Is There A Way (MIL Issue)

[Impish]

W/the letter situation, I feel like it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Yes, the letter itself was basically a load of nonsense at first glance. Then we realized, in talking it over, it was yet another attempt to cause trouble btwn us. First, w/her demand that I steal it, throw it out unopened, not tell Wolf it arrived, or lie about it if he asked. Then, the letter itself accuses me of blocking her email, full of false apologies, begging for forgiveness (although a) I didn't block her email, she was putting my addy in wrong, and b) her saying she didn't know what she did to cause me to block her email) blah blah blah.

 

I'm genuinely sick and tired of this carp. I don't want anything more to do w/her, I want off the crazy train she's conducting.

 

My only consideration is my dh's feelings.

 

As it is, I rarely talk to her on the phone. When I do, it's as a favour to him, to get her off his back from the incessant whining of 'Why doesn't Imp ever answer the phone, I never get to talk to her...' or sometimes just to give him a break when she won't quit calling over and over again...which is honestly not b/c she wants to talk to him, but trying to catch me.

 

How can I be supportive of my dh, and yet go completely no contact w/MIL? Is it even really possible?

 

As mentioned in the npd ? thread, cutting off an N tends to result in escalating behaviour...and Wolf isn't ready to cut her off, so he'd absolutely be caught in the middle.

 

I'm stuck, aren't I. I cut her off completely, she's going to amp up her behaviours, and make him nuts. Which will likely cause him to resent me for the increased stress and chaos.

 

I really, really just want to be done. I just don't see how, w/out it negatively impacting my marriage.

[freeindeed]

:grouphug:

I am sorry. I wish I had great advice about how to cut ties with her without it affecting your marriage, but I don't. You are in a very difficult position. I hope someone can give you some helpful insight.

[RanchGirl]

I don't think it's right, or healthy, for YOU to have to run interference between him and his mother. If he wants to sign up for this level of crazy, that's his prerogative, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it. You can't fix her, and you can't lessen her impact on him. Only he can decrease her impact on him, when/if he chooses to.

[Susan C.]

Can you pretend it never happened and just carry on? It is just more of the same old stuff, and it gets the same response from you. I do know easier said than done.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

I don't think it's right, or healthy, for YOU to have to run interference between him and his mother. If he wants to sign up for this level of crazy, that's his prerogative, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it. You can't fix her, and you can't lessen her impact on him. Only he can decrease her impact on him, when/if he chooses to.

:iagree:

Is there a way to express this to him, let him know you are at the end of your rope but also let him know your concerns. I don't know everything going on here but have seen some here and there to understand she is lulu. Why can he not cut her off completely?

[*Jessica*]

I don't think it's right, or healthy, for YOU to have to run interference between him and his mother. If he wants to sign up for this level of crazy, that's his prerogative, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it. You can't fix her, and you can't lessen her impact on him. Only he can decrease her impact on him, when/if he chooses to.

:iagree:

[Impish]

I just feel done.

I don't want to talk to her on the phone, listen to her vm, read her emails, or go through another stunt of hers (which WILL happen, sooner or later). I don't want to even HEAR about her. I just want to cease to exist for her, and her for me.

 

Wolf struggles in dealing w/her, but the idea of going no contact makes him feel incredibly guilty. I feel like if I refuse to support him by refusing to have anything more to do w/her, he's going to feel...abandoned? by me. 'Abandoned' may not be quite the term I'm looking for, but it's close enough.

 

I've always said to my husband that he needs to do whatever it is that makes him ok w/the man in the mirror each am.

 

I just don't want to do this anymore.

 

But, at the same time...'for better or for worse', right?

[marbel]

This may be one of those things you do for your husband, even though it's so hard.

 

I don't know you, and I only heard of NPD via this board. I don't know all the background but I have read some of your stories. I feel for your family. If he is not ready to give up on his mother, he needs your love and support to help him in dealing with her.

 

Your love for your husband shines through in all your posts. Your love will lead you to do the right things to help him.

[LaxMom]

No, honey, I don't think so. :grouphug:

 

The only way you're going to cut her out and not have him feel abandoned (and I think that is the correct word), is if he is on board, knows the escalation that will result, and is willing to take the hit.

 

It's hard. And I don't think (as all things N related) there is a good answer as long as she has an inroad.

[PrincessMommy]

:iagree:

Is there a way to express this to him, let him know you are at the end of your rope but also let him know your concerns. I don't know everything going on here but have seen some here and there to understand she is lulu. Why can he not cut her off completely?

 

I agree with this too. I think you should talk with him... work as a team. You two seem to work so well together, I'm sure you can come up with something workable.

[Catwoman]

Imp, I think you need to tell him exactly what you've just told us.

 

You're only looking at the impact on your marriage if Wolf gets upset. You're forgetting the other half of the equation -- what about the impact on your marriage if you're a wreck because you feel trapped into dealing with your MIL?

 

I know you want to be supportive of Wolf, and I know he's a great husband, but your feelings matter, too, and I don't think you need to bury them and suck it up with Wolf's mom in order to protect his feelings. I think you need to figure out what will work for both of you, so neither of you feels abandoned or hurt, and you can't decide that on your own. You need to have a serious discussion with Wolf about it, and come up with some sort of a solution -- perhaps setting some sort of "minimum level of contact" that will appease Wolf's guilt, without letting his mother invade your lives on a regular basis.

 

I know you guys can work this out, because Wolf realizes his mom has serious issues -- it's not like he is sticking his head in the sand and saying she's fine and you're the one who's being mean. He knows you've done everything possible to keep the peace, and I'm sure he knows that you'd have cut her off completely a long time ago, if it wasn't for his need to maintain a relationship with her, so I don't think it would be at all unreasonable for you to lay it all on the line and let him know that this time, you are really and truly at the point where you can't deal with her any more, but that you have to know what he needs to happen, as well, so you can come up with a compromise.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Hockey Mom]

I just feel done.

I don't want to talk to her on the phone, listen to her vm, read her emails, or go through another stunt of hers (which WILL happen, sooner or later). I don't want to even HEAR about her. I just want to cease to exist for her, and her for me.

 

Wolf struggles in dealing w/her, but the idea of going no contact makes him feel incredibly guilty. I feel like if I refuse to support him by refusing to have anything more to do w/her, he's going to feel...abandoned? by me. 'Abandoned' may not be quite the term I'm looking for, but it's close enough.

 

I've always said to my husband that he needs to do whatever it is that makes him ok w/the man in the mirror each am.

 

I just don't want to do this anymore.

 

But, at the same time...'for better or for worse', right?

 

My sister has contact with my NPD mom still. What works for us, is to not bring her up. Granted, she's my sister and not my Dh, but I ever since I sat her down and told her what the boundaries would be, she has respected them (somewhat). She has tried to vent to me about some new stunt my mother has pulled with her, and I just cut her off at the pass. I let her know that I'm not going to discuss our mother with her. That she knows what my advice would be, and sister isn't ready to take that step.

 

Perhaps a blunt conversation with your Dh would help? Just tell him that you're done. You don't want to know anything about her life from this point forward. You don't even want to hear her name. Tell him what it's doing to YOU having her in YOUR life. You're not asking him to cut off contact, but you don't want anything else to do with her.

[Impish]

No, honey, I don't think so. :grouphug:

 

The only way you're going to cut her out and not have him feel abandoned (and I think that is the correct word), is if he is on board, knows the escalation that will result, and is willing to take the hit.

 

It's hard. And I don't think (as all things N related) there is a good answer as long as she has an inroad.

considering all the other carp going on right now, looking for work, etc, no, there's no way he's in any shape to deal w/her escalating anything.

I agree with this too. I think you should talk with him... work as a team. You two seem to work so well together, I'm sure you can come up with something workable.

Right now, I don't think we have the energy to deal w/anything more...which is why my reaction right now is to call it over and done w/, to clear her off my plate, to simply be DONE. We know we have to move sooner or later, praying to hear about one of the many resumes he's sent out...Making a move to cut MIL out of my life, as appealing as it is, really isn't going to simplify squat right now.

This may be one of those things you do for your husband, even though it's so hard.

 

I don't know you, and I only heard of NPD via this board. I don't know all the background but I have read some of your stories. I feel for your family. If he is not ready to give up on his mother, he needs your love and support to help him in dealing with her.

 

Your love for your husband shines through in all your posts. Your love will lead you to do the right things to help him.

thank you for the compliment. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. Glad it sounds good though! :lol:

[Audrey]

I don't think it's right, or healthy, for YOU to have to run interference between him and his mother. If he wants to sign up for this level of crazy, that's his prerogative, but you shouldn't have to suffer through it. You can't fix her, and you can't lessen her impact on him. Only he can decrease her impact on him, when/if he chooses to.

 

:iagree: Every time you react to her antics, it just feeds her NPD. And, now I'm sure you're going to say that not reacting also feeds her NPD, but what do you want to spend YOUR energy on? Giving her a reaction, or denying her the satisfaction of any reaction?

[kolamum]

Distraction is key here.

 

Find some other situation & lead her attention there. It'll work for a while.

[Catwoman]

Distraction is key here.

 

 

Yeah, like if you can distract her as she's crossing the street and there's a bus coming, for example........... ;)

[LaxMom]

considering all the other carp going on right now, looking for work, etc, no, there's no way he's in any shape to deal w/her escalating anything.

 

Right now, I don't think we have the energy to deal w/anything more...which is why my reaction right now is to call it over and done w/, to clear her off my plate, to simply be DONE. We know we have to move sooner or later, praying to hear about one of the many resumes he's sent out...Making a move to cut MIL out of my life, as appealing as it is, really isn't going to simplify squat right now.

 

thank you for the compliment. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. Glad it sounds good though! :lol:

 

Right. And you you have that same stressor, just a different aspect of it. And you know that RSD makes no distinction between stressors... So, Wolf can either go incommunicado (even for a short, specific period of time), or run interference, but the stress that CAN be taken away from you needs to be. And right now, the only controllable variable is MIL. Otherwise, he's going to end up with job stress, mother stress and the stress of completely running a homeschooling household with an invalid wife.

[Impish]

Yeah, like if you can distract her as she's crossing the street and there's a bus coming, for example........... ;)

:lol:

 

I'm just being a whiny butt. Weather's changed here, and RSD is amped.

 

Realistically now is so not the time to be putting more on his plate.

 

I need to keep my head down, mouth shut, and abide until we've got the employment and living situation sorted out.

 

Thanks for listening. :grouphug: