Unacceptable music

[EthiopianFood]

We have had lots of discussions about differences in culture and how it's not exclusively a race-based thing. I have pointed out many examples of things in certain segments of white culture that I find unacceptable and would never emulate or lend my support to. I have talked to her about how there is not just one way to be black in America, just as how all the people in her home country (overwhelmingly black) did not all live, talk, and act the same way.

 

It took me many years to figure this out. I think it can be hard to remember this if they really only see one aspect of a culture. I'm sure she has to try on different things before she finds what works for her. Hopefully, this phase will be short-lived. I try to be very open-mined with cultural issues, but I am not okay with this word, or this type of often negative, hateful music.

[Spy Car]

Not for the 8 year old, but maybe some classic NWA when me and Lorenzo go rollin' in the benzo :D

 

Bill (hypocritical on this one :tongue_smilie:)

[somo_chickenlady]

I agree that the parents get to set the standard for the home, and for what will and won't be tolerated. I'm not a fan of the "my house, my rules" argument when it's an unreasonable "because I said so" thing. I do support it in terms of moral or ethical concerns, which this appears to be.

 

We haven't yet restricted any music for words or terms. Most of our music has warnings for explicit lyrics. We don't sing those words if the kids are around, but we don't censor them otherwise. Not true, I guess we used to turn the music down at certain spots in some songs when they were little little (under 5) if we listened to them at all in front of the kids. Mostly we saved certain bands for when the kids weren't around.

 

I don't contraband music with that word in my home just because of that word. What matters to me is more whether or not it was a culturally appropriated use of the word - if so, I allow it. I'd guess this is true of the music your kid wants. I suggest they limit who/when they listen to or share it, in terms of younger siblings or friends whose parents have different values. I think we own some responsibility in that regard. This is true of various genres and use of other inflammatory words, too.

 

Part of this is because we didn't know what words were bad when we moved to the US, so my parents let us listen to anything LOL.

 

:iagree:

 

We listen to a lot of music that has explicit lyrics in it, but that doesn't make it bad music. As this poster said, if that word is used in a culturally appropriate way, then I don't see a problem with it. Our son listens to it with us, and as much as he has heard it, he still knows that he is not allowed to cuss or use those words, because we have raised him not to. He'll actually do everything in his power NOT to cuss or use those words.

[Slartibartfast]

No way, no how, no negotiating.

[Jenny in Florida]

One of the parents feels that the word "n*gga" is ubiquitous in a popular style of teenage music and not worth trying to avoid/have child avoid (losing battle argument).

 

Ubiquitous use of that word? No stinkin' way. It wouldn't happen here.

 

That said, we're actually pretty liberal about music. Both of my kids are theatre nerds, and some of their favorite musical theatre soundtracks not only push limits but blow right past them. (Try listening to the lyrics from Hair sometime.) However, for me, there is a huge difference between a song that, within the context of a musical, is breaking barriers and making a point and one that is offensive for the sake of it and uses particular words often enough to desensitize listeners to the ugliness of them.

 

Neither of my kids would choose that second kind. And we'd be having serious conversations if they ever tried.

[Slartibartfast]

This is true. And the sad thing is, she was just telling me yesterday afternoon (before the Great Music Debacle) that these people are not really her friends; they are just her "school friends," people she is friendly with at school so that she's not, in her words, "a loner."

 

We have had lots of discussions about differences in culture and how it's not exclusively a race-based thing. I have pointed out many examples of things in certain segments of white culture that I find unacceptable and would never emulate or lend my support to. I have talked to her about how there is not just one way to be black in America, just as how all the people in her home country (overwhelmingly black) did not all live, talk, and act the same way.

 

Tara

 

That is hard. :(

 

While dd was still attending public school we were in a predominantly minority area. She comes home from kindergarten and addresses her dad with, "What's up n*****?" We were FLOORED.

 

We knew she didn't mean she was addressing her father with a slur, but that she was trying out a new friendly greeting she learned at school.

 

We did have to have a long discussion about what is and is not acceptable speech.

 

I am actually pretty Liberal as far as music is concerned but I also have a line.

[Susann]

At the ripe old age of 32, I too am an old fogey. Music that contains lyrics with the n-word is not allowed in this house. Period.

:iagree:

[katilac]

Reading back over the posts, and I wonder about something.

 

Some people don't like the idea of "my house, my rules". Personally, I think every parent has a right to enforce what is and is not ok in their home. There is no way I would let another adult that was visiting my home play that music here. Why should I let my teen, who is still living here, behave any differently?

 

I think most people were responding to the original post, which did not state that the teen in question was playing the music where others could hear. ime, teens almost always listen to music on earphones - I've never had to yell, as my parents did, 'turn down that noise!'

 

I would not let an adult visitor to my home play objectional music over the speakers, but I wouldn't react to them listening via earphones (even if I chanced to walk by and see a title on the computer, for example).

 

Just my opinion, but, if an older teen was sitting in the living with young kids blaring this music, I would strongly suspect it had nothing to do with music, and everything to do with raising mom's blood pressure.

[CheerioKid]

We listened to country and "top 40" 70's/80's/90's mix stations for years...then in 2008 (my oldest was 10), for several reasons I won't go into, we started re-considering everything we watched and listened to, and nitpicking with a fine toothed comb. We cancelled cable TV and started listening to only family-friendly "Christian" radio. We kept Netflix, but strictly supervised the kids.

 

My guideline for music and lyrics is this: If I would feel uncomfortable reading the lyrics aloud to my children, then we don't listen to it. They were pretty young when the rule was established, and the "why" is explained well and often. They love it and rarely ask to listen to anything else. Occasionally we will listen to country or mix, but it never lasts long...I am VERY aware of the lyrics, and change the station if I feel something is inappropriate. I feel like it is my responsibility to let my kids be kids....they all grow up too fast.

 

eta: I went back and read some of the replies from the OP...I think my guideline is probably somewhat unreasonable in your situation, unless you are Christian and have other reasons beside just not wanting her to say the N word. Unless it REALLY matters to you deep down inside, as another poster said, not a hill to die on.

Edited November 12, 2012 by CheerioKid

[AKshanmar]

Beyond unacceptable here. Our policy is that a teen may listen to any music that I don't pay for on their headphones and have privacy, but music played out loud for everyone may not contain ANY form of profanity. And yes, that word IS profanity.

 

I agree with Anne! I don't want to hear it. They can listen to whatever they want in their vehicles. But i'm going to nag their ear off if I hear it. This is where my rule when they were little comes back to haunt me: I used to say the driver gets to pick what is on the radio.... Ok, now I have to rephrase that when I am riding in their car, for which they paid, because I'm still not going to listen to that.

[Joanne]

I think most people were responding to the original post, which did not state that the teen in question was playing the music where others could hear. ime, teens almost always listen to music on earphones - I've never had to yell, as my parents did, 'turn down that noise!' I would not let an adult visitor to my home play objectional music over the speakers, but I wouldn't react to them listening via earphones (even if I chanced to walk by and see a title on the computer, for example).

 

Just my opinion, but, if an older teen was sitting in the living with young kids blaring this music, I would strongly suspect it had nothing to do with music, and everything to do with raising mom's blood pressure.

 

This. My posts assume that the music choice was kept private, and not available for family ears.

 

If littles were around, or I didn't like the sound, I *would* ask a teen to take their music elsewhere, and if they don't, the music and setting that provides the music would be impoverished.

[Dustybug]

Unacceptable.

[Shawna in Texas]

Yeah when I was a teen I liked to freak my parents out with 2 Live Crew. :tongue_smilie:

 

Gosh, I still have 2 Live Crew and NWA on cassettes...somewhere. My mom didn't really bat an eye at those, probably because she blocked it out. Prince on the other hand positively scandalized her.

[Shawna in Texas]

LOL. For awhile I don't think my parents realized what I was listening to.

 

Prince was one of the first records I bought and I saw Purple Rain like 10 times. Kinda crazy looking back, but my parents didn't freak about that.

 

Then again my dad's idea of good/interesting music was King Crimson so...

 

It was his Diamonds and Pearls album that made mom reevaluate my musical choices. By then she knew it was futile to stop me. :D

 

Mom was always so innocent. When dad used to sing Guns 'n Roses' I used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her, she thought he was being sweet. They're divorced now.

Edited November 12, 2012 by Shawna in Texas

[nd293]

I don't accept the losing battle argument. If we don't fight, losing is a foregone conclusion. In my house, we'll continue to fight the good fight over this sort of issue...

[Haiku]

because we have raised him not to.

 

Neither of my kids would choose that second kind. And we'd be having serious conversations if they ever tried.

 

See, the thing is, we have not raised our daughter with the idea that this kind of music/speech is acceptable, and she still chooses it anyway. It's not really a matter of, "Well, we raised her right, so of course she never chooses things we don't agree with." And we do talk about our values and why we hold them. And she listens (kind-of) and goes right on with whatever it is that we don't approve of. We have raised all our kids in a home where talk of values is frequent.

 

And to clarify ... I'm not talking about one or two songs that use the word n*gga in some empowering, thought-provoking way. I'm talking about stations on Pandora where the word is used frequently merely as a noun describing someone or someones. Akin, as was previously mentioned, to calling someone "dude" or "guy."

 

It does sicken me that my kid thinks this is ok. It bothers me that much.

 

Tara

Edited November 12, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[katilac]

See, the thing is, we have not raised our daughter with the idea that this kind of music/speech is acceptable, and she still chooses it anyway. It's not really a matter of, "Well, we raised her right, so of course she never chooses things we don't agree with." And we do talk about our values and why we hold them. And she listens (kind-of) and goes right on with whatever it is that we don't approve of. We have raised all our kids in a home where talk of values is frequent. <snip> Tara

 

Yep. Just because someone's offspring does something, doesn't mean they were raised that way.

[Impish]

That is never an acceptable word in my home, no matter the source of the utterance.

:iagree:

[Jenny in Florida]

See, the thing is, we have not raised our daughter with the idea that this kind of music/speech is acceptable, and she still chooses it anyway. It's not really a matter of, "Well, we raised her right, so of course she never chooses things we don't agree with." And we do talk about our values and why we hold them. And she listens (kind-of) and goes right on with whatever it is that we don't approve of. We have raised all our kids in a home where talk of values is frequent.

 

And to clarify ... I'm not talking about one or two songs that use the word n*gga in some empowering, thought-provoking way. I'm talking about stations on Pandora where the word is used frequently merely as a noun describing someone or someones. Akin, as was previously mentioned, to calling someone "dude" or "guy."

 

It does sicken me that my kid thinks this is ok. It bothers me that much.

 

Tara

 

I'm sorry, Tara. I hope you "know" me well enough to get that I wasn't in any way attempting to attack your parenting. I absolutely get that our kids make choices we sometimes wish they wouldn't, and it doesn't mean we did anything wrong. It means our kids are independent human beings with minds of their own.

 

My comment was more just acknowledging that my opinions about what I would do or how I would handle this kind of situation were hypothetical, because this particular battle isn't one I'm likely to encounter with my kids.

 

I apologize if I wasn't clear about that or if my comments were hurtful in any way. It wasn't my intention, at all.

 

That said, although music wouldn't be the problem here, I will say that, if one of my kids was doing something I thought was outright wrong or unnaceptable, I think I'd take the same general approach. I would tell her exactly what you said, that I am sickened by her choice in this regard, that it bothers me that much, and that I need her not to listen to this kind of music in my home. Period.

 

I'd remind her that she'll be out on her own before she knows it, that I sincerely hope that she will come around to closer agreement with me on this topic eventually, because I will have difficulty respecting her choices if she doesn't, but that they will be her choices once she had made the transition to adulthood by non-chronological measures. When she is living in her own space, supporting herself and taking responsibility for her life, she'll have earned more freedom in these things. She should realize that her choice to listen to this kind of music will still be hurtful to me (and her brother?), that other people may make assumptions about her beliefs and her character if she continues to listen in a public way. But, ultimately, it's just music and just a word, and it will be her own choice.

 

Meanwhile, I have a right to say no to materials and choices in my home if they violate my own morals and beliefs.

 

I'd remind her I love her and give her a hug and try and get on with our lives, hoping that's an end to it for now.

[Parrothead]

Your dd is in a tough place. I hope she comes out the other side of it healthy.

 

As for the original question, no. I wouldn't allow what I thought of as inappropriate lyrics in my house where little kids can hear them. I've spent the last 14 years skipping one particular song on my Buffett CDs. And when I bought dd the music book of his greatest hits so she could learn to play her favorites on her guitar, I taped together the pages that have that one song.

 

Call me an old fuddy duddy. I don't care.

[TranquilMind]

There is a disagreement in our home about acceptable music for teenagers to listen to. One of the parents feels that the word "n*gga" is ubiquitous in a popular style of teenage music and not worth trying to avoid/have child avoid (losing battle argument). The other parent feels that it's our home and we get to set the standard for what is or is not acceptable therein (my house, my rules argument). During an argument about it, one of the parents was accused of being an old fogey.

 

Opinions?

 

Tara

 

Fellow old fogey weighing in. Cursing or derogatory language is not permitted in our home. I can't control what they listen to elsewhere but they don't do it here. There are reasonable rules in this house that they are free to relax in their own house later.

[TranquilMind]

See, the thing is, we have not raised our daughter with the idea that this kind of music/speech is acceptable, and she still chooses it anyway. It's not really a matter of, "Well, we raised her right, so of course she never chooses things we don't agree with." And we do talk about our values and why we hold them. And she listens (kind-of) and goes right on with whatever it is that we don't approve of. We have raised all our kids in a home where talk of values is frequent.

 

And to clarify ... I'm not talking about one or two songs that use the word n*gga in some empowering, thought-provoking way. I'm talking about stations on Pandora where the word is used frequently merely as a noun describing someone or someones. Akin, as was previously mentioned, to calling someone "dude" or "guy."

 

It does sicken me that my kid thinks this is ok. It bothers me that much.

 

Tara

 

Have a conversation about why you come it the way you do, including incidents from your past if you have any. Sometimes, when they understand the reason you react to things - which they can do as they get older - they get it or at least respect it a little bit.

 

I had a friend whose brother was killed in a car accident involving alcohol. I have never met anyone who harps on not drinking as much as she does, but her kids know why, so they listen.

 

Anyway, I totally get you about the fact that you haven't raised her this way but she is making choices that aren't acceptable to you. BTDT. Actually ATDT (am there, done that).

 

But - I have to share this amazing thing that encouraged me SO much! My friend's 19 year old daughter went off the rails at about 13 and it got pretty bad for awhile (police incidents, etc). These are Christian, homeschooling parents who really did try to do everything right (though no one actually does!). Anyway, the other night her daughter posted on Facebook about how important it was that one work hard for what he wants, that parents not give them everything, etc. It sounded like her parents talking. Now that she is older and has a job, she is starting to understand things in a new way. There is hope!