Shocked by a racist comment

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I was at a homeschool group event and was talking to another parent when they said something pretty racist. I was too stunned to react at the time, so I just didn't say anything. But, now, of course, I wish I had said something.

 

I live in a very diverse area, and almost never hear a racist remark. I'd say maybe once every 5 years or so, so it really blows my mind that people think that way when I hear something racist.

 

I guess I need to have some stock comebacks prepared so that when I'm caught off guard, I can already have a plan of action.

 

I don't really want to repeat what was said, but suffice it to say it was unflattering about another race. Any ideas?

[Guest submarines]

I'm notorious for not being able to say anything back on time, so I try to train myself to say, "I can't believe you just said this."

[tntgoodwin]

I usually go with a shocked, "Wow that was racist!"

[TravelingChris]

Haven't had this happen in over 18 years (and that was not in homeschool situation). I don't have quick comebacks but I guess I would comment on how I love MLK jr's quote and wish that one day we will not be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have not encountered this in more than 18 years (and that was not in homeschooling environment) but I don't have a really quick counterpoint. I guess I would comment that I am with MLK jr in wishing that one day our children will not be judged by the color of their skin but the content of their character.

[BarbecueMom]

I wish I knew. Before my wedding several years ago, one of my vendors made a blatantly racist remark. I was with DH and the best man, and none of us knew what to say or do. In hindsight, I should have fired her on the spot, but I was shocked, not the one paying for it, and already stressed from planning the wedding from several hours away.

 

I'm not big on confrontation, but this was a purposefully offensive statement, and I'll probably always regret not saying something.

[Harriet Vane]

I received a LOT of racist comments fourteen years ago when dh and I made the decision to move into a crime-ridden, African-American section of the city. Over the years racism has come up in conversation as well.

 

I would not go with a snarky or sarcastic response.

 

Look directly at the person and ask quietly and seriously, "What do you mean by that?" or even, "It sounds like you are saying, [repeat what was said}. Did you mean to say that?"

 

This communicates that what was said was inappropriate without being volatile. Also you may be able to gently correct a person's mindset (often not, but it's worth a try). Most often, though, your response actually silences the exchange--the other person will often change the subject or just apologize.

[TranquilMind]

I received a LOT of racist comments fourteen years ago when dh and I made the decision to move into a crime-ridden, African-American section of the city. Over the years racism has come up in conversation as well.

 

I would not go with a snarky or sarcastic response.

 

Look directly at the person and ask quietly and seriously, "What do you mean by that?" or even, "It sounds like you are saying, [repeat what was said}. Did you mean to say that?"

 

This communicates that what was said was inappropriate without being volatile. Also you may be able to gently correct a person's mindset (often not, but it's worth a try). Most often, though, your response actually silences the exchange--the other person will often change the subject or just apologize.

This is good.

 

Plus it really depends upon intent. Sometimes people think they are being humorous, and some people can kid about it, if they are a member of the group.

 

It would really depend on what was said and who said it. No facts here so can't really make a call.

[Audrey]

I usually give them "the look," and ask them "why in the world did you think it was acceptable to say that to me (or in front of me)?"

 

You would not believe how many people think I am okay with that kind of talk because I am from the South. :glare: I make a point of assuring them that Southern in no way equals trash, that there is a difference, and that if they continue to make such assumptions, I will gladly and thoroughly school them in the difference!

[Rivka]

I would not go with a snarky or sarcastic response.

 

Look directly at the person and ask quietly and seriously, "What do you mean by that?" or even, "It sounds like you are saying, [repeat what was said}. Did you mean to say that?"

 

This communicates that what was said was inappropriate without being volatile. Also you may be able to gently correct a person's mindset (often not, but it's worth a try). Most often, though, your response actually silences the exchange--the other person will often change the subject or just apologize.

 

:iagree:

 

I have definitely been that person frozen into silence, thinking "I can't believe you just said that in front of me." If you have an ongoing relationship with this person, I think it's okay to come back later and say "You know, I keep thinking about when you said ____. It really bothered me. I don't think what you said is true, and I don't think it's acceptable to say that."

[elegantlion]

I received a LOT of racist comments fourteen years ago when dh and I made the decision to move into a crime-ridden, African-American section of the city. Over the years racism has come up in conversation as well.

 

I would not go with a snarky or sarcastic response.

 

Look directly at the person and ask quietly and seriously, "What do you mean by that?" or even, "It sounds like you are saying, [repeat what was said}. Did you mean to say that?"

 

This communicates that what was said was inappropriate without being volatile. Also you may be able to gently correct a person's mindset (often not, but it's worth a try). Most often, though, your response actually silences the exchange--the other person will often change the subject or just apologize.

 

:iagree:

 

A wide eyed "Excuse me, what did you say?" might help them to backtrack.

 

or a "Seriously?" :001_huh:

[Truscifi]

I received a LOT of racist comments fourteen years ago when dh and I made the decision to move into a crime-ridden, African-American section of the city. Over the years racism has come up in conversation as well.

 

I would not go with a snarky or sarcastic response.

 

Look directly at the person and ask quietly and seriously, "What do you mean by that?" or even, "It sounds like you are saying, [repeat what was said}. Did you mean to say that?"

 

This communicates that what was said was inappropriate without being volatile. Also you may be able to gently correct a person's mindset (often not, but it's worth a try). Most often, though, your response actually silences the exchange--the other person will often change the subject or just apologize.

 

:iagree: Even with a friend, I would not just let it go. To me that is condoning the behavior.

 

I usually give them "the look," and ask them "why in the world did you think it was acceptable to say that to me (or in front of me)?"

 

You would not believe how many people think I am okay with that kind of talk because I am from the South. :glare: I make a point of assuring them that Southern in no way equals trash, that there is a difference, and that if they continue to make such assumptions, I will gladly and thoroughly school them in the difference!

 

Well bless their hearts. They must not know much about the South.

[kristinannie]

I wish I knew how to deal with something like this. I have had two ladies at Walmart ask me if my kids had three different dads since they all have different hair colors. I was so shocked both times that I just walked away. I have a similar problem with the racism. Sometimes my husband's family will say something blatantly racist. I never know how to handle that. I never want my kids to be influenced by them negatively.

[mommaduck]

I usually give them "the look," and ask them "why in the world did you think it was acceptable to say that to me (or in front of me)?"

 

You would not believe how many people think I am okay with that kind of talk because I am from the South. :glare: I make a point of assuring them that Southern in no way equals trash, that there is a difference, and that if they continue to make such assumptions, I will gladly and thoroughly school them in the difference!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Carol in Cal.]

I like Strider's response.

 

This doesn't happen to me very often, but I usually say something like, "I disagree with your characterization." Once someone was talking like that very loudly, and I knew him well enough to know that if I objected it would get MUCH worse, so I just backed away from the circle of people, shaking my head. He saw this and said, " Backing up so lightning won't strike you, too?" to which I replied, "Yup, I'm expecting it to hit you any second now!" and kept walking.

 

In general I believe that if I don't object to a remark like that I am effectively agreeing with it, because IMO they are always said in such a way that it's clear that the speaker assumes that you agree. Even if that were not true, I would hate to have ANYONE think that I felt that way.

[Alicia64]

I don't often hear blatant remarks, I usually hear carefully couched remarks that appall me.

 

Alley

[RoughCollie]

You would not believe how many people think I am okay with that kind of talk because I am from the South. :glare:

 

That happened to me when I moved to Boston.

[Parker Martin]

Racism isn't the only (or even always the most) offensive sort of thing people express. I've heard a couple anti-life comments that have stunned me into total silence.

 

I don't think that silence indicates agreement. My usual reaction to something extremely offensive is to suddenly fall silent and either avert my gaze to something else or look at the person with a curious intensity. The person almost always begins backpedaling immediately because my displeasure is obvious. If they don't, I follow up with "I don't know about that," with a WTH look on my face or "I wouldn't make that characterization," with a grave look on my face. Which comment and look depends on who said it and exactly what was said.

[Unscripted]

Well bless their hearts. They must not know much about the South.

 

Indeed!! I have heard more from "wow" statements from "transplants" than true Southerners! Lol

[LisainOhio]

I must live in the racist comment capital because I hear a lot of comments that shock me. I read an article once but I cannot remember where that talked about how it should be called out because silence would indicate agreement. It went on to say that racism when called out into the light was ugly..and it should be made known that such comments are ugly.

 

My hubby and I are white and my daughter, adopted from Guatemala, is Mayan with deep brown skin. The comments we get are often shocking. People sometimes follow it up with things like "oh you know we don't mean her. we mean those other ones" and things like that. My daughter at about age 6 started saying to people "God made every single person beautiful and He loves every single person. If He made us all white that would be boring" That really shuts people up.