If your children are spaced 4-5 years or more...

[AndyJoy]

If your children are spaced 4-5 years or more, whether by circumstances or choice, could you give me some encouragement? What do you like about this spacing?

 

I always thought I'd have 3 or 4 kids fairly close in age, but for various reasons I'm thinking about holding off for a while. Between my recent miscarriage, possible job changes, and the high energy level of my son we're thinking about waiting to have another child. DS is 2.5, so if we wait a year or so, he'll be at least 4.5.

 

I enjoy the one-on-one time I have with my son and feel a bit of a weight lifted knowing I won't have two in diapers. I figure he will be getting more and more independent, so by the time I have another he'll not want me to be so close anyway. But I'm sad at the same time and aching a bit for a baby. My imaginary mental picture of my family didn't include such a large gap, so I could use some help realigning my thoughts!

[redsquirrel]

my boys are almost 5 years apart. It wasn't how we wanted it, but it is how it worked out.

 

Honestly, I really like it. I got to concentrate on one child at a time during the toddler years. I didn't have to deal with sibling rivalry, my almost 5 year old wasn't phased by a sibling. When I was up all night nursing a new baby, my older son was quite able to take care of himself in the morning.

 

For homeschooling it is great. I have one in the logic stage and one in the grammar stage. The younger doesn't have a long day of lessons and can easily have his lessons worked around his brother's schedule. My elder does quite a lot on his own, giving me plenty of time to focus on the younger child's lessons. When my eldest is off to college I will be able to focus in on the younger for his whole high school career.

 

I think it would be different if my kids were in public school. They wouldn't know each other due to being so far apart in age. Right now, I would have a 6th grader and a 1st grader. They wouldn't even be in the same building. With homeschooling, they are the best of friends.

[didadeewiththree]

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart. We grew up having so much fun together; I only wish that we would have been homeschooled, that way we would've had more time together other than afterschool and summers:)

[MomatHWTK]

My youngest gets all kinds of love, guidance and attention. My olders get to delight in having a baby in the house and learn to care for a child. My middle DS, got to be replaced as the baby of the family and has a few issues with that. ;) But he is learning to enjoy being a big brother. My oldest and my middle two also get to experience multi-age interaction and learn from one another.

[Carrie12345]

Most of my kids fall just short of 4 years apart. (3y9m, 13m, 3y10m, and 3y7.5m)

I've really enjoyed that gap (13m nearly killed me!), and I don't think 6 months to a year more have made any difference at all.

[raesrose]

Mine are 12 years apart, not by choice. It was infinitely helpful to me to have a second set of hands to help out. They are like siblings in some ways, and like two only children in others. But there is no sibling rivalry, no vying for attention, as mentioned by others here. I'm not sure how I would have done with more than one in diapers at a time, so in hindsight, my situation was perfect for me. Whatever happens for you, go with the strengths and enjoy it! :D

[Mom-ninja.]

My last baby was born when my oldest was 8 and the middle ds was 5. I didn't want babies close in age. I like it. It's nice having an older child that is more independent while having a baby/toddler.

 

My sister and I are 8 years apart and we're best friends. :001_smile:

[higginszoo]

My last 2 are 4 years 1 mo apart, but this has always seemed like a huge gap in comparison because my other gaps are 13 mo and 17 mo. I had infertility and multiple miscarriages before my oldest and between #3 and #4. My first miscarried baby in the second group would have been less than a year younger than my third.

 

It has worked out pretty well, though it was a lot more like starting over than before, when I still had a baby when the next one appeared (the older group were all in diapers together).

 

The younger two (7 and 11 now) do play together a good bit, and even combine in their schooling off and on (they both did SOTW -- though the 11 year old picked up the pace and the littler one didn't follow along as well that way ... now that we're doing just American History this year, they'll be combining some elementary materials again while the older two do an AP level course.)

 

One of my lifelong best friends has a 5 1/2 year gap between her 1st and 2nd and 2nd and 3rd. She uses brick and mortar schools, so she had a lot more time to focus on the early years with each child individually, and the older children were big enough to be of help with the new one. Her dc are 17, 12, 6 and 3 now, and they're all close, even the oldest and youngest, in spite of the 14 year age difference.

 

Any spacing is going to have its advantages and disadvantages, if you even have the luxury of picking spacing.

[Tarreymere]

I have two girls who are a year apart (I do NOT recommend that), then a ten year gap until a boy (only did that because I was widowed and later remarried). Starting with that boy I have another three birth kids all four years apart.

I found that three to four years apart worked the best for me for birth children. By the age of three or four the youngest child was potty trained, weaned, and starting to be more independent and was less likely to be upset or very jealous over the arrival of a new sibling. It was like they all had Mama to themselves long enough to feel really super secure. Plus I wasn't as tired this way either since I felt like I had a chance to get caught up on my sleep before the next newborn came along.

[mom2att]

My first two are 4.5 years apart. My plan before children was to have more like a 2 year gap, but I really loved the time I got to spend with my oldest as an only for most of her preschool years. My second born has been a challenge from birth, so it was nice to have my oldest past the baby/toddler stage when my second was born because he required so much of me.

 

My second and third are almost exactly 3 years apart. I really can't imagine closer spacing--obviously I was not cut out for two babies at once or a baby and a toddler at the same time!

[Dandelion]

My kids are 4.5 years apart.

 

It's been perfect for us, as my oldest was extremely challenging as a toddler (he was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome). It would have been difficult to have a second child any earlier. Now that DS8 has matured and mellowed out a bit, he's able to be a much better big brother than he would have been before. The kids have a good relationship and play together a lot. It hasn't been an issue for us.

 

I also agree with the various other benefits previous posters have mentioned (not having two in diapers at the same time, etc.).

[danybug]

My oldest are 6 years apart. This was not by choice, but it was a blessing for us. I was able to enjoy them both in different ways having different amounts of one on one time enjoying their separate ages and interests. I could focus in and enjoy them where they were at. And having an older child has been such a blessing for me in a selfish way. My ds has been such a help to me. If I ever go on errands with my little two without him I miss his helping hands terribly ;)

[readinmom]

Like the above poster, all of our dc are six years apart. Eldest son was in 1st grade when ds #2 was born; our dd came along 6 years later.

 

Our children are very close, but their relationship has changed over the years. When our oldest left for school, the two younger ones became even closer.

The age span has given us time to focus on each one individually without having to choose between them, like one's game or another's performance, etc.

[trlt]

My sons are 5 years apart and I really enjoyed that. They both got a lot of individual time with me and I cherished it! Now that they are older they hang out together all the time. It is easier to deal with certain things because I don't have two boys going through the early teen years at the same time.

[EKS]

My kids are 5.5 years apart. I think there has been less conflict between them because of this. I think it also was easier to have the older one not a baby or toddler when the second one came around. Also, we won't be putting two kids through college at the same time. We held off because the first one was very exhausting.

 

The downside is that they are at very different stages so what is fun for a 10yo is not going to be fun (necessarily) for a 5yo. Also you're dealing with little kid issues for 10+ years, but people with more kids are also dealing with this.

[SkateLeft]

Only my oldest two are close in age. The other kids are spread out, but it's really not an issue at all. They're all still close. My boys are 5 years apart, and they get along great. My 13 year old and my 6 year old are inseparable most of the time. They have a wonderful relationship. It's worked out just fine.

[laughing lioness]

I only had one baby and one toddler at a time.

Each one of my kids has had their fair share of being "the baby"- getting held and carried around for forever.

Our kids have rarely had outside babysitters (once I began homeschooling).

[KidsHappen]

If I had planned my kids they would be 5 to 7 years apart. I think I would have gotten to enjoy each one through toddlerhood more and it would have been so much easier. Most of my kids were about 3 years apart and I really didn't get to enjoy them at ages 3-5 as much as I think I could have because I had my hands full with the next baby. Numbers 3 & 4 were only 16 months apart and I think that they both feel like they didn't get as much attention as they would have liked.

 

Plus if you intend to limit your number of children at all spacing them out more allows you to have babies for a longer period of time so that you don't end up with baby fever at age 40 and not really being in a position to do much about it. So say you want four children, I would recommend having the first at 25, and then 30, 35 and 40. So by then time the last one is 5 you are 45 and ready to move on to your next phase of life. Of course, if you want more children then you would have to start earlier of have closer spacing and if you wanted to put it in God's hands then you won't even be asking the question.

[akmommy]

My two oldest are almost 5 years apart. It wasn't planned that way, but it was a great age gap. Older Dd was old enough she could dress and do many other things herself making day to day life just a bit easier for me. They were never rivals or competitors because they were always at different stages. The downside of a large age gap is that it can be tough sometimes to find things that the older would enjoy that the youngers can do.

 

The middle and and the youngest are 2 years and a week apart. I do wish my middle had had more time to be the baby. DS was a difficult and demanding baby so finding the time I wanted to be able to spend one on one with the middle was really difficult and I was one stressed momma his first year or so.

Edited March 22, 2012 by akmommy

[ereks mom]

I have two children, and they are 4 yr 3 mo apart (planned that way); and because of the way their birthdays fall, 5 grade levels apart. They didn't get along well when they were younger, but now they are very close, despite the fact that the 21yo is male and the 17yo is female. The transformation from mortal enemies to best friends occurred when EK was about 11 and ER was about 15. He's away at college now, but they call each other for advice and support, and when he comes home, they set aside time to spend together, just the two of them.

[Donna]

My boys are close together (23 months) but the age difference between my middle and my youngest is almost 5 years. My life was a blur when I had two close together. I think I was in "survival mode" for the first year of my middle ds's life. LOL

 

When my dd came along it was like having a 1st child all over again. I ended up spending a couple months on bed rest and my boys were old enough to help out a little bit or at least get out lunch my husband made or slap some PB&J on bread for themselves. I didn't have to worry about a big child climbing into the baby swing or tipping the basinet...they were old enough to know better. No one poked at dd's eyes or squeezed her face. I could get a shower now and then with an older child to listen for the baby's crying.

 

There are benefits in either situation and if you look at those benefits rather than worry about what you might be missing out on, then you'll enjoy whatever situation you are in.