Anyone see these recent blogs?

[psychmom]

First one:

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/i-hate-hearing-about-your-gifted-child/

 

And a thoughtful response:

http://awayfromtheoven.com/2012/02/02/so-you-hate-hearing-about-my-gifted-child/

 

I felt really discouraged after reading some of the comments from the first blog. While I can understand that it's annoying to hear other people brag, it bothers me how dismissive people are of the concept of giftedness. Everyone seems to have a story about someone they know who was so smart but turned out so poorly! So therefore they make it seem like it's not an important trait at all or that it is undesirable. This seems so wrong to me--giftedness is just one aspect of a person, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. If a child is gifted in athletics or art rather than academics are we so dismissive?

 

I truly hope I don't brag about my children. I love them dearly and of course I like to talk about them, but believe me, I know they are far from perfect. After all, I live with them. With my dd7 in particular, it was really hard to brag about her reading at a young age when she wasn't toilet trained until she was 6 (and actually still has problems--but that's another story!). In fact, when people comment about how bright she is, I often feel the need to make a comment about one of her weaknesses just so it doesn't seem like I think she is somehow superior to others. I'm trying to break this habit, but it's hard.

 

Anyway, sorry to rant, but I know many of you can understand these feelings!

[psychmom]

No one responded to this, so I'm bumping it. I'd really love some feedback!:001_smile:

[Dmmetler]

It's been very, very discussed on Gifted Homeschoolers Forum.

[jenbrdsly]

Whoa! I feel my blood pressure boiling after that first post.

 

Rant away!

[Harriet Vane]

Interesting reading. Thanks for sharing.

 

I felt the original blog post came across as insecure.

[quark]

I truly hope I don't brag about my children. I love them dearly and of course I like to talk about them, but believe me, I know they are far from perfect. After all, I live with them. With my dd7 in particular, it was really hard to brag about her reading at a young age when she wasn't toilet trained until she was 6 (and actually still has problems--but that's another story!). In fact, when people comment about how bright she is, I often feel the need to make a comment about one of her weaknesses just so it doesn't seem like I think she is somehow superior to others. I'm trying to break this habit, but it's hard.

 

 

:grouphug: I've done the very same thing (in bold). And sometimes, realized to my horror that my son was within earshot when I said it and that he has been crying to himself because he heard me say it. I've kicked myself for doing this but fall into the pattern again and again because I so don't want the other person to think I'm bragging. I'm very glad for the opportunity to be anonymous on these forums for this very reason.

 

I read somewhere recently (it could have been on these very same boards) that if someone does not believe you or rolls their eyes after hearing your honest report of your children, they are not dealing with the same issues. I suppose you cannot fault them because their normal is so different from yours. Don't let their opinions hurt you. Their frame of reference is very different from yours. It's so important to trust in yourself and your children.

 

I actually feel sorry for that lady who wrote the first post. And happy for her she doesn't have to face some of the challenges other parents do. It's all that darned "perspective" thing.

 

:grouphug: again.

[psychmom]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. And quark, I'm so glad to know I'm not the only mom who's done that!

[SKL]

I love the rebuttal you linked.

 

Yesterday I took my kids to the McDonalds PlayPlace and met a mom with her 5yo daughter who has Down syndrome. I didn't even notice she had DS at first, and my 5yo kids immediately drew her into their play and they had a great time for the next hour.

 

I chatted with the mom. First about DS, KG, etc. Then she mentioned that she has a gifted 13yo son, so I shared a bit about my situation since we could relate to each other. This is, as you all know, a rare opportunity.

 

If there was one thing I came away feeling proud of, it was that my daughters did just the right things with that little girl. As we were leaving they said she was "cute." I thought maybe they had not noticed her difference. Later one of my kids said she looked "scary" but she was still very cute. I then told them about DS. I only hope that as they grow, they will continue to look past differences and meet other kids at the soul level.

 

My kids were late bloomers in many areas. One of them is still in catch-up mode. Ever since before they came into my custody (and people were already asking questions with a critical eye), I've stated that they are the way God made them, and therefore they are perfect. Same thing I say about everyone else's kids when they are in doubt.

 

But yeah, there are some things I don't say to anyone unless I know that they have a gifted child.

[3Blessings]

First one:

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/i-hate-hearing-about-your-gifted-child/

 

And a thoughtful response:

http://awayfromtheoven.com/2012/02/02/so-you-hate-hearing-about-my-gifted-child/

 

I felt really discouraged after reading some of the comments from the first blog. While I can understand that it's annoying to hear other people brag, it bothers me how dismissive people are of the concept of giftedness. Everyone seems to have a story about someone they know who was so smart but turned out so poorly! So therefore they make it seem like it's not an important trait at all or that it is undesirable. This seems so wrong to me--giftedness is just one aspect of a person, but it is nothing to be ashamed of. If a child is gifted in athletics or art rather than academics are we so dismissive?

 

I truly hope I don't brag about my children. I love them dearly and of course I like to talk about them, but believe me, I know they are far from perfect. After all, I live with them. With my dd7 in particular, it was really hard to brag about her reading at a young age when she wasn't toilet trained until she was 6 (and actually still has problems--but that's another story!). In fact, when people comment about how bright she is, I often feel the need to make a comment about one of her weaknesses just so it doesn't seem like I think she is somehow superior to others. I'm trying to break this habit, but it's hard.

 

Anyway, sorry to rant, but I know many of you can understand these feelings!

 

:iagree:I am trying to break this habit, too! Just this past weekend, dd6 was the topic of conversation at an adult gathering (another parent brought her up in conversation) and I found myself saying, "Well, yes, she is quite bright at that, but in math . . . " And I realized I was doing it again. AND what I was saying wasn't even true!

 

It is so much easier with my 2E ds8. His strengths are obvious, but so are his weaknesses. With dd6, no one else sees the meltdowns at piano practice (perfectionism) or experiences her need for constant activity.

 

I know it must be worse for someone with PG kids. I feel for those parents.

[acurtis75]

I find myself down-playing dd's abilities and pointing out her weaknesses too. I have been more conscious of it lately and try to avoid it but I find the way I do that is by not discussing her abilities much at all with anyone other than dh, my parents and this board.

[CatholicMom]

I must admit I get the babycenter blogger's general point. I LOL'ed at the sweeping on a 4th grade level bit. :lol:

 

I have been around people who seem to be bragging about their kids' abilities. I don't know if I've ever been around someone whose child was "gifted," but I have heard people say their kid is "advanced" or just generally announce their kids abilities. They might not be prideful in their hearts, but it can definitely come across that way. I often just wonder *why* they even offer the information unless they're asked.

 

To me, affirming a compliment with, "Yeah, Sammy is going really well with reading" is different than saying, "yeah, Sammy is reading on a 4th grade level" or "Yeah, Sammy was identified as gifted in reading." Don't throw eggs at me. :tongue_smilie: Just saying.

 

Bottom line is no matter what kind of parent we are (mom to kid with learning disabilities, gifted kids, kids with physical problems, etc) we have to try to be aware of who we're talking to and how you might make someone feel. We should try to speak humbly and modestly of ourselves and our children. If we're talking to another mom of a gifted child she would probably feel next to no unintentional pressure while most moms of "normal" kids will feel like you're rubbing your kids' genius in their face, or they aren't doing a good job teaching their kids, or their kids aren't smart, or you want to pump yourself up, or what have you.

 

This board is a perfect place to share details and accomplishments. But in real life, I personally only brag to my mom because she is happy for me and there is no possible feeling of "competition."

[Bang!Zoom!]

Response #303 by S was outstanding. Bravo.

 

That chick speaks the truth.

[SKL]

In our defense, parents of non-gifted kids brag. The only time I feel compelled to mention my kids' particular talents to another mom (outside the gifted community) is when they start off bragging to me. Not just intelligence, either. I recall when my kids were 1.5 and this lady started bragging about her 2.5yo being potty trained and how lucky she was and how maybe I could be so lucky come next year. I then mentioned that my kids (who were right there listening) had been out of diapers for months. I mean, what was I supposed to say? It wasn't one of my finer moments, but sometimes your choices are to "brag" or, as I do more often, to just mutely smile and nod. And from reading the irritated blogger's comments, it seems any indication of "advancedness" is just too much to take. How dare we participate in an ordinary mom conversation?

 

I, too, am quick to mention the areas where my kids were late bloomers. It makes people feel better about their kids/parenting. But there ought to be some balance. It shouldn't all be about us being humble all the time when others are in our faces about their kids' accomplishments.

[Iucounu]

(I agree, SKL.)

 

My current struggle around other local parents is to find ways of engaging that are safe but allow me to share. It's difficult, as for some reason the local parents can be quite braggy and pushy (and we are not in a particularly affluent or academically highly-achieving neighborhood or town). I remember at a meet-and-greet session before kindergarten started, when one mom asked loudly whether the "advanced" children would be allowed to read to the rest of the class, then looked around the room; the local birthday party where a little knot of moms gathered, discussing loudly enough to be heard across the yard about the challenges of rearing their children who were already working so far "ahead of the pack"; etc. :ack2: There's sharing, and then there are obvious attempts to make others feel small about their children.

[Dmmetler]

I've said a lot of "She likes to read" or "She enjoys math" when people comment on DD, since infancy. DD has always gotten upset when people make a big deal of what she can do, and focusing on the fact that this is something she likes seems to make DD relax, at least. I will say it's gotten better since she's older-now that she's an age where she's expected to read, so if she pulls out "The BFG" between dance classes, the response is "Oh, how do you get her to read so much? My child only wants to play on her iPhone" as opposed to surprise that she's reading at all.

 

 

I do hear a lot of "she was tested at school and reads on a 4th grade level" from other parents-I think that's because the local schools here use these computer based programs for independent work/homework that gives the kids a computer test and then sends them through levels. I don't think that's so much bragging as frustration, though-I've heard a bunch of parents complain that their 1st or 2nd grader tested into 3rd grade math, and got assigned homework on multiplication or division when the poor kid had never been taught how to do it. Or the child tested into 4th grade reading on AR, but is now frustrated because the books are too long and don't have enough pictures. In both cases, usually the parent is asking for sympathy, and if I can recommend "You know, a lot of picture books are on about a 4th grade reading level, because they're written for parents to read to their children. I'll bet that if you check the book list, you'll find some that your child would like. They'll only be .5 point, but she'll be reading at a level that challenges her without frustrating her". that helps. I've also given more than a few impromptu math lessons.

 

Unfortunately, DD has picked up on the grade level thing, and SHE'LL announce that "I can read college books and do high school math". (True on the former...stretching more than a little on the latter. Middle school, I might give her) We've had more than a few conversations about not bragging-which then frustrates her because "Why can THEY say they just got their black belt and are the youngest to ever get one if I can't say I'm learning Algebra?"

[SKL]

Yes, part of it is frustration, and part is just answering questions.

 

Yesterday a woman at Sunday School asked me what grade my kids were in, and I said KG. She asked whether they were coming to the Lutheran school, and I said I was hoping to get them in for 1st grade next year, if they'd take them. (Granted, I could have left off the "if" part, but I don't want to be seen as a BSer if things don't work out.) This of course raised the question {what's wrong with them} and I mentioned that I'd been told the school wouldn't budge on the date cutoff. She then asked about their ages and learned that my kid just turned 5. Cue the "gift of time" speech. I mentioned that she's reading on at least a 3rd grade level and ahead in the other subjects as well, so putting her in KG next fall would be wrong.

 

I suppose she might have come away thinking I was bragging. But it's not like I was prowling the halls looking for an opportunity to spout about my kid's reading level. It seems disingenuous to hide that when it's relevant to the conversation. I mean, yeah, I could have been vague, but being precise cuts off the conversation sooner. You avoid the "everyone thinks her kid is gifted" stuff. Then you can change to a more comfortable subject.

[2smartones]

I used to get that a lot, too... even from old ladies at the grocery store. "Oh, you're 5? What a big boy! Are you excited to go to kindergarten next year?" I finally ended up coaching my kids what to say in situations like that. Why would I send a 6 year old to kindergarten when he learned to read when he was 2? It's not the kind of thing I go around bragging about, because it just makes people look at my kids like they have 3 heads, or look at me like I'm lying. IME, people who brag are people who have either bright children or pushed children. People with gifted children don't brag... and in fact, they usually hide.

 

The older a child gets, the easier it gets... at least for me anyway. A preschool-aged child can't defend themselves. They can't say "mommy's not over-scheduling me and stuffing my brain, she's just letting me explore on my own, and I'm really good at it." When they're older, they can laugh it off and say, "Yeah, I learned that when I was 3... wanna go ride bikes?" :lol:

[beaners]

I get so frustrated by the constant need to keep things undercover. I let my children see what our friends and family are up to on Facebook after I check everything for content. I haven't yet found a way to explain to my 2 year old why she can't post pictures of the puzzles she does when other people have pictures of their (bright) 4 year old doing simpler puzzles. It's tough to explain how you don't want to look like you are one-upping someone without giving away to a toddler that she is doing something slightly unusual. She just sees a picture of another kid with a puzzle.

 

It's fun to share your pride in your children. And it's very common in my age range. I was still in college when Facebook was started. ;) It is frustrating to feel like you need to hide things, but I do it. It makes me a little sad that so many other people can share photos of their children doing something they love, but I'm too paranoid to post photos of my own children doing things that they love.

 

And isn't it terribly presumptuous for me to assume that my children are ahead and people would think I'm bragging? Ugh, I hate the whole thing. It really makes me question my ability to instill pride in my children for their own unique traits without turning them into obnoxious know-it-alls. I'm an adult and I can't even take a compliment without a self-deprecating comment. I'm supposed to guide my children through this?

[SKL]

I wonder sometimes how this is going to affect my girls as they get older. Right now, they are blissfully ignorant of the "well excuuuuse me" attitudes toward things like their music lessons. Obviously that won't last forever.

 

Last year's church Christmas program included some kids playing the piano. Some of them were not much more advanced than my then-4yo. Dare I encourage my kids to play in a program like that next year? Or would it look like showing off? And if it's showing off, how is it not showing off when other kids do it?

 

On the positive side (I guess), my kids are rather shy and it's a rare moment when their intelligence is apparent to outsiders. For now, anyway.

[acurtis75]

People with gifted children don't brag... and in fact, they usually hide.

 

The older a child gets, the easier it gets... at least for me anyway. A preschool-aged child can't defend themselves. They can't say "mommy's not over-scheduling me and stuffing my brain, she's just letting me explore on my own, and I'm really good at it." When they're older, they can laugh it off and say, "Yeah, I learned that when I was 3... wanna go ride bikes?" :lol:

 

I have never tested so I don't know exactly how "gifted" she would be considered if I did but I know I find myself in the hiding club. I answer questions vaguely and try not to bring up curriculum conversations anywhere but here. Even with my attempts to hide IRL around other moms I still get asked questions and get crazy looks to some of my answers. I will agree that now that dd is a little older it's easier to deal with. She's really tall & I put her in second grade classes at our new church so she is at least with other kids who can read. It's easier to fit in now than when she was walking around reading chapter books at 3 & 4.

[WIS0320]

As a mom with a child who appears to be quite accelerated/suspected gifted (4 year old DS) and one child who appears to be bright but still with in the range of normal - I totally got what the mother was saying in the post.

 

It IS annoying when so many wonderful kids are not valued for being just that. All kids are special but most parents I run into seem to want their child to be gifted instead of appreciating them for who they are. This doesn't mean the need to downplay the unique and special qualities of gifted children just that it seems so freaking competitive where I live that being kind, bright and happy is never good enough. It is frustrating to see.

 

Of course not all kids are going to be gifted and no, parents of gifted children should not have to pretend like they aren't. But the feeling that there is something "better" about a gifted child per today's competitive parenting standards is a sad thing to witness. I don't care how old your kid was when they started to read or do algebra. No one really cares about those things about my kids either aside from close family members.

 

What I do care about is how your child treats my child. I care if your child is disruptive in a restaurant when I am trying to enjoy my meal or if they are being a bully on the playground. I care if your child draws a picture for my child and makes her feel special. I care if your child sends a thank you note because they are genuinely pleased with something we chose especially for them. I care if your child stops and includes my child when they are being left out. None of these situations that I care about exist within the realm of IQ and academic ability and prowess. To be frank, in the real adult world not being a jerk is probably more important than your IQ or giftedness. I think that is what this mom was trying to say.

[MomatHWTK]

:iagree:

[SKL]

To be frank, in the real adult world not being a jerk is probably more important than your IQ or giftedness. I think that is what this mom was trying to say.

 

If that was what she was trying to say, I agree with her. But what makes me most uncomfortable is the attitude that "my kid is better than the rest" in any context is OK. No, I don't agree that "my dd is more kind than most children" is nicer than "my dd is reading above grade level." It seems kind of ironic that she used kindness as an example in such an unkindly written article.

[JeanM]

If that was what she was trying to say, I agree with her. But what makes me most uncomfortable is the attitude that "my kid is better than the rest" in any context is OK. No, I don't agree that "my dd is more kind than most children" is nicer than "my dd is reading above grade level." It seems kind of ironic that she used kindness as an example in such an unkindly written article.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

To be frank, in the real adult world not being a jerk is probably more important than your IQ or giftedness. I think that is what this mom was trying to say.

 

I really must say that I don't agree with this. Your IQ isn't the only factor, but it is one factor that can determine your career/life path.

[jenbrdsly]

My formal retort to the nasty Baby Center blog post:

 

Gifted Children Deserve Compassion and Empathy

[WIS0320]

n/t

Edited February 15, 2012 by drexel

[mamajag]

If that was what she was trying to say, I agree with her. But what makes me most uncomfortable is the attitude that "my kid is better than the rest" in any context is OK. No, I don't agree that "my dd is more kind than most children" is nicer than "my dd is reading above grade level." It seems kind of ironic that she used kindness as an example in such an unkindly written article.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I used to read her blog quite a bit when my daughters were younger, and I am amazed and saddened that she is writing like that now. She really invested in her child, and it was awesome to see her so in awe of her child. Perhaps she was too invested, and thought that investment equals gifted. Now it seems she is disappointed in how things came out and is taking it out on those who ended up where she thought she'd be. :001_huh:

 

All 3 of my kids will likely be tagged as gifted in a few areas. Quite frankly sometimes I wish they were a little less so, and here's why:

• I wouldn't have the constant challenge of supplementing dd1's readings and history and figuring out how to jump levels because she was so far behind coming out of K ps and all of a sudden knew everything in those books and then waste money because I didn't skip enough. She should be in WWE/FLL 3 right now, but darn it, I'd like her to finish something without absorbing it by osmosis a third of the way through.
  
• I wouldn't have to constantly wonder what is polite to say when asked about their academic progress. Do I tell them that DD2 is 5 and finishing up first grade work and risk alienating them or do I silently smile and nod and talk about our children and sympathize with beginning K experiences even though that happened over a year ago? I don't know where the line is between being quiet and being dishonest. We won't get into the looks on their faces when dd1 starts telling them the Latin word for <insert word here>.
  
• The biggest question is how do I not slap the mamas who see my 3yo ds naming letter sounds, numbers, colors, and shapes and pointedly tell me to stop pushing books on him and let him be a little boy? The boy taught himself, and an afternoon with him would reassure them that he is indeed all little boy/daredevil until he sees the OPGTR book. That book makes him feel like a big boy because the older girls use it, and it excites him. Would it make the population around here more comfortable if I painted the book camo?
  

 

The most frustrating part is that I don't really have anyone I can talk to IRL about the challenges of raising these three. They are kind, generous, and sweep at a 5th grade level (one-upmanship intended ;)). They will socialize with anyone regardless of age, social status, race, or disability. They are great kids! I just wish I had someone I could talk to who understands that while I might not pull my kids' hair to get them to do their math, I have struggles and trials as well. They are just different. Their abilities don't make ilfe magically perfect for me. My mom kind of understands because she had to deal with me, but she doesn't understand what it's like to have 3 of me with abilities trending in 3 separate directions.

 

Confession: While How the Universe Works is fascinating, I really didn't want to watch it the third time through this week. I would have killed for some good, old-fashioned, brain rotting TV by then.:lol:

[LisaKinVA]

The most frustrating part is that I don't really have anyone I can talk to IRL about the challenges of raising these three. They are kind, generous, and sweep at a 5th grade level (one-upmanship intended ;)). They will socialize with anyone regardless of age, social status, race, or disability. They are great kids! I just wish I had someone I could talk to who understands that while I might not pull my kids' hair to get them to do their math, I have struggles and trials as well. They are just different. Their abilities don't make life magically perfect for me. My mom kind of understands because she had to deal with me, but she doesn't understand what it's like to have 3 of me with abilities trending in 3 separate directions.

.

 

I can relate to this, 100%. After my first was born, she said, "ah, finally, you have one JUST LIKE YOU." The next one will be easier. After the 2nd, she said, "wow... you got TWO just like you...snicker, snicker." I'm sure if you have a third, it will get easier. After #3, she said in effect, that she didn't know what to think, how was that even possible. Now that we have 5, she has come to the conclusion that my dh and I for some reason just make THIS kind of kid. They are all very different, and very alike. But, people think that it's easy or better. It can be exciting, but it can be just as exhausting.