Why do parents have trouble with treating their children as adults?

[Guest Samgari]

I mean when they are older than 18.

 

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Edited June 8, 2012 by Samgari

[KJB]

I mean when they are older than 18.

 

Why do adult children expect their parents to bail them out, loan them money, babysit for them, give them things, etc and at the same time want their parents to treat them as "adults"? :001_huh:

 

I think that is the source of some parents inability to view their children as grown. A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

[kalanamak]

Habit.

Wanting to control (not only child, but sometimes the world ... i.e. tries to keep their child from every possible harm).

[bettyandbob]

Simply being of legal age, does not make one magically able to be responsible.

 

I was capable of caring for myself at 18.

 

However, some people have not learned the basics of decision making and responsibility at 18. There could be any number of reasons. Sometimes parents do not provide an opportunity for a child to "grow up", sometimes a child's personality is hardwired to resist, sometimes there's an intervening event that delayed opportunities to mature. Whatever the reason some 18 year olds just are not ready to act like adults and as a result their parents may treat them accordingly. I would hope, though that the parent in that situation was looking for ways to slowly back away and allow the 18 yo to begin taking the reigns for himself.

[Mommyfaithe]

I have no problem treating my adult children as adults. My adult children do not seem to have a problem acting like adults. It doesn't happen like a switch at 18....but, is a gradual move starting in the young teens with more responsibility....and less bail out....and more natural consequence. I will not finance what I see as a bad decision...however, my kids do reserve the right to make their own decisions, bad or good, as they see fit.

 

We move more into a deep friendship/relationship as they grow older. So far, so good.

[Onceuponatime]

Why do adult children expect their parents to bail them out, loan them money, babysit for them, give them things, etc and at the same time want their parents to treat them as "adults"? :001_huh:

 

I think that is the source of some parents inability to view their children as grown. A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

 

:iagree:

Perhaps the parent's definition of adult is different than the child's. It is hard to think of your child as an adult when they are living in your home, eating your food, using your car, expecting things to be done for them, not contributing in a responsible way to the general upkeep, and not showing the parents respect. When the magic number 18 comes around and nothing changes, it is very hard for a parent to see that their own attitude should be any different than the day before.

 

Also, when we have birthed a child from our very being, nutured it, cared for it, worried about it, worked hard for it, sacrificed for it, then we can't just shut that off like the flick of a switch. It takes time and a little patience, from both sides.

 

Ideally, the letting go on one side and the maturing responsibly on the other side happen simultaneously over the teenage years. But that is not always the case.

Edited June 6, 2012 by Onceuponatime

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with Faithe.

 

I think there are a number of reasons it may not go that way. If the parent hasn't been preparing the child all along, especially in the teen years, then it is much harder. If the child hasn't been stepping up in preparation along the way, especially in the teen years, then it is much harder. I do think that it is usually the parents who drop the ball first, from what I see in real life and on message boards. MANY people are still treating their 11 year olds like 5yr olds and their 16year olds like 10 year olds. Then both parties seem to struggle more at 18 or 21 or whenever the kid is ready to exert some independence.

[FiveOaksAcademy]

Why do adult children expect their parents to bail them out, loan them money, babysit for them, give them things, etc and at the same time want their parents to treat them as "adults"? :001_huh:

 

I think that is the source of some parents inability to view their children as grown. A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

 

:iagree: I don't have any adult children, but I've seen it a lot recently.

[happyhomemaker]

Why do adult children expect their parents to bail them out, loan them money, babysit for them, give them things, etc and at the same time want their parents to treat them as "adults"? :001_huh:

 

I think that is the source of some parents inability to view their children as grown. A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

 

:iagree: My sister and I are very independent and transitioned pretty easily to a good adult relationship with our parents. My other 2 siblings were VERY dependent on Mom and Dad when they reached adulthood, and their rockier relationship with our parents reflects that.

 

I also think it's hard because I know my kids will always be my babies. I hope to have the wonderful, respectful adult relationship with them that I do with my parents, but I know I will never stop worrying about them and being very concerned with their welfare to a degree that will never be true of any of my relationships with other adults. I hope those feelings do not result in stepping over the line on my part, but I can see how that could happen from a strong sense of motherly love.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

That's an interesting first post!

 

Are you a parent having trouble respecting your grown child?

Are you a grown child wishing your parent would respect you?

Are you a homeschooler writing a paper and looking for data?

 

Whatever brings you, welcome to the boards.

[Lady Florida.]

That's an interesting first post!

 

Are you a parent having trouble respecting your grown child?

Are you a grown child wishing your parent would respect you?

Are you a homeschooler writing a paper and looking for data?

 

Whatever brings you, welcome to the boards.

 

Good catch. Thank you Tibbie. I usually do look at post counts but missed this one.

 

Anyway, to the OP, I really don't know. My mother had that problem and she was a very controlling person. It had nothing to do with how independent my brother and I were (I was, he wasn't). My MIL doesn't have any issues with it even though she has an adult daughter who doesn't act like the 40+ year old she is. We have always treated dss like an adult once he became an adult, even though he lived with us in his early adult years. I think it has a lot to do with the parent's personality.

[Plucky]

It is a very hard transition to make. We have treated our oldest as a young adult since he was 16 because he acted like one. Now he is 18 and not a lot has changed. We have had some growing pains. For an 18 year old to truly be an adult they have to support themselves. An 18-year old cannot expect to have the benefits of being a child and the freedoms of an adult at the same time without some strife occurring in the family. :)

[SJ.]

I don't know the answer to this but I love reading these types of threads because I love the collective wisdom of the Hive and I learn so much here. :001_smile:

 

My parents were extremely controlling. I was a good kid that never got into trouble and was a people pleaser. I was only permitted to go to school and sit on my porch, sometimes my neighbor's porch as a teen. It was this way even when I turned 18. The next month I left home and joined the Marine Corps. I have to say that I was very naive and had some trouble with some social situations that I had never encountered.

 

I hope I am able to usher my children into adulthood while walking that fine balance between being too controlling and being too permissive.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am at such a disadvantage as a parent because my parents and the other adults in my family that I was close to were such different parents than I hope to be for my children.

[Thea]

Why do adult children expect their parents to bail them out, loan them money, babysit for them, give them things, etc and at the same time want their parents to treat them as "adults"? :001_huh:

 

I think that is the source of some parents inability to view their children as grown. A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

 

This.

 

Parenting young adults is hard.

[Thea]

:iagree:

Perhaps the parent's definition of adult is different than the child's. It is hard to think of your child as an adult when they are living in your home, eating your food, using your car, expecting things to be done for them, not contributing in a responsible way to the general upkeep, and not showing the parents respect. When the magic number 18 comes around and nothing changes, it is very hard for a parent to see that their own attitude should be any different than the day before.

 

Also, when we have birthed a child from our very being, nutured it, cared for it, worried about it, worked hard for it, sacrificed for it, then we can't just shut that off like the flick of a switch. It takes time and a little patience, from both sides.

 

Ideally, the letting go on one side and the maturing responsibly on the other side happen simultaneously over the teenage years. But that is not always the case.

 

And this.

[TranquilMind]

I mean when they are older than 18.

 

Have you seen that commercial where the teen daughter is getting ready to back out of the driveway, while talking to her Dad through the window. We see she is late teens. Dad sees her as a little child sitting at the wheel for a moment. Then when he waves to her as she drives away, she's a teen again.

 

It's like that. That's your BABY. It's really hard to get used to them growing up, especially during the time when they are fighting you on everything just to establish independence.

 

Maybe it gets easier when they get older...

[TranquilMind]

A lot of grown children still expect their parents to help them a lot but at the same time they want the respect their parents give to other independent adults.

 

This is really true.

 

My parents never gave me anything after the age of 18, not even college money (though I did have child of a disabled vet benefits, which was great). I borrowed money once or twice for big stuff like car repairs in my early 20's and made payments to them right on time, just as if they were creditors. Mom always told me that the X (our last name) Bank closes if the payments are late. I was never late.

 

She treated me like an adult. But I earned it.

[Mommyof4ks]

When adult children act like adults, then they should be treated as such. At 19 I was completely on my own, and i have not asked my parents a dime for college, a house, a car, or anything. The transition was rough, but my mom did adjust after a couple of years. I not yet have even older teens, but I can imagine it is hard for parents to let their little ones fly away.

[Bluegoat]

I think it is really easy for everyone to slip into the family roles they have grown used to over the years. That is parents, kids, the siblings and the role they play in the family.

[JumpyTheFrog]

MANY people are still treating their 11 year olds like 5yr olds and their 16year olds like 10 year olds. Then both parties seem to struggle more at 18 or 21 or whenever the kid is ready to exert some independence.

 

Can you give us some examples?

[WTMCassandra]

I find it interesting that most people interpret this question as applying to a grown child who still expects support/bailouts/etc.

 

I interpret this question through my own experience. How about an adult child who practically raised herself after age 12 and was a college graduate, financially independent, and married at 20?

 

Yes, that was me, and I am now 44 and my parents have still not gotten the memo.

 

I agree with kalanamak that some people like to control.

[Bluegoat]

Can you give us some examples?

 

I think that is becoming very common.

 

In my neighbourhood, there was an interesting example. The kids in elementary school in a particular area were bussed. When they switched to Jr High at 12 or 13 they were no longer bussed, and had to walk to school along a fairly busy multi-lane road, and cross the street. It did have sidewalks on both sides and their were traffic lights in many places to cross - it wasn't considered a dangerous area for pedestrians.

 

These parents got up in quite a stink because they did not want their middle school children walking on the sidewalk or crossing this busy road - they thought the city should provide bussing. (At an age when I was taking the bus to visit friends in another part of town).

 

And I have also noticed that at the local high school and jr high many many kids are now picked up from school, and almost all of them are in elementary. No riding bikes from home for these kids.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Can you give us some examples?

 

Please remember you asked :) LOL Also, please remember that we're talking about the 90some percent of people who are average because obviously, those outside of that may need some things controlled for longer or even forever.

 

Not negotiating negotiable things.

Not giving kids limited choices.

Controlling things to an extreme (bedtimes for older teens, for example).

Punishing to control children's behavior.

Not giving skills/tools so they can learn to control themselves.

Not allowing kids to make various mistakes (sleep, money, etc) while the consequences are small.

Not giving age or level appropriate freedoms.

 

One that I think made a big difference was giving them opportunities and responsibilities and letting them step up to them rather than holding them back to what a parent thinks they've earned. This was something forced upon us when my kids were preteens and I'm sooooooo thankful it worked out that way.

 

Anyway, one I thought of when I wrote my post earlier was the teen bedtime issue as I had just posted on that thread also. Though I do think that there are a few kids who need an absolute latest time period, I think that figuring out what they need bedtime wise is much better to be figured out at 14 than 18. Same with studying. Same with video games. Same with a LOT of things. Of course, it is a lot easier to give them these things to figure out when you've helped them all along the way with little things to think of and the consequences. For example, things like giving a 3yo the choice to wear or just carry his jacket when going to the park.

 

JMO, of course. YMMV :)