BakersDozen Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 This last spring one of my dd's closest friends came up for a visit...but not for a visit with my dd. There are three of them who all get along very well yet of the three, my dd was completely excluded from the week-long visit. At the very last moment she was called and asked to come over. She didn't mention how it felt to be left out but this mama was really, really angry and hurt for her. My dd is the type to include everyone; not inviting someone or leaving someone out intentionally is not her style. I spoke with the moms involved and was assured that it was an oversight, the other girls got so busy and time flew by....blah blah blah. Fast forward to today and the same situation! The other two girls knew for almost two weeks that they were getting together and my dd didn't find out about it until a few days ago and only then because she is horseback riding with one of the girls who will then meet the third girl at her house after the ride. Now and only now the invitation has been extended for my dd to attend youth group with them tonight and I want to say, "Heck, no!!" I can't believe these girls and their moms did this again!! What do I do, Hive? Forgetfulness the first time I can (almost) believe (although I still think they were incredibly rude and hurtful) but a second time??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I would let it go. Let her go with them if she wants to. And console her if she feels left out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I guess it would depend on the age of the DD being affected, but generally, I'd validate the hurt feelings, remind her that we can't control the actions of others, and ask her how she would like to proceed. If your DD is younger and more easily hurt, I might just plan a different activity for that time and try to let the relationships fade - since they are fading already. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If she wants to go take her. I am not sure if your dd has always been at home but mine has. We have not had a great deal of co op involment either. Anyway my dd honestly does not get "it" when she is being treated poorly by others. Sometimes I hurt for her but she doesn't feel bad. Anyway I know she would probably chose to go.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 The first thing I would keep in mind is that it's not automatically wrong for friends to plan something on their own, without including all their other friends. Friendships change over time, they ebb and flow, and right now these two girls might be particularly close and enjoying some one-on-one time. It doesn't mean that they are 'leaving her out' or ignoring her, and I would try really hard not to take it that way. As far as what you should do - you shouldn't do anything. If your dd wants to get together with them, then she should go and have fun. Definitely do not bring it up with the moms. The girls did nothing wrong. Getting called out over a last-minute invite is only going to make them less likely to include your dd next time, imo. Does your dd use any social media? Facebook or text? If she doesn't, it's possible that the other girls chat this way a lot, and things get planned that way, and so on. But either way, making plans on their own shouldn't be perceived as a mean or wrong thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 This last spring one of my dd's closest friends came up for a visit...but not for a visit with my dd. There are three of them who all get along very well yet of the three, my dd was completely excluded from the week-long visit. At the very last moment she was called and asked to come over. She didn't mention how it felt to be left out but this mama was really, really angry and hurt for her. My dd is the type to include everyone; not inviting someone or leaving someone out intentionally is not her style. I spoke with the moms involved and was assured that it was an oversight, the other girls got so busy and time flew by....blah blah blah. Fast forward to today and the same situation! The other two girls knew for almost two weeks that they were getting together and my dd didn't find out about it until a few days ago and only then because she is horseback riding with one of the girls who will then meet the third girl at her house after the ride. Now and only now the invitation has been extended for my dd to attend youth group with them tonight and I want to say, "Heck, no!!" I can't believe these girls and their moms did this again!! What do I do, Hive? Forgetfulness the first time I can (almost) believe (although I still think they were incredibly rude and hurtful) but a second time??? There is nothing you can do. I'm assuming this is your teen? That really sucks but sometimes kids just prefer some kids over others. It's happened to both me and to my daughter as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 The first thing I would keep in mind is that it's not automatically wrong for friends to plan something on their own, without including all their other friends. Friendships change over time, they ebb and flow, and right now these two girls might be particularly close and enjoying some one-on-one time. It doesn't mean that they are 'leaving her out' or ignoring her, and I would try really hard not to take it that way. As far as what you should do - you shouldn't do anything. If your dd wants to get together with them, then she should go and have fun. Definitely do not bring it up with the moms. The girls did nothing wrong. Getting called out over a last-minute invite is only going to make them less likely to include your dd next time, imo. Does your dd use any social media? Facebook or text? If she doesn't, it's possible that the other girls chat this way a lot, and things get planned that way, and so on. But either way, making plans on their own shouldn't be perceived as a mean or wrong thing to do. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Speaking gently.... often with girls, two's company and three's a crowd. DD has several close friends, but rarely do we have more than one of them over at a time because someone ends up getting excluded. What should you do? Nothing. There is no law or even requirement that the two girls should invite your DD whenever they get together. Let it go. Should you take her to the event? Sure, if she wants to go and it fits with your schedule. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 No offense, but it seems as if these two girls are best friends and they want to spend time together. There is nothing wrong with that and your interfering will only make a mess. ETA - AK beat me to it, so a belated nod to her wisdom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Speaking gently.... often with girls, two's company and three's a crowd. DD has several close friends, but rarely do we have more than one of them over at a time because someone ends up getting excluded. What should you do? Nothing. There is no law or even requirement that the two girls should invite your DD whenever they get together. Let it go. Should you take her to the event? Sure, if she wants to go and it fits with your schedule. :iagree: Also, some parents make plans one friend at a time. For me, having a friend come over is fine, but my stress levels go up exponentially as people are added to my house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If I understand correctly, the 3rd friend is coming from out of town, and thus makes plans with the other friend to stay at her house,right? Do you ever invite the out of town friend to come and stay with you? I agree with others, while it is hurtful to you and perhaps your daughter??? (has she mentioned it being hurtful??), it's not necessarily UNKIND of these girls to have a friendship on their own. It's not as if they rub it in your daughter's face, and it sounds like they have made some effort to include her, even if it is the last minute. Not sure how old the girls are in this situation, but until girls are in their teens, all of the arranging tends to happen between the parents. So if anything, it's the parents oversight, and perhaps they have their reasons...maybe three girls is too much to handle etc etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leanna Tomlinson Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Another thought...... are these girls from smaller families? I found through the years that my older girls were left out of invites/play dates/ etc. because my friends thought my life was too hectic and overwhelming to function without my teens. My friends were making assumptions about my life and my need for my teenagers to help me when I had a house full of little ones. Also, because I had two teens, I think my girls were left out because people felt obligated to invite both. Just a thought..... I know it can hurt. BTDT. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Like Samiam pointed out, it sounds like one girl is from out of town. It would be normal to me for the plans with the girl from out of town to be made in advance. It would also be normal for me to find that the person who took the initiative in inviting the girl from out of town would have the bulk of the time together with the person she invited. It is very kind of them to invite your dd to come and join them in this visit. I would assume the reason your dd was notified later was simply because your dd is local and probably doesn't need as much advance notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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