At my wits' end with this issue.

[Remudamom]

Is he OCD?

[Onceuponatime]

Have you ever tried asking him what he thinks will happen (what will be the consequences), or what does it imply about that person, if someone says a "bad" word?

 

The answer may be revealing.

 

He may need to be taught about grace, forgiveness, and tolerance. He may need to have those qualities modelled.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Onceuponatime

[TXBeth]

Sorry to say I am with your DH and son on this. I hate people swearing, at me or around me.

 

But would you cry about it for an hour, even after the person apologized? I don't like swearing either, but there are clearly other issues at play here.

[kalanamak]

Interesting, my little guy is "tough " too, in some ways. He stood up to a much older bully who was picking on an overweight girl, and he wore pink and girly stuff for a long time despite negative comments from other kids. He would say "there's nothing wrong with pink, and this is what i like."

 

My fellow was like that, too.

We had very little of the meltdowns, but kiddo is embarrassed by bad language, and I have the hardest time getting him to tell me what someone said to him that upset him. Last week it was "pimp". (He could tell by the tone it was a bad word. I told him that it could mean two things: a small pimple or a man who sells women to other men. This got him off the topic of the bad word and onto the injustice of it all. Not that I told he what they were sold for. He didn't ask. :lol:)

 

Anyway, since kiddo is generally a cheery guy and not inclined to meltdowns, what few he's had that weren't obviously from genuine fear (seeing a boy's face chewed up by a dog), and that went on too long, I treated at "nap time". Rather than be put to bed, he always got control of himself and just came for a cuddle. I wasn't angry, but firm, as one would be in a tempertantrum. I treated them like "mood tantrums". However, he only did this 3 times, total, and I'm not sure what I would have done if the problem was more persistent, or if he hadn't been able to "get ahold" of himself.

 

:grouphug:

[Jenny in Florida]

When my daughter was younger, she felt every emotion in the house. She didn't know what she was feeling and couldn't differentiate that it wasn't actually her own emotion. So, she just reacted.

 

She has some very strong perfectionist tendencies, which really got in her way for a while. The only thing we found that ever helped was the "worst case scenario" talk. I would sit down with her, preferably close enough to touch or cuddle, and ask her to help me brainstorm the very worst outcome of whatever it was that worried her. Then, we'd talk it through together and come up with some kind of strategy to cope with the potential disaster.

 

Once she felt more prepared for the worst, most ridiculous thing that might possibly if the moon was blue happen, most of the time she could move ahead.

 

In your son's case, if it were my kid, I think I'd start by choosing a calm time to start the discussion. I'd ask him, prodding a little if necessary, to explain to me what, exactly bothers him about hearing me swear. And I'd do my best to calm those concerns in whatever way seemed appropriate. For example, if the problem is that he's upset by the anger, I might explain that everyone does get angry. I'd remind him that I always love him, even when he is angry, and that moms aren't superpeople. I might consider giving him a "safe word," something he could use to tell me he was upset without the extreme emotional reaction.

 

Oooh, about the emotional thing: I've worked for years with my son on the fact that we don't control our emotions. We feel what we feel, and that's the way it is. What we can learn to do, with practice, is to control how we react to the feelings. In other words, I've never, ever chastised or punished or talked down to one of my kids because I think that what they are feeling is in any way unnacceptable. My first stop is comfort and a check-in to figure out what's going on right then. Only after that might I sometimes tell a kid that he or she needs to take a few minutes alone to get things under control.

 

Anyway, back to the worst case scenario thing. I kind of like the idea of making up silly curses. If I could bring the kid around to it, I'd encourage making up ridiculous words and phrases and shouting them at the tops of our lungs. Once I got the kid giggling, I'd try to explain that "real" curses have no more meaning than the nonsense words we just yelled, except that our society has decided they do. They're just words. They're words we don't say (or try not to say) in public, because it's rude to upset other people by doing so. But the words, themselves, hold no actual danger.

 

Then, I'd remind him again that I love him, and I'd apologize one more time for upsetting him. And I'd ask if he felt better.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I suspect the silly curses until we giggle thing would probably have worked really well for both of mine. But, of course, your kid might hate it.

 

But, yes, babbling aside, I think that's where I'd start.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Jenny in Florida

[LucyStoner]

Your son sounds a lot like mine, right down wearing pink and telling other kids to leave him alone. He also is very judgmental about swearing, which is very frustrating because he can't really see when someone is using it in anger or as a joke or when the word is actually totally appropriate. He is gifted and I the autism spectrum and has OCD. I don't have any words of wisdom, just letting you know you are not the only one.

 

I would agree that asking your husband to not feed it would be good and maybe taking lots of chances to remind him that no one is perfect- we all have a failing somewhere. It has eased a little in recent weeks, so I am hopeful he is getting past it.

[JennyD]

nm

Edited August 21, 2012 by JennyD

[Joanne]

It sounds like he has a predisposition towards some combination of the below:

 

 

1. OCD
   
2. Perfectionism
   
3. anxiety
   
4. Aspie-like behavior
   
5. cognitive distortions
   
6. Sensitive
   

 

 

His particular constellation of the above traits is him; but the reality is that he'll need some coaching and help to manage "well" in terms of family life and as his social world matures.

 

A therapist could help, but you could do a lot to help him manage his thinking and behavior while still honoring who he *is*.

 

One rule I'd begin with is that his being "him" can't hold the rest of the family hostage. I'd back that rule up with *help*, *support*, and *coaching* him in terms of the tapes/thoughts/thinking patterns that drive his reactions.

[TXMomof4]

Do you think we should talk to a therapist about this? I think he's acting like you do--feeling the anger in the room very personally. What do you personally do about this? How do you control your sadness, worry and anxiety?

 

We took dd to a therapist. We started this last January and it has been a huge godsend. We did start her on Zoloft almost immediately and we saw immediate results. She is also doing behavioral cognitive therapy and I have seen huge changes in the way she deals with stressful situations. We're talking HUGE changes.

 

DD wouldn't sit and cry quiety - any time she felt like a situation was out of her control she would completely melt down. She's still mercurial, but when she gets into a situation she's unsure of she has the ability to stop and think of an appropriate response. I can talk to her and ask her if the crying is the best way to handle the situation and she can stop and verbalize her worry/concern/fear and look at it a little more logically. She just turned 9.

 

We could have survived without the meds/therapy. I love her to death and she is a sweet child when she wasn't wrapped up in her panic. However, she is so much happier and more confident now. I questioned myself non-stop about putting her on meds, but I'll tell you, I don't regret it for a second now. She definitely needed an outside party to tell her its ok to be worried, but you don't have to let it rule you. I could say it til I was blue in the face and it didn't make a difference, but our therapist is fantastic and has the ability to call dd on her out of control feelings and make her realize she CAN control them.

 

I didn't mean to write a book, but having dealt with anxiety my whole life it is very important to me that everyone realize we don't have to live that way. Our children have options we didn't have and there isn't a thing wrong with taking advantage of resources available to you to make their lives better.

[Parker Martin]

There's a lot of pathologizing in this thread.

 

I don't think it's that weird. Take a gifted kid with a long attention span, put him in a situation where he's made to believe he's on the side of justice, and of course he goes on and on.

 

If I had a child like this, and I said a bad word, I would apologize. If he continued sulking around, crying about it, and acting angry at me, I would not continue to apologize. That only feeds into his false feelings of justification. I'd have a talk with him about how certain things are just part of life, that his reaction is over the top, that forgiveness is part of good character, and that he needs to go to his room until he can get himself together.

 

And I would tell my DH to knock it off. He's doing your son no favors by encouraging this.

[Mandy in TN]

I am glad you got so many great suggestions about intense kids and esp gifted, intense kids.

 

My only comment is that you have to stop feeling guilty! Its OK if you swear once in a while! You can tell your son you are sorry, but then its not about the swearing any more. its about his sadness which he is having trouble controlling or shrugging off. Your guilt makes it harder for you to be really present with him, loving him even when he's sad. kids dont sit and cry like that on purpose, he is just not able to handle his big feelings. i think the focus needs to be on supporting him to find his way out of his big feelings! Some kids really do mature later, emotionally, and there is no fault in that. Just as they learn to walk and read at different ages. Make sure its not a right/wrong mom is bad or crying is bad . . . just work on positive ways to move forward.

H E double hockey sticks yeah! ;)

 

Anyway, back to the worst case scenario thing. I kind of like the idea of making up silly curses. If I could bring the kid around to it, I'd encourage making up ridiculous words and phrases and shouting them at the tops of our lungs. Once I got the kid giggling, I'd try to explain that "real" curses have no more meaning than the nonsense words we just yelled, except that our society has decided they do. They're just words. They're words we don't say (or try not to say) in public, because it's rude to upset other people by doing so. But the words, themselves, hold no actual danger.

 

Then, I'd remind him again that I love him, and I'd apologize one more time for upsetting him. And I'd ask if he felt better.

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I suspect the silly curses until we giggle thing would probably have worked really well for both of mine. But, of course, your kid might hate it.

 

But, yes, babbling aside, I think that's where I'd start.

:iagree: For Pete's sake, it was my experience in corporate America that the men who knew how and when to curse appropriately were the ones who were part of the in-crowd that was promoted and did well in the office. (Keeping up with sports and knowing how to golf was part of it as well.) Anyway, they are just words. Shakespearean insults are particularly fun.

 

There's a lot of pathologizing in this thread.

 

I don't think it's that weird. Take a gifted kid with a long attention span, put him in a situation where he's made to believe he's on the side of justice, and of course he goes on and on.

 

If I had a child like this, and I said a bad word, I would apologize. If he continued sulking around, crying about it, and acting angry at me, I would not continue to apologize. That only feeds into his false feelings of justification. I'd have a talk with him about how certain things are just part of life, that his reaction is over the top, that forgiveness is part of good character, and that he needs to go to his room until he can get himself together.

 

And I would tell my DH to knock it off. He's doing your son no favors by encouraging this.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Mandy

[Katy]

Warning: my BIGGEST pet peeve is self-righteous condescension, so keep that in mind if my opinion might offend you. Also, I'm Christian, and my approach would be from that perspective. If you're not religious, I'd try a therapist. Preferably a children's therapist who uses cognitive or art therapy or both.

 

If you are religious, IDK how other religions handle this sort of thing, but from a Christian perspective, no one is perfect, you're not perfect but he is not perfect either. And judging others and putting guilt trips on them about it is not acceptable behavior. It is much less socially acceptable than swearing, in fact.

 

And then I would pull DH aside and in no uncertain terms make sure he understood that and to NEVER undermine your parenting again. How completely ridiculous that he criticize you in front of your child. Have him start categorizing your words as "adult" or "grown up" words, not as "bad" words (that's the way my two Navy parents taught me).

 

Also, I think your son needs to learn about respect, and how even if he doesn't agree with your every action, he is still a child, and it is absolutely unacceptable to dole out condescension or tantrums about it, both because you are an adult and also because you are his mother, and you outrank him. He doesn't get to parent you. He doesn't have the right OR the responsibility.

 

Then I'd pull out all of the stories there are about Jesus and stopping people from judging others. I'd give the verses to him as copywork if he can write, and memory work if he cannot. I would also be sure to point out (while DH is in the room) that Jesus got angry not at sinners, but at judgmental self-righteous people.

 

He doesn't have the right to judge friends or playmates like that either.

 

Then I would point out some of his character flaws (besides being judgmental). And I would tell him he doesn't have the right to judge himself like that either.