Children of a mentally ill parent

[Harriet Vane]

If you grew up with a mentally ill parent and are willing to pm me, I would be so very grateful. I am interested to hear your perspective or any advice you may have to offer.

 

There is someone in my life with an undiagnosed mental illness. (It's not my husband--my concerns are not for me or mine, but for others.) This person is not specifically abusive in any way, though this person struggles with extreme hyperactivity and attention/focus issues, lack of impulse control and corresponding poor judgment, and I suspect a little OCD (need for order and specific setup of physical environment, constant rearranging of environment, etc.). This person has a bewildering mix of control issues and lack of boundaries, and some honesty issues (though I suspect the dishonesty is tied in with the impulsivity and hyperactivity).

 

I worry about the children in the family. I see only two outcomes for them--either a full acceptance of a chaotic life, resulting in a VERY dysfunctional life as adults, OR if they grow to see the truth (ie--the issues and the negative impact on their life) they will suffer as they process just how ugly the truth is.

 

I am upset about the options here.

 

Because the person in question is not specifically abusive, I have no ability to help in any legal way.

 

I never, ever criticize the person in question. I focus on providing a loving and constant presence to the family.

 

As I said, I would appreciate your perspective, even if that perspective is negative re the outcome. The more realistic my understanding, the better I am able to help.

[higginszoo]

It's a tough situation. My parents weren't mentally ill, but my mom's mom was (bipolar, undiagnosed until she was in her 70s, unmedicated until her 80s). I remember when my aunt was in college, she'd have to call and have my dad come get her and bring her to our house because it wasn't safe with her mom at home. When my grandmother passed away, there was a strange sense of relief that both of her children had and felt guilty for.

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for the pms. I'm heading out to dear sil's house now, but will respond later.

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:Strider: My dh grew up in a home with a schizophrenic manic-depressed; OCD dad who was prone to panic attacks and heard voices regularly. PM me if you want to ask me anything. I'll be praying.

[misidawnrn]

My mom is a depressed, anorexic, alcoholic, hoarder who feels like she has to "have a man in her life" even if he is an abusive, sexual predator, alcoholic. We grew up with many different men in our lives, some nice...some not so much. I sat in the back yard with my mom as she tried to shoot herself with a gun, pleading with her to not do it. We grew up trying to "please" mom, telling her she was pretty, looked nice, etc. We also grew up thinking the mess in our house was our fault and heard many times how she was such a great housekeeper until she had kids. One by one, we moved out and her house got messier and messier. My 2 little sisters suffered most of the sexual abuse. I got most of the verbal abuse. I had a baby at 17...I won't enlighten you to the language I heard from my then step dad about what a "wh0r3" I was because I was having s3x. I weigh the most of my mom and sisters so I have heard a lot of "are your ankles swollen?" snide comments from my mom and stupid comments about how she can fit pants she found that fit my sisters in like the 6th grade.

Long story short, I went through boyfriends like crazy in my 20s, all of them abusive-physically or emotionally, alcoholics, cheaters, etc, was married and divorced, looking for the perfect man in my mother's style. Then, I wisened up, stop looking for "prince charming" and found my rock. We are stable, happy, love and respect each other, he doesn't drink, doesn't raise his voice to me and isn't controlling. It isn't a fairytale but it is comfortable.

 

I do have some issues with anxiety about "not doing things right" that I contribute to my mother (and very over critical father) but I no longer have the panicky feelings. Part of that I give my husband credit for. He doesn't negatively comment about my weight, my hair, my makeup (or lack of it), my clothes, my homemaking abilities, my cooking, etc.

 

I stay away from my mom. I talk to her twice a year...mother's day and her birthday. I don't bring my kids to visit her and we live a few miles from her. I don't want her influencing my children's young and tender mind. I rarely drink a glass of wine and usually not until my girls are in bed so they don't see alcohol as a normality. I am super overprotective of who is around my children, where they go, who they are with. My 7 year old has spent less than 5-8 nights at a friend's house...and only one of my very good, oldest most trusted friend's house at that. My 2 yo doesn't go to daycare. I am terrified of them getting abused.

 

I am opposite of a hoarder. I would rather throw it away than have things in piles. (OK, collecting books for homeschool doesn't count!) I went to college to be able to provide more for my children than Cherrios for dinner. (I still shop at thrift stores but that is more to avoid buying directly from China and to be more thrifty) but I don't HAVE to shop there, I choose to.

 

I have one sister who is just like me. The other one, not so much. She is obsessed with her looks, finding a man, is messy, etc. Hopefully she is just still young and wisen up. If not, OK.

 

Sorry for the rambling. Hope all is well for the children involved. I think I turned out OK.

[DawnM]

I am heading out the door but I am quite positive my mom has mental issues that have never been dealt with. She is probably manic and probably borderline personality disorder and possibly more.

 

I never know which mom I am getting, nice listening mom or mom who is mean and nasty and throws a fit like a 2 year old when she doesn't get her way. And it can change on a dime. Or listening mom can bank what you tell her and let it out during mean mom phase.

 

Mental illness actually runs in her family. (I was adopted at birth and am not biologically related!)

 

Dawn

[TravelingChris]

I just wanted to say that part of what the OP is describing could be ADHD and dishonesty is not part of ADHD.

 

My mother developed major depression after my father died. I have no idea if she had other episodes before I was born. The main effect it had on me is that I grew up very quickly. I was 13 when my father died and my mom got depressed. Even though I had a much older brother (6 years older), I ended up taking care of the family which also included my sister who was 10. That meant things like I did the taxes starting the following year, I ended up doing most of the family shopping, made meals, etc. Even when my mom got better, I was still doing a lot because that had become our pattern. The hardest part for me was when my younger sister started developing bipolar disease. That was when I was around 17 or 18 and fortunately I was able to go to college away from home when I was about 18.75. The dumbest part of my sister and her disease was the stupid therapist she saw who must have been into Freudian crap and told her that her problems were because she was teased by her brother and me when she was young. We barely teased her and it certainly wasn't the cause of her manic-depressive episodes. She didn't get the help she needed and it makes me very sad to think how the rest of her life went. She died at age 34 of a second heart attack. My mom died when I was 23 from ALS.

[kalanamak]

Personally, I would try to be as calm, mature, kind, strong a role model I could be for those kids. If you live near them, see them. If you don't. Write letters, even if they don't write back. Send a card to each on their birthday, the holidays, etc, with a little gift for Xmas and Bday. You can't pull them out, but you can offer them an alternative. Hopefully those didn't inherit the condition will see your example as an exit.

 

:grouphug:

[joannqn]

Be there for the kids as much as you can. Listen. Remind them that it isn't their fault. If possible, get them involved in Alateen when they are old enough. It's specifically for teens with alcoholic parents but mentally ill parents will present them with similar challenges, so the skills learned there will be helpful. When they are 16 (typically), they should attend Adult Children Anonymous meetings, if at all possible. It started as a support group for adult children of alcoholics but has expanded to include anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional home because, again, they develop similar traits.

 

I grew up in a home where my father drank, parents used drugs, and neighbor sexually molested me. ACA has literally saved my life and continues to keep me sane and less dysfunctional. Are my kids growing up in a dysfunctional home? Yes, but it is healthier than it would have been without ACA. I will encourage my kids to attend meetings when they are old enough.

[serendipitous journey]

bump.

[zaichiki]

There is someone in my life with an undiagnosed mental illness.

 

I think the best thing you can do to help the children is encourage (in any way you know how) the person to get diagnosed. Once they are diagnosed, there will be help. If there is no diagnosis, there is no mental illness.

 

If there is mental illness and you are EVER worried about the children (is there no mentally-healthy parent involved on a daily basis?), you should "put your money where your mouth is" and try to get the kids out. I wish someone in my family had done that for my brother and me when we were young. I had lots of aunts and uncles, but everyone was eager to believe that we would be fine. Well, we're alive, but our childhood was no walk in the park. They could have done something. I have to be honest and say that I do sometimes resent that they did not.

[Harriet Vane]

I think the best thing you can do to help the children is encourage (in any way you know how) the person to get diagnosed. Once they are diagnosed, there will be help. If there is no diagnosis, there is no mental illness.

 

If there is mental illness and you are EVER worried about the children (is there no mentally-healthy parent involved on a daily basis?), you should "put your money where your mouth is" and try to get the kids out. I wish someone in my family had done that for my brother and me when we were young. I had lots of aunts and uncles, but everyone was eager to believe that we would be fine. Well, we're alive, but our childhood was no walk in the park. They could have done something. I have to be honest and say that I do sometimes resent that they did not.

 

While I appreciate what you have to say, and agree in many ways, it just will not happen.

 

Oldest child is not old enough to engineer a diagnosis, and any attempts on my part to influence the children to influence the parent will be seen quite negatively. If I were discovered doing that, I can assure you that I would never see those kids again.

 

There is NO mentally healthy parent involved--only an undiagnosed single parent.

 

As for trying to get the kids out, there is literally no way. I am VERY familiar with the ins and outs of the foster care system. The parent in question is crazy but never physically abusive, and everyone is fed and clothed. The parent in question is not delusional or dangerous. The only avenue I have for helping the children is by my own continued presence in their lives and open home.

[higginszoo]

 

As for trying to get the kids out, there is literally no way. I am VERY familiar with the ins and outs of the foster care system. The parent in question is crazy but never physically abusive, and everyone is fed and clothed. The parent in question is not delusional or dangerous. The only avenue I have for helping the children is by my own continued presence in their lives and open home.

My grandfather was in the Merchant Marine, so often my mom and aunt's situation was much like a single parent situation. and their mom wasn't usually completely unfit. But one thing that I know that they did enjoy was getting a break from it all. They had some family members and close family friends who would come up with an excuse to take them for a week or so ... it was tricky sometimes, but they definitely did enjoy the respite, and it helped them deal with the home situation, knowing that every now and then, they could get a break. A neighbor was apparently especially good at seeing when my grandmother was having a particularly bad spell, and would hire them to help around the house or something and make some excuse (like wanting to get a 6 am start, or needing to keep working until late) to have them just sleep over.

[serendipitous journey]

I agree with the OP that removing children is often impossible, even in cases of clear abuse -- the law is set up to try and "restore" families, esp. in these days of seriously constrained state funding -- and will almost certainly prevent the OP from being in a position to help them (if she tried to have the children removed).

 

Here are my little bullet-pointed ideas, as someone who has thought about this a lot; who is a [fairly ;)] highly-functioning product of a very abusive home with siblings who are less- or dys-functional; and who has some experience in the neuroscience field.

 

It may be helpful to mentally segment what you try to do for these children into two parts: making their growing-up more comfortable, and helping them so that when they are grown up they are functional. Those are distinct goals, to my mind, though related.

 

First, maintaining a sane and supportive presence in their lives is extremely valuable on both fronts (providing happiness in the short term, and better-integrated adults in the long term).

 

Second, you can begin to teach even quite young children stress reduction techniques to help them manage their responses to a chaotic environment. Help them identify the chaotic behaviors in the parent and develop adaptive techniques: you can do this gently and subtly. No doubt their parent expresses feeling overwhelmed/angry/whatever to the children; from her perspective, you can be helping the children help her. From your perspective, you can be helping them stay in touch with reality and limit the emotional damage done. The goal can't be to change the parent's behavior, which is not predictable, but to manage their own responses as well as they are able; teach them to feel successful when they are able to employ whatever adaptive techniques they can. You can PM me for more specific ideas/resources if you like.

 

Thirdly, it is terribly important that the children learn to take responsibility for their own lives, their own successes and failures, and ultimately their own happiness. This is where you may end up challenging them in the short term, for their long term good. I am going to sound harsher, probably, than I mean but if the children are to be healthy adults they simply cannot live their lives feeling sorry for themselves or believing they have been wronged by the universe. The Stoic philosophers are helpful for this (for you to read and pass on), Epictetus, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius. An easy read for moderns is A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy. There are a set of books on Constructive Living that have many good insights for situations like this, but there is also a focus on appreciating what your parents have done for you (even bad parents) that is toxic in cases of severe abuse/neglect, and also a focus on paying attention to trivialities that probably makes sense in a residential healing situation but don't for a child or a person in the real world, esp. a perfectionistic or very sensitive one. But there are wonderful nuggets to be pulled out and shared.

 

If it is possible, involve them in community service for others, maybe via a foodbank or church group. Start early and try for at least once a year.

 

The most important thing is to keep their sweet spirits in mind. You want to nurture their spirits toward truth, wholeness, and forgiveness (which I once heard defined as relinquishing the right of personal redress or vengeance, but not allowing the abuser to evade responsibility -- one book that touches on this is Amish Grace).

 

You cannot, as you know, guarantee a good outcome for these children; but you can stay engaged as you are able, provide support and joy, and nurture their spirits.