Gymnastics dilemma

[a82allison]

My DD7 has been taking gymnastics for about a year and a half. She is just recreational, but was recently moved into the hour and half advanced recreational class. The coach for this class is also the coach of the Team girls Level 4. Here is the dilemma: My DD7 is a bit sensitive. She hasn't really taken to this new coach (she's been with her for 3 weeks now). She says the coach yells at her and keeps telling her "don't do it like that, do it like this" etc. etc., repeatedly (because DD is learning and doesn't get it right away). DD also says that she only said "good job" once to her. Okay, so my DD is more sensitive than I would like her to be. Her feelings get hurt too easily. I am not sure whether we should tough this out for awhile in hopes that DD grows tougher skin, or whether I pull her out. We were told when she was moved into the class that the coach was tough. I am sure that the coach is fine, although tough...but my DD is not taking her criticism the right way. She came out of class yesterday and cried on my shoulder and told me its too hard. It has caused my heart to hurt for her, and I'm not sure what the right response from me is. Pull her out?

 

Here's an example of what I observed with her class yesterday. There were 4 kids total in her class. One kid that is probably the top kid in the class (about DD's age), two younger girls probably 5 and 6yo, and DD. They were practicing round-off backhandsprings. None of them have this skill yet, but they are working on it. The older kid in the class was able to do the roundoff and go right into the backhandspring with a spotter, which is what the coach was looking for. DD and the other three girls could do the roundoff, but then would pause and regroup before going into the backhandspring. Their rebound from the roundoff did not immediately turn into a backhandspring, so they had a little extra jump in between. According to DD, the coach was only harping on DD about, "Round-off, straight into backhandspring!" and kept showing my DD she was disappointed when she wasn't able to do it yet. From what I can tell, my DD is much closer to actually doing it correctly than the other two younger girls. So in my mind, it would make perfect sense for the coach to be mostly harping at her only at that point, when she was so close to getting it. She knew that DD was *almost* there, so she was pushing her for it. The other two girls weren't quite at that point at that moment.

BUT..DD does not see that. I don't know how to get her to see that.. or even if I should try to explain that.

 

I don't know what to do. I want DD to enjoy gymnastics, not come out of class feeling bad. But I also want her to learn how to deal with criticism without getting so upset. I am okay with pulling her out, but I want to make sure I do it for the right reason. Is this a good reason? Or should I let this ride a little longer before making a decision?

[Tess in the Burbs]

my dd is on level 4 team this year and we too are learning how to deal with a coach that perhaps doesn't have the best approach for young girls. She pushes by yelling and at times it sounds like bullying. I know one girl left due to sensitivity issues and another one has been crying during practices this past week. It's a fine line for pushing and just being mean. And I think you have to consider the coach and your dd and if it's a good fit. It can't hurt to tell the coach she's sensitive and might respond better with encouragement.

 

No advice....I considered pulling dd out but she loves it and has learned to adjust. She comes home kinda mocking the coaches rants from that day, so I know she's learning how to discern this woman's personality, when to take it seriously/when not to take it seriously, and let the sensitivity go in the gym.

 

But if your dd really wants to stay you should talk to the coach. I found when I tried to talk more she would open up about things and I was able to better understand her side of things. I don't always agree but I am getting more from her side of the story now.

[Dmmetler]

Is it possible that the coach is focusing on your DD because she knows that DD is about ready for that skill, and the others aren't yet? I know there are definitely differences in what DD8's tumbling coach focuses on with different girls because of where they are-DD8 gets a lot more focus on not stopping and on connecting tumbling passes because skill-level wise, that's where she's working right now, while there are other kids who are working on more foundational skills, and kids who are more advanced than she is who are working on skills beyond that level.

[justLisa]

There is one coach that doesn't say good job practically ever. DD is one that usually is the example or gets it first. She still doesn't hear good job from that woman much. She means business. DD is good about criticism though. I tell her it's coach's job to teach the skills, and mom's job to give her a million hugs and kisses and "good jobs."

[MamaT]

Whether I pulled her or not would depend on a couple of things. First, how long will she have this coach? Just for this level? If so, I would probably stick it out. Also, what other competitive gyms are in your area? I would probably drop in and watch their team practice, especially how their coaches interact with the gymnasts.

 

Most kids (mine included - level 10) respond to a positive coach much better than a negative one who is always putting them down. I would not do that to my dd long term.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

par for the course with gymnastics. Coaches have to push for girls (or boys) to get over whatever mental block they have (and a mental block is not necessarily fear, it could be just bad habit like making a little jump between roundoff and back handspring). It's different than swim team, or soccer in that aspect.

 

Eventually the girl gets rewarded with success, and will build her self confidence quite a lot. And the problem you're seeing will go away.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Cleo is absolutely correct.

[Mommy22alyns]

I agree with Cleo too. IMO, if you plan to have your DD move to the competitive team, I'd start helping her adjust to that coach's methods. Sometimes Rebecca's head coach can be hard on them, but she completely understands why.

[Guest submarines]

I agree with Cleo too. IMO, if you plan to have your DD move to the competitive team, I'd start helping her adjust to that coach's methods. Sometimes Rebecca's head coach can be hard on them, but she completely understands why.

 

 

On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be on a competitive team and wants to continue with gymnastics as a fun physical activity, there's no need to subject her to this kind of coaching.

[Jennifer in MI]

 

On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be on a competitive team and wants to continue with gymnastics as a fun physical activity, there's no need to subject her to this kind of coaching.

 

 

I agree with this. My dd started rec gymnastics at 5. She was really, really good and they wanted her on the competitive team. Dd was absolutely not ready for the commitment. So, we held back and kept her on the pre-team. This year, at 6, she was ready for the team commitment. They wanted her at level 4. The level 4 coach at our gym is extremely tough. Meg wasn't ready for her. She tried a few of her practices and asked to quit.

 

I talked with the level three coach and she agreed to keep her at that level, but to work with her on the upper level skills. This has been wonderful for my dd! She has excelled and has all her level 4 skills, but will be competing in fun meets.

 

Just in the last month, she was again asked to move up to level 4 competitive. This time, SHE wanted to do it. She saw the reason that the coach coaches the way she does. And, she wants it.

 

So, OP - if your dd is not able to see how this coach could possibly be a good thing for her after a couple weeks, I'd pull back. See if there isn't another coach there who would be willing to work with her. Maybe, in time, she will see the advantage to the tougher coach. And, maybe not. But, at this age and this level, I'd take her lead.

[a82allison]

After reading the responses and thinking about this, I think I'm going to give this another couple of weeks. DD isn't sure right now whether she wants to become competitive. That's something I need to talk to her about for sure. I'm not sure if dd is truly in love with gymnastics, she definitely likes it...but I don't know if she likes it quite this much, you know? I do want her to be able to deal with criticism though, that is definitely a weakness for her...in all areas, not just gym. Wears her emotions on her sleeve.

[KungFuPanda]

My daughter moved from the homeschool class to a girls accelerated class the year she was 6-7. It was all good. She enjoyed it UNTIL the gym sold. The people that took it over were 'serious.' Dd went to class, got yelled at by this all-business Russian lady, and never went back.

 

DH took her that day. He said she held it together until class was over, then flew to him and begged to never, ever come back. Alrighty then. She ended up doing more dance at that point anyway :-). Our kids are just not tough enough to enjoy being yelled at. Oddly, I thrived under that sort of coaching, but it's not for everyone.

[Catwoman]

On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be on a competitive team and wants to continue with gymnastics as a fun physical activity, there's no need to subject her to this kind of coaching.

 

:iagree:

 

She's only 7. It's perfectly normal for a 7yo to get upset if the coach acts tough or disapproving of her or her abilities.

 

IMO, you should talk to the coach and let her know that you know she means well and that she's a good coach, but that your dd is quite sensitive, so you're hoping she can focus a bit more on the positives.

 

It seems as though certain coaches act as though every kid is in training for the next Olympics, while I'm sure the vast majority of kids just want to learn some gymnastics and have some fun. I think that, as a parent, you need to decide if gymnastics is going to be a serious thing, or if it's mainly for fun and exercise, and choose your gym and coach accordingly.

[Mommy22alyns]

 

On the other hand, if she doesn't want to be on a competitive team and wants to continue with gymnastics as a fun physical activity, there's no need to subject her to this kind of coaching.

 

 

Yes, absolutely. Sylvia would probably want to leave in this situation and I'd let her because she's just rec.

[PhotoGal]

If you want her to enjoy gymnastics (short or long-term), I would switch to a different coach or gym. There is no reason for a coach to yell. You see a lot of coaches out there yelling, and you also see a lot of kids quitting sports around middle school or even earlier.

 

I recommend the book "Raising Your Child to be a Champion in Athletics, Arts, and Academics" by Wayne Bryan (father of the Bryan brothers tennis pros). It really explains well how to develop a child's passion for something (by making it fun, etc.) so that they are motivated themselves. In the long term, you want your child to be good at something AND enjoy it.

[bolt.]

It disturbs me when children are subjected to "tough" coaching in a recreational setting. My personal concept of sport and activity strongly leans me against any kind of non-recreational sport experiences for children, but I'm not going to talk as if that's the only right way to deal with the kids-and-sports issue. However, this class is specifically designated to be recreational -- so it is what it is. That means that parents who choose that class have recreation, physical activity and personal satisfaction (as skills increase) as their goals. Anybody who is coaching that class should act as if they share (or at least respect) those goals. It is not 'recreational' to be pressured towards skill development to the point of tears.

 

The goal of a recreational class is not, "as many skills as possible, as soon as possible, because gymnasts have a short shelf life in the sphere of sporting." -- That's a competitive goal, and if you agree to that goal, then you agree to "tough" coaching, because "tough" coaching accomplishes that goal (and it might indeed be the only practical manner in which to accomplish that goal). A recreational class has different goals, and, therefore involves different activities and a different personal style. Yes, skills will be built up and encouraged, but with many 'I know you can do it' messages and little very little 'harping'

 

What I'm saying is that there is a goal mis-match between what you wanted to 'buy' for your daughter and the 'product' you are getting. You are getting a coach who thinks "recreational level 4" means "pre-competitive skill building" -- and that's not going to change in a few weeks. The coach will keep her philospohy and goals, unless something induces her to change them: so her style isn't likely to change.

 

If "recreation level 4" is the wrong name for this class, you need to decide if "pre-competitive" is what you want her spending her time on. If you do, that's fair enough, let her be pre-competitive and learn to cope. If you want her in a genuinely recreational environment, see if you can give your feedback and get the class shifted into focus with it's recreational claims... and if not, well, you're back to deciding "Pre-competitive, or something else? And what else is there? Is there a way to shift her to a genuinely recreational class? Here or somewhere else?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are you sure that the coach is actually yelling? I ask because I've seen sensitive kids (including my own) say that someone is yelling when all they are really doing is offering constructive criticism in a matter of fact voice.

[a82allison]

No, I'm not sure she is actually yelling. I can only see them, not hear them. And yes, dd could definitely be equating a very matter of fact voice with yelling. That's why I'm conflicted. You guys have given me a lot to think about. I'm pondering all my options and feelings about this right now. I am going to try to talk to her coach and then decide if this is a good fit for her or not. There are a couple ther gyms in town, too. So there are options, but i just don't know yet. :-/

[Catwoman]

Is gymnastics even a priority for your dd? Does she care whether or not she takes lessons? Would she prefer to try something else (or nothing else at all?)

[a82allison]

She likes gymnastics. A priority? No. She is very sporty. Loves soccer, which she plays when the season is in. She loved gymnastics until recently, but never a begging-for-more-classes type of thing. Dd has the capability to become very good at something she sticks with. She has voiced interest in eventually one day competing in gymnastics, but not head-over-heels you know? I don't really know if that would be expected of a seven year old though. At this point there has been no expectation of priorities...just enjoying the fun of it. But then this move was made to a more advanced class, which she is totally capable of...but with a tough coach. I don't know at this time, whether to push dd to stick it out, or even if she's interested in getting to the competitive level. That's what I need to figure out. My guess is that if dd says she wants to compete eventually, I need to get her to stay. But if she has no interest, move her or pull her out.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

The really competitive gymnasts that I know, including my own daughter, were driven from a young age to have more and more gymnastics. At age 4, dd knew Bela Karoly and wanted him as her coach! Financially we can't afford gymnastics anymore but dd is just as driven.

[Jennifer in MI]

She likes gymnastics. A priority? No. She is very sporty. Loves soccer, which she plays when the season is in. She loved gymnastics until recently, but never a begging-for-more-classes type of thing. Dd has the capability to become very good at something she sticks with. She has voiced interest in eventually one day competing in gymnastics, but not head-over-heels you know? I don't really know if that would be expected of a seven year old though. At this point there has been no expectation of priorities...just enjoying the fun of it. But then this move was made to a more advanced class, which she is totally capable of...but with a tough coach. I don't know at this time, whether to push dd to stick it out, or even if she's interested in getting to the competitive level. That's what I need to figure out. My guess is that if dd says she wants to compete eventually, I need to get her to stay. But if she has no interest, move her or pull her out.

 

That was my daughter last year too. It wasn't a priority. She liked it, but it was one of her many activities. She needed to have fun with it while working at it. The next level was not fun! If I had made her do it, and stick with the tougher coach at that age, she would have quit. So, we kept it fun. Now, my dd cannot get enough gymnastics. She is begging for more classes and has trained for four hours and begged to stay longer!

 

I believe that because of the hours required for gymnastics, the love truly has to come from the child. It isn't a once a week thing that the parent can encourage and push a little. I watch the girls at my dd's gym and they all live for it. Really - eat, breathe, and live for it.

 

Honestly. It sounds like your daughter may be better sticking with another coach. This coach is used to coaching at the competitive level right? Maybe it isn't the time for that right now. But, given a different coach, she may be ready, on her own.

[KungFuPanda]

Are you sure that the coach is actually yelling? I ask because I've seen sensitive kids (including my own) say that someone is yelling when all they are really doing is offering constructive criticism in a matter of fact voice.

 

Ha! Good point. I have one kids who accuses me of yelling if he doesn't like what I'm saying. I REALLY don't yell, he's just so sensitive to the slightest change in tone that he reads it as yelling. My sister heard an exchange between us over the weekend. She was stunned. She told him to be glad I was his mother and not her because she really does yell :-)

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

My own daughter (competitive till an approx. level 7, or 8 - system is different here) didn't like being pushed. She resisted at every step of the way, but each time she nailed a move she was truly beaming. I pointed out that it was the result of her being pushed. The kids in recreational never get to do that move that she just got. That's how she realized that there's a point to the pressure coaches put on gymnasts.

However, some coaches cross the line between pushing and abusing, or simply pushing too hard. And that's why I now have a diver instead of a gymnast. (not that there isn't any pushing in diving, naw... same thing same thing)

Sometimes, it takes a few successes before the child can see there's a point to the pressure.

[Mommy22alyns]

That was my daughter last year too. It wasn't a priority. She liked it, but it was one of her many activities. She needed to have fun with it while working at it. The next level was not fun! If I had made her do it, and stick with the tougher coach at that age, she would have quit. So, we kept it fun. Now, my dd cannot get enough gymnastics. She is begging for more classes and has trained for four hours and begged to stay longer!

 

I believe that because of the hours required for gymnastics, the love truly has to come from the child. It isn't a once a week thing that the parent can encourage and push a little. I watch the girls at my dd's gym and they all live for it. Really - eat, breathe, and live for it.

 

Honestly. It sounds like your daughter may be better sticking with another coach. This coach is used to coaching at the competitive level right? Maybe it isn't the time for that right now. But, given a different coach, she may be ready, on her own.

 

 

 

I agree. This sounds like Sylvia - she doesn't want to quit gymnastics, but she has no interest in being pushed too much. Rebecca, on the other hand, eats, sleeps, and breathes gymnastics. She went from 2 hours a week to 9-12 hours with excitement and enthusiasm. She doesn't even complain about conditioning!

[Tess in the Burbs]

 

 

I agree. This sounds like Sylvia - she doesn't want to quit gymnastics, but she has no interest in being pushed too much. Rebecca, on the other hand, eats, sleeps, and breathes gymnastics. She went from 2 hours a week to 9-12 hours with excitement and enthusiasm. She doesn't even complain about conditioning!

 

 

My dd too wanted more and more gymnastics. She didn't even mind no air in the gym this summer during 95+ high heat days. She just loves being in the gym and adjusted quickly to the negative coaching, accepting that it's just them pushing/wanting the best for them. When she gets a high five she knows she did REALLY well. But we did talk about the coaches and why they do what they do, and learning to just go with the flow and let the comments roll of her shoulders. The option of leaving the sport or dealing with the coach was a no brainer to her: stay.

[speedmom4]

My son is a level 5 gymnast. He almost quit when his coach was so negative. My son was very "busy" and had a hard time waiting for his turn and I agreed he should have been corrected but not in the way this particular coach handled it. When he moved up to team he got a new coach. What a difference it made. His coach is quite strict and has yelled at him for goofing off but he is very respectful and doesn't demoralize the gymnasts. He expects them to work hard and not to fool around. He also praises them when they deserve it.

 

My son does thrive under the pressure though. He loves the competitiveness of gymnastics. If he was a bit more sensitive I could not see him sticking with this sport for much longer. I think you have to have tough skin to stay in it for the long haul.

 

Elise in NC