If you had kids at very different life stages...

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I doubt this will make any sense since its all just random thinking.

 

I had dd at 17. Ds at 21. Neither were planned and i learned along the way and am still learning.

 

If, at some point, i get married or am in a looooong term stable relationship, i like the idea of one or more kids. This is not my current situation, but i already feel bad. Almost like my 2 wonderful kids were my "practice" kids.

 

Please tell me that someone has been through this! How did you work out that thinking? There are so many things i would different and that makes me feel terrible.

[Gingerbread Mama]

I understand what you mean. I can't ever have more children, due to a hysterectomy, so the point is moot for me. Sometimes, though, I think how I wish I could have another child, knowing what I know *now* about raising children, and then I feel bad for the same reason you mentioned above. Almost like, "Well, I've gotten myself broken in on those. Now let's try the real thing." I know it WOULDN'T be that way, but right after I think about how I would do things differently (or the same, but perhaps MORE), I have this knee-jerk guilty feeling.

 

I had my kids at 21, 24, and 25... As I approach 35 (!) I think that there are things I would do differently as a mom at this point in my life. I do remember thinking that my mother was so OLD (she had me at 30) when I was younger, and my children don't seem to think that of me. It may just be that I'm a very different turn of person than my mother was, or it may be, indeed, a side effect of having had children in my early 20's.

 

OTOH, most people with more than one will tell you that you are constantly learning on your older children and applying that to the next one. That's one of the benefits (or drawbacks, if Mom has learned not to let a kid do something) of being the "baby".

Edited April 6, 2012 by Gingerbread Mama

[Seeker of Schole]

I had my oldest at 20, and then had my second at age 33. There are things I do differently, and will continue to do differently with my youngest. I don't see it as practice, just as different. They are growing up with different circumstances, which require different things from them. It's not bad, or wrong, it just is what it is.

 

Sorry, that may not help much, but that's how I look at it... It would be bad if we didn't learn from our first children and correct those issues for the rest.

 

Also, my sister and I are two years apart - so without the age difference - but were raised differently just due to a combination of my parents 'relaxing' after the first one and the differences in our personalities.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you both.

[*********]

I doubt this will make any sense since its all just random thinking.

 

I had dd at 17. Ds at 21. Neither were planned and i learned along the way and am still learning.

 

If, at some point, i get married or am in a looooong term stable relationship, i like the idea of one or more kids. This is not my current situation, but i already feel bad. Almost like my 2 wonderful kids were my "practice" kids.

 

Please tell me that someone has been through this! How did you work out that thinking? There are so many things i would different and that makes me feel terrible.

 

Well, take a look at my siggy. My dh could be you. :D Dh was 17 when dsd was born. He never married his older children's mother.

 

Yes, my boys are being raised very different than his older children. But that's more because the stepkids only spend 1/3 of their time here. Their mother is the primary influence in their life. They go to public school from her house. She does not share our religious convictions.

 

Yes, it's hard. For everyone. But we get along. We do the best we can. Just because you had kids young doesn't mean you can't have kids when you're older and have it all work out.

[cathmom]

Every child is different. You may think you know what you would do with a new child, but that child would have his/her own personality and might require completely different things.

 

:grouphug:

[LaxMom]

Well, my 11 & 7 y.o.s have a very different mother than my 23 y.o. did as a kid. I wouldn't say she was a practice kid, but 18 and 30 are very different life stages to have little people. At 41, I'm still learning about this parenting thing. :D

[Momma2Many66]

I had my first child also at 17 years old and my second child at 21. I got married to their father when I was 19 and it was a rough marraige for sure ! I was way too young for marraige and way to insecure to stick up for myself and not allow him to treat me badly.

 

When I was older and wiser at age 26, I left the marraige and that was the beginning of my "new life" to recreate myself and to make a better life for my children.

 

I went back to school, got a full time factory job and made myself very independent and strong. I wanted to "be the man" that I was "someday" looking for in my life. I wanted to never allow anyone to disrespect me and treat me badly again.

 

I wanted my children to see a "strong mother" and not one that was weak or inefficient and let others treat her badly.

 

I bought my own home, paid off all debt, bought myself a car and found a good paying job. My self resepect, self worth and self esteem soared ! :001_smile:

 

Four years later I met a wonderful man. A real man, a man that treated me and my two children incredibly ! I married him and we added 4 more children to our family. I was 32, 34, 36 and 38 when they were born. We have been very happily married now for almost 17 years this October.

 

I don't consider my first two children as "practice kids" but in reality those two children helped to "raise me" also. I became better for having had them, I became a better parent for having them in my life.

 

They made me realize that I "mattered" and I "deserved better" because I wanted that for them. I would not be the mother or person I am today without my first two children. I grew up right along with them, we grew up together and we are all better for it !

 

My oldest two children are now 28 and 24 years old. I am a much different parent to my youngest 4 children then I was with my oldest two. I am a better parent because I was already "strong and sure of myself" when they came along. They didn't "know me" before when I was still so young and naive. I am also a better parent because I learned so much from raising my oldest two children and I learned what I did and didn't want to do over again with the younger set. With each child I grow as a parent, there is always something new each additional child brings to the table and something new that I find out about myself while raising them.

Edited April 7, 2012 by Momma2Many66

[staceyobu]

Almost like my 2 wonderful kids were my "practice" kids.

 

 

I think the first ones are practice kids no matter what. :tongue_smilie: Sometimes I think it's harder to parent in your thirties than in your early twenties. There are pros and cons to each.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I wanted more kids....so a year ago, I started fostering (and will eventually get "the three" adopted). My biological kids were 18 and almost 16 when we started so we were really starting over. There is a 10½ year difference between my son and the oldest little. Of course, we may get an older kid one day that would bridge that gap a little.

 

OH, so I scrolled up and it looks like I was reading it as if the KIDS were at very different life stages....

 

So the first time around, I was 17 and 20 when my kids were born (and there was one inbetween also). So I was quite a different person than starting over at 36.

 

And talk about different life stages? There is a couple in our subdivision with a 35yo and an almost 3 yo.

Even my mom (who isn't old by any stretch) has considered that she may foster or adopt preteens or teens one day. She had my brother and me at 18 and 20.

[sagira]

I had my first child also at 17 years old and my second child at 21. I got married to their father when I was 19 and it was a rough marraige for sure ! I was way too young for marraige and way to insecure to stick up for myself and not allow him to treat me badly.

 

When I was older and wiser at age 26, I left the marraige and that was the beginning of my "new life" to recreate myself and to make a better life for my children.

 

I went back to school, got a full time factory job and made myself very independent and strong. I wanted to "be the man" that I was "someday" looking for in my life. I wanted to never allow anyone to disrespect me and treat me badly again.

 

I wanted my children to see a "strong mother" and not one that was weak or inefficient and let others treat her badly.

 

I bought my own home, paid off all debt, bought myself a car and found a good paying job. My self resepect, self worth and self esteem soared ! :001_smile:

 

Four years later I met a wonderful man. A real man, a man that treated me and my two children incredibly ! I married him and we added 4 more children to our family. I was 32, 34, 36 and 38 when they were born. We have been very happily married now for almost 17 years this October.

 

I don't consider my first two children as "practice kids" but in reality those two children helped to "raise me" also. I became better for having had them, I became a better parent for having them in my life.

 

They made me realize that I "mattered" and I "deserved better" because I wanted that for them. I would not be the mother or person I am today without my first two children. I grew up right along with them, we grew up together and we are all better for it !

 

My oldest two children are now 28 and 24 years old. I am a much different parent to my youngest 4 children then I was with my oldest two. I am a better parent because I was already "strong and sure of myself" when they came along. They didn't "know me" before when I was still so young and naive. I am also a better parent because I learned so much from raising my oldest two children and I learned what I did and didn't want to do over again with the younger set. With each child I grow as a parent, there is always something new each additional child brings to the table and something new that I find out about myself while raising them.

 

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

[gardenmom5]

I was a young married when 1dd was born and youngest was born the year *she* graduated from college. (and I was in my 40's and we get asked if we're the grandparents). back in the beginning, when it was just the three of us, I felt like we were playing house because it felt so incomplete. (dh recently had many congratulations we've been married 30 years - to us, it seems like no time at all and we're barely getting started. if that makes sense.)

 

Just the fact *you* are getting older changes your perceptions and will change how you parent any future children. circumstances change with time too.

 

I have my four older kids and 12 1/2 years later our little bonus. their childhoods are very different, because our circumstances are different. My perspective on things is different. the olders grew up with siblings to play with - in practical reality, youngest is an only. things change over time and are just different.

[StartingOver]

I had my first at 19, and my last at 39. The older children and grew up together. It is awesome that we get to be parents together now. I have three in their 20's and two little ones. We all think it is perfect. My older children often comment that they are more comfortable since they know my house is kid proof. They can just let the kids run, and enjoy their time here.:lol::lol:

[Tarreymere]

I was 19 with my first and 42 with my sixth. Personally, I think they are all 'practice kids'! I think I'm better with some things with the later kids, like patience, and I KNOW I had more energy and endurance with the younger ones and that I was more likely to go out and do things with them.

 

But I have always felt I was still learning. Their personalities and quirks are all so different that just when I would think I had kids figured out I would have another and find out I really had a lot more to learn.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

:grouphug:

 

I had DD at 20, and also would eventually like more kids (bio, or through adoption). But since I am in school, the earliest it would happen would be when I'm 35-36!! I know there are things that I would do differently, but I don't think you every do it 'perfectly', so in that sense they are all practice kids!!!

[BlsdMama]

I think the first ones are practice kids no matter what. :tongue_smilie: Sometimes I think it's harder to parent in your thirties than in your early twenties. There are pros and cons to each.

 

I had Ana when I was 19. I had Olivia when I was 34. I had babies in between as well.

 

I listen better now. I have more patience now. Ana benefited from having a Mama concentrate on her and who had non-stop energy to get down and play tag, lol.

 

I barely felt being pregnant then... I definitely *FEEL* nights spent up nursing and not getting as much sleep now, lol.

 

Everyone has regrets.

For a long time I regretted not being more lenient with Ana. Now, at a different stage, I wish I had continued to be that way with the others, lol. Give me ten more years and I'll wish I had done it all differently again. What is that but wasted energy being anxious? ENJOY the children no matter what stage you're at. Be grateful you have them. That's the only real secret. :D

[Tap]

Sure you will be a different parent, but for better or worse, as long as you are giving them your best, it wll all work out in the end.

 

I had kids at 22, 26, and adopted at 36. I was a very different parent to my oldest, but a lot of the things I am more lenient on, don't affect him, they only affect me. I don't worry as much about little things like colds or coughs. I don't iron dd5s clothes like I did ds's. I don't make sure socks match outfits. I don't worry if she has hotdogs for lunch, 5 days in a row, I just make sure to buy high quality ones. I no longer hand make Halloween costumes, I buy them at the store. I could go on and on.

 

The things that matter most to me, I continue to make a priority. Each of my children are radically different and need me to parent them Very different. My older kids laugh at me, being strict with dd5, because they know I put on a rough/tough show for dd5 sometimes to make her think I am upset. She doesn't read emotions on peoples faces, so we have to over exaggerate sometimes to help her understand how her actions affect others. They know I am not that kind of parent, so they laugh at me. LOL

 

I have less time for one-on-one with dd5 because I have 3 children. But she also gets time with 2 older siblings. I don't think it is a better/worse option, it is just different.

[ChandlerMom]

That you feel this way just means that YOU are learning and growing. If you would "do everything the same"...well, that would mean you'd have learned nothing as a parent and that would be pretty sad. Everything you have learned so far is benefiting your kids now. Focus on how what you have learned makes you a better parent to the kids you have now and *if* down the road you have more kids, know that yes, you will be a better parent because of your experience and that is a GOOD thing.

 

Even with 1,000 lifetimes of parenting, you'd never be perfect, so just continue to strive to do your best. Instead of feeling guilty because you didn't start your parenting journey knowing all the answers, feel good that the fact you can acknowledge past mistakes means you are putting your current kids ahead of your ego (not all parents do), are humble enough to know you are not perfect and are willing to learn.