best way to deal with children doing the same thing when one is more "gifted"?

[jenniferlee]

OK,

my two older dc started piano lessons in May. They are 13 and 11. Older is a girl, younger is a boy.

 

they are both fairly competitive, the boy a little more so. The boy is also slightly odd, emotionally unstable at times. More what you would call the "traditional artistic temperament" Moody, obsessive etc. He loves to draw and is very good at it.

 

Well, they have both picked up the piano very quickly (I think). They love to practice and I have to limit their time or they would just play all day instead of doing school work. Their teacher thinks they are both doing excellently. Neither my dh or I play any instruments, so I only have the teacher's word for it and my own sense of how quickly they've come along and how nice the music sounds.:D

 

So all of this would be great, except it's clear that my son has something just a little more going on. He's got like an "ear" for the music. He's started composing his own songs and they actually sound GOOD, not just like a kid messing around.

My dd, is starting to feel like she's not as good as him. I don't like it because it makes her feel discouraged.

 

I don't know how to talk about it. On the one hand, I can't deny that the boy seems to have a "gift" or whatever. On the other, I don't want her feeling like if you are not "gifted' then you won't ever be as good.

She is VERY good. She even reads the music better than him.

 

How do I lift one child up without negating the other's talents and without trying to say "you're both the same" when they are not the same?

Does it make sense what I am asking?

 

This happened with drawing as well. He is clearly a "natural" and something in him drives him to draw all the time, so of course he's gotten even better at it. She started comparing herself with him pretty early on, and has totally given up on drawing now.

 

I fully believe that hard work is what makes the difference ultimately in how well you do at something and I tell them this a lot. But there is no denying that some people seem to just have a little extra spark or something...

 

Anyway, thanks for reading this. Any help is appreciated.

 

Jen

[DianeW88]

If it's really bothersome to your dd....different activities. Can she play the violin or another instrument instead of the piano? Honestly, with competitive kids who are really bothered by that sort of thing, sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

 

I've found with my kids that even if you try to "explain" it....it doesn't work if that's the way they're wired. If your son is more talented than she is in these areas, it's just a fact. She may not be able to deal with that and she may even get discouraged enough to want to quit. That can also lead to general feelings of "eveyone else is better than me".

 

I'd simply put her in activities that her brother is not involved in at all. Does she enjoy dance? Gymnastics? Horseback riding? Swimming? I'd fine something where she can shine and feel good about herself and her abilities without feeling like she's "competing" with her sibling.

[Momling]

If it's really bothersome to your dd....different activities. Can she play the violin or another instrument instead of the piano? Honestly, with competitive kids who are really bothered by that sort of thing, sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

 

I've found with my kids that even if you try to "explain" it....it doesn't work if that's the way they're wired. If your son is more talented than she is in these areas, it's just a fact. She may not be able to deal with that and she may even get discouraged enough to want to quit. That can also lead to general feelings of "eveyone else is better than me".

 

I'd simply put her in activities that her brother is not involved in at all. Does she enjoy dance? Gymnastics? Horseback riding? Swimming? I'd fine something where she can shine and feel good about herself and her abilities without feeling like she's "competing" with her sibling.

 

:iagree: If your kids notice that one is better and it upsets them, I'd offer the option to switch instruments. Or have one take a break for a year or two and come back to the piano when they aren't in competition with each other.

[Ali in OR]

My brother was the best artist of the 4 kids in our family. Does that mean that none of the rest of us should improve our own skills or enjoy art? 3 of the 4 of us have pursued some kind of art on our own as adults just for the fun of it. Should my sister and I lay down our paint brushes or cameras or scrapbooking supplies simply because our brother has more talent? To me it's not a competition. Each child is pursuing their own development.

 

My two girls both take piano lessons and have different strengths. If one child had all of the strengths, we'd have one fantastic musician. As it is we have two middle of the road musicians, but both learn and improve and get to participate in this aspect of life. I guess I would encourage your dd to work on her own development; to become the best that she can be. There will always be someone better than you, but that doesn't mean you don't get to play the game. Perhaps if both kids take their skills as far as they can go, they may both be in music but in different realms, perhaps a performer and a teacher. Or they may just be prepared to have a life-long enjoyment of music.

[ChandlerMom]

Sounds like a good opportunity to work on the competitiveness. IMO sibling rivalry is NOT a given, it's a choice.

 

Instead of trying to say "you're the same" try saying, "so what?" I really try to get across to my kids that life isn't a competition with anyone other than yourself. Do the most with what you're given. There is ALWAYS someone smarter, pretty, taller, funnier, more talented than you. So what? Going to curl up in a ball and let someone else decide for you what you can be? Just do the things left over that someone else is NOT good at? And then when someday you meet someone better than you at those things you'll quit them as well? There are thousands of piano protegies that would make your ds look bad. Again, so what?

 

If you spend your life competing with your sibling, at BEST you will strive to be just a snip better than them. That's all it takes to "win" right? But what if that only takes 70% of your capability? If you only compete with yourself then on average you can do so much better in life. Be proud of your siblings for their gifts and abilities. Let them inspire you, and you them. When you see anyone "better" at something instead of begin jealous, why not think, "Hey, if I work hard who knows how good I can be."

 

Learning to enjoy OTHER people's successes is an important life skill, tied to empathy and humility.

[jenniferlee]

Chandlermom- This is a really good track - thank you.

 

Also, I've thought about having dd switch activities, but she really does enjoy piano. Also, we don't have extra money right now for another instrument, so it's not really an option.

 

You guys have brought up some good points, thanks for taking the time

 

Jen

[SKL]

In my family, we all (6 of us) "played" the piano. One was playing by ear at age 2! One never did develop the ear for it, and it's still painful to hear her play (but she plays anyway, because it's fun). The rest of us fell everywhere in-between.

 

It's pretty much the same with every skill we as a family valued. And it's the same with my daughters.

 

There is no way any two kids are going to have the same talents or interests. But all of them have some area where they excel. Perhaps your daughter has not yet found her niche, and maybe you can help her by pointing out what she happens to do particularly well. There's an ongoing mantra in my house: "everyone has different strengths." I never try to say that one kid is as good / almost as good / could be as good as sister at something. That would just encourage them to compare instead of pursuing their own strenghts. And comparing is limiting.

 

But when I want one to be inspired to work toward a skill the other has mastered, I will say stuff like "if you work hard, you will soon be able to read the book your sister just read" or "you'll be able to ride bikes with your sister at Safety Town." So the focus is on moving forward toward a definable goal, not the goal of beating Sis.

[Mommy22alyns]

I would probably put the less "gifted" one in a different activity if it's bothering them. Both of my girls take gymnastics, but Rebecca is really talented whereas Sylvia is just dabbling. Luckily for us, Sylvia doesn't seem to notice or care that Becca takes twice a week and she takes once (and Becca's been 2x/week since she was 5) or that Becca is in a higher level than she is. She probably attributes it to the fact that Becca is older and doesn't really put together that Becca was better at 6 than she is now.

 

Anyway, if it really became a problem I'd probably put Sylvia in a different activity altogether. That was my original plan, but Sylvia wanted to do gymnastics.

[snickelfritz]

Hmmmmm....Well, my older switched instruments. But she switched to the piano, which we owned. And many of their other interests are the same. So, music was easy to make different.

 

Since, for you, switching isn't an option, that will be an area where older sibling has to learn that different people are better at different things. Other posters before me gave good ideas.

 

BUT, I would give her some opportunities to try some different things than her brother. Maybe she can take a pottery class with friends. Or a sport. It's not fun for a sibling to always be better. Even worse, I think, when it is a younger sibling.

[Donna]

I asked my kids what instruments they'd like to play and luckily they all chose different instruments. It is sure easier that way!

[Paula in MS]

If these were my piano students, I would make sure that they not work with the same music. If they are still in lesson books, they should be in books by different publishers. Their supplemental music could be geared toward what they like which is probably vastly different. It may be more difficult to judge who is making more progress this way and cut down on any competitiveness. They will have more difficulty assessing this as well when they are playing different styles of music. As time goes on, they will probably both develop their own strengths.

 

Paula

[jennsmile]

We all had to learn piano. We all had different skill levels. My older brother loved Jazz music. My younger brother was the gifted talented one that composed music and was wonderful. My youngest brother stuck it out and refuses to play in public, at least I have never heard him. I was the one who worked hard to play memorize my pieces and worked and worked. I can play in church and often do, mostly sight-reading on the spot. I am not perfect but I can play and enjoy it.

 

Perhaps your children like a different kind of music? Jazz, classical, modern, show tunes ect? Maybe that would be a way to make it less of a competition.

[Crimson Wife]

If these were my piano students, I would make sure that they not work with the same music. If they are still in lesson books, they should be in books by different publishers. Their supplemental music could be geared toward what they like which is probably vastly different. It may be more difficult to judge who is making more progress this way and cut down on any competitiveness. They will have more difficulty assessing this as well when they are playing different styles of music. As time goes on, they will probably both develop their own strengths.

 

Paula

 

Paula beat me to the punch! :iagree:

Jazz piano might be a good option for the one who seems to have a natural "ear" for the music because of all the improvisation.

[Renee in NC]

I agree with the others who have said that someone being better than you is a given in life. I tell my dc all the time that some people just have to work harder to get to the same place. I even typed up the saying I read here and put it on the refrigerator:

 

"Hard work beats talent when talent hardly works."

 

A good example is my 10yo. By all accounts he should not be able to do half of what he does, but he is the HARDEST working kid I have ever seen. He struggles with things that my 7yo gets with no problem. However, in the long run, he will succeed more than she will because he has learned to work hard at things that are hard. I can only hope that she learns the same lessons.

 

Having said that, I always look for things that a child can excel at easier in addition to the things that are harder.

[SKL]

If these were my piano students, I would make sure that they not work with the same music. If they are still in lesson books, they should be in books by different publishers. Their supplemental music could be geared toward what they like which is probably vastly different. It may be more difficult to judge who is making more progress this way and cut down on any competitiveness. They will have more difficulty assessing this as well when they are playing different styles of music. As time goes on, they will probably both develop their own strengths.

 

Paula

 

When I was a kid, we all used each other's books. That would not have made a difference at all, other than to give the more gifted one more material to work with.

 

My kids are both using the same piano books. One (the younger) is ahead of the other and they both know it. They don't have a problem with it. They don't expect to have the same level of ability in each skill area. Now if one of the kids had not yet identified her area of strength, that could be a problem.

 

In our case, the fact that they use the same book actually helps the younger by giving her a preview of the upcoming music pieces. So she is probably less behind than she would otherwise be.

[SKL]

I agree with the others who have said that someone being better than you is a given in life. I tell my dc all the time that some people just have to work harder to get to the same place. I even typed up the saying I read here and put it on the refrigerator:

 

"Hard work beats talent when talent hardly works."

 

A good example is my 10yo. By all accounts he should not be able to do half of what he does, but he is the HARDEST working kid I have ever seen. He struggles with things that my 7yo gets with no problem. However, in the long run, he will succeed more than she will because he has learned to work hard at things that are hard. I can only hope that she learns the same lessons.

 

So true. My 4yo has just been promoted to KG and will join her 5yo sister's class. I am already strategizing how to get DD4 to be responsible about her homework. She is years ahead in terms of academic ability, but has a really hard time developing good habits. DD5 has vision problems and really struggles with visual memory, but she is beyond her years when it comes to responsibility and planning. Who knows which one will end up with the best grades? I agree that everyone needs to have some area where they have to work to succeed, since that's the best prep for life.

[zaichiki]

[quote=Ali in OR;3368934Each child is pursuing their own development.

Another thing to remember is that, at some point, all siblings become adults. Would it make any sense if the 30 year old was better at everything than the 28 year old due to the sheer difference of 2 years? No! At some point, EVERY child has to come to terms with the fact that people have their strengths and it's not age-based. I think it's our responsibility, as parents, to help guide them there.

 

If you can, diffuse the competition. If you cannot remove it, then help them embrace the idea that they're just different and that's okay.

[zaichiki]

If these were my piano students, I would make sure that they not work with the same music. If they are still in lesson books, they should be in books by different publishers. Their supplemental music could be geared toward what they like which is probably vastly different. It may be more difficult to judge who is making more progress this way and cut down on any competitiveness. They will have more difficulty assessing this as well when they are playing different styles of music. As time goes on, they will probably both develop their own strengths.

 

Paula

 

This doesn't really mask it unless the differences are minute.

 

My older two kids play two different instruments... and most of their repertoire, now, is completely different. BUT it's hard to miss that little sister has caught up to and surpassed big brother in terms of musicality, technical acuity, and just *everything* related to music. She even plays *his* music after hearing him play it a few times. We can't distract them from the fact that music comes more easily to her (of course she also practices more). We do point out, when necessary, that sister

1. is more passionate about music and therefore
   
2. practices more
   

And that makes a difference.

 

But we also point out that ds has strengths and interests that she does not.

 

Different strokes for different folks and all that, but I want my kids to appreciate each other's talents and not feel measured by or jealous of each other.