How do boys meet girls?

[Amethyst]

 

for our older dds, one was a natural, one had to learn..... and then practice. i was thinking about this with the two girls at the library. if he sets himself a goal of speaking to folks he encounters, like check out clerks in grocery stores, making a comment about the weather (really), about how nice a particular color looks on them, about how kind they were to the person ahead of them who had trouble finding their coupons, then that helps. for our dd, we had her pick one thing, and then say it to every checkout clerk she encountered, varying how she said it until she got a reaction that was positive. she discovered that compliments on job performance were easier for her than more random things, but she went Every Day to a grocery store and bought only a few things until it was more natural for her to just comment on something. and so it went.

 

 

 

We must have been searching on the same sites for advice because about a month ago, dh and I were discussing this so we turned to the internet and found this hint (about practicing with checkout clerks). We tried it a few times with both sons. Ds17 really hated doing it so we backed off. But I should make both boys start doing it again. Like you said, they need to practice conversing. It's harder than it seems. And neither of them are quiet kids at home, but as you know, that doesn't mean anything once they are out of the house.

[Amethyst]

I really want to thank all of you individually for replying (but I should be working on taxes and FAFSA forms). I love reading all the advice.

 

I want to address those who have mentioned that he shouldn't worry about it at this age. Dh has a sister. She is a physician now. She is 55. When she was in high school and college and medical school, she never went out with friends. She never dated. She stayed at home with her mom. Mom was sort of emotionally dependent on her, but sister-in-law had her younger brother (my dh) who tried to encourage her to get out and do things. "Why bother?", "I hate bars", "I won't know anyone there", "That person is a jerk" were typical responses to his invitations to just get out and do something with peers. She never married. I'm not surprised. It takes effort to meet people. I think my son will be at a disadvantage if at age 27 he decides he wants to get married and has never had a date. I understand where you all are coming from, and I hope your kids are all able to find partners when they are ready, but I just wanted to share some of our reasons for being concerned - because we've seen that it does take effort.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yes!!!! He definitely suffered from this when he was high school age. I hope that he doesn't come across as arrogant about it, but I'm not sure. I don't see him interacting with peers the way I did when he was homeschooling. I hope that he's maturing but I can't say for sure.

 

My daughter tends to come across more as shy and quiet than arrogant. She frequently has that reputation in groups . . . until she gets to know anyone and starts feeling more comfortable.

 

She did better, socially, when she was away at school. She had both a whole dorm full of super-smart peers with whom to interact and a campus full of young adults. Currently, her closest friends are a few of the young women she met there. Unfortunately, none of them are nearby, geographically. She Skypes with someone pretty much every day, but it's not the same as having a buddy with whom to go to a movie.

[melissel]

I really want to thank all of you individually for replying (but I should be working on taxes and FAFSA forms). I love reading all the advice.

 

I want to address those who have mentioned that he shouldn't worry about it at this age. Dh has a sister. She is a physician now. She is 55. When she was in high school and college and medical school, she never went out with friends. She never dated. She stayed at home with her mom. Mom was sort of emotionally dependent on her, but sister-in-law had her younger brother (my dh) who tried to encourage her to get out and do things. "Why bother?", "I hate bars", "I won't know anyone there", "That person is a jerk" were typical responses to his invitations to just get out and do something with peers. She never married. I'm not surprised. It takes effort to meet people. I think my son will be at a disadvantage if at age 27 he decides he wants to get married and has never had a date. I understand where you all are coming from, and I hope your kids are all able to find partners when they are ready, but I just wanted to share some of our reasons for being concerned - because we've seen that it does take effort.

 

:iagree: with your reasons. I also think that the relationships we had before we met our spouses help shape the people we become and help us understand the kind of partner and relationship we ultimately want. I still think it's not something you need to worry about too much, but you've gotten so much great advice that if he's willing to take some of it, he should start making some forward progress!

[Amethyst]

I agree with those who point out your son's relative youthfulness. Some are later-bloomers. I am married to one who was, and have a son who probably is; I've thought about this issue a LOT.

 

Here is what I think: the events that are focused on "meeting other people" are great places to pass the time, but not great places for people like my dh or your son to develop relationships. The reason for this is that the events are focused on interaction but not on shared interest. So it is a bit of a random event when there is a match of interests.

 

I am old now, and far removed from the dating scene. But in our parish, we have a number of people who have been in the 18-25 age range within the past 8-10 years, and here is what I have observed in my conversations with them. Many of them had dating troubles; either couldn't buy a date or didn't find much satisfaction in dating-just-to-date.

 

They *did* find relationships and most of them have found spouses by pursuing something that was of interest to themselves. One couple that married 2 years ago had known of each other for many years. But they *met* on a summer mission project. Each of them being interested in missions, they pursued that interest, and ended up pursuing each other right to the altar. Another couple did the same thing. Another couple had an interest in music history and met online on a discussion board, because internet buddies, and it blossomed from there. Another couple met at a book discussion club...NOT a book-discussion-club-for-singles, I might add. Just a book discussion club--the BOOK interested them. Another couple met on a travel discussion internet board. THIS one was *really* interesting...not going into it because the story is too unique and therefore identifiable, but you wouldn't believe it anyway. :0) They got married a year ago. I think there is one couple that met in a college class--their eyes locked across the room and the rest is history. But that is the only couple for whom this is so. Oh, another couple's first date was set up by mutual friends, on a DOUBLE-, not a blind-date. Outside of our parish, I know more than one woman who decided to go to seminary because of personal interest, and met future husbands there. And yes, they were husband hunting. There is nothing wrong with that. But they were not stupid--they didn't just want any old husband. The relationships are based in shared interest.

 

The other thing about sharing an interest is that this is a very strong bond in marriage. Research shows that most successful marriages have a shared interest that lasts past the starry-eyed phase of the relationship. So it is not just a good basis for forming a relationship, but for keeping it.

 

Thank you for this. I like the idea of pursuing what he is interested in. That makes a lot of sense. He goes to plenty of the events the school offers, but like you said, he doesn't actually meet people there. And frequently the girls all go in a group which can be intimidating to try to break into. Now we just have to figure out what his interests are...books, theater, tennis. Already in a book club at college. Theater would take too much time at this point. Tennis, which he's great at but only partially interested in, might have to wait for warmer weather.

 

Btw, love the seminary idea. I'll have to share that one with my dd. ;)

[kalanamak]

She never married. I'm not surprised. It takes effort to meet people.

 

Some people really don't want to marry, and some people shouldn't. And not having a gf by 19 is not the same as 27. He *is* still young.

 

BTW, a lot of female MDs marry other MDs. It doesn't take "effort" to meet people when you are in a med school crammed with 4 years of students plus all the researchers, etc. And there is another pack in training. This woman met people. She's about my age, and med school was a hotbed of bed hopping, and but many were married or engaged by the end of it.

 

Does she happen to have Boston marriage going on? There is that, too.

[Amethyst]

Some people really don't want to marry, and some people shouldn't. And not having a gf by 19 is not the same as 27. He *is* still young.

 

Some people don't or shouldn't, I agree. I don't think that is the case for her. I think she had unrealistic expectations, to be sure, that some handsome young man would come sweep her off her feet. But I do think she wishes she would have married.

 

BTW, a lot of female MDs marry other MDs. It doesn't take "effort" to meet people when you are in a med school crammed with 4 years of students plus all the researchers, etc. And there is another pack in training. This woman met people. She's about my age, and med school was a hotbed of bed hopping, and but many were married or engaged by the end of it.

 

Well, this is a whole different topic. I will share my own bias. I hope he doesn't marry another doctor. I am a dentist, dh is a physician. We chose to have me stay at home with the kids. But that meant basically that dh paid off my student loans because I certainly did not make nearly enough to pay off the mountains of dental school debt before the babies started arriving. I'm not sure how many men would be willing to give up the potential salary of an MD to have her stay home. Or how many women go thru med school just ot stay home. It happens, for sure, but two MDs marrying is not ideal in my mind.

 

Does she happen to have Boston marriage going on? There is that, too.

 

Boston marriage? I don't know what this means. I'm curious though. Could you explain for me please.

[Amethyst]

BTW, ds19 just told us this morning that he has plans set up to meet for hot chocolate with a girl at school. Keeping my fingers crossed for him.

[kalanamak]

Boston marriage? I don't know what this means. I'm curious though. Could you explain for me please.

 

Platonic or not platonic female friends who are best buddies, live together, and support each other through thick and thin, often well-educated and dignified and "quiet" about it. Wikipedia has an entry. I was amused to find out this phrase has made a come-back. I knew it when I was a teen.

 

BTW, and I mean this without meanness, deciding what kind of woman isn't right for your son is now making this sound a little too hovery. And my point wasn't that HE would meet someone in med school, but that your SIL had ample opportunity to do so. If it was just her sights set too high, some poor schmuck got off lucky. I often chide my husband on the Big Mistake he made when he married his first wife: never marry a woman you think is too good for you. Better no husband than one you feel wasn't good enough.

 

(I am reminded of some wag's quip about a rancorous marriage, when someone told him they should have married other people. "But," he said, "then 4 people would have been miserable instead of two.")

Edited February 11, 2012 by kalanamak

[6packofun]

He sounds a bit like my ds (almost 18). There is actually a girl that he likes and wants to "ask out" but we've talked about it and because he hasn't done much to pursue more of a friendship with her, it would probably be like dropping a bomb out of nowhere! LOL They're in youth group together and he *chooses* to hang out with his guy friends during most of that time while some other total clown is always around her. :confused: So, to me, it just means he's not ready. He's still being a kid in some sense and I'm OK with that. Why rush?

 

They talk every Sunday and text each other once in a while. I'm trying to coach him on asking her about HER, creating conversation, and he's doing better. He asked her if she'd like to come over to our house and watch the movie Tangled because she's never seen it and he likes it. LOL She said yes, but quickly asked WHY he wanted to spend time with her. I think he choked a bit...he told me, "Mom, I need to know her better to know if I want to date her, but it's like I can't do more friend stuff without being suspicious! How do I get to that in-between stage where I can show more interest and still be able to go back to being friends if it's not right?"

 

I have no clue, son. LOL He's approaching things differently than dh and I did.

[Kareni]

He asked her if she'd like to come over to our house and watch the movie Tangled because she's never seen it and he likes it. LOL She said yes, but quickly asked WHY he wanted to spend time with her. I think he choked a bit...he told me, "Mom, I need to know her better to know if I want to date her, but it's like I can't do more friend stuff without being suspicious! How do I get to that in-between stage where I can show more interest and still be able to go back to being friends if it's not right?"

 

 

I think he's on the right path. Perhaps a good answer would be, "I'd like to spend some time to get to know you better." (Or an appropriate teen speak version of the same!)

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Journey]

oopps!

Edited February 11, 2012 by Journey

[Amethyst]

Platonic or not platonic female friends who are best buddies, live together, and support each other through thick and thin, often well-educated and dignified and "quiet" about it. Wikipedia has an entry. I was amused to find out this phrase has made a come-back. I knew it when I was a teen.

 

No. She never lived with anyone but her mother until her mother died and she has lived alone ever since.

 

BTW, and I mean this without meanness, deciding what kind of woman isn't right for your son is now making this sound a little too hovery.

 

Totally get this. Not offended. I worry about being too helicoptery. For the record, dh is muchmore of a hoverer than I am. My tendency would be to let things progress on their own. But dh is very convincing sometimes about needing to talk about uncomfortable issues.And my point wasn't that HE would meet someone in med school, but that your SIL had ample opportunity to do so. Yeah. Well. She may have had the opportunity, but I knew her when she was in med school, and she did not give off a pleasant vibe. Too me, and I believe to anyone outside of the family. So, if there was opportunity, she probably blew it. She was nice enough looking in her day, I guess, but her personality left much to be desired.If it was just her sights set too high, some poor schmuck got off lucky.Yeah. I blame mother-in-law for sights set too high. Example, SIL got a phone call from a son of a friend of her sister arranged ahead of time. This was when she was about 33 years old. She had a great 2 hour conversation with the guy. But she made the mistake of telling her mother that the guy had two artificial knees. Horrors! Why waste your time with a cripple?! Plus, he's probably only interested in you because your a doctor. I was there for this conversation. It was bizarre. It was one of the two times I ever contradicted my mother-in-law. And I can blame MIL, but really, she was 33 and an adult and could have taken control of her life and didn't. I often chide my husband on the Big Mistake he made when he married his first wife: never marry a woman you think is too good for you. Better no husband than one you feel wasn't good enough.

 

(I am reminded of some wag's quip about a rancorous marriage, when someone told him they should have married other people. "But," he said, "then 4 people would have been miserable instead of two.")

 

BTW, she met a guy about 2 years ago when she was 54 or so. It was her first date. They are still together. He's not a winner, let me just leave it at that. But she's happy with him (I think). They keep their own houses and have said they will never marry.

[susankenny]

He is getting ready to leave for med school? The last thing he needs is a girlfriend before leaving imho. Perhaps he will meet someone in med school though... but before then, it would be more of a distraction than anything.

 

Susan

[mcconnellboys]

Alas, mine if fully into frat life and lives in a frat house. Still no girlfriend....

[kalanamak]

BTW, she met a guy about 2 years ago when she was 54 or so. It was her first date. They are still together. He's not a winner, let me just leave it at that. But she's happy with him (I think). They keep their own houses and have said they will never marry.

 

Well, then, she had a Boston marriage of sorts with mum. I knew two sisters who did that, and even arranged legally to get the other's pension when one died. That was back at a time when perfectly smart women might never get out of clerical, and each put in 40+ years of intelligent loyalty to one company or department. It did help the survivor.

 

As to the SIL, if he's not a winner, best they keep their own houses!

[tex-mex]

I know more than one woman who decided to go to seminary because of personal interest, and met future husbands there. And yes, they were husband hunting. There is nothing wrong with that. But they were not stupid--they didn't just want any old husband. The relationships are based in shared interest.

 

 

Oh dear... ;)

 

That comment reminded me of the term, "M. rs" degree at the private Christian college I attended. Many girls dropped out of college once they were engaged to an upperclassman. I know many families sent their dds there to "catch" a young man from the same culture/morals.

[kalanamak]

Oh dear... ;)

 

That comment reminded me of the term, "M. rs" degree at the private Christian college I attended. Many girls dropped out of college once they were engaged to an upperclassman. I know many families sent their dds there to "catch" a young man from the same culture/morals.

 

My mother used to comment, sometimes, on what these men "caught". Smart upward bound man marries a trophy wife and has dull children. "We breed", she'd say, "our dogs with more care than we'd breed ourselves."

[tex-mex]

My husband dated a lot (in your mind, bold that, italicize it, underline it, and then HIGHLIGHT it....when I say a lot I mean A LOT) more than I did before we married. I have never felt jealous of his experience in the dating zone.

 

My husband was raised in an agnostic household and was very popular in high school in the 1970's. As a result of the 70's, his parents did very unorthodox things like swinger parties, affairs, and simply taking off for the entire weekend (Fri night -Sunday night) leaving him at age 16 to fend for himself. Every weekend for his 10th-12th grade years.

 

Due to his popularity in school, being captain of the baseball team, star football player, King of the Prom, etc -- it led to a lot of dating and partying every weekend his parents were gone. He grew up in a upscale rich community and fortunately experienced no violence or mayhem. But beach parties in Malibu, beer keggers at home, and sleeping with a lot of girls. He was the classic blond hair, blue eyed, handsome So CA surfer teen from a privileged background.

 

That lifestyle and indulgence left him empty inside by the time he was 19 and in college. He chose to do the opposite of his high school lifestyle and not date at all for years. When he finally met me, he was a senior in his last semester of college and I was a sophomore at a school 400 miles away. We hit it off, had a lot in common, and I knew immediately he was the one. We married a year later.

 

But he says (25 years later) that what attracted him to me was my level of maturity and the fact I was not into dating or hooking up when I met him. Now, he is very overprotective of our teen son and the whole dating scene as a result of his childhood. But I do agree every person is different and time will help blossom. It will work out.

 

ETA: Son often teases me by saying, "So... the school jock & King of the Prom married the band geek?" (True! I was raised sheltered from boys/dating by my mom and was not in the "in" crowd at school. Opposites do attract. LOL)

Edited February 12, 2012 by tex-mex

[KidsHappen]

Interesting premise, but I read an article a few months ago about how there are more women than men at colleges now and it is the women who are having a hard time getting the guy. Plus, he is at a college that was once a woman's college and still is about 70% female.

 

It is predominately an Asian, Indian & Middle Eastern problem right now but the effects are expected to spread globally. Right now in the Northeast and many other large cities, you are right, there are more women than men and women are getting educated at a slightly higher rate but that brings its own problems as women generally want to marry up, even today in America.

 

I would recommend that he looks for women who like the same things that he does. So if he is interested in a specific hobby or activity then join groups of people who do those things. They do have singles groups that concentrate on activities more than match making but they are good places to meet girls who enjoy the same things you do. Me personally, if I was looking for a man, I would be looking at the library, bookstore or college classes.

[tex-mex]

My mother used to comment, sometimes, on what these men "caught". Smart upward bound man marries a trophy wife and has dull children. "We breed", she'd say, "our dogs with more care than we'd breed ourselves."

:lol::lol:

So true!