Ginevra Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 It's probably PMS, but I'm dwelling on this little issue and it's dragging me down. Quick background: my four SILs are all older than me, at least by a little bit. As each has turned 40, someone got it together and organized everyone to go out to dinner for the birthday girl. Even when one SIL was going through cancer, it was organized, just a little bit later. Even when another SIL had a baby two weeks before she turned 40, it still happened, though a few months late. So, now I'm sure you know where this is going... To be fair, when I was turning 40 (April, 2011), one SIL did say, "When do you want to go out for your 40th?" I had a lot going on in my life and said, "It would be really great if we could wait a couple of months because things are totally hectic right now." Since then, each SIL has mentioned it at least once, but nobody has ever orchestrated it. Last summer, one even asked for clarification, "Do you actually want to go out for your 40th?" and I said, "Yes! Definitely. But I can't really organize my own dinner, so I'm just waiting for somebody to get it together." (Crickets chirping.) Pretty soon, it will be moot. I just feel unimportant right now, because I'm dwelling on this slight. I will see one SIL (the one who originally asked me) tomorrow and I have a feeling this might possibly come up, because it's going to be my birthday again before long. Would you mention that you were feeling hurt about it if you me? (If it comes up.) Would you plan a date immediately should it come up and just brush off feeling hurt about the delay? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 yes. plan something. And say something, like "Hey, when do you think and Susie and Joanne want to take me out. I've been looking forward to it since things calmed down at home." don't wait for anyone to bring it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MSNative Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 If they are asking you about it, why do you feel unimportant? It sounds like they wanted to do something and it just didn't work with your schedule. If someone asks, then pick a date and let them plan it. Otherwise, feel free to pick the date and start arranging it yourself. If nothing else is going on, then their lives are probably just as busy as yours and it is not on the top of their radar. Your SILs like you, wanted to take you out and are continuing to ask. My bet is that this is a PMS emotion. I prescribe a glass of wine and some chocolate. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Do you know that the other SILs didn't answer a bit more specifically when asked the same questions? I would expect you to answer "Yes, how about __(a couple of optional dates)__? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Tell them yes and give them some dates/good days of when you'd like to go. Maybe even give some suggestions of where to go/things to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I would mention how much you're looking forward to 41 and hope you can do a dinner to celebrate that. I would not bring up the hurt, because then I'd wonder if they were doing it out of pity or obligation. I'd rather eat some crow and have a good time that feel otherwise. Yes, I know what you mean about feeling slighted, I'd feel the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 :grouphug: I wouldn't mention I was hurt. I'd mention that you are so ready to get out have some fun with the girls and do a little belated celebrating. I agree with MSNative :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 If they are asking you about it, why do you feel unimportant? It sounds like they wanted to do something and it just didn't work with your schedule. If someone asks, then pick a date and let them plan it. Otherwise, feel free to pick the date and start arranging it yourself. If nothing else is going on, then their lives are probably just as busy as yours and it is not on the top of their radar. Your SILs like you, wanted to take you out and are continuing to ask. My bet is that this is a PMS emotion. I prescribe a glass of wine and some chocolate. :) Because it was as though it was left to me to bring it up. For example, SIL "MA" said in an e-mail to me in July, before we were all getting together for something else, "...and we need to pick a place for your 40th dinner!" So I replied back, "Great!" But then, nothing was said once we were together, so I felt awkward. Should I have cleared my throat and said, "Ahem. About my dinner. I want to go to X."? That just feels wrong to me. It feels like I'm taking over my own party. Your chocolate suggestion is not a bad one, though. ;) Do you know that the other SILs didn't answer a bit more specifically when asked the same questions? I would expect you to answer "Yes, how about __(a couple of optional dates)__? For other SILs, it was typically one of them e-mailing everybody including the birthday girl and saying, "So, we need to go to dinner for Birthday Girl! Birthday Girl, where do you want to go? When?" And then, everyone was putting it together in the e-mail and it happened. But for me, it's always been only one asking about it at a time, so it always felt like it was not appropriate. Darn. It's me not getting the last slice of pie again because I didn't want to be too pushy. :nopity: I would mention how much you're looking forward to 41 and hope you can do a dinner to celebrate that. I would not bring up the hurt, because then I'd wonder if they were doing it out of pity or obligation. I'd rather eat some crow and have a good time that feel otherwise. Yes, I know what you mean about feeling slighted, I'd feel the same way. That is a good idea. And I am worried about the pity part now. I almost told my MIL (she usually comes also), but then it would definitely be for pity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I would mention how much you're looking forward to 41 and hope you can do a dinner to celebrate that. I would not bring up the hurt, because then I'd wonder if they were doing it out of pity or obligation. I'd rather eat some crow and have a good time that feel otherwise. Yes, I know what you mean about feeling slighted, I'd feel the same way. :iagree: Thou I agree qith elegantlion, I also understand your hurt.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Because it was as though it was left to me to bring it up. For example, SIL "MA" said in an e-mail to me in July, before we were all getting together for something else, "...and we need to pick a place for your 40th dinner!" So I replied back, "Great!" But then, nothing was said once we were together, so I felt awkward. Should I have cleared my throat and said, "Ahem. About my dinner. I want to go to X."? That just feels wrong to me. It feels like I'm taking over my own party. Your chocolate suggestion is not a bad one, though. ;) For other SILs, it was typically one of them e-mailing everybody including the birthday girl and saying, "So, we need to go to dinner for Birthday Girl! Birthday Girl, where do you want to go? When?" And then, everyone was putting it together in the e-mail and it happened. But for me, it's always been only one asking about it at a time, so it always felt like it was not appropriate. Darn. It's me not getting the last slice of pie again because I didn't want to be too pushy. :nopity: That is a good idea. And I am worried about the pity part now. I almost told my MIL (she usually comes also), but then it would definitely be for pity. :grouphug: They're family. They want to do something for your birthday. They've brought it up more than once. The rules about not being "pushy" don't apply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 :grouphug: I say put together an UNBirthday party and go celebrate. Invite your SIL and have fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 It seems to me that the dinner has been brought up to you at least five different times, and you refused to say where or when you would like to go, when this is obviously needed information (maybe they felt like they were hearing crickets chirping too, waiting on you to elaborate). They have lives, too. If you're not interested enough to help them out on logistics, then it seems like you are not interested in the dinner. Just my two cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Sounds like the ball is in your court, regardless of how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with it. (And if one is expressed uncertainty about whether or not you even wanted it, that is one indication that you may be taking less initiative than expected. If the other women named their preferred location and you have not, that is another indication that you may be taking less initiative than expected.) CC them all on an e-mail that clearly states, "I'm a little late getting back to you guys, but I would LOVE to go to Chuckie Cheese with all you lovely women to celebrate my 40th birthday. Does the the second or third Saturday next month work for y'all?" Then let the good times roll! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) If your upcoming birthday does comes up in conversation, say "Hey, since we missed my 40th, how about we get together for my 41st instead. I have been really looking forward to getting together with everyone but time just got away from me!" Or...."wow, can you believe that it has been a year already! Do you think we still have time to get together before I turn 41?" If the person agrees then say "Wonderful! I can email you with some dates that I am free, and we can all compare schedules." Edited February 29, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 It seems to me that the dinner has been brought up to you at least five different times, and you refused to say where or when you would like to go, when this is obviously needed information (maybe they felt like they were hearing crickets chirping too, waiting on you to elaborate). They have lives, too. If you're not interested enough to help them out on logistics, then it seems like you are not interested in the dinner. Just my two cents. I didn't refuse to say where or when. :confused: It was always mentioned by just one SIL, in the absence of the others, so then it always felt awkward for me to then gather everyone together and say, "Hello! Everybody, listen to me now. I would like you all to take me out to dinner on Friday at Ruby Tuesdays." Blech! That is so gauche! Besides, that was not what anyone did before. In the past, one SIL put forth the organizing effort to make it happen. If your upcoming birthday is comes up in conversation say "Hey, since we missed my 40th, how about we get together for my 41st instead. I have been really looking forward to getting together with everyone but time just got away from me!" Or...."wow, can you believe that it has been a year already! Do you think we still have time to get together before I turn 41?" If the person agrees then say "Wonderful! I can email you with some dates that I am free, and we can all compare schedules." This is do-able. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) Sounds like you're definitely over thinking this! Each of them has said something to you, and they all want to go out with you! It sounds like they've just each been waiting to hear what works for your schedule or aren't sure what you want to do or when, etc. I think you can safely take the matter into your own hands without worrying in the slightest about them feeling you are being "pushy." Just email and say in a matter-of-fact but light-hearted way, "Okay girls, now that I've let nearly a year go by without finding time in the schedule to celebrate my 40th, think we can squeeze in that "40th" birthday dinner on or before my 41st? :) Here are some dates that I have available. Are you guys free?" They'll ask where, you'll tell them. No biggie. Go! Have fun! It sounds like everybody had the best of intentions and there was nothing malicious about this! :) Edited February 29, 2012 by NanceXToo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I didn't refuse to say where or when. :confused: It was always mentioned by just one SIL, in the absence of the others, so then it always felt awkward for me to then gather everyone together and say, "Hello! Everybody, listen to me now. I would like you all to take me out to dinner on Friday at Ruby Tuesdays." Blech! That is so gauche! Besides, that was not what anyone did before. In the past, one SIL put forth the organizing effort to make it happen. I suspect that the one SIL said that she would be point and would get information from you to take back to the others. But yes, take Tap's suggestion because it is a very good one.:001_smile: And have fun at your party.:001_smile::001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Sounds like you're definitely over thinking this! Each of them has said something to you, and they all want to go out with you! It sounds like they've just each been waiting to hear what works for your schedule or aren't sure what you want to do or when, etc. I think you can safely take the matter into your own hands without worrying in the slightest about them feeling you are being "pushy." Just email and say in a matter-of-fact but light-hearted way, "Okay girls, now that I've let nearly a year go by without finding time in the schedule to celebrate my 40th, think we can squeeze in that "40th" birthday dinner on or before my 41st? :) Here are some dates that I have available. Are you guys free?" They'll ask where, you'll tell them. No biggie. Go! Have fun! It sounds like everybody had the best of intentions and there was nothing malicious about this! :) Okay. I did this. I just sent an e-mail that said almost exactly this. I hope I don't now sound like a complete and total doofus. I also said that I thought I might have given the impression that I didn't want to do the party dinner at all and that that was never the case. I titled it, "I want to wear the purple crown!" Because we have a purple "40" tiara thingy. I hoped that would sound light-hearted. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Okay. I did this. I just sent an e-mail that said almost exactly this. I hope I don't now sound like a complete and total doofus. I also said that I thought I might have given the impression that I didn't want to do the party dinner at all and that that was never the case. I titled it, "I want to wear the purple crown!" Because we have a purple "40" tiara thingy. I hoped that would sound light-hearted. :tongue_smilie: It does sound light-hearted, and I'm sure it will be perfectly fine. I'm sure they will be looking forward to going out with you, I'm sure you will have a great time, there will be no need for you to miss out on your celebration or feel hurt, everyone will have fun, it'll all be good! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I would NOT mention that I was feeling hurt. That would just spread the hurt feeling around to someone else. I'm sorry you are down about it. Hopefully everything will work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I would mention how much you're looking forward to 41 and hope you can do a dinner to celebrate that. I would not bring up the hurt, because then I'd wonder if they were doing it out of pity or obligation. I'd rather eat some crow and have a good time that feel otherwise. Yes, I know what you mean about feeling slighted, I'd feel the same way. :iagree: I agree with all of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Okay. I did this. I just sent an e-mail that said almost exactly this. I hope I don't now sound like a complete and total doofus. I also said that I thought I might have given the impression that I didn't want to do the party dinner at all and that that was never the case. I titled it, "I want to wear the purple crown!" Because we have a purple "40" tiara thingy. I hoped that would sound light-hearted. :tongue_smilie: I think it sounds perfect! How nice for all of you to do this for each other. I hope you have a wonderful time!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I'm still feeling dubious about this. One SIL did e-mail back very quickly and seemed happy to jump in with some dates. Nobody else has responded yet. Even the SIL I saw today for another reason did not mention it. I just hope I didn't beg for a birthday party from people who aren't excited to go. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I'm still feeling dubious about this. One SIL did e-mail back very quickly and seemed happy to jump in with some dates. Nobody else has responded yet. Even the SIL I saw today for another reason did not mention it. I just hope I didn't beg for a birthday party from people who aren't excited to go. :tongue_smilie: I doubt it. You guys all always do this for each other, it's your thing! One already responded and sounded happy about it you said! It just might take take a couple of days for everybody to check schedules and pull together, but don't get paranoid and think that people don't want to do something you guys all ALWAYS happily do for each other! lol. It'll be fine!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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