Is this normal tantrum behavior?

[Aspasia]

My DS is 29 months old. He has been an absolute nightmare for several months now. Every single time he doesn't get what he wants, he pitches an over-the-top tantrum: high pitched screaming, hitting, rolling around on the floor, throwing things. And it lasts a good twenty minutes or more, several times a day. My approach is to just ignore it and let it run its course, but lately the object throwing is becoming a bit too much to ignore. And it seems like the length of these episodes is excessive. Dd definitely went through a tantrum phase, and it was maddening, but her tantrums were nothing like this in intensity or length. Is this normal or is there something else going on here?

[Renee in NC]

I have had two that were like that. I won't generalize and say if it was normal or not - I don't have a good frame of reference.

 

For *my* two, it was a symptom of their ADHD.

[Pegasus]

I'm not really sure because kids are so different. How is his behavior outside of the temper fits? If he is well behaved when he is not having a melt down, I'd probably still consider it normal and just try to minimize the damage he can do to himself and your possessions during a tantrum.

[Cassy]

DS8 used to tantrum in the way you describe, and like yourself I would tend to largely ignore it. At times if it really upset me I would lock myself in the kitchen while he hammered on the door. When it got to the point where he was so out of control he couldn't stop himself I would pick him up and just hold him; more often than not he would then just collapse sobbing in my arms, all the fight gone out of him. He'd mostly grown out of it by the time he was three-and-a-half and is now a gentle, sunny soul, just occasionally a tad stubborn :001_smile:.

[Aspasia]

I'm not really sure because kids are so different. How is his behavior outside of the temper fits? If he is well behaved when he is not having a melt down, I'd probably still consider it normal and just try to minimize the damage he can do to himself and your possessions during a tantrum.

 

Interesting. I never thought of looking at it that way. Outside of his fits, he is irresistibly adorable. Super cute and even agreeable. That's the only reason we've kept him this long.

[Joanne]

I would say that the intensity, duration, and frequency of the tantrums speak to "something else". I'd get a medical evaluation to start.

 

This may seem implausible because the tantrums seem situation-triggered, but another possibility is environmental allergy and/or food allergy (for food, I'd start with dairy or dye).

[Aspasia]

Yeah, I'm definitely going to bring it up at his 30-month appointment. If nothing else, I could at least use some tips for coping.

[mom4him]

I would say that the intensity, duration, and frequency of the tantrums speak to "something else". I'd get a medical evaluation to start.

 

This may seem implausible because the tantrums seem situation-triggered, but another possibility is environmental allergy and/or food allergy (for food, I'd start with dairy or dye).

 

:iagree: My ds started raging at about 2 1/2 yrs. Like yours it seemed the word 'no' was the trigger but it was much deeper than that. We have since gone on a dye free, preservative free, gluten/corn/soy/mostly dairy free diet and highly control what he is exposed to in the environment. I soon discovered that non toxic did not include someone that is sensitive to the ingredients.:tongue_smilie: We also have and do use a Chiropractor that does NAET treatment. These have been very healing.

[FairProspects]

My younger ds was/is like that. For him, there are no diagnoses but it was just indicative of his strong will. He is going to be some kind of salesman someday because he just does not take no for an answer!

[Unicorn.]

Don't ignore. Pick him up and put him in his room. Tell him no to that kind of behavior. My dd was like that. All the books said to ignore the behavior. Big Mistake. Just keep putting him in his room, or a playpen, or some other "time out" spot, but let him know you aren't going to tolerate it. She is AD/HD btw.

[Aspasia]

Don't ignore. Pick him up and put him in his room. Tell him no to that kind of behavior. My dd was like that. All the books said to ignore the behavior. Big Mistake. Just keep putting him in his room, or a playpen, or some other "time out" spot, but let him know you aren't going to tolerate it. She is AD/HD btw.

 

Recently we have started putting him in is room, just because the screaming is so bad. And of course he just bolts right back out of said room. I honestly don't understand that kind of defiance. We've always had structure and routine and boundaries. Compliance has always been the expectation. I just feel so confused, frustrated, and desperate.

[LittleIzumi]

Recently we have started putting him in is room, just because the screaming is so bad. And of course he just bolts right back out of said room. I honestly don't understand that kind of defiance. We've always had structure and routine and boundaries. Compliance has always been the expectation. I just feel so confused, frustrated, and desperate.

 

When we had to isolate The Drama when she was little and had huge tantrums and would lash out physically, I had to hold her door shut. After a while she would stay in, mostly. She was in Early Intervention and taken off red dye, and she's fine now.

[Joanne]

Don't ignore. Pick him up and put him in his room. Tell him no to that kind of behavior. My dd was like that. All the books said to ignore the behavior. Big Mistake. Just keep putting him in his room, or a playpen, or some other "time out" spot, but let him know you aren't going to tolerate it. She is AD/HD btw.

 

Here's the thing, though. The frequency, intensity, and duration of these tantrums are not within expected (normal) bounds. While isolating tantruming children is one viable response, it should not be used without seeking answers to the origin of the problem.

 

It's very possible that the origin of problems like this are not a strong will or parenting but organic (giftedness, ocd, anxiety, food allergies, environmental allergies).

[LittleIzumi]

Here's the thing, though. The frequency, intensity, and duration of these tantrums are not within expected (normal) bounds. While isolating tantruming children is one viable response, it should not be used without seeking answers to the origin of the problem.

 

It's very possible that the origin of problems like this are not a strong will or parenting but organic (giftedness, ocd, anxiety, food allergies, environmental allergies).

 

True. Dd's were worse but she WAS in Early Intervention for a reason ;) and red dye 40 was a huge trigger.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I wanted to post that yes, this can be perfectly normal tantrum behavior. There is a range of normal behavior and there are kids at either extreme. That doesn't mean there might not be some other cause, allergies, illness, adhd or other related issues. Bring it up to your doctor next visit and go from there. As long as your child is safe, ignoring the tantrum is okay.

[Amy in NH]

When we had to isolate The Drama when she was little and had huge tantrums and would lash out physically, I had to hold her door shut.

 

:iagree: They do outgrow it eventually.

[Unicorn.]

Here's the thing, though. The frequency, intensity, and duration of these tantrums are not within expected (normal) bounds. While isolating tantruming children is one viable response, it should not be used without seeking answers to the origin of the problem.

 

It's very possible that the origin of problems like this are not a strong will or parenting but organic (giftedness, ocd, anxiety, food allergies, environmental allergies).

 

True. And I do think there were some underlying causes, such as a sleep disorder that wasn't diagnosed until she was 11. But ignoring her was the wrong thing to do. For kids like her, (strong-willed) ignoring her made her think she was getting away w/ something. Sorry, I did not mean to suggest that the OP not look for medical advice and underlying cause. Just trying to address one side of it.

[Murmer]

Another vote for not normal...my dd was a rager. We had daily hour plus violent rages over everything. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and Epilepsy...and the raging stopped within 1 week of increasing the epilepsy med. It was a miracle in our family. I found that I had to push and push to get someone to take me seriously though so be ready for that but as soon as a medical professional saw the behavior they realized that it was outside the norm. Good luck it is hard to mother a child who rages.

[Cricket]

My now 9yo dd was like that between ages 2 and 3. At first I tried ignoring tantrums or putting her in her room. I made the decision to hold her during tantrums because I felt like I was always pushing her away. I remember sitting and holding her for over an hour during one tantrum while I cried and cried too.

 

One clue to us was that she also had a couple of unexplained fevers as an infant and toddler. Turned out she had recurring kidney infections and problems with her kidneys draining. The poor girl was probably in pain long before symptoms of the infections showed up. I was so thankful to find out what was wrong and get it fixed! Definitely mention it at the next doctor visit. You might also keep a journal too so you can notice if there is any connection with certain foods or environments.

[myfatherslily]

My 4yo son can be pretty intense at times, and was at that age, too. "Time outs" are the only thing, once he gets out of control, that save our sanity (and literally protect us and the house from hitting and throwing). I don't mean isolation, though. When he was littler, I kept a pack n play in our livingroom, right next to the kitchen. I would him in there until he calmed down. Now that he's older, I make him sit in a chair right next to me (while I'mmaking supper or whatever), pulled away from the table so he can't reach anything. He's not allowed to get up until he has chilled. Eventually the switch just flips and he's charming. Yes, sometimes this takes 20 minutes, though usually more like 10. I'm also trying to figure out if there's a specific cause, but this helps a lot in the mean time.

Edited September 30, 2012 by myfatherslily

[Tiramisu]

I agree with all the pp's that there very well could be a physical cause. Unfortunately, I found that many pediatricians attribute meltdowns, tantrums, whatever, to poor parenting. Don't let it get to you if they do. You may have to be insistent about getting the help you need.

 

Once when I took my then 3 yo to the pediatrician, I was asked if there was a family history of anxiety and depression. No medical cause was ever investigated and they only reluctantly looked over her body before giving me the number of a pediatric psychiatrist. She was my most even tempered, well-behaved child, besides the fact that anything touching her skin would irritate her to no end. She was much later diagnosed with SPD and, years after that, a spinal disorder. We don't know exactly how the two are related but the SPD improved significantly after her spine was repaired. I think if I had been with a different pediatric group, we may have got answers sooner.

 

She also seems to have blood sugar ups and downs that no one took seriously either.

 

If you don't get satisfaction from your pediatrician as to whether there's a physical or behavioral cause, find someone who will listen.

[walkermamaof4]

I'd remove all processed foods and dyes and see if things improve. This is super hard, but was a healthy move for our whole family so we all did it. When our child shows certain behaviors, we go on the hunt for the culprit and always, always find wrappers from some candy that child got from a neighbor or somewhere. Once this child ate all of our cough drops!!! I didn't think to eliminate them. But, we all knew before finding the wrappers that this child had eaten something. It is almost unreal how it affects this child's behavior. Since then we have also eliminated gluten, dairy, and for this one we had to eliminate eggs. Total bummer. The rest of us are fine with eggs. But we've all mostly eliminated the rest.

[gardenmom5]

Is he getting enough sleep? Is he sensitive to some food he is eating? those are things that can lower ability to handle frustration, leading to more tantrums. my son was insomniac, and between adding melatonin for sleeping and withdrawing nitrates/nitrites, it helped tremendously.

 

Are you talking to him, during quiet times, about how we express frustration appropriately?