If you do not speak to your parent

[amyx4]

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, it sounds like your situation is MUCH different than mine.

My father and I are mutual in our decision not to have anything to do with each other.

He thinks he is punishing me for being a bad daughter.

I simply am protecting myself and my family.

At the time of our initial separation, I had not yet forgiven him.

I do think that made it more challenging.

I did have a pull towards talking to him especially because cutting things off with him

essentially also meant giving up my stepmother who I adored (who btw, has thought

I've hated her since I met her) and my sisters (who would never go against my dad).

But I also had a pull towards him. Seriously, what daughter does not want to have

her dad's approval and love? And really, we, in this country, tend to think we should

put up with just about anything from certain family members. AND I think that I was

used to the abuse and not sure what to do without it in my life.

 

As for your situation? I would make those boundaries clear as all get out. The chances

they won't mostly give up are pretty slim. What is calling, emailing, PMing several times

per day at this point is likely going to dwindle down to holidays and birthdays eventually.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wish you the best!

[amyx4]

Thanks. The relationship was at the holiday only stage. There were somethings that happened over the holidays and I did told them I no longer wanted to see them. Dh thinks they understood and won't bother with me any more. I think they will see it as a challenge and try to get back into my life. Thank for taking the time to answer my questions.

[2cents]

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

IMO I don't think there is such a thing as a 'bit NPD' so if your parent is NPD they are going to probably be as manipulative and difficult as any NPD and from what I've read NPD is not something that responds to therapy or meds.

 

I am no contact with my family and my sister is the NPD. It was a little different for me because it was a sibling but I can tell you that the first few weeks were a challenge because when the NPD realizes you are pulling away or attempting to impose boundaries they will amp up the pressure and guilt trips and manipulations. You will need to be firm and remember that this is what they do. The worst thing you can do to a NPD is remove their source of energy and that is the victim that they are draining. They are very manipulative and will do most anything to hold on to that energy source so be prepared to hold onto your set boundaries.

 

Remember too that NPD do not believe that rules, ANY rules, apply to them - Especially those set in place by their targeted victim. But also remember that you are in control of yourself and what you do and you have the right and duty to protect yourself and your family from emotional damage.

 

While you are getting used to a no contact situation it would be good to find ways to distract yourself and be in a place where it would be difficult for your NPD to engage with you. If you feel compelled to respond to them, just realize that is not a 'no contact' position and every time you respond (good or bad) you are refilling the NPD's energy reserves. All they want is the knowledge that they can make you react. They want to pull the strings. Before you react, take some time and ask yourself if it is something you really need or want to do. Never respond without taking time to think it though. Sorry this is so long. I hope this is helpful.

[PentecostalMom]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Cassy]

I stopped speaking to my mother when DS12 and DS10 were very tiny. She'd always been very critical, sarcastic and controlling, but after I married and had children her behaviour became more and more bullying.

 

After one particular episode when she was so very obviously out of control, dishonest and manipulative I decided I'd had enough. I'd always been very passive and compliant, but suddenly I felt furious. She'd been staying with us and after an small argument she declared that she wasn't wanted and would go home. Previously I would have begged her to stay, but this time I simply asked her to get her suitcase and I drove her to the station. I didn't say a word for the whole journey, but as she got out of the car I simply said that I'd had enough and that she ought to grow up.

 

I truly intended never to speak to her again. Christmas came and she sent money for presents for us all. I returned it without a word. I remained furious for a long time. I also felt a bit relieved.

 

Six months later she phoned me in tears, and said how sorry she was, she listened to what I had to say without putting me down, without arguing that I was wrong. She never completely changed, she was always passive-aggressive, manipulative, but she now treated me with a new respect, she knew where my boundaries were.

 

She died four years ago in February. She'd stayed with us over Christmas a few weeks earlier, and while she was here there was a moment when we were alone and she took my arm and looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm very, very proud of you, you know that, don't you?" I'm glad I stopped talking to her when I did. I'm glad we made up when we did.

 

She was possibly NPD, the diagnosis fits, but I'd never heard of NPD then. Certainly I don't think she was very extreme of the NPD type. Our relationship did improve a lot after my period of not talking to her, but I really can't say that it would work out this way with everyone.

 

Best of luck. Please PM me if I can be of any help/support.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cassy

[Heather in Neverland]

I haven't seen or spoken to my father in 12 years. It is mutual. I went through stages of pain, disbelief, anger. Now I am indifferent. He has not seen my oldest ds since he was a baby. He has never met my other two children. It's his loss.

[Jenny in Florida]

I went through stages of pain, disbelief, anger. Now I am indifferent.

 

I cut off contact with my parents almost 20 years ago. I would say my feelings mirror Heather's.

 

In my case, it was complicated by the fact that my parents were unwilling to let me go gracefully. (I'll PM you more information about that if you think it would help you.) So, we spent several years fighting in court about some issues, and it wasn't like I could just turn my back and walk away.

 

So, yes, they tried very, very hard to get back into my life, or at least to find ways to continue controlling it.

 

Somewhere along the way, though, I made peace with all of it. I have no desire at all to allow them back into my life. Not ever. I am a happier, healthier, more functional person without them. But I also stopped being mad or miserable. I do sometimes wish I had a relationship with healthy, helpful parents, but I don't miss the relationship I had with the ones I've actually got.

[Iucounu]

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

The initial period felt good. Today I'm happy with my decision, and never think of my parents unless something occurs to remind me of them. I don't really feel like they're my parents.

 

My mother tried many times to resume contact, including sending boxes to the house addressed to the children (even after they were refused) and vaguely threatening legal action, which seems to have thankfully stopped in the past year. I don't know if you're right-- all I can say is that my mother fits the definition of NPD to a T in my opinion, in addition to having other issues. I would try to just be absolutely firm, instead of trying to pad the message; you don't want to leave any room for skewing/misinterpretation.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

NO words of wisdom, just a bit of sympathy.

I'm struggling with mil, now that fil passed away. Dh is still grieving, and she uses guilt and knows just when and how to sock-it-to him.

 

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I haven't seen or spoken to my father in 12 years. It is mutual. I went through stages of pain, disbelief, anger. Now I am indifferent. He has not seen my oldest ds since he was a baby. He has never met my other two children. It's his loss.

 

Sometimes I do wish I could "show off" my kids and those feelings have resurfaced because of the littles. It is very probable that my father knows we are adopting three young children (my brother and sister-in-law know and have a -strained- relationship with him) so I don't know why it matters, but it bugs me a little.

 

And yet, I feel all the more reason to protect them. They don't need to see their mama mistreated. And my father says/does a lot of sexually inappropriate things. I seriously doubt that has changed in all these years. I felt the need to protect my big kids from that. My littles need MORE protection, not less.

[alpidarkomama]

For my DH it has been a huge relief to no longer be in contact with his father. He has had nightly nightmares his whole life, and he's thankful to have respite from it all during the day. He has transformed it by being a wonderful father and husband.:)

[G5052]

Over the years we were sometimes no contact, sometimes very limited contact. At times I blocked calls and sent back any mail that came. Mine was professional-diagnosed as NPD and then dementia made it much, much worse. Near the end, she nearly ended up in a mental institution.

 

I personally have no regrets and believe that I am a stronger person for drawing and keeping the boundaries. I'm also a better parent IMHO. If you take abuse, it sucks you dry over time, and your family will suffer as part of that.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: If you feel the need to totally cut her off, you may feel relief, or you may grieve for loss of the relationship. (however toxic it can be.) How long have you realized your person is NPD (or at least that something was seriously wrong) may also affect your reaction, as knowing that does help in the process of disengaging mentally and emotionally.

 

My grandmother was NPD/BPD (she feared abandonement.)

 

we were reared to focus on her, and I felt kiss the ground she walked on, and she had far more influence than our mother. I even felt I was supposed to lay down on her alter and hand her the knife to sacrifice me with.

 

I didn't sever contact, but I did put a once a week 15 minute phone call limit. if she was out of line on the phone call, I'd say goodbye and hang up for the week. and yes, we had some five minute phone calls.

 

 

While I realized my grandmother was a flaming hypoccrite when I was 13, it still took years to totally let go. Figuring it out then, did help me to not get sucked in any further, despite the fact everyone else in my family was under her thumb and harrassed me for refusing to bow. I was her scapegoat, so she didn't pursue me much. I'd also proven at a young age that demanding I apologize for "treating her badly" wasn't going to get me to apologize. and then of course, the "if you don't treat me well, I'll cut you out of my will" only got a reply of "go ahead", or "I thought you already did". :lol:

 

eta: I do want to emphasize, other family members may or may not seeing anything wrong with the NPD person, and can turn on you. do draw your boundaries (you will be healthier for it), but be prepared it will probably not be just that one person.

Edited January 3, 2012 by gardenmom5

[ErinE]

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

 

I haven't seen or spoken to my father in 12 years. It is mutual. I went through stages of pain, disbelief, anger. Now I am indifferent. He has not seen my oldest ds since he was a baby. He has never met my other two children. It's his loss.

 

The decision was difficult as it was not related to abuse. After my parents divorce, my father was not respecting boundaries. He gave unrequested and unhelpful advice, and his comments about my mother were inappropriate. After a final blowup, where his statements were inflicting distress, I told him we were done. For the first few weeks, I was frightened and shaky, but I also felt emotional freedom. All his emails went to spam and his presence no longer occupied my brain.

 

Once I went through my "mourning" period, I did not miss his presence. For many years, my children thought he was dead; I'm not sure where they got that impression except I just never talked about my father.

 

It's been many years and we are just starting to get back in touch. A family member, who still maintains contact with my father, invited him to a wedding last year and we had a good visit. I'm biased towards reconciliation as he was a very loving and giving parent when I was younger. As I reached adulthood, he lost emotional control, an observation confirmed by others. However, I maintain a very strict boundary on what I will tolerate and I cut off contact if he oversteps.

[Alicia64]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

IMO I don't think there is such a thing as a 'bit NPD'

 

Very well said.

 

NPD people are nothing to play around with. It's hard for us "regular" people to realize that there's no hope. But I don't think there's ever real hope.

 

It's bad, worse, or really nightmarish. You have to pick what you can tolerate. And I happen to think life is too short to put up with even "bad."

 

Alley

[meggie]

I'm not the OP, but thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. They make me cry and help me feel not alone.

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

 

The decision was difficult as it was not related to abuse. After my parents divorce, my father was not respecting boundaries. He gave unrequested and unhelpful advice, and his comments about my mother were inappropriate. After a final blowup, where his statements were inflicting distress, I told him we were done. For the first few weeks, I was frightened and shaky, but I also felt emotional freedom. All his emails went to spam and his presence no longer occupied my brain.

 

Once I went through my "mourning" period, I did not miss his presence. For many years, my children thought he was dead; I'm not sure where they got that impression except I just never talked about my father.

 

It's been many years and we are just starting to get back in touch. A family member, who still maintains contact with my father, invited him to a wedding last year and we had a good visit. I'm biased towards reconciliation as he was a very loving and giving parent when I was younger. As I reached adulthood, he lost emotional control, an observation confirmed by others. However, I maintain a very strict boundary on what I will tolerate and I cut off contact if he oversteps.

Erin's experience seems mostly to relate to my own. I've known all my life that my father was a hypocrite and the only things he loved in this world were money and himself. When my parents divorced, it was painful because we're LDS and families are supposed to be eternal. I could have dealt with that well enough, because I thought it would be best if my mother got away from the verbal and emotional abuse.

 

But it wasn't just a divorce, then walk away. He got nasty. Really, really nasty. I am convinced that he has some kind of undiagnosed mental illness, but NPD doesn't quite fit. Anyways, to me he's all kinds of evil and I have no desire to be around him.

 

The last phone call I had with him, I didn't want to get into blaming him for everything terrible he's done. I knew it would be of no use with him. In his world he has never, ever been wrong. I had the phone on speaker phone and my husband heard him cast blame at everyone, including myself. My husband gave me the strength to let the relationship go.

 

He sends birthday cards and Christmas cards and a card when I had baby girl. Each time it rips a new hole in my heart because I know he's still a hypocrite. He's still threatening and dragging my mother into court and lying and being a donkey yet he deludes himself into thinking I'm going to come visit him? No chance in h*ll.

 

For me, I seem to be stuck in the anger and depression stages of mourning. It's been three years since I found out they were going to divorce and two years since it was finalized. I don't know when I'll move on or how.

 

Just a side note: I watched an early episode of Dancing With The Stars. When Chynna Phillips had to tell her story, she talked about how she wrote the song, "Hold On" to deal with the pain and anger of her father abandoning her. And if you know anything about her dad, you know he wasn't really a good man. Yet, she still mourned for what she could have had but didn't. One day, she realized enough was enough and she wasn't going to let him affect her anymore. Since I saw that clip, the song has taken on new meaning to me. And every time I think of my father, I just start singing the song in my head and it gives me strength. It may seem silly or cliche, but it helps to know that there was someone out there who felt the same hurt and found the strength to overcome it.

[MinivanMom]

If you have choosen not to speak to a parent, could you please tell me what the first few days or weeks felt like? Also, did the parent see it as a challenge and try to resume contact? Am I right in assuming that nothing I do will get them to change their behavior if they are are bit NPD? Thanks for the help.

 

I cut off contact with my bio father when I was 21. It was the most wonderful experience of my life. In those first few days and weeks I felt completely free and was finally able to forgive him and find peace for myself. I have received a total of 3 cards in the 12 years since then, but I just sent them back. He just doesn't care enough to see it as a challenge and that is for the best now that I have children.

 

Dh cut off contact with his parents about 6 years ago. They were already harrassing us at the time, which is a very small part of what led to the estrangement. They saw it as a challenge and sent letters and packages to our home, to dh's workplace, contacted our church leaders, invited our (mine and dh's) friends to their home to enlist their intervention, sent relatives to harrass us, etc, etc. They did everything short of trying to fight us in court for custody of our children. The harrassment was so bad we changed our phone numbers and eventually moved to another state (where grandparents can't seek custody, even if I'm widowed). For the first year after the move, we didn't give our information to any family or friends. That was the only thing that stopped the harrassment.

 

I think these situations can go either way (leaving you in peace vs seeing it as a challenge). If a person is abusive, though, I believe it's worth it to cut off contact. At this point in my life I have a responsibility to protect my own family and my children from people who are toxic.