Recently widowed MIL---what things should we be doing/thinking about?

[Ottakee]

My FIL passed away Tuesday night at only 67. My MIL is 66 and is active, in good basic health but is a kidney transplant patient (15 years or so ago).

 

DH and I are just trying to think of things that we need to think about/do, etc. Things like making sure she gets her taxes done, contacting Social Security and his pension plans, contacting the bank/mortgage company, etc. He did all of the banking/business stuff but asked that I take that over (help her) now.

 

He did not have a will but is that OK as all assets---car, house, bank accounts, etc. is in their name jointl?. My dh is their only living child and no one is fighting for anything, etc.

 

I was thinking that next week we might have to go to the cell phone place and redo her plan for only 1 phone now, maybe change the cable/dish package as she won't ever need the sports channels, etc. he wanted.

 

What other things---big or little should we be looking at? She want to sell her house out in the country and move into town to a small condo if we can swing that financially.

 

Any hints here? I have never done this. Last night I was writing an obituary and I am acting as the "funeral home" for arrangements, etc. as keeping costs down is key.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry about your FIL -- 67 is so young!!! :crying:

 

It sounds like you already have a good handle on what you need to do. My only advice is to remember that it doesn't all have to be done immediately. You can take a few days or a week (or longer) to process what happened, and then start checking things off of your to-do list -- unless you think it will be helpful for your dh to stay busy and feel like he has control over the tasks at hand.

 

One suggestion about your MIL moving into a small condo -- is there a senior condo or apartment complex in her area? The prices are usually fairly reasonable unless it's a really exclusive type of place with a ton of amenities, and there are always lots of widows in those places, so your MIL would make friends and have a lot to keep her busy. The only downside to senior complexes is that there can be a waiting list to get in, so if you think she would be interested, now would be the time to get on the list, not after she has her home on the market.

 

Again, I'm so sorry about your FIL. :grouphug:

[MeghanL]

No advice, but I'd like to offer my condolences for your loss. :grouphug:

[Myra]

She is only 66 years old - that is young. So I gently suggest that your husband (and yourself) should be empowering her to be able to take care of her own life and finances now that she is on her own - step-by-step. This is the time for her to explore all the facts, figures, and decisions that involve being an independent and widowed adult. She should be making decisions about how to be living independently with advice and guidance (and maybe handholding) from your son and a lawyer. A good lawyer would be able to advise your MIL on how to set things up financially and power-of-attorney, etc while being a good source of advice about what is adailable in your area for senior citizen support/living, etc. - and the lawyer fees will more than pay for themselves in getting things set up right the first time and knowing what needs to be done for the future.

 

Myra

[Tammyla]

I'm very sorry for your loss. We lost fil a year and a half ago.

 

:iagree: with working with her to empower / equip her to handle her personal and financial decisions. The desire to care for and nurture her will be strong, but she will need these skills to function on a day to day basis.

[Mama Geek]

My mom is about the same age (63) lives in her home, takes care of all her finances has friends is active and still works. My brother helps her with yard work.

 

They always say to wait a year before making any major decisions after a loved one has passed. Unless she really can't afford to stay in her home, I would suggest waiting that long before encouraging her to move and then only if she were really struggling.

 

I do agree with helping her to learn the things that she needs to learn to be on her own.

[Ottakee]

She is very capable in some things but not so much in finances. She will still keep control of the bank accounts, bills, etc. but I will just check in once in a while to make sure everything is done. She is one of the ones that thought if she had checks in the check book she could keep writing them and the money would just "be there".

 

We don't want to rush the move into town and it might well be a while. That move though has been in the thinking, etc. phase for a while so it would not be a sudden thing.

 

MIL is very active but VERY VERY ADHD. She is also a kidney transplant patient so takes quite a bit of meds and needs medical monitoring. She is certainly not helpless at all.

 

Are there other people to notify? Things to do that we might not be thinking of?

[jenn-]

One issue you probably need to check on quickly is the bank accounts. If he was listed as the primary on the account, the account may freeze when the social security office declares him deceased. This seemed to be an issue with widows around here when I was preparing taxes. Last thing you need to have are checks bouncing because the accounts are frozen.

[twinmami01]

Sorry for your loss.

[Annie G]

Check with any credit cards they had. If they were joint, check to be sure your MIL can still use the account. Some accounts seem joint but one is the primary and the other just has charging privileges. She'll want to cancel HIS cards but not hers. Same with car insurance- take him off the account but perhaps be ready to fight to keep her rates from going up.

 

Did he subscribe to any magazines or anything? That's been hard for my dad- Mom subscribed to several quilt magazines and a couple others and it took him months to get those to stop coming. It made him cry every time he saw one in the mailbox, knowing how much Mom loved reading them.

 

So sorry for your loss- your fil was young!

[Frances]

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I just went through this with my mom when my dad passed away in January. Although my mom has always handled the finances, the stress of my dad's illness and then his death has left her understandably quite shaken, and she now likes to discuss financial decisions/concerns with either me or my brother and have us accompany her to some of the important meetings (lawyer, financial advisor, bank, etc.). As best as I can remember, here are some of the things we helped her do:

• Sent letters to companies where my dad had life insurance and annuities to begin the claim process.
  
• Removed my dad's name from all bank accounts, property and car titles, household utility accounts, etc. and transferred to her name the very few things that were only in his name
  
• Notified the pension office of his former employer
  
• The funeral home took care of notifying the Social Security Administration and also ordered 10 death certificates for us (you will need some to do many of the tasks here)
  
• Reviewed all of her bills and helped her set-up a new budget based on her new income
  
• Reviewed car insurance, phone, and cable bills to drop things that were really only used by my dad
  
• Cancelled their joint credit card and asked the company to issue one in her name only
  
• Contacted the three major credit bureaus to report his death so that credit cannot be issued in his name
  
• Cancelled supplemental health insurance plan and nursing home/assisted living policies on my dad
  
• Met with her financial planner to discuss her investment plan/income needs going forward
  
• Met with her lawyer to discuss anything we were forgetting or couldn't do on our own
  
• My parents both had living wills, but now that my dad is gone, there needs to be someone to make decisions on her behalf and handle her finances if she becomes unable to do so. My brother and I now have Power of Attorney to do this.
  
• Since my mother's primary beneficiary for all of her accounts, property, policies, etc. is now deceased, updated all of those so her children are the beneficiaries.
  

I'm probably forgetting some, but will add them later if I remember. I know one of the non-legal/financial issues my mom most appreciated help with was writing thank-you notes. Having several of us share the task of writing over 300 of them so they could be sent in a timely manner was very helpful to her.

 

Take care.

[datgh]

I would find a good lawyer to answer many of your questions. Your MIL also needs a will as well as different powers of attorney for her finances and health. If she where to suddenly become very sick (may that never happen), it could get pretty messy without having all the paperwork in order and you will spend hours untangling it all possibly in court. Better to be proactive verses reactive. I was executor of my uncles estate and pretty much told my parents I wouldn't be theirs if their paper work wasn't in order. My uncle had his in order and it still took me hours upon hours to wade through all the estate stuff but I quickly realized the value of having a good will. Also, if your FIL's name was on the house, make sure you have it removed so there is a clear title when/if your MIL decides to move. A good accountant is handy to have too. Your MIL will probably have to file income taxes for her and FIL for this year if they had enough income.

 

Sorry for your loss. I know it is a tough time and there is so much that needs to be addressed that it must feel overwhelming.

[Butter]

I'm very sorry. My FIL died in 2005 at 62. My MIL was 59. Ask your MIL what she would like help with. Do not assume she will need help and just step in and do it. It's very hard to go throug a death, particularly one younger than expected.

[Pawz4me]

If your MIL's name is on all bank/investment accounts as a joint tenant with rights of survivorship then you will have no problem continuing to access all the funds.

 

As far as contacting an attorney -- I agree that may be something you need to do, especially in regard to a will, living will and powers of attorney (durable and health care). As far as settling the estate, I'm not convinced you need an attorney's assistance. I've been through this process with my father and FIL and in both cases the people at the county clerk of courts' offices made settling their estates very simple. We were walked through the process both times. They gave us step-by-step instructions of what needed to be done and really expedited the process. Both of them had relatively simple wills and all assets were either jointly in the spouse's or children's names to begin with, so I'm sure that helped. My mom died last week, and I don't anticipate any major problems settling her estate based on my prior experience in being an executor and how helpful the county personnel have been.