ma23peas Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 This weekend, dh and I saw his mother for the first time in 12 years. We had been forbidden to 'communicate' via his father who passed last week. We visited with her and my dh's sister's family for 3 hours. For the most part, it was tolerable...no mention of his father at all..oddly, his mother seemed very 'happy'...I think years of being under his oppression being lifted was a relief..but I don't know for sure. I had to endure a few comments that were just caddy and meant to do me injury..but I just smiled it away...it did not help that she has this habit of repeating many things over and over again...here are a few. (Dh has gained 80 pounds since we married 20 years ago, I am now 50 pounds more than I was when we married, but just this year have already lost 50 pounds so was pretty happy with where I'm at) His mother said that men look great with extra weight, but no woman ever has...(she said this about 5-6x and pierced me with her eyes each time) His mother said that men look good with gray hair (my dh is salt/pepper) then she asked if I had any and I said I really liked this streak of white in the front (I have very dark hair)...she said I better dye it quickly, it's not becoming of a woman to have white hair. (she said this only 2-3x) The first 8 out of 20 statements she made of us after not allowing us in her house for 12 years was "which baby was it that you would not let me hold and you told me he had to sleep? That made me so mad" Now..the true story is she and her husband had taken 12 hours to drive to spend a few days with us after our first born...(only a 6 hour trip)..my dh and I were starving and waiting for them..when they showed up they brought their luggage in and said they were going to go out to eat..we wanted to treat them and show them around our town (they had never been)..they refused and said they'd be back..6 hours later they showed up both stumbling drunk..walking into walls, unable to open doors and his mother ran right into my son's room and got him out of the bassinet and I got there right as she was stumbling with him (he was only a week old)...I was panicked, I nicely and I do mean nicely asked her to let him sleep I had just put him down. So, now I see she fixated on this one event and probably told all her family/friends her 'version'...it took all my wits to hold my tongue and not inform the 'rest' of the family the truth...My husband said he would have spoken up but knew it would only set her off... So I go from one dysfunctional setting to my own family's home..I have struggled trying to 'love' my mother over the years...she constantly maligns a dear grandmother I love taking every opportunity to speak very ill of her..while this grandmother has loved and shown love in more ways than any human I've met...it just stings. So, for some odd reason, she sides with my dh's mother on issues..just saying that she had to put up with much worse from my grandmother and I should not complain..which I was not trying to, but my sister asked how it went and I told her the good/the bad/the repeats...my mom denied believing dh's mother said any of those things, thank goodness my girls overheard her and they told her that not only did she say them 4-5x, it was more like 10-15x...so not only do I have to endure the slights from a mother who refused any contact from us (both she and dh are alcoholics and we simply said we would not bring our children over while they were drinking and that ended it for good from their position) but I have to take slights from my own mother who never calls, never asks about our kids unless I reach out and tell her...I just want so badly to have a Caroline Ingalls somewhere in my world of mothers...I try so hard to just ignore let it not get personal and love them through the persecution...I am just having a rough patch trying to pull out of this weekend's events. Any tips on how you've been able to deal with difficult personalities? Now, on the good side, my mom is the best 'host'..she goes out of her way to cook for all the family (all my siblings were there with their kids this weekend)...but just does not care to engage in our lives. My sister just said to accept her as she is, she will not change and how lucky our children are because we both have worked hard to be better mothers and we have changed the cycle...my father is a sweet man, but a workaholic..his tactic is just to avoid my mother and everything stays peaceful. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Why do you want a relationship with these people? Why does your DH want a relationship with these people? How is this a good situation for your children? Those are really hard questions but I think you need them of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 Why do you want a relationship with these people? Why does your DH want a relationship with these people? How is this a good situation for your children? Those are really hard questions but I think you need them of yourself. I spoke with dh today about it and said the same exact thing you said...then it comes back to what is good for them...his mother with all her faults loved seeing our children and hearing about their lives...it brings her joy...my kids said it was just awkward and they are not used to being around alcoholics so it made them a little uneasy, but they see that I am trying to show 'love' for a lady who had to endure a very dominant angry husband for a long time. Same with my mom, since my kids definitely did not have a grandma on my dh's side..mine is all they have...sure, she forgets their birthdays and gives them something a year late...but when they're at her house, they love being with the other cousins and I think it's good for them to love a grandma...because mine meant the world to me (which just irks my mother)...and I feel like we would be punishing my Dad if we just cut them out of our lives...I'm sure he's having to suffer this week..my mom told me that my dh better go to his father's funeral..she could not see it was out of respect that he chose not to b/c he knew it would ultimately infuriate his father if he went...my mom said you go for the living not for the dead, but when the living does not allow you in their home and does not send out a message you're welcome...sigh. And, I go back to the scripture that says love those who persecute you...I'm just trying to figure out how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 :grouphug: No advice. I really have no idea how to deal with it either. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 You can limit contact but still be loving. You don't have to be all dramatic about it and have a confrontation either. You can just quietly do it. You can and must limit their effects on your children. You should not discuss this with the parents at all. It is not up for debate. You can and really truly should put your mind more on the good relationships in your life than these bad ones. You can still have the bad relationships if you feel a moral obligation to do so, and but you don't have to think about them very much, and it is healthier not to focus on them, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 :grouphug: I'm really sorry you've had to put up with that, it sounds horrendous. I've endured similar treatment in the past, but not quite so extreme. Just reading it made my blood boil, I had to stop short of the end. I don't know really what to say, except don't let them treat you that way, you deserve so much better. :grouphug: Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted May 29, 2012 Author Share Posted May 29, 2012 I know it is hard when you just read the bad points of the weekend...because those are what stick out the most..my dh never talked the whole three hours, other than 2-3 words of agreement on topics...there were discussions around her dog who was adorable and the activities our kids like...dh's mother really enjoyed seeing them and tried hard to think of things to say to them, if there had been any abusive comments towards them, dh and I would easily march out...my girls were defensive of me and did not like the comments but we just tried to ignore them and change the subject...and I believe with all the years of alcohol abuse she really did not realize how often she repeated statements...she did that 12 years ago but usually more when she was drinking... Dh and I have always prayed for their hearts to soften, not sure I can do anything other than lower my expectations and let God figure a way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 My sister just said to accept her as she is, she will not change and how lucky our children are because we both have worked hard to be better mothers and we have changed the cycle... This!!! My mom is an alcoholic crossed with a holy preacher if you can imagine that! She drinks right after her pot of coffee in the morning. If I do talk to her (which is very rare) she preaches to me about Jehovah (I have 100% nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses for the record, my beloved grandmother is very devoutly JW and I have studied with them most of my whole life) I just don't want to hear a drunk preaching to me about them. I choose not to allow my children around her. I choose not to let my children think that alcohol/drunkenness is a normal part of life. I choose not to be preached to or "condemned" by an alcoholic because I have stopped studying with JW and choose instead a nondenominational church. My mom also comments about stupid stuff like "Are your ankles swollen?"...nope, just fat! "I can fit into pants that your sister wore when she was 12." Yep, that's what happens when you drink your dinner from a can. (my replies are all in my head of course but I would love to say them!) Take your sister's advice, accept that she isn't going to change (either one of your mothers that is) and move on. Choose who you have in your life that lifts you up, not drags you down. Eleanor Roosevelt said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't give anyone that consent! I invited my mom over after Thanksgiving (my sister invited her to her house on TG and she didn't show up). I invited her to come up for coffee and see our new house (which we bought 7 months prior to TG). She came, stood the whole time and was astounded when she saw our homeschool room. She said "You homeschool your kids?" I about peed myself! This is our 3rd year of homeschooling and she just now knows about it! I usually speak to her on her birthday and Mother's day and honestly....I usually pray I get the answering machine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 I would change my phone number, the locks on my doors and tell them all to GoTo... I would not allow people in my life that make me feel that way. My parents were not quite that bad, but they were definitely not The Cleavers. Or the Ingalls. Fortunately, they passed away 15 years ago. But I had already distanced myself as much as I could, as an only child with chronically ill parents. I have distanced myself from friends and family who still think my parents were The Most Wonderfulest People in the World. Because they were blind to all the crap. And it just ends up as a heated discussion, to say the least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawndrese Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Dh and I have always prayed for their hearts to soften, not sure I can do anything other than lower my expectations and let God figure a way. And, I go back to the scripture that says love those who persecute you...I'm just trying to figure out how. :iagree: This exactly! And what an amazing person you are for seeing things this way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Dang, what a mess. I'm sorry you have to put up with that. I'd share my mom with you if I could. 8( You were a lot nicer than I would have been. I think I would have replied "Oh yeah, you mean that time you were drunk on your butt and juggling the baby???" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 duplicate. fat fingers. ignore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) That is just so sad. Edited May 30, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyMama Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Oh, I'm so sorry! What a yucky place to be! Have you heard of the book Adult Children of Dysfunction? I've read it recently in trying to process things about my dad's alcoholism. It was very therapeutic. But, most importantly, you cannot change them. You cannot fix them. And, yes, you have to decide what boundaries you are comfortable making. I had cousins I loved, as did my husband, and we wanted that for our kids. But the only cousins my kids have are kids his brother conceived in high school and then abandoned. Their moms don't really care to be a part of our lives (understandably.) So we've had to come to the realization that we can't put our kids in forced relationships out of nostalgia. I know you want your kids to have fabulous grandmas but it doesn't look like it will be what you had. Hang in there! And way to break the cycle!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) double post Edited May 30, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Dang, what a mess. I'm sorry you have to put up with that. I'd share my mom with you if I could. 8( You were a lot nicer than I would have been. I think I would have replied "Oh yeah, you mean that time you were drunk on your butt and juggling the baby???" Or, "The time you tried to juggle baby when you were drunk on your butt, and I ever-so-gently- body -checked you into the bathroom?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 I would change my phone number, the locks on my doors and tell them all to GoTo... I would not allow people in my life that make me feel that way. My parents were not quite that bad, but they were definitely not The Cleavers. Or the Ingalls. Fortunately, they passed away 15 years ago. But I had already distanced myself as much as I could, as an only child with chronically ill parents. I have distanced myself from friends and family who still think my parents were The Most Wonderfulest People in the World. Because they were blind to all the crap. And it just ends up as a heated discussion, to say the least. :grouphug: I'm at this point with my mother and it's hard because one of my sisters still talks to her. I get a big guilt trip for not being involved in her life but honestly - I'm done with voluntarily having anything to do with bad people. I'm not going to have that around my husband or kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 While you may long for the Ingalls/Cleaver type of relationship, it's not realistic to expect that. It is hard for older people to change; it just is. We can want, dream, fantasize about the perfect relationship, but it is what it is. Think instead of what a blessing you are giving your children. You knew what you didn't want for them, and you and your dh have created a great home life for them. Because you have exposed them to "the other side", they can appreciate firsthand what they have at home: two loving parents who are devoted to their children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) I'm having trouble with the willingness to overlook the bad, here, or "defend" with "there was also bland, inoffensive conversation"... For 12 years, a third party blocks communication. Fine. Chalk that up to keeping the peace with a "difficult" person. But when that wall comes tumbling down, and everyone can breathe and sit together, the first inclination is to catch up on all the years of insulting you she's missed? No, sorry. That is not normal. Even normal toxic people should be able to keep their pleasant mask on for the first visit. She probably also didn't threaten anyone with a knife, but I don't think that moves the interaction over into the positive column, either. While you may long for the Ingalls/Cleaver type of relationship, it's not realistic to expect that. It is hard for older people to change; it just is. We can want, dream, fantasize about the perfect relationship, but it is what it is. I agree with this. You hurt yourself when you hold on to a fantasy like this. And your family. People like these - regardless of their underlying issues - generally don't change, regardless of their age. For whatever reason, they feel entitled to treat people badly. Edited May 30, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 For 12 years, a third party blocks communication. Fine. Chalk that up to keeping the peace with a "difficult" person. But when that wall comes tumbling down, and everyone can breathe and sit together, the first inclination is to catch up on all the years of insulting you she's missed? No, sorry. That is not normal. Even normal toxic people should be able to keep their pleasant mask on for the first visit. She probably also didn't threaten anyone with a knife, but I don't think that moves the interaction over into the positive column, either. I agree...to be honest, she may have already had some to drink by the time we got there in the early am...so we're not dealing with 'normal' nice people...but those with deep issues of control and misgivings...I was actually proud that she could finally get off of me and show some interest in the kids...they handled her questions very well...she asked them the same ones over and over again...so we just all did a lot of smiling and answering. I spoke again to my sister today and she asked me to call my mother about something, I just told her I can not go there right now...I need a mental break from it all and to focus on the blessings I do have in friends and family...and I need to learn to not engage and just avoid conversations that I know she will want to jump in and attack. My dh said he read a book about children of alcoholics and all the signs were him...so sad, but so encouraging to know that he recognizes it and knows it's not him but them. :( Thanks for all your words, sometimes you just need to step out of the battle zone to get perspective! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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