about the questions in the parking lot, and add the certificate to the notebook. Write the essay, send it in, and move on. Make the lego creation, enter it in the contest, and move on. Create the science project, show it at the fair, and move on....

 

I've been getting stratospheric test results for her since age 2, which was when the quirks overwhelmed me enough to seek testing. And I'm still getting them, although they're now less surprising and more "Yeah, that's what I expected". But I will say that every single one hits me with a new batch of Guilt feelings that I'm not doing enough to help her live up to her potential. It's hard to balance that with just letting her be herself.

[Five More Minutes]

Yes, yes, yes. I had a little meltdown earlier this year when I realized that I needed to do more for my dd in some areas (especially science) when I was already pouring so much energy into feeding her brain in her obvious area of strength (language). And I really, really wanted to be able to talk it over with someone over a cup of coffee, but what does one say? "My daughter needs more stimulation and advanced material. Woe is me." I don't have anyone IRL who will get that overwhelm, or who would even understand that yes, I do in fact have to make sure her brain is getting this extra stuff because otherwise she will implode.

 

I am so. glad. for this board and the people here.

[quark]

I agree about teaching your kid to teach herself. I spent a considerable part of my son's 7th-9th years helping with the executive function skills that needed work before he was ready to become a much more independent learner than he previously was. I wrote some of what we did here.

 

Other than that, I suggest taking a deep breath and going with "her" flow. You can give her more by giving her more time to do the things she loves to do. Like Ruth says, it's easier with a self-driven child. I found that once I was willing to let go of some of my own insecurities about gaps, my son was more willing to take the initiative. We've been doing some of the things Ruth mentions from a young age as well so I don't know why I was so hung up on gaps. Maybe for you and your DD, OP, it could be something else.

 

Be brave and willing to try new things. Like taking a month to follow a dream project. It pays off in more ways than you would have guessed.

[regentrude]

I see it as my task to give my child opportunities to learn, materials with which to learn - but NOT to be the teacher, entertainer, doer.

I see it as my task to share with my child what makes me excited about this world, what I love, am interested in - we read, travel, hike, rock climb, visit museums, concerts and theaters. This stimulates their interest, they find things they are interested in, and I may be able to find help them find resources for further learning.

I find it actually very easy with gifted children, once they are removed form the corset of public school and able to follow their interests, read books, write stories - you just have to offer them materials and enough room and time to pursue all their rabbit trails.

 

For school, we stay away form anything "boxed", anything with worksheets, fill-in-the-blanks, busy work. Less is more.

Lots of challenging literature and discussions, not study guides or book reports. Challenging math curriculum with few, carefully selected problems (AoPS), not pages and pages of drill. College textbooks for middle and high school science, not designated "school" curricula.

[Targhee]

Thank you all for your suggestions, and your encouragement! It is nice for ME to have a peer group to sound things off to - people experiencing what we are. I saw lots of academic suggestions for how to enrich, accelerate, and stimulate her. Thank you - good excuse to buy more curriculum :D But I am wondering if the academic enrichment won't be easy, compared to say giving her true peer interaction, or teaching her how to deal with her own sensitivities/intensities, or dealing myself with her sensitivities. I was already feeling like I was struggling to stay afloat. My DS and DD6 have not been tested, but my guess is they are gifted as well. They are bright to say the least, intense (to say the least :unsure: ), and they are both louder and more demanding that DD10. She is quiet, and I am afraid that is why I didn't realize that her needs weren't being met. She is not assertive at all, and would sooner break down into tears than request more of what she wanted (if she felt it would inconvenience anyone else). And maybe the frazzled state I have been in this year has made it even harder for her to assert herself. :sad: I really had considered throwing in the HS towel because I have felt so depleted between the three of them, and a toddler, that I have not been patient, I haven't had enough focus on DH, I don't know when I last walked the dog, my house is in utter chaos [which makes me more irritable], and I seem to be going from thing to thing to thing for the kids and forgetting to do important stuff like put the bills in the mail... There is no way I would send her to a regular classroom now that I know that what we are doing at home is not enough [because PS is even less], and she wouldn't find peers there. But now I am thinking that DS's ODD symptoms and DD6's sassy behaviors may be because they are not getting enough stimulation/peer interaction/enrichment/acceleration/etc.

 

So how do you give them the non-academic MORE?

 

PS Thank you for listening to my rambling insecurities

[Targhee]

I agree about teaching your kid to teach herself. I spent a considerable part of my son's 7th-9th years helping with the executive function skills that needed work before he was ready to become a much more independent learner than he previously was. I wrote some of what we did here.

..,

 

Be brave and willing to try new things. Like taking a month to follow a dream project. It pays off in more ways than you would have guessed.

Thank you for both of these, especially the encouragement to spend time on important things even though other things (regular academic work) my be on the back burner! I think maybe this would help me not feel so overwhelmed the next time one of them comes at me with grandiose ideas or has a lagging time in the asynchronous development.

[Targhee]

Less is more.

Yes. This. Somehow I've forgotten this

[Incognito]

You are fortunate in that you have 4 children who can challenge one another and be peers for one another (eventually). I'm sorry that you have been having a tough go of things. It sounds like a regular "date" with your oldest (when the younger kids are in bed?) might help you both to re-connect and you to feel better about how to support her.

 

HTH

[lewelma]

:grouphug: I only have 2. I can't imagine more.

 

1) Your dealing with her sensitivities: I am going to stick my neck out here and suggest that you need more structure and control over the kids. *You* need down time. I would suggest 1 hour of quiet time every day. Each kid in his/her room and mom in hers. do this when the toddler is asleep. It must be the #1 priority or you will go slowly nuts. (sorry, but it is true)

 

2) I am concerned about her speech. This is critical to get under control because it gets harder as a child gets older. Frazzled is bad for kids with speech trouble. I know that this is the last thing you need to hear, but you do need to hear it. Get a speech therapist and DO what she tells you to do! I have been there, and I know how difficult it will be for you, but it is worth the trouble. Communication is very important in this world. Like it or not, people judge, and you want her on the winning side.

 

3) Her sensitivities: She is quiet and soft spoken and surrounded by loud siblings. I think that you need 30 minutes every day of "special" time just to *listen* to her. Stick the kids with an electronic babysitter if you have to. But her sensitive nature needs to be handled by a calm, unharried mother. This is important. I know, I know, you have 4 kids and it is crazy; this is why it is even more important. Really, you must find a way. Every day is best, but if all you can do is 2x per week when dh comes home and takes the others, take your sensitive quiet soul out for a walk just the two of you. It will make all the difference in the world.

 

4) True peer interaction. Well, good luck. I have had NO luck with this. But kids will be kids, and as long as they are just running around, academic ability does not really matter.

 

5) Non-academic MORE: Well, honestly it is all academic as far as I am concerned. Anything that is done well requires study. Study equals academic as far as I am concerned. Given that caveat, a musical instrument has done wonders for my older ds. Drama and gymnastics has done wonders for my younger. All you can do is introduce her to many options, she has to make the effort. We have done water colour, national geographic, cooking, origami, carving, weaving, etc. I also make sure that we go regularly to the museum, concerts, plays, even the opera.

 

6) Finally, give yourself some slack. I think of myself as pretty smart and I went to public school and had 3 siblings and a mother who was doing a part time PhD. I was bored and hung out with average kids, and I turned out just fine. Love is where it is at. Make sure that she knows that she matters and that you are willing to listen to her and that you care about her concerns, and then let it go. It will be fine. Really.

 

Ruth in NZ

[8filltheheart]

For the non-academic more, I think the idea of mom/dd date night would be a good one. I have done that with my dds when life at home seems to crowd them out. Make a weekly date to do something together. B/c our life is always at full speed, I often had to combine it with other errands, but they don't really care b/c they just like the time alone. So, we might go to the park for a walk, stop by someplace for an ice cream, then go to the library together, and then do the grocery shopping on the way home.

 

What does she like to do on her own? Does she have a way for expressing herself creatively? My girls all like art in some shape or form. One dd loves her "commonplace book." She writes her favorite quotes in calligraphy and then decorates the pgs. Another loves to play fashion designer. She has bags of fabric that she twists and ties on herself to create outfits and another bag of scraps that she does cuts and does the same thing on barbie dolls. Another loves to color and has really nice colored pencils and the intricate Dover coloring books,etc etc.

 

I agree with Ruth about the need to create structure and boundaries. With large families, routine, boundaries, etc are vital in order to meet the needs of everyone. My "noisy, energetic" ones have mandatory outside time so that those of us that thrive on quiet and calm have a break, etc.

 

FWIW, I would take what the psy said and only use it as a framework of suggestions, not a mandate on what you have to do. Work with your dd to find what makes her happy. Talk to her and listen to what she has to say.

 

 

[Mukmuk]

Just perching here a bit to to soak up some sympatico before running off to look for more stuff. After cajoling me on wanting to learn physics and showing he's serious by reading books on the topic, I finally find a bunch of stuff that are more highschool-ish. This kid has gaps though, but when I go backwards to explain, I get an earful about too much simplicity :(. This is all so Goldilocks. I'm tired of constantly looking for the right level of challenge. And we just had our break :(.

[Barbara H]

they are both louder and more demanding that DD10. She is quiet, and I am afraid that is why I didn't realize that her needs weren't being met. She is not assertive at all, and would sooner break down into tears than request more of what she wanted (if she felt it would inconvenience anyone else). And maybe the frazzled state I have been in this year has made it even harder for her to assert herself. :sad:

 

 

Right now do you have any set time to discuss learning with her? Maybe a little ritual where the two of you sit down once a week with some cocoa and have a little business meeting to discuss plans for the week. As she's timid it may take quite structure and practice to get her better at voicing her needs. It can start with little stuff - planning a baking project or movie, selecting a loose unit study, etc.

 

Another thing I found helpful with a more timid child is to have a notebook where we exchanged notes back and forth. It can be anything from the silly (jokes and puns), to words of encouragement ("I noticed yesterday that you were really frustrated but you kept your cool") to a place to talk about write out feelings that may be tough to discuss aloud. For some quiet kids this really helps them feel safe to open up.

 

Profoundly Gifted Guilt is a good article that may be helpful to you right now. Can you relate to anything in this article?

[Targhee]

Parsed in bold

:grouphug: I only have 2. I can't imagine more.

 

*You* need down time.

 

Get a speech therapist and DO what she tells you to do!

 

"special" time just to *listen* to her.

 

give yourself some slack.

Ruth in NZ

 

Thank you for all your suggestions. These in particular I fear I am not doing and really need to do.

[Targhee]

Right now do you have any set time to discuss learning with her? Maybe a little ritual where the two of you sit down once a week with some cocoa and have a little business meeting to discuss plans for the week. As she's timid it may take quite structure and practice to get her better at voicing her needs. It can start with little stuff - planning a baking project or movie, selecting a loose unit study, etc.

 

Another thing I found helpful with a more timid child is to have a notebook where we exchanged notes back and forth. It can be anything from the silly (jokes and puns), to words of encouragement ("I noticed yesterday that you were really frustrated but you kept your cool") to a place to talk about write out feelings that may be tough to discuss aloud. For some quiet kids this really helps them feel safe to open up.

 

Profoundly Gifted Guilt is a good article that may be helpful to you right now. Can you relate to anything in this article?

 

 

We only have our end of the year review (something I do with each of them) as a set time to discuss learning with her. I guess I have been mistaken in thinking I know what she wants/needs because I am around her all the time.

 

I will read the article, thank you. I like the idea of exchanging notes, and I think DD would really like that.

[Targhee]

 

I agree with Ruth about the need to create structure and boundaries. With large families, routine, boundaries, etc are vital in order to meet the needs of everyone. My "noisy, energetic" ones have mandatory outside time so that those of us that thrive on quiet and calm have a break, etc.

 

 

 

This is always an issue around here. I like to have things organized. I like to have routine - I go nuts with no structure. It is only when I have structure that I feel confident in rolling with the unexpected/unplanned. I spent hours in college planning my semester schedules, mapping things out on paper to optimize my time on campus (right down to a quiet spot I could take a nap in if needed), and so that I didn't have to think about it. DH is not like that. At all. It is a big source of tension in our marriage. It's so hard to love someone so opposite than you - I cramp his style, his lack of organization (and disruption of mine) puts me in a tail spin. To top that off he works constantly changing shifts in the emergency room. Like every day is different, no two weeks are the same - there are 7 different shifts possible in one day and that is just at one hospital (he moonlights at two others), and he hardly ever has two shifts in a row that are the same. So we love having the flexibility of HSing so we can enjoy dad when he is around instead of him missing half the kids' lives, but it often just disrupts our day. Now, add to that oldest DD has ADD (inattentive) and no concept of time (like her dad), DS and DD6 are both ADHD and DS shows many ODD behaviors, and the younger is, well, a toddler, and I feel like I am the only source of regulation for an entire family of chaos makers (whom I love dearly). That is a big part of my frazzledness. I KNOW we need structure, but I feel like no matter what I do I'm defeated by the minions of chaos :willy_nilly:

 

You're right though. We need MORE structure. :001_unsure:

[Barbara H]

We only have our end of the year review (something I do with each of them) as a set time to discuss learning with her. I guess I have been mistaken in thinking I know what she wants/needs because I am around her all the time.

 

 

 

Just to make sure I said it clearly...Yes, being with her I'm sure you do know. It is more just about giving her lots of chance to practice speaking about her ideas and opinions. That's really tough for some kids and the fact that we know them so well... makes it so they don't have to practice it.