A parenting vent/wwyd

[*********]

I'm irritated. To put it mildly.

 

Dss15 just posted something on facebook that is SO not appropriate. It is the lyrics to a song that A) I can't believe he listens to and B)He should at LEAST have known better than to post the lyrics, seeing as I'm on his friend list and would of course see the post.

 

So this demonstrates, IMO, that dss has very poor judgement.

 

And YES, the boy KNEW we would not approve of the song. When I asked him if he would like us all to sit down in the living room so that he could read his brothers the lyrics, he got a 'deer in the headlights' look and shook his head no. He never in a million years would be under the assumption that this sort of thing is acceptable to dh and I. It is SOO far from any sort of entertainment we allow in our home that it's not even funny.

 

Dh has not quite decided how to handle this.

 

I say we should take away internet access. Period. I'm telling you what, if this had been one of MY boys, maaaaaan would they be catching some grief from me; which would only *begin* with no internet access. I think my tongue is swollen from how hard I had to bite it to not lay into dss.

 

I'm disappointed in dss. And at the same time, dh and I ultimately have to answer for what dss does in our home. Which is why I say no internet access, except for school use, which would have to be done at the kitchen table.

 

Dh does not seem to agree. And since it's HIS son, my opinion holds little to no weight. Dh DOES parent dss differently than the little boys, because of the nature of their relationship (dss is only here part time, etc).

 

I'm frustrated, irritated, annoyed, disappointed, and sad.

 

I dunno. Maybe I just needed to vent.

[MomatHWTK]

Does your DH also monitor dss' Facebook account? I wonder if you might take a step back and unfriend him. If you aren't going to have any say in how his interactions there are handled, it might be better to leave it solely to DH? I think that's what I might do for my own sanity.

[AK_Mom4]

Maybe being a "deer in the headlights" for a few minutes will help him think for the next time? Learning what not to say (or post on facebook!) is an acquired skill. Just knowing that you called him on it may be enough for him to stop and think before he does it the next time.

 

At least you can hope...... :grouphug: Parenting teens is tricky - Step-parenting teens is even trickier.

[Freckles]

Sorry you're going through this. Is it possible that he really did forget you could see his posts? Sometimes I forget I have so many "friends" on FB. I feel like I'm only speaking to my core group. I'm not excusing his choice of song, but is he allowed a different standard at his mom's? He may have just forgotten where he was for a moment so to speak. This must be tough. I don't think banning the internet will do any good. It might only make matters worse. Maybe just a reminder that he is the example for his younger siblings, what's not allowed, etc... I wish I had better advice. If it makes you feel any better, my 13dd watched a rated R movie at a friends house today. She knows they are not okay. After a strong lecture on trust and decision making, my headache has finally settled to a slight throb. :grouphug:

[*********]

Does your DH also monitor dss' Facebook account? I wonder if you might take a step back and unfriend him. If you aren't going to have any say in how his interactions there are handled, it might be better to leave it solely to DH? I think that's what I might do for my own sanity.

 

Dh uses my facebook account. So yes, he sees dss's posts, too. I just happened to see it first.

 

Maybe being a "deer in the headlights" for a few minutes will help him think for the next time? Learning what not to say (or post on facebook!) is an acquired skill. Just knowing that you called him on it may be enough for him to stop and think before he does it the next time. At least you can hope...... :grouphug: Parenting teens is tricky - Step-parenting teens is even trickier.

 

You know, you're probably right. Dss is usually really good about respecting our rules despite not agreeing with them. Thanks for helping me remember that we all make bad choices sometimes. I just hope this helps him to actually avoid doing things like this, instead of just getting sneakier, you know? 'Cause as a teenager myself, a situation like this would only make me think 'Man, I gotta cover my tracks better next time'. Yeah, I guess I wasn't a very good kid. Hunh.

 

Sorry you're going through this. Is it possible that he really did forget you could see his posts? Sometimes I forget I have so many "friends" on FB. I feel like I'm only speaking to my core group. I'm not excusing his choice of song, but is he allowed a different standard at his mom's? He may have just forgotten where he was for a moment so to speak. This must be tough. I don't think banning the internet will do any good. It might only make matters worse. Maybe just a reminder that he is the example for his younger siblings, what's not allowed, etc... I wish I had better advice. If it makes you feel any better, my 13dd watched a rated R movie at a friends house today. She knows they are not okay. After a strong lecture on trust and decision making, my headache has finally settled to a slight throb. :grouphug:

 

No, he didn't forget dh and I could see; having me on his friends list and able to see all his posts was the compromise we made in allowing him fb access at our house. And yes, to say there are different standards at his mother's than at our house would be, um, an understatement. I realized that doesn't make life easier on dss. But I fully believe kids can learn to follow different rules depending on who's authority they're under at the time. Not to mention, having two households with different rules isn't anything new to dss; he's never known any different. I'd even go so far as to guess that MOST kids in the two household situation deal with that to at least some extent. I know I did as a kid.

[Freckles]

I was just trying to help. I've never lived under a two houshold situation. Best wishes

[Catwoman]

If this kid is at your house part-time, why does your opinion hold little to no weight??? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but that's just plain wrong.

[Laurie4b]

I'd be careful about coming down that hard (no internet) on a transgression like that. A talk from dh on implications of posting that type of thing and asking him to take it down seems to me to be consequences that fit the situation. Maybe a couple days of no internet, but I think too much more would be overkill.

[*********]

If this kid is at your house part-time, why does your opinion hold little to no weight??? :confused:

 

I'm sorry, but that's just plain wrong.

 

 

Yeeeeeeeah. I agree. But after 11 years, I've given up that fight.

[Anne in CA]

As a step parent myself I sympathize, but I do hope to cheer you up by reminding you, these are song lyrics, he didn't make them up himself, and it could be a lot worse. Some kids put HORRIBLE stuff on facebook. That said, your dh is not going to change and you are wise that you learned he will not. My dh had a very different standard for his first child than the ones we have together and she lived with us full time since she was four. Even if he lived with you all the time your dh would not want him disciplined by you. I do not know one divorced parent who allows their children to be disciplined by a step parent, or even a teacher or relative. There is a level of defensiveness that people seem to have about children who are from a prior marriage or relationship. The parents of such children usually cannot handle them being seen as less than perfect in someone else's eyes. I'm sure there are lots of exceptions, I just don't know any personally.

[LaxMom]

Hmmmm... I have an ex-husband with a wife, and I always thought that, at their house, they both made and enforced the rules for my eldest daughter. My husband certainly had full parental authority to enforce rules here. ("Had" only because she is an adult and makes and enforces her own rules now) My parents are divorced and my step-dad was always an equal parent in the mix (my dad never remarried) for me.

 

Honestly, ghastly as I know some songs/lyrics are, and how offensive *I* find them, and how explicit I am about our rules and the reasoning behind them, I also know that 15 year olds do not often connect those dots. They just don't. I don't know why.

 

Should there be consequences? Yes. There are consequences for every action or inaction, that's just a part of life. And hopefully a part that one learns and learns to vet and anticipate with age and whatever brain development hasn't happened yet in teens. But... My step-dad's favorite punishment was writing themes along the lines of explaining why I did whatever dumba$$ thing I did... and the only real answer was that it seemed like a good idea at the time. So, while I know this is offensive and frustrating, and I think there absolutely should be consequences, I can see where your husband is sort of pondering and tempering the response. Know what I mean?

[Unicorn.]

I would just call it a lack of judgement and have him delete it. Remind him to think before he posts. If you don't allow him to listen to that music, I would remind him of that too, but I wouldn't go overboard w/ any type of punishment if this is a first time offense.

[justamouse]

He's a kid. He screwed up.

 

Ask him to take it down and call it a day. It is not the end of the world, even adults show bad judgment.

[AKshanmar]

I agree with the "limited consequence" option. I would work his emotions a bit, a little guilt trip. Remind him that things he posts on fb are public. We once fired a employee over a post he made on FB, so it can have long term effects!

[Shawna in Texas]

I'm not sure if I can be helpful or not. I think people assume I'm permissive when I'm really not. DD and I have ongoing conversations about the stuff that she puts on the internet. I have access to her Facebook at any point. I've helped her set up lists because the only three rules I have are her dad and I are in all of her lists, no inappropriate personal pictures and absolutely no bullying or meanness (this has never ever been an issue, but since it's a non-negotiable, it's out there). I do remind her that just because she's put people into lists doesn't mean that her friend's parents can't see what she's posting, so she needs to be mindful there. As for song lyrics, it's not on my radar, but that doesn't mean she won't be judged by other parents who come across their kid's FB. She knows that not everyone has the same privacy settings, so she knows she has to be conscious of what she's putting out there.

[JeneralMom]

Facebook is going to be tricky as it is a "no man's land". If he posted the lyrics while in your care then I guess you can tell him to take them down, but he is also within his rights to repost them whie at his mom's. You have no control over the movies he watches with her, or the songs he listens to at her home, so I would assume the argument can be made that you cannot control what he posts there. Social media makes so mnay situations difficult.

[Mama Geek]

It really sounds like your dss is being brought up with 2 different sets of values. My guess is from what you have said is his mom would not have a problem with the music or with putting it on facebook. He is 15 years old and not that far off from being old enough to be on his own. He will pick the values he is going to follow sooner rather than later. When there isn't consistency in parenting it makes it much more difficult. Banning him from the internet long term over this isn't going to change his values. Banning him from the internet for a few days is going to tell him that he has to follow the rules in your house while he is there, which is probably the best you can do right now.

[Mandy in TN]

I started typing a post about step-parenting that I then decided it contained too much personal info and expressed opinions that would surely be slammed.

 

A. Since you have no vote, you should not now, not ever be on his FB page. It is crappy that you were put in that position. Your dh needs to set up a FB page for the purpose of monitoring this child.

 

B. This isn't that big of a deal. In the grand scheme of things with a 15yo, this is not a hill I would choose to die on. Pick your battles.

 

You called him out and made him think about it. Dh should ask that he take it down and explain to his son how others can see this- like his friend's parents who may be monitoring their accounts and this will certainly impact how they view him. Also,as a previous poster said in the future this is the sort of behavior that could lead to being fired. After this, just move on. You can't treat everything like a capital offense, because then he won't listen when you really need him to do so.

 

Mandy

[missmoe]

I would have your husband sit down with him and go over word for word what the song means. I've found that often times teens just don't know how explicit lyrics are. They understand the inappropriateness, but often don't know the specific meaning of each word. You can imagine how horrifying it will be to your teen son to have that experience!