Sarah CB Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Dh has been parenting dd since she was a year old. He was finally able to adopt her when she was 4. Bio-dad is a nice enough guy, but young and inconsistant. The adoption was open and we've always granted access. Contact has been sporadic to say the least. The last time he called was three and a half years ago. Now he has asked my sister for my new number (I moved 6 months ago) and he wants to talk to dd. I'm sorry, but wtf? I had to deal with the, "Why hasn't so-and-so called me, why didn't he send something for Christmas (one thing he was pretty good about until 3 years ago)" questions from dd. Now he wants to have contact again - now, when she's 12 and she's fragile and she's starting to grow up and figure out who she is. Now? Dd doesn't remember a time when dh wasn't her father and he is a fantastic father - they're very close. It's not like she needs a father. What she doesn't need is for bio-dad to call and then not call again for a year or more. One year he called on Christmas (his usual) and said he wanted to be in touch weekly. He called again on New Year's Eve and then again on her birthday (one week after NYE) - that was it. He didn't call again until the next Christmas and my 7 year old was left wondering why. I'll repeat that he is not a bad guy. He's a nice guy. But, at this point I worry that the only thing he's going to offer to dd is more rejection and I see no reason for a girl who is growing up in a solid two-parent home to get a side order of rejection from someone who faded out of her life completely 3 years ago and who had mostly been a "once a year" communicator before that. Ugh. Having a child as an unmarried 18 year old is something I can't ever regret because I wouldn't trade dd for all the pain in the world but the fact that my actions have caused her pain really eats at my soul. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 :grouphug: I am sorry for the pain of this. I have no experience or wisdom to offer, just prayers and :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMindy Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm so sorry!!! I really hope that you will communicate this message to him. 12 is such a difficult time for a young girl. I am praying now for your dd!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ncmomo3 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 BIG (((((((Sarah))))))) just really BIG ((((((((for you and your dd)))))))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlashine Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 My friend and I have both had experiences somewhat like this. Her son's father liked to call and tell her son he was coming to visit, or whatever, and then never show up. She eventually had to tell the father that she was not telling her son anything from him for awhile, because A.-the son-kept running away, trying to find his dad. My son had to deal with an alcoholic for a dad up until a few years ago. It was terrible. I don't really have any advice, except to agree with the wtf, as that is how both of us felt when our son's father's pulled this kind of mess. Unfortunately, there are only two options in this situation, imho. 1.) Give him another chance, and if he messes it up this time, inform him through whatever channels available that it was his last and NEVER let him in again. or b.) Never let him in again. In the end, a might be better, because your daughter is now old enough to see you giving him the opportunity and thus will not blame you later for her father not being in her life, she will know it is him, and while that is hurtful, it does give a sense of closure to the whole thing for you both. Good luck, HTH, and:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakeside Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Sarah- Let me say how truly sorry I am that you are dealing with this. I applaud you for having your daughter's best interest at heart. You are right on target for wanting to protect her from that kind of rejection. As a child, I was in a similar situation as your daughter and the "now you see me, now you don't" approach to relationships stinks. Especially from a parent. While I don't have any specific advice on how to guard her heart during this time, I would try to figure a way. Perhaps a counselor or clergy member might have some concrete suggestions. I'll be praying for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 Thank you so much, everyone. The prayers and hugs have bolstered me and I'm feeling a lot better now. It doesn't help that dh is away right now and my sister is insane (thinks dd should learn the life lesson that contact with him will teach her), at least I have the Hive Mind. Cadam - I never really thought about not allowing access. We've always tried to go out of our way to be accommodating. The one worry I would have would be if dd decides later in life to contact him and then he lets her know that he "tried" to establish a relationship with her at 12 but that I prevented that from happening. On the other hand, anything she may or may not feel from that would probably pale in comparison to the type of pain that rejection at 12 or 13 would cause. I'm going to spend some time reading my Bible after the kids go to bed and then I'm going to pray. After that, I'll call and see where his head is at. We've always been able to talk. Then, dh and I can talk and try to figure out what to do next. Again, thanks for the hugs and the prayers. They really have made me feel stronger and better equipped to handle this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Tell him to write. That takes more effort than dialing 10 numbers. Pre-read. If it is full of emotional bullroar, don't show it to your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 We have an open adoption situation too, and our dd knows her birth parents. After going through some family therapy with a reputable counselor, we decided to create some ground rules about visits. We had to do this because bio mom especially has issues and isn't always dependable. The main ground rule is that birth parents must have a relationship with us in order to have any contact with our child. They must go through us for any visits. If we don't feel it is in our child's best interest we have to say no, even if it hurts us and hurts the bio parent. Every decision is based on what is best for dd, and anyone else's needs will follow. As much as we care about the birth parents (we know them personally) and hate to see them hurt, we have to stay focused on what is best for dd. I'm going to boldly suggest that you and your husband meet privately with the bio dad and talk about the whole picture as you have described in your post. Give him the situation through your perspective. Let him know that you know he loves his daughter, but that her needs are more important than his. Lay out rules and boundaries. Then he has to cooperate or not see her at all. Then you have to put on tough skin and follow through with it. In a perfect world your dd would have loving relationships with all of you. Maybe with some work and guidelines things will all come together for you. But as long as you allow him to be wishy washy he will continue on the same course. Our counselor told us that some relationships may have to wait until our dd is grown and mature enough to make her own choices. Until that time, we have to protect her -- even from those that truly love her and don't mean to hurt her. FWIW...I hope our situation benefits yours too. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakeside Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Our counselor told us that some relationships may have to wait until our dd is grown and mature enough to make her own choices. Until that time, we have to protect her -- even from those that truly love her and don't mean to hurt her. I think this is very wise advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 get ahold of him before he calls you and let him know how you feel. Tell him the truth about what your dd goes through when he does this and put it in no uncertain terms what you expect from him if he establishes contact again. She is adopted legally, right? I was adopted by my step father as well from a man who was also in and out of my life at will. It was hard for me. But, my dad is such a wonderful man that I always felt really blessed that he adopted me. My bio dad was a good man with a lot of problems. My parents were always really honest about the fact that he just wasn't capable of loving me the way I hoped, not because he was bad, but, because he had other issues. You shouldn't feel bad about having her so young. You are doing good things for her and you've given her a family that loves her. That's all a child needs. Don't let yourself feel as though all of this is your fault somehow, it isn't. I hope this helps.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thank you so much, everyone. The prayers and hugs have bolstered me and I'm feeling a lot better now. It doesn't help that dh is away right now and my sister is insane (thinks dd should learn the life lesson that contact with him will teach her), at least I have the Hive Mind. Cadam - I never really thought about not allowing access. We've always tried to go out of our way to be accommodating. The one worry I would have would be if dd decides later in life to contact him and then he lets her know that he "tried" to establish a relationship with her at 12 but that I prevented that from happening. On the other hand, anything she may or may not feel from that would probably pale in comparison to the type of pain that rejection at 12 or 13 would cause. I'm going to spend some time reading my Bible after the kids go to bed and then I'm going to pray. After that, I'll call and see where his head is at. We've always been able to talk. Then, dh and I can talk and try to figure out what to do next. Again, thanks for the hugs and the prayers. They really have made me feel stronger and better equipped to handle this. Sarah, I think you are right on the money. I think you and dh just need to be there for dd to wipe the tears if there are any this time. One can always hope there won't be. No matter how much we would like to saave our children from having to feel sadness, we just can't. From your posts, you sound like a very stronge and good mom. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I'm a divorce attorney and I see A LOT of cases where parents come and go. What is especially surprising is that the mother and father will fight tooth and nail to get custody, but once the other parent wins, the loser just disappears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Whew! Did I mention that he isn't a bad guy? I just got off the phone with him. He was very apologetic for being out of the picture for so long. I explained my concerns about allowing him to speak to dd and he was completely Ok with that. He was happy to have an update on her life and he asked me to send him a picture. Thank you so much for all of the support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Whew! Did I mention that he isn't a bad guy? I just got off the phone with him. He was very apologetic for being out of the picture for so long. I explained my concerns about allowing him to speak to dd and he was completely Ok with that. He was happy to have an update on her life and he asked me to send him a picture. Thank you so much for all of the support. I'm so grateful it worked out. Have a restful, peaceful evening!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2legomaniacs Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Whew! Did I mention that he isn't a bad guy? I just got off the phone with him. He was very apologetic for being out of the picture for so long. I explained my concerns about allowing him to speak to dd and he was completely Ok with that. He was happy to have an update on her life and he asked me to send him a picture. Thank you so much for all of the support. He doesn't sound like a bad guy. Only misguided perhaps? Good for the both of you for being able to communicate like that. I am glad you were honest with him about your concerns and that he understands too. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I'm a divorce attorney and I see A LOT of cases where parents come and go. What is especially surprising is that the mother and father will fight tooth and nail to get custody, but once the other parent wins, the loser just disappears. From what I have seen, a lot of the time when there is a bad custody battle, the spouse who ends up the 'loser' as you say, gets to the point where they hate the winning spouse more than they love their children. The avid desire not to ever see or talk to the winning spouse again stops them from making contact to arrange to see the children. It's not admirable, but it is understandable. I don't defend it, but it does not surprise me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kribby Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 wow I hope things work out soon for you all. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom2GirlsTX Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Whew! Did I mention that he isn't a bad guy? I just got off the phone with him. He was very apologetic for being out of the picture for so long. I explained my concerns about allowing him to speak to dd and he was completely Ok with that. He was happy to have an update on her life and he asked me to send him a picture. Thank you so much for all of the support. Sarah, I am glad things are working out. I am a big propopent of adoption and of open adoption, but that being said, my daughters adoption is closed and so she won't have contact. She already ask me so many questions about her birthparents that I can't answer. I think you are being a wonderful mom advocating for her, and I hope that it all works out so that birthdad can follow her thru you until which time you feel comfortable with him establishing any contact. Such a delicate situation, and it sounds like you are handling it so well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I'm glad it's worked out the way it has. I'm glad that your dd's father is responsive to your requests. I was imagining my children's birth parents making an appearance now (my kids are adopted) and the disruption that would cause. Happy news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.