Adult Children in financial need - WWYD?

[brownie]

If you help them such that they get into a more expensive rental or mortgage situation, you may be enabling them to be less financially responsible and get them into further financial trouble in the long run. Don't make them feel like their situation is unacceptable. They are trying to be responsible. I would help by getting them a ton of the baby stuff they need so that it is clearly a gift, but frees up some other money financially for them to make their own (hopefully responsible) decisions with and also hopefully reduces some of their stress over how they will care for a baby on top of everything else. Or if you think they are really responsible and you can afford it, consider giving them a cash gift.

 

DH and I are responsible but we also know that if anything catastrophic happened, we could count on our parents to do everything in their power to help us. Knowing they are there if something happens beyond our control is very comforting. DH's parents are very generous with us but we always hesitate to take anything. On the other hand, it is ALWAYS given without hesitation and with no expectation of repayment (e.g. a vacation). For us to take the money, it always has to be something that brings them joy as well (e.g. they are going with us and the kids on the vacation) and I truly know it is something they want to do for us.

Brownie

[PrincessMommy]

This came at a great time for me, thank you!

 

My daughter is 20 and living at home going to college ... she has created a crisis for herself .. .really, all her own doing . . .and is dropping out of college and job hunting, saying she wont stay in college unless I take money out of my savings to pay for her to live on campus instead of in our house (about a half hour drive, but she swears its an hour). My husband is livid - he made it clear when we got together that he would not be supporting my kids, so I would work - which was fine by me. But things happen, and he finally ok'd me staying home for a year, and then another, and then Ok'd the homeschooling for 5 years . . . we've been spending everything he makes, just on bills and homeschooling and tuition for dd's college . . . I was wondering if maybe I SHOULD give her some money and he's LIVID . . . but really, she has been making bad decision after bad decision, being rude to us, refusing to talk to us about anything . . .

 

Its so hard being a mom!

 

It IS so hard being a mom to adult and almost-adult children. :grouphug: I am going to agree with the others that, with your circumstances, you shouldn't give her the money Seriously, she's quitting school because of the drive?? She's going to find out quickly how hard it is to get a decent job (ie one that pays living expenses) without a degree. I would say she wants to be an adult - let her.

 

It will be hard. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I worked during school, and had a job immediately after graduating (not big bucks--waitress.) When Dh and I got married, I was working fulltime as a social worker and he had 3 part time jobs and was a grad student. We've both always worked hard.

 

I don't think I have ever asked for money. However, when my dad has known that we were struggling (dh's company went through two really hard spots) he has sometimes given us money to help us out. I have been very grateful for it and we didn't turn into addicts or ne'er- do -wells.

 

My dad will tend to keep things even, so if he gives to one child, he gives to the others a similar amount, maybe for different things. However, I don't think anyone knows exactly what he gives the others or keeps track. It's none of our business what the others get.

 

I think in your dd's situation if you have the money to help, it will be a blessing. Gift, not loan.

 

If they were both lying around the house all day smoking weed, or if there was a pattern of extravagant spending, my answer would be different.

[dbmamaz]

I don't think you should give her any money. She is trying to blackmail you by threatening to drop out of college if she doesn't get her way about living on campus. If she wants to live on campus, let her get a job and pay for it. If her circumstances were different

 

II am going to agree with the others that, with your circumstances, you shouldn't give her the money Seriously, she's quitting school because of the drive??

 

thanks for the feedback ladies! it is made harder because she is following in my sister's footsteps of chronic physical and mental health issues - she has fibromyalgia, so she was working when the semester started, but got sick and had to quit. She was hospitalized for a suicide attempt 2.5 weeks ago . . . but is implying its living in our house thats making her like that. She made and then cancelled a counseling appointment. She also took a trip to a conference 2 weeks before that, hoping to get some proffesional contacts, but the trip went badly and she came back very sick, and was worried she couldnt finish the semester - she had all As but a B in stat.

 

Its hard because she's smart and motivated but keeps shooting herself in the foot and blaming me! and i just ache for her!

 

thanks again and sorry for a big of hijacking

[PrincessMommy]

thanks for the feedback ladies! it is made harder because she is following in my sister's footsteps of chronic physical and mental health issues - she has fibromyalgia, so she was working when the semester started, but got sick and had to quit. She was hospitalized for a suicide attempt 2.5 weeks ago . . . but is implying its living in our house thats making her like that. She made and then cancelled a counseling appointment. She also took a trip to a conference 2 weeks before that, hoping to get some proffesional contacts, but the trip went badly and she came back very sick, and was worried she couldnt finish the semester - she had all As but a B in stat.

 

Its hard because she's smart and motivated but keeps shooting herself in the foot and blaming me! and i just ache for her!

 

thanks again and sorry for a big of hijacking

 

 

 

Oh my goodness!! I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Suicide attempt is beyond scary and I can see why you are vaciliating about helping her or not. Stat is HARD. so getting a "B" is good!

 

Don't worry about the thread-jacking. I've done it too - it's okay. :grouphug:

[Georgiana Daniels]

 

Really? How do you like it when your parents or inlaw's "dole out advice freely"? I'm assuming that also means unasked for. I'm just curious. This is not something I'm comfortable with. Perhaps it's a family culture thing... but most of our extended family does not go around telling other members how to live (except one or two and it's not appreciated by the other members). Maybe your family dynamics work differently though.

 

We all talk freely with one another. I can't imagine any other way! If I see a close family member heading for a train wreck, I can't imagine not speaking up. Of course, this doesn't apply to every single family member I have, but my adult daughter? Absolutely! We talk and discuss much.

[LucyStoner]

I would make your baby and holiday gifts as generous as you can make them. It is easier to accept a big gift card with a note about paying for diapers or what not. And it doesn't put you in a spot of feeling like you are being asked all the time.

 

Childcare is rough to find and pay for in the financial situation you describe. I would see if there is anyway you can help them with that, if you are looking for something to help with.

 

As for those who say having a baby while in college is irresponsible. Maybe it is. But my husband and I were not willing to terminate my unplanned pregnancy at age 22. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans and all that. As it turned out we made it work but without childcare help from my family and a few very generous gifts from my MIL, it would have been quite difficult. I credit the help we received with helping keep us together and in school rather than dropping out.

[Reya]

If she's a PhD candidate who is earning money through an assistantship or fellowship, then I'm assuming that she chose a field that actually has jobs in it and isn't getting a PhD in gender studies. In this case, what SHE needs to do is wrap up her schooling ASAP and get industry jobs lined up. If she is attempting to go the postdoc route, that would be a reckless financial choice that, honestly, ends in a faculty position rarely, even if she gets a temporary position. Grad students are indentured servants, and faculty grab as many as they can afford. They're not actually graduating a number that is realistically employable in academia.

 

The best thing for you to do is make sure she has a carseat and crib--they can get everything else on freecycle--and childcare while she finishes her degree, if you have the resources. She needs to get her thesis done BEFORE the baby is born so that it can go through the review and defense process.

 

And however attached they are to his parents, they will need to move where she can get a job, period.

[Reya]

If she's a PhD candidate who is earning money through an assistantship or fellowship, then I'm assuming that she chose a field that actually has jobs in it and isn't getting a PhD in gender studies. In this case, what SHE needs to do is wrap up her schooling ASAP and get industry jobs lined up. If she is attempting to go the postdoc route, that would be a reckless financial choice that, honestly, ends in a faculty position rarely, even if she gets a temporary position. Grad students are indentured servants, and faculty grab as many as they can afford. They're not actually graduating a number that is realistically employable in academia.

 

The best thing for you to do is make sure she has a carseat and crib--they can get everything else on freecycle--and childcare while she finishes her degree, if you have the resources. She needs to get her thesis done BEFORE the baby is born so that it can go through the review and defense process.

 

And however attached they are to his parents, they will need to move where she can get a job, period.

[Reya]

If she's a PhD candidate who is earning money through an assistantship or fellowship, then I'm assuming that she chose a field that actually has jobs in it and isn't getting a PhD in gender studies. In this case, what SHE needs to do is wrap up her schooling ASAP and get industry jobs lined up. If she is attempting to go the postdoc route, that would be a reckless financial choice that, honestly, ends in a faculty position rarely, even if she gets a temporary position. Grad students are indentured servants, and faculty grab as many as they can afford. They're not actually graduating a number that is realistically employable in academia.

 

The best thing for you to do is make sure she has a carseat and crib--they can get everything else on freecycle--and childcare while she finishes her degree, if you have the resources. She needs to get her thesis done BEFORE the baby is born so that it can go through the review and defense process.

 

And however attached they are to his parents, they will need to move where she can get a job, period.

[Donna]

My children are not on their own yet but I would help them if they were working hard to improve their situation, living as much in their means as possible (meaning not buying things that are hugely expensive and not eating dinner out all the time, etc...), and especially if they did not expect me to help.

 

Working toward your PhD and husband working two jobs definitely falls into the category of working hard to improve your situation. Being pregnant happens and sometimes even when precautions against it are taken.

 

These are tough times we are living in right now and it is hard to find jobs that pay well. If my kids needed a hand to make things easier for them, I would help as much as would be comfortable for me. I would make it a gift rather than expecting re-payment...maybe buy stuff for the baby or help with maternity clothes or make a few of their bill payments for them.

[PrincessMommy]

My children are not on their own yet but I would help them if they were working hard to improve their situation, living as much in their means as possible (meaning not buying things that are hugely expensive and not eating dinner out all the time, etc...), and especially if they did not expect me to help.

 

Working toward your PhD and husband working two jobs definitely falls into the category of working hard to improve your situation. Being pregnant happens and sometimes even when precautions against it are taken.

 

These are tough times we are living in right now and it is hard to find jobs that pay well. If my kids needed a hand to make things easier for them, I would help as much as would be comfortable for me. I would make it a gift rather than expecting re-payment...maybe buy stuff for the baby or help with maternity clothes or make a few of their bill payments for them.

 

 

Thank you.

 

I'm sure they make some frivilous choices too. I don't know as I don't stand over them checking they're every purchase. But, overall they are working hard - helping their family (his parents) as they can, and just barely making it.

 

She is not planning to work on her post-doc. She is at a major medical school studying genetics. She really needs a Ph.D to get a decent job. We've always helped kids while they're in school...as long as they're working hard towards their degree. When she got this internship/scholarship working towards her Ph.D we kind of said "Yay! We don't have to pay for her schooling anymore!". Perhaps we need to rethink that attitude? Or at least look at it differently

 

Yeah, we don't want to be the constant source of a bailout or enablers. I was asking more about temporary help. I need to know how all that looks from a healthy perspective. All those ideas have been great.

[PrincessMommy]

If she's a PhD candidate who is earning money through an assistantship or fellowship, then I'm assuming that she chose a field that actually has jobs in it and isn't getting a PhD in gender studies. In this case, what SHE needs to do is wrap up her schooling ASAP and get industry jobs lined up. If she is attempting to go the postdoc route, that would be a reckless financial choice that, honestly, ends in a faculty position rarely, even if she gets a temporary position. Grad students are indentured servants, and faculty grab as many as they can afford. They're not actually graduating a number that is realistically employable in academia.

 

The best thing for you to do is make sure she has a carseat and crib--they can get everything else on freecycle--and childcare while she finishes her degree, if you have the resources. She needs to get her thesis done BEFORE the baby is born so that it can go through the review and defense process.

 

And however attached they are to his parents, they will need to move where she can get a job, period.

 

The jobs are in this area so that's partly why moving isn't really an option.. but I totally agree about living with his parents. I thought it was a mistake but they were saving some money (paying less rent than they otherwise would) while still helping his parents.

 

Her thesis was just accepted about 6months ago. It's in the BIO field and I seriouly doubt it can be done in less than 9months.

[Murphy101]

If she's a PhD candidate who is earning money through an assistantship or fellowship, then I'm assuming that she chose a field that actually has jobs in it and isn't getting a PhD in gender studies. In this case, what SHE needs to do is wrap up her schooling ASAP and get industry jobs lined up. If she is attempting to go the postdoc route, that would be a reckless financial choice that, honestly, ends in a faculty position rarely, even if she gets a temporary position. Grad students are indentured servants, and faculty grab as many as they can afford. They're not actually graduating a number that is realistically employable in academia.

 

Presuming this holds true for her, I would agree. That way she is set for finding new employment after baby is born.

 

 

The best thing for you to do is make sure she has a carseat and crib--they can get everything else on freecycle--and childcare while she finishes her degree, if you have the resources. She needs to get her thesis done BEFORE the baby is born so that it can go through the review and defense process.

 

I'd say a carseat and that's it. I'd buy a stroller before I'd get a crib, but that's us.

And childcare that grandma feels comfortable providing. (iow, you don't want to feel like you just adopted another kid, but you do want to help. :) )

 

And however attached they are to his parents, they will need to move where she can get a job, period.

 

I really strongly disagree. Family takes care of family. There is not an addendum of "unless I can get more money by not doing it". Familial sacrifice is a good thing when done right. (not martyrs, not enabling). If the opportunities they want mean moving, then I certainly understand that, but if they love his parents that's still a cost too. If his parents get sick or whatever, will they be able to afford to come visit and help out? Is he an only child or are there other siblings he can trust to check on ailing parents? And will the extra income make up the difference of familial help? Having a loving grandma to watch the kids removes a tremendous stress even if they are paying her. Will they end up with a much higher rent and still feel they need to send what they can to help the grandparents?

 

I would sit her down and ask some questions nicely. Is living with the in laws expected to continue long term? Is this because the in laws need someone living with them and or to save money for their own future or? I really have zero problem with either. I view it as a win win for both. The kids get a huge savings and the parents get a bit of help too. Fabulous.

 

But it would affect how I might help them. For example, if it's going to be long term, maybe the basement apartment can be fitted with a hotel type kitchenette to make life with a baby easier?

 

I'd invite daughter over for coffee and congratulate her on the baby. (How she got pregnant or whatever wouldn't be discussed. Sex causes babies, so it shouldn't be news to anyone that a married couple gets pregnant. And it's irrelevant once she is pregnant anyways.). I'd tell her I'm happy for them and want to know how they are doing and if there are any major worries going on. Maybe you'll decide to do nothing other than be someone she can talk and vent to. But that's sometimes what a new mom needs most anyways.

 

Really though I can't say what I'd do until I had that conversation with her.

[PrincessMommy]

I think temporary help would be much appreciated under the circumstances. And hey, if you help them now, you never know if you will ever need help. KWIM? I guess I missed the part about her going to school. That's a huge sacrifice, but I bet it will pay off.

 

so true.

[marbel]

thanks everyone for you imput.

 

As to Cat's (and other's question). He has 2 jobs. Neither pays well. She is a PhD candidate working in

I really like the attitude that family helps family, but know that having boundaries would be important. And, yes, I do have the younger kids to consider. Not so much that they would be jealous - but that they may have certain expectations and therefore perhaps not work as hard as they should to be independant. KWIM?

 

My older sister got a lot of financial help from our parents. She had a terrible marriage and they always had money problems (self-imposed, mostly). Until she died my mother was giving my (by-then-divorced) sister a lot of financial help.

 

I wouldn't say I ever had expectations that I didn't have to take care of myself. My sister was more needy than I was, that was the plain fact. I admit I did have some resentment, but that was because of the worry she caused my parents for 20+ years, and because she never expressed any regret or acknowledged that she had been "favored" (financially, I don't mean with more love) even after our mother died and I was handling our parents' estate, which included "selling" (for $0) my sister my share of the house my mother bought for my sister to live in.

 

So, I would say if you are worried about your younger kids, be upfront with them about what's going on - why you are loaning the money, etc. If the child you're helping develops an entitlement attitude, stop with the help.

 

My sister and I have an OK relationship today, by the way. Not great. But maybe it wouldn't have been great anyway. I don't have any resentment toward her, just sadness for the way her life turned out.

 

I realize the two situations are a lot different but I gave that background to relate to concern about expectations. Your daughter sounds nothing like my sister!

[CyndiLJ]

We are in a very different era, one in which none of us has ever quite experienced. Multi-generational living has taken a huge leap. In 1970, according to the Pew Foundation, 26 million Americans lived in multi-generational settings. Today that figure has almost doubled to 49 million. Income has not kept up with standard, non-frivolous and what used to be typical debts...average mortgage, a car payment, utilities, health insurance, etc. Just the basics now take up far more of our income than they used to. I am surprised more kids aren't having a hard time getting a start.

 

IF a child is working hard and making responsible choices, IF a child is not freely spending but is clearly trying to get on the path to financial stability, and IF you can afford it, I think it is actually wise to help in ways one can...either through low interest loans for school debts, down payments for starter homes, etc. Just giving money to make debts disappear? No, but offering help so they can then move forward with helping themselves? Sure.

 

Cindy

[OH_Homeschooler]

With the holidays coming, your gift can just be a check as big as you can afford. Maybe a few small token gifts, but nothing would be more appreciated than money. (Other than gifts for grandchildren, my parents have just been sending their adult children checks each Christmas. We don't mind! :) )

[Juniper]

I just wanted to say that I am very proud of your dd and sil. As another poster mentioned, multigenerational living is coming back into the mainstream and I am so glad it is!!! I am probably from a much younger generation than many on here, but I remember how much I loved the times my Grandparents lived with us. Right now, my grandmother lives with my mother and I wish I was there to help out and share in the experience.

 

I wish your children all the best!!!