Liz CA Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 again after a divorce (2-3 years), would you suggest to her to run background checks on potential dates. Most men she "meets" are from online dating sites. This is not how I met dh 27 years ago. Everything seems rather different now. Several other people mentioned to me that background checking is the norm now. Really? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trishalinn Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 After the death of my first husband, I used online dating. No idea how else one is supposed to meet guys when they aren't in college! I used a few different sites but ended up meeting my hubby on eharmony. I dated A LOT but never ran a background check. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Element Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) I don't know about a full-on background check, but your county may have court records online. The majority of counties in my state have all civil and criminal records available to search for free (state files only, not federal.) Several of my friends who have met new dates online have used this search. I guess if you live in a large city without online court records you may want to go through doing an actual background search. I (personally) do not know anyone who has gone that route, but I guess it doesn't surprise me that some do. Edited June 10, 2012 by Element Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I think usually people just Google the other person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I think usually people just Google the other person. This is what I have heard from women who date using online services. Extensive googling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 But if it were a dangerous person, don't you think they would use an alias? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I think she needs to learn how to protect her privacy more than run a background check on someone else first. That takes a lot of skill and is really, really smart as a first step. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 How does one go about protecting their own privacy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 again after a divorce (2-3 years), would you suggest to her to run background checks on potential dates. Most men she "meets" are from online dating sites. This is not how I met dh 27 years ago. Everything seems rather different now. Several other people mentioned to me that background checking is the norm now. Really? No, I would not suggest that to her. I would assume she would google on her own, but I might offer to google and check into other available websites for her. (I worked in law enforcement and ran a background check when I met my dh 20+ years ago.:D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 A lot of gentle deflection. For the early meetings, or first meetings....Stay in public always. Never involve alcohol. I wouldn't leave my drink or food out of my sight. Have a check in time with a friend. No talking about the kids, routines, where you work, just keep everything very general and polite, I would go as far as not using my real last name or actual age either. I'd arrive super early or nearby and walk a bit or get dropped off. There's no reason he needs to know the car you drive, where you live etc. Women can be fairly good at meeting strangers, but until they aren't a stranger anymore...I'd be really cautious about it. I would say that in all the time I dated online, no one was ever ONCE who they said they really were, there is very little honesty in the online dating world. Sorry to be such a cynic, but it was true for me. If I was a single woman looking to date, it would take a lot to get me back into online dating. I'd rather hang at bookstores to strike up conversations. Ah well. I think it's really nice the OP is concerned for her friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I met my husband on match.com around ten years ago. He was who he said he was, and I was who I said I was. :D We exchanged email for several months before we decided to meet. During this time I found out that he was the divorced father of one of my daughter's close friends. Of course, I got THAT scoop....Later I found that we had other acquaintances in common. I think it was helpful to exchange email and not just rush to a meeting. It gave us both time to get to know a little about each other through email and also through finding mutual acquaintances and getting their opinions. We met in the daylight in public places for a while, and we both arrived and left separately. No alcohol, no nightclubs, no romantic venues. We met for lunch, coffee, ice cream, ect. I think that taking some time and insisting on getting to know the person for three or more months through emails BEFORE agreeing to meet really helped weed out those men who were looking for a quick hook-up, at least. I do think that if I had thought of it I would have run a background check before actually meeting anyone, if I didn't find any mutual acquaintances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 A lot of gentle deflection. For the early meetings, or first meetings....Stay in public always. Never involve alcohol. I wouldn't leave my drink or food out of my sight. Have a check in time with a friend. No talking about the kids, routines, where you work, just keep everything very general and polite, I would go as far as not using my real last name or actual age either. I'd arrive super early or nearby and walk a bit or get dropped off. There's no reason he needs to know the car you drive, where you live etc. Women can be fairly good at meeting strangers, but until they aren't a stranger anymore...I'd be really cautious about it. I would say that in all the time I dated online, no one was ever ONCE who they said they really were, there is very little honesty in the online dating world. Sorry to be such a cynic, but it was true for me. If I was a single woman looking to date, it would take a lot to get me back into online dating. I'd rather hang at bookstores to strike up conversations. Ah well. I think it's really nice the OP is concerned for her friend. I met my DH on match.com. I dated frequently with men I met there. All were who they said they were and represented themselves accurately. Even the guy wanted a lunch, um, tea and did I mind that he was married. :lol: To me, it's not inherently "safer" to meet someone at church, at a gathering, through friends, etc. OP, no, I would *not* recommed a background check for potential dates. But I would before getting serious, exclusive, or sex. I'd also see if my friend knew the potential for accelerated/false intimacy in online interaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I met my DH from an on-line site. I'm surprised that there are so many of us. These are the suggestions that I would recommend - Meet the person in a public place as soon as possible - maybe with a friend nearby. The more on-line conversation - the more possibility there is of deception. Pay attention to your 'red flags'. If something doesn't feel right, then drop the person and look for someone else. If the person pushes for things too fast - moving in, marriage, etc (like within the first few weeks), then back away. If you aren't a good judge of character (based on past bad relationships), introduce them quickly to some friends and let them tell you if they see/feel any red flags. Also meet his family before any big steps. Insist on this - even if that means traveling a long way. He may be able to hide wives, childrens, past issues from you, but his family probably won't. I would not do a background check - unless I was a high net worth individual and was worried about someone who was after my money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 I have recommended to her to meet only in public places, not give him her address or phone number. I am way more concerned than she is about safety which is why others have mentioned the background check to me. I agree it's more about protecting yourself than to know every little detail on a report. Thank you for your suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I would go as far as not using my real last name or actual age either. Some very good ideas, except I had to laugh at the above - isn't one of the big problems with online dating that sometimes the people you meet are using false names or ages?? I'd be happier just NOT USING a last name and give an age range. For instance, just a first name and last initial with age 35-40 or something. Seems a little more honest - and I try to give honesty in the hopes of getting it! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 yes I would. I had a friend who actually met the guy from the neighborhood. He seemed like a nice guy. It would have taken more than a simple google to have found more out about the man. But evidently 20+ years ago he did have some s#xual charges. Sadly she married the man, 3 years later the police came knocking, he had abused some kids in the neighborhood. And then when the police started checking uncovered so much more about the man that was sickening. he actually had so much stuff that it became a US Gov case not just a state case. the damage was done her life has been turned upside down in so many ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I have recommended to her to meet only in public places, not give him her address or phone number. I am way more concerned than she is about safety which is why others have mentioned the background check to me. I agree it's more about protecting yourself than to know every little detail on a report. Thank you for your suggestions. A complete thorough background check for local, state, federal and other comprehensive records is expensive, but you pay for what you get. Sure a background check can tip you off to criminal behavior or financial problems, which may or may not have been beyond target's control, but a background check cannot reveal that the person is a manipulator, liar, cheater, controller or any other number of undesirable traits. At the bare minimum, however, I would run a credit check if the relationship was blossoming because irresponsible financial management would be my own personal dealbreaker. I liked the suggestion to introduce the person to your friends if you have a history of poor judgment of character. It is equally important to meet his friends because the company a person keeps says a lot about them. I'd also want to know how long he has known these friends. The suggestions to take it slowly, meet in public, and to not reveal too much personal information at first are all sound. How about having your friend let other friends know she is interested in meeting men for friendship and possibly more? The friends act as pre-screeners. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 yes I would....It would have taken more than a simple google to have found more out about the man. But evidently 20+ years ago he did have some s#xual charges. ..... Yes, it can be difficult to track down criminal charges that took place prior to electronic recordkeeping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 P. S. - I would ask for a recent photograph is the one provided appears outdated. If you do not have strong memory, take notes on personal details he reveals to compare to later information provided by him. Hopefully they agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joani Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I dated a little online a few years ago, but ended up meeting my now-DH through our kids. I never did a full background check on anyone, but googling and a thorough facebook search revealed enough to rule out a few guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Sadly she married the man, 3 years later the police came knocking, he had abused some kids in the neighborhood. And then when the police started checking uncovered so much more about the man that was sickening. he actually had so much stuff that it became a US Gov case not just a state case. the damage was done her life has been turned upside down in so many ways. This is the kind of nightmare that keeps me up on her account. She seems rather naive to me and our other friend (and usually I am the one who lives under a rock). She is very much driven by emotion, unfortunately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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