Hitting 40 and feeling the heat

[Liberty]

I've been very depressed lately. I'm nearly 40 and feel that I'll never become the person I want to be.

 

Perfect Me = Loving, attentive Mother

Real Me = Screaming, reactive Mother who spends too much time in front of TV/computer

 

Perfect Me = Eats healthy and exercises regularly

Real Me = Eats healthy and exercises 1 day out of 5

 

Perfect Me = Reads my bible, prays, writes in my journal daily

Real Me = Nothing is done daily (only sporadically)

 

Perfect Me = Loves to clean the house, makes a schedule for the house, sticks to it

Real Me = Does the bare minimum, straightens to make things look good when dh walks in the door, but please don't look in the corners

 

My whole entire life I've been a procrastinator. Except for brief times in my life (2-3 months), I've never been able to stay on a schedule and keep things predictable and I can't stand it. I also feel like if I haven't changed by this age, how in the world can I expect to ever become my perfect me?

 

I'm sorry for this depressing post, but wonder if any old dogs out there have ever learned new tricks and changed?

[summer]

((((hugs))))

 

I would pick 1 thing and start with that. Also, I cancelled cable once and kept it off for a year and a half when I felt we spent too much time on it. Same for computer..I gave away our spare and made our entire family (6 of us) share just 1 computer.

[summer]

I've been very depressed lately. I'm nearly 40 and feel that I'll never become the person I want to be.

 

Perfect Me = Loving, attentive Mother

Real Me = Screaming, reactive Mother who spends too much time in front of TV/computer

 

Perfect Me = Eats healthy and exercises regularly

Real Me = Eats healthy and exercises 1 day out of 5

 

Perfect Me = Reads my bible, prays, writes in my journal daily

Real Me = Nothing is done daily (only sporadically)

 

Perfect Me = Loves to clean the house, makes a schedule for the house, sticks to it

Real Me = Does the bare minimum, straightens to make things look good when dh walks in the door, but please don't look in the corners

 

My whole entire life I've been a procrastinator. Except for brief times in my life (2-3 months), I've never been able to stay on a schedule and keep things predictable and I can't stand it. I also feel like if I haven't changed by this age, how in the world can I expect to ever become my perfect me?

 

I'm sorry for this depressing post, but wonder if any old dogs out there have ever learned new tricks and changed?

 

I want to add that most of your things are not on anyones lists. At least you straighten things! Try turning off the TV and computer for spurts throughout the day and pay total attention to the children, and don't yell at all, tv/computer or not. I think I will try less computer time today too....so you can think of me doing that in support of you (but it is 100 degrees here so not sure what I will do instead, LOL)

 

(((((hugs))))) You are clearly a wonderful person that you even think about how you wish to improve.

[Kathleen in VA]

I've been very depressed lately. I'm nearly 40 and feel that I'll never become the person I want to be.

 

Perfect Me = Loving, attentive Mother

Real Me = Screaming, reactive Mother who spends too much time in front of TV/computer

 

Perfect Me = Eats healthy and exercises regularly

Real Me = Eats healthy and exercises 1 day out of 5

 

Perfect Me = Reads my bible, prays, writes in my journal daily

Real Me = Nothing is done daily (only sporadically)

 

Perfect Me = Loves to clean the house, makes a schedule for the house, sticks to it

Real Me = Does the bare minimum, straightens to make things look good when dh walks in the door, but please don't look in the corners

 

My whole entire life I've been a procrastinator. Except for brief times in my life (2-3 months), I've never been able to stay on a schedule and keep things predictable and I can't stand it. I also feel like if I haven't changed by this age, how in the world can I expect to ever become my perfect me?

 

I'm sorry for this depressing post, but wonder if any old dogs out there have ever learned new tricks and changed?

 

I could have written that - all except the part about turning 40. Not to depress you more, but I will turn 50 this year. I really do know exactly how you feel. I was just telling my dd15 yesterday that if it hasn't happened by now, I'm not so sure it ever will. But I was in the National Honor Society in high school and graduated from college with honors ;). Seems I wasn't educated for real life - just some bizzarro contrived society that doesn't really exist outside the ivory towers. Don't have any advice - none at all - nada - nope, none. But I can offer :grouphug: and say that I'm almost 50 and still alive and my children, by God's grace, are turning out better than I did. I figure two or three generations down the line we might turn out someone who is disciplined, does not procrastinate and doesn't just do enough to "get by." That's my hope anyway.

 

I hope there is some comfort in knowing you are not alone - not by any stretch.

[ConnieinCO]

{{{{ Liberty }}}}

 

Take heart because I can really relate to what you are saying. That 40th milestone can be a major PITB but it can also be a weakeup call. I have two simple suggestions: First, make sure that you deal with the depression; this may be much more than you think it is and you will be beating your head against the wall to try and change very much until the depression is dealt with. Second, ask someone you trust to give you feedback on these areas that you mention; so often we are MERCILESS with ourselves and other people can help us get a more realistic viewpoint.

 

In the meantime, as someone else said, choose one small goal such as loading and running the dishwasher every night before you go to bed and just focus on making that a habit. When it becomes a habit, choose another small goal and make it a habit. Whenever you start to beat yourself up, stop yourself and say, "But I AM making this change." and celebrate that small step.

 

HTH,

Connie

[DB in NJ]

I agree with the others here: pick one thing and work on that.

 

When I turned 40 (over four years ago now!!), I had many of the same feelings. My "perfection" comes and goes; some days are better than others. But I chose one thing that I always wanted to do and never did: Running. I found a do-able plan and went for it! I eventually quit that, but I have missed it something awful, and have just recently started up again.

 

((((Liberty))))) Turn off the TV and play a game of cards or do a puzzle or play checkers with your kids. Throw a blanket on the floor and have an indoor picnic if it's too hot to go outside. One rainy day a few weeks ago we did this; we even played Beach Boys music just for fun. It only lasted about 30 minutes, but it was a memory they'll carry with them forever.

[Liberty]

I also was in NHS and got good grades through college. Is there a connection I wonder?

[Night Elf]

I'm sorry for this depressing post, but wonder if any old dogs out there have ever learned new tricks and changed?

 

I am 40 years old and feel a lot like you do. However, my advice to you is to LET GO OF THE PERFECT ME IDEA! And I can't emphasize that enough. There is no perfect anything except God.

 

My homemaking skills are not anywhere near June Cleaver's abilities. I've tried so many different ways of keeping the house clean and none of them have worked long term. I finally let it go. I am who I am. I can do what I can do. My family isn't suffering. My house isn't filthy. It's untidy at times. Truly, if social services were to come into my home at any given time, my house would pass inspection. My home is lived in. It is not meant to be magazine perfect.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't try to make improvements where you genuinely feel they are needed. Just don't swing wildly to the other side of the pendulum. That sets you up for failure. Make small changes and don't try changing too much at one time. It always feels good to make huge changes but then the honeymoon period is over and I fall flat on my face. :)

[hmschoolmom22]

((Hugs)) you are not alone my friend!! I am 41 and feel exactly as you do! some days are worse than others...perfection is not realistic, just try to do something fun every day, it truly makes a difference!

[Kathleen in VA]

I also was in NHS and got good grades through college. Is there a connection I wonder?

 

This is good essay fodder - or better yet, a master's thesis. Aarrgghh! There I go again with my academic take on everything. It's enough to drive you crazy. I just wish someone, sometime, (in home ec class, perhaps, or the Foods class I took in college when I thought I might want to work in Hotel/Restaurant Management), had taught me how to plan a week's worth of menus, make a grocery list and, the crowning achievement, follow through by actually making all those meals every night for a week.

 

I wrote a 20-page paper on whether or not Milton's poem "Lycidas" was a pastoral elegy. Somehow it's never come in handy:glare:.

[Shelly in VA]

I've been very depressed lately. I'm nearly 40 and feel that I'll never become the person I want to be.

 

Perfect Me = Loving, attentive Mother

Real Me = Screaming, reactive Mother who spends too much time in front of TV/computer

 

Perfect Me = Eats healthy and exercises regularly

Real Me = Eats healthy and exercises 1 day out of 5

 

Perfect Me = Reads my bible, prays, writes in my journal daily

Real Me = Nothing is done daily (only sporadically)

 

Perfect Me = Loves to clean the house, makes a schedule for the house, sticks to it

Real Me = Does the bare minimum, straightens to make things look good when dh walks in the door, but please don't look in the corners

 

My whole entire life I've been a procrastinator. Except for brief times in my life (2-3 months), I've never been able to stay on a schedule and keep things predictable and I can't stand it. I also feel like if I haven't changed by this age, how in the world can I expect to ever become my perfect me?

 

I'm sorry for this depressing post, but wonder if any old dogs out there have ever learned new tricks and changed?

 

I could have written your post, word for word. I turned 40 last month, and every area you mentioned is an area that I struggle with. I think there are a few things to focus on:

 

First, all of these areas are tasks/priorities that can constantly be improved on, no matter how efficiently they are done! I could always have a cleaner house, spend more time in Bible study, etc.

 

Second, the fact that you can identify areas for improvement means that you aren't apathetic, but that you care about improving your lifestyle. That's a good thing!

 

Finally, as others have said, pick ONE task and try to improve on it over the next month. Mark one task per month at the top of your calendar, if you need to, so that you aren't tempted to change multiple things at once (a recipe for failure!), and so that you don't have a nagging idea in the back of your mind that you'll "forget" about the other areas you want to work on.

 

Something that has helped me recently is to keep a SINGLE 4x8 spiral notebook near the computer. I write everything in it - appointments to make, books I want to read, websites I want to visit. It prevents me from getting off task, by, say, thinking I need to check out every website or book mentioned on this board right then and there before I forget!

 

As for thinking you're stuck in this rut because you've been there for 40 years, think about it looking forward. What I mean is, while you can't change the past, you can make positive changes in the future. Think of it not as 40 years of unhealthy eating, but as 40-50 years more where you can eat in a more healthy way. That's a huge life impact! The same for any of the items on your list. People start entirely new careers at the age of 40, and work 20-30 years at them. It's not too late!

 

HTH; you're not alone in this!

 

Shelly

[Remudamom]

I'm going to dissent here. Don't just pick one thing, do it all. You only have one day to be what/who you want to be, and that's today. If you don't want to be a screamer, then don't scream. If you want to be organized just get to it. If you want to be healthy then quit eating junk and get off the computer.

 

It's that simple. Start today and do it all.

 

You wanted to hear from an old dog, you got it.

[Shelly in VA]

Sometimes I think about the "senior superlatives" we voted on in high school; I was voted most likely to succeed. When I look around my house with a mile long to-do list, or I'm yelling at my kids, I sometimes think about that and wonder if this is success!! I know, I know, there are other ways to measure success, yada yada yada...

 

Shelly

[Shelly in VA]

The key, though, is not to beat yourself up if you can't change it all, immediately, perfectly, today. Sure, be aware of changes you want to make, and work towards them, but you haven't failed if you don't become a new person by noon!

 

Shelly

[Kathleen in VA]

The key, though, is not to beat yourself up if you can't change it all, immediately, perfectly, today. Sure, be aware of changes you want to make, and work towards them, but you haven't failed if you don't become a new person by noon!

 

Shelly

 

Or by the time your turn 50 :D.

[Liberty]

 

As for thinking you're stuck in this rut because you've been there for 40 years, think about it looking forward. What I mean is, while you can't change the past, you can make positive changes in the future. Think of it not as 40 years of unhealthy eating, but as 40-50 years more where you can eat in a more healthy way. That's a huge life impact! The same for any of the items on your list. People start entirely new careers at the age of 40, and work 20-30 years at them. It's not too late!

 

HTH; you're not alone in this!

 

Shelly

 

Thanks! I like this way of thinking. I guess I'm only around 1/2 way to the end (given a normal life span), so I've got plenty of time to turn it around and live most of my life doing the things I should do. Of course, I only think I've been "off track" for the past 18 years or so anyway (I was an overacheiver in hs and college, so I can't count until AFTER those years, right?).

[Liberty]

I'm going to dissent here. Don't just pick one thing, do it all. You only have one day to be what/who you want to be, and that's today. If you don't want to be a screamer, then don't scream. If you want to be organized just get to it. If you want to be healthy then quit eating junk and get off the computer.

 

It's that simple. Start today and do it all.

 

You wanted to hear from an old dog, you got it.

 

Are you speaking from experience? Have you been able to do this before (change several things at once)? If so, were you able to sustain the changes long term?

[elegantlion]

One of my favorite quotes is this..."It's never too late to be what you might have been."

 

I turned 41 last month and that has been harder than 40 for me. Somedays I am glad I am a SAHM and don't have any more responsibilities. Then somedays I think I'm lazy and unproductive and I've wasted more than half my life.

 

Other days I wish we would homeschool year round and then I wouldn't have to think about.

 

NO real advice, :grouphug:.

[Doran]

I'm sure your thoughts resonate with many here, including me. There is "something about forty" that causes in many an anxiety about ourselves and our accomplishments. The feelings may have been there all along, but suddenly, we begin to analyse ourselves against the fact that we may be halfway through life. We worry that we'll never change, never be all that we'd hoped, that we'll let someone down, that we'll let ourselves down. It's as if for the first forty years we were able to move along without worrying to much about our own shortcomings or about our mortality, but at around forty, we are caught up short by just looking in the mirror.

 

If I may be so bold, I'd like to offer you a simple Zen based thought. It actually is completely opposite from what you, and I, and Night Elf, and most of us that walk this planet are trained to think. That is, that we are perfect just as we are. In the moments of yesterday, today, tomorrow, we are precisely where we are meant to be. This does not mean that every moment is happy or without strife. It simply means that we need to stop working so hard to get to something else, since right now we are where we're supposed to be. As a people, we are so caught in the web of believing ourselves to be deficient, believing that we need to do more, be better, be different than who we are, that we lose sight of the fact that each moment we are alive presents its own unique gifts. In Christian teachings, you know that in each moment, you are completely forgiven and completely loved by God. So, I would encourage you to work not towards "fixing" all the things about yourself that you are labeling as broken, but instead, to work towards accepting yourself for who you are, and loving yourself as you are.

 

I don't mean this to sound like a lecture. Believe me, I'm still struggling to adopt my own words here. I do know, however, that when I accept myself more completely, everything else seems that much easier, and life seems more worth living.

 

Peace to you,

 

 

 

[hmschoolmom22]

One of my favorite quotes is this..."It's never too late to be what you might have been."

 

I turned 41 last month and that has been harder than 40 for me. Somedays I am glad I am a SAHM and don't have any more responsibilities. Then somedays I think I'm lazy and unproductive and I've wasted more than half my life.

 

Other days I wish we would homeschool year round and then I wouldn't have to think about.

 

NO real advice, :grouphug:.

 

:iagree:

[klmama]

I rarely manage to do all of them on the same day. About a year ago I had a very detailed checklist of things to do, and it helped a lot, but the kids hated the regimented schedule and it was hurting our relationship. So... away with the regimented schedule, back to better relationships and messier house. I do eat healthy food most of the time, but I don't exercise regularly. Which reminds me - I told the kids we were going for a walk, but I decided to pop in here for a quick peek while they were getting ready. Sound like something you would do, too? You aren't alone! ;)

[Remudamom]

Are you speaking from experience? Have you been able to do this before (change several things at once)? If so, were you able to sustain the changes long term?

 

Yes, those are all things you can change, as long as you want to change them. Some things take longer than others, but you keep working on it. I don't have the patience to dilly around with one thing or another. What good is changing one bad habit when there are still four/five others? Today is the only day you have to change. Just quit thinking about it and do it.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I have not read all the responses here. I will second (or more) the suggestion to check and see if the depression is a real situation needing treatment. I have been in a not so good place for a long time. It has messed with my head so that I thought that's just how I am. No! I am NOT that way. For me, I am on Zoloft and using progesterone cream. HUGE difference in me now. I am not aiming for perfection, but the real me is much more productive, less fuzzy headed, more stable, way better than before.

 

I urge you to see if there are things you can do to jump start yourself again. I couldn't do it on my own and snap out of it. Not that kind of thing for me. Now, I am eating better, walking several times a week, doing housework every day, organizing, having a functional brain again! Amazing!

Please see your doctor to discuss options for you. Life is too short. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

I have not read all the responses here. I will second (or more) the suggestion to check and see if the depression is a real situation needing treatment. I have been in a not so good place for a long time. It has messed with my head so that I thought that's just how I am. No! I am NOT that way. For me, I am on Zoloft and using progesterone cream. HUGE difference in me now. I am not aiming for perfection, but the real me is much more productive, less fuzzy headed, more stable, way better than before.

 

I urge you to see if there are things you can do to jump start yourself again. I couldn't do it on my own and snap out of it. Not that kind of thing for me. Now, I am eating better, walking several times a week, doing housework every day, organizing, having a functional brain again! Amazing!

Please see your doctor to discuss options for you. Life is too short. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I was too fuzzy headed to suggest this, but I should have. My progesterone cream has been shipped and I'm eagerly awaiting its arrival. I would so like to get out of this fog.