Dear Homeschooling Mother of a Teen-Aged Boy (or Girl)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just need some other commiseration from someone homeschooling high school with a teenage boy. Part of me thinks we're doing ok and part of me wants to bag the whole thing.

 

He is just so dopey and out of it some days. He says that he's not sleeping really well. He takes Calms Forte sometimes to get to sleep but that isn't enough. He gets eight hours of sleep and sometimes more. He wakes up on his own, so could sleep more if he needed to.

 

He gets fairly good grades - all A's and B's. Some days he's fast and accurate. Most days he's slow and accurate. And occasionally he's totally off in left field and I have him do it again. He has a tutor coming for Latin now and she's really good. She gets him to focus and he does really well. She has pulled him from a B up to a solid A. I have the feeling that if I had exactly the same kind of tutors for all his subjects he'd do as well. But we can't afford that. And while I could do that for the humanities, I don't have the time and energy. Which makes me feel like I'm failing him because while we're doing ok - we could do spectacularly. I don't think that p.s. is the answer because what I really want is an individualized education with all experts teaching him! (And they just can't do that). Tell me it's ok that I can't do that either.

[jhschool]

You sound like you are doing a good job.

He sounds like a good student too.

Mine would sleep 14 hours a day if I let him. (Or if he didn't have

classes to get up for.)

Slow and accurate is good. One of the perks of homeschooling is

you don't have to be going fast. My DC is not the fastest, but he is

very deliberate and hard working, and likes to understand things.

 

It all sounds good. As and Bs are good. You sound like you are doing great.

 

But...I know how you feel. I wish we had money for everything too. We have

had to cut out violin for this year so we can afford extra math tutoring (not

because he needs help with his current material, but because he wants to

learn more of the topics that are not taught in school). We cut out several

things to use the money for some online courses. We don't take vacations--that

may sound extreme, but that is what works for us. Maybe you can cut costs

somewhere to be able to afford more tutors?

 

Can you get great tutors that do it for less? One of my friends (not

homeschooled) got a *great* tutor for her son (her son was struggling

in school). The tutor was free because he was doing it as part of his

Honor Society volunteering. The guy was great and really knew his stuff.

 

Can you join a co-op? Some teachers in co-ops are better than private

school teachers and definitely better than some community colleges. And

some co-op classes are very inexpensive. At our co-op, we have Anatomy &

Physiology (with lab) and Biology (with lab) each for about $100 for one semester,

and the teacher is astounding! We also have an amazing History teacher there

($100 or so), and a great English teacher ($120). And some of the classes are

free. Of course, some teachers are not as great, but you have to ask around.

 

And--it's OK if you can't do it. At some point he has to take control I think and

reach his full potential on his own.

 

One last thought:

What about getting together with friends to study? That can be a big motivator,

and they can help each other. That may be what could push him from good to great?

[dbmamaz]

yours sound better off then mine. he's still barely doing any work imo. he whines that he's tired and his legs hurt and he's hungry . . . it takes forever to get him working. so i give him fairly light work, but once he really sits down to it, he's done in like 2 hours. so i'm sure its not enough . . . i cant get a grip on it. i'm planning to send him to community college and he's dreading it because it will be too much work

[FloridaLisa]

I will commiserate with you but also encourage you because I have two boys that have lived through that stage and are doing very well! And I just had one of those days with my current 13- and 16-year-old today! You know with boys (maybe girls too, but I've experienced this only with my boys so far), you can be soooo proud of them one day and completely exasperated the next!! Just when I let up and take my eyes off of them because I'm working so hard, they let up. I have to continually encourage, prod, push and hold accountable.

 

BUT. Based on my experience with my older two boys, they do eventually get it. At some point, they mature and begin to self-initiate. It's amazing! I've really seen this with outside classes once they hit the junior and senior years of high school. I saw my oldest really take off not just academically but with many leadership roles. I 'm holding that hope out for all of mine! In the meantime . . . encouraging, pushing, prodding, holding feet to the fire . . . :bored:

 

Lisa

[Miss Marple]

I will commiserate with you but also encourage you because I have two boys that have lived through that stage and are doing very well! And I just had one of those days with my current 13- and 16-year-old today! You know with boys (maybe girls too, but I've experienced this only with my boys so far), you can be soooo proud of them one day and completely exasperated the next!! Just when I let up and take my eyes off of them because I'm working so hard, they let up. I have to continually encourage, prod, push and hold accountable.

 

BUT. Based on my experience with my older two boys, they do eventually get it. At some point, they mature and begin to self-initiate. It's amazing! I've really seen this with outside classes once they hit the junior and senior years of high school. I saw my oldest really take off not just academically but with many leadership roles. I 'm holding that hope out for all of mine! In the meantime . . . encouraging, pushing, prodding, holding feet to the fire . . . :bored:

 

Lisa

 

Lisa, I totally agree!

 

Jean, the boys do mature, they do figure out life...eventually. I told a friend (on my ds's 20th birthday) that the time seems to go so fast, but it also seems to go agonizingly slow sometimes. Just when I get a glimpse of maturity, they revert. But from my experience with the older ones I can say that those glimpses come more and more often and last longer each time. And then, BANG, he's 20 years old!

 

I have developed a great compassion for teenage boys. The world is constantly pushing them to grow up and mature (often my own words to my own kids) when in reality they are growing and maturing just at a pace that isn't on my agenda :) If they have an idea of their future, they really don't realize what the path to that future entails. My advice: feed him well, let him sleep enough, make sure he gets enough physical exercise, set some goals for him, and then be there prodding, encouraging, pushing, offering pearls of wisdom even though they may not seem to sink in, etc. And he will get through it...and you will survive...a much wiser mom for the experience :p And I've found that the older the boys get the more grateful they are for their mother. Hang in there...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you. You are all encouraging.

[shanvan]

No words of wisdom. I'm just reading along hopefully.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OK - a couple of you have mentioned letting them be slow. I've had to do this to some degree out of necessity. But how do you reconcile that with the need to teach them to keep up with deadlines like they will get once they hit college? I've been stressing getting things handed in on time this year and I know it causes him stress. Sometimes (according to him) too much stress. Sometimes he rises to the challenge and does just fine.

[Luckymama]

What kind of deadlines does he have problems with? Long papers or projects? Or just things like homework and lab reports?

 

If it's with longer assignments, you might consider breaking down the deadline into mini-deadlines: one day topic for the topic, one day for a list of resources (books and other supporting research), one day for an outline or notecards (if you do that), one day for a rough draft (so you can make comments for improvement), and then the last day for the final version.

 

My older kids in school learned how to deal with long assignments this way in 8th grade and in 9th grade. I know that teachers for the lower-ability phases continue with this method at least in 10th grade, perhaps 11th grade.

[Jane in NC]

OK - a couple of you have mentioned letting them be slow. I've had to do this to some degree out of necessity. But how do you reconcile that with the need to teach them to keep up with deadlines like they will get once they hit college? I've been stressing getting things handed in on time this year and I know it causes him stress. Sometimes (according to him) too much stress. Sometimes he rises to the challenge and does just fine.

 

 

What kind of deadlines are you providing?

 

With my son, I made a disastrous attempt to have him manage his own schedule around age 14. I gave him a list of weekly assignments and let him choose how he wanted to do things. With some teens this works well, but it did not for my kid at that time. He would spend Monday and Tuesday doing what he loves doing (watching TC history lectures and reading) and then realize that he had five days of Math, Latin, writing, etc. looming. By the time Friday came around, he had more work remaining than could be completed in a day due to dallying. So the weekend was spent getting caught up.

 

I then changed the script. He had daily work to do in Math and his foreign languages. His writing assignments were broken in steps which were brought to me for inspection. By the time he entered 10th grade, he could manage the workload of a course like AP Bio on his own. He just needed some hand holding to learn to juggle smaller deadlines with larger.

 

I do think that adolescent boys are just dopey some days. One day my son forgot all of the Latin verb endings he had mastered years earlier but understood the Mathematics that heretofore had been mysterious. I remember thinking that switches in his brain were turning on and off before me.

 

Boys this age needs lots of physical exercise! Find a neighbor who needs a ditch dug if all else fails.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

One thing I have noticed about teens is that they don't mature evenly. If one area of their lives is showing maturity, responsibility, etc. other areas are often suffering. They also don't all have the same schedule for this-if one has deadlines down this week, the other one will have listening and rememebering instructions down but not deadlines. They also don't seem to keep going up hill with their successes in these areas. For every amount of progress there is always some back sliding, then repeate over and over. I keep expecting even and continous growth in their abilities, temperment, maturity, etc. and I keep forgetting this just isn't possible.

 

Also, keeping the kids full of healthy food, sufficient rest, plenty of exercise, and time for relaxation and being goofy with other teens (and with their parents) all help. I think a bit of risk and trust in allowing them to handle some of their own affairs is important. I try to let them handle some of their responsibilities to clubs, sports, outside teachers etc. themselves. I do pay enough attention to keep them from terrible mistakes but I think helping them grow in this area is important and there is no way to do it but let them try. I think an element of control in their own lives can help.

 

Of course in all this I'm not mentioning the controlled aspects of their lives-sports schedules, academic schedules, chores, etc. They have lots of outside order and expectations placed on them and communication is key. They more they know about thier own schedules for classes, activites etc. the better. I also make sure they know our family plans so that they can organize their time around what we all have going on.

 

In short-hang in there-you aren't alone. :grouphug: Maybe we all need I survived teaching high school t-shirts at the end? :laugh:

[Nscribe]

Teens = Hard, Enigmatic

 

I am sure somewhere out there, in some remote village, is the teen who enthusiastically meets and exceeds all expectations (and on the weekends saves the world wearing appropriate clothes he/she washed, ironed, folded and kept neatly). Honestly, if I woke up and Dd behaved that way I would be very suspicious, search for signs of a break in, check her for signs of surgical implants and make sure the dog still responds to her the same.

 

As it is, just about the time I think she is past that stage everyone refers to she humbles my expectations. One day she could rival anything one might see on Leave it to Beaver, the next I wonder if she will be featured on Dr. Phil or MTV's various teen real life horror shows. It is easy to get lost in either sort of day (granted it is far less stress on the Beaver type days) and miss the bigger picture.

 

Homeschooling does mean we see far more of the subtle changes than we might otherwise. I realized this just last night when a neighbor was talking in terms of months about changes in her teen and it struck me I tend to think in terms of days and weeks. The neighbor was noting she received a 6 week summary type assessment and her teen son had been missing deadlines in three classes. As I listened to how she was trying to figure out how to help him get back on track, it really struck me that we are able to address things as they happen, not once they become patterns/habits. It also struck me that I didn't have as many questions about what was going on in Dd's life. I left the encounter thinking that maybe I do see more of the fluctuations and maybe that is a blessing, although not always an easy one to have.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I will definitely want a t-shirt at the end of this!

 

And yes, homeschooling does mean that we see the subtle changes. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much on his back - that I know every small slip-up the moment it happens. I'm not a micromanaging person and do try to give him space but I am there more than I would be if he were at p.s.

 

He has daily work. If he does one hour in each subject every day it gives him a six hour day. But sometimes he puts in one hour and he's still only done half of that day's assignment. Some of the work he does is just hard. Some of it (like logic lately) he will be doing some extra googling trying to figure it out and then discovers he was doing something wrong and has to go back and do it over again. So plugging away every day still isn't getting what is on his syllabus done by the end of the week. I suspect that his attention wanders and that if I could sit down with him at the table like the tutor does and bring his attention back every time it wanders, he'd get a lot more done. But I can't do that because I'm teaching his little sister and trying to get some housework done. We do meet together one hour every morning. This morning we are going to work together on the essay that has his stumped. But I'm sort of afraid that it will end up in a brawl . . . (not really, but you know what I mean.)

[Miss Marple]

During the teen years I've had to mix things up quite often. Just when I was getting comfortable giving them a list of subjects/pages to cover, they began moving at a snail's pace and were unable to complete very do-able assignments in the time allowed. I think it's a hormone thing. They would look at the assignment list and eyes would get glassy and the moans would turn to wailing, "I'll never get all that done." Honestly, they were right! So at that point, I sat down with them and asked if it were more reasonable to have them put in a certain amount of time per subject (using the public school day as an example). They liked that! They got to help determine how much time :) And, guess what? It was the same amount of time that I had anticipated it would take to do the assignments I listed. For some reason, they felt better about a "timed" rather than a "page number" assignment sheet. That worked for a while...then they said, "just tell me what you want me to get done today." It made my head spin!!! But it got them through that slump.

 

My motto for the teen years: always be ready to change

[Nscribe]

(always be ready to change)²

[bugs]

I am sincerely grateful for this thread.(says the mom who just minutes before reminded her son for the 3rd time to focus on his school work)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, our morning meeting went surprisingly well. We'll see what he produces as a result of it.

[kewb]

This thread is so timely for me. I just had another discussion with my son about the realities of how many hours a day he needs to get his school work done. He has great difficulty with the fact that his little sister is done so much earlier then him. It does not matter that she does the same amount of work he did at her age. Having never been a teenage boy his attitudes and behavior boggle my mind. My dh says the brain fog and having to repeat myself and break things down into simple steps is perfectly normal.

[kerenlynne]

Everyday! I need this thread EVERYDAY! Today while supposed to be working on History fun project-Favorite subject and an easy fun project-I find DS watching youtube videos! But hey! I am so not understanding and yes he was working on his project and I am so mean. To top it all off, when apologies are issued DS starts the apology with "we could have both handled that differently" I thought I was going to explode.

[shanvan]

Another mom grateful for this thread. I get to hear how much Ds hates high school fairly often. The work is harder and requires more focus. He was expected to work more independently, but I had to scale back on that b/c he can't manage his own time so well. He bemoans the fact that his school day is so long and then wants to do other things even though he hasn't finished all of his work yet. And like Jean's Ds it seems to be taking him a long time. I don't know if he isn't focusing or what b/c he's off up stairs where I can't see what is going on. He needs to be upstairs b/c I need to have a quiet house for teaching Dd. So the day comes to an end, and there we are with unfinished work that has to be made up on the weekend. I am tempted to do an experiment and give Dd a day off so I can take Ds through an entire school day of subjects instead of just meeting with him for some. Then I'll be able to tell if the workload is too much or he's just not applying himself enough.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, ds appears to be getting sick. He's taken some oscillo and is taking a nap. Not that this explains the months of dopiness etc. but it does explain why yesterday and today were so much worse!