ktgrok Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Ds12 was grounded from his internet and phone last week for being disrespectful. He was fairly well behaved all week. He got his phone back on friday, and it was broken. Ugh. He hadn't taken good care of it, dropped it constantly, tossed it around, and it finally broke. He was frustrated, but handled it well. We were going to replace it with the cheap prepaid phone we bought on sale a while ago, and let him wait on getting another good phone. But his dad is going to buy him a new, fancy one. Whatever. Not a hill I am going to die on. Anyway, he was supposed to get his internet turned back on today. He asked dh to do it. Dh said well, come here first, I want to talk to you about something. He started to have a talk with DS about how I know it seems we are hard on you, but we make a lot of sacrifices so that you can have things like internet and phone service. DH had been planning this talk for days. Anyway, part way through DS starts arguing with him about one of the minor points. It was not important to the main point, but in typical Aspie fashion he couldn't drop it. It turned into him getting upset and then saying how he wished I didn't sacrifice and stay home to homeschool him, that he wishes he was in school so he didn't have to be around me so much.:001_huh: Needless to say after that he didn't get the internet back. Dh was flabbergasted. he was trying so hard to have a nice, man to man talk about important things, and it just blew up. I told him the only thing I could think of was to work with DS tomorrow on listening skills, and keeping on topic, and they could try the conversation again tomorrow evening. I don't know what else to do. did I mention I HATE Asperger's syndrome??? I know that is the issue. He couldn't understand why we got upset when he kept arguing. He couldn't understand any of it. ugh. I know it isn't politically correct to say you wish there was a cure, but I do wish there was a cure. This is no fun for either of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Thanks. I needed that. My parents visited last week, and saw us for a few hours. My mom got to see what my life is like on a daily basis...it was eye opening I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 I hear you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 We started disengaging when he picks that minor point. It is amazing the difference it has made. I was discussing topic 1 with you, topic 2 is not on the table. Rinse and repeat. If he doesn't get it after three tries, the topic is dropped till another time. So,he goes to play on the internet. Remember we haven't had our discussion yet. And, an argument about you sacrificing is not a logical argument:tongue_smilie: The only logical one is the one he wins. It did take awhile, but we have seen tons of growth in this area. I really do owe it to the disengaging till he is ready to soak it in. It isn't easy. But, it's worth it for him. Just remember it is for him. Then crack open a Mike's and watch some Jersey Housewives....oh wait that's me:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 I understand! My son's got some issues with nonverbal learning and he thinks a lot like a kid with Asperger's. He just CANNOT see the big picture, and it's SO frustrating! He'll focus on one (usually unrelated/less important) detail and miss the whole point of whatever we were discussing. ACK! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 My oldest will do that. It is even more frustrating when she does it when I'm not even talking to her. She overheard a conversation I was having with a girlfriend, and had to walk into the room to tell me that what i was saying was wrong. It was not the point of the conversation, and it was actually an opinion....my opinion. She just couldn't let it go. I just repeated, "I'm not going to argue about that." in a cheerful voice. Finally after about 20 times, she left the room again. Another time her brother asked me a question about why we don't own any sheep I started answering him about how they have different nutritional needs than goats. She interrupted to say, "that is the most ignorant thing ANYONE has EVER come up with!" I tried to explain that even if in Australia they really do copper bolus sheep, I am still correct in saying that WE do not have sheep because I BeLIEVE they have different nutritional needs than goats. Of course Ds has to tease her about it now, whenever I'm talking to him, he says "Mother that is the most ignorant thing anyone has ever come up with." Dd doesn't get it. She asks why we think it is funny. She reiterates that she wasn't calling ME ignorant, just my mistaken belief. Really, she can't help herself. She is the most respectful and polite teenager on earth, but how can she just be expected to ignore the fact that people around her say things that are not technically true? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seraphina Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 :grouphug: Not that I am glad someone else goes through this with their aspie, but I kind of am, IYKWIM. The whole going on and on and on over one minute detail drives me bonkers. Some days I am able to just step back and say "we are moving on" but someday I literally want to pull my hair out. Anyhow, hang in there, you are not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom2011 Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 n/m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Needless to say after that he didn't get the internet back. Dh was flabbergasted. he was trying so hard to have a nice, man to man talk about important things, and it just blew up. I told him the only thing I could think of was to work with DS tomorrow on listening skills, and keeping on topic, and they could try the conversation again tomorrow evening. I don't know what else to do. IME, when it starts to escalate, disengage. Your son CAN'T stop, that will take years and years of maturing and social skills training. All you can do to avoid the blow-up and maintain a warm relationship is for the adult to stop. It's frustrating, but you have to do so that you don't end up in an endless adversarial loop of aspie behavior, consequence, more aspie behavior, consequence. BTDT and it was awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 Thanks everyone. We did disengage pretty quickly this time. It helped that it was bedtime anyway, lol. But I did try to explain to him the difference between a main point and a side point. I gave an example, something like, if I were debating the purpose of the revolutionary war, and accidentally got on of the General's middle initials wrong, it wouldn't really change what the main argument was, right? And that what he was arguing about was the same as a middle initial. He might be right, but it wasn't the main topic. And doesn't make the main point invalid. I think a discussion on the idea of "winning the battle but losing the war" might be in order all well. Other than that they can try again tonight I guess. Or is it hopeless to have a conversation about appreciating the sacrifices we make for him? Dh just really wants SOME acceptance of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Or is it hopeless to have a conversation about appreciating the sacrifices we make for him? Dh just really wants SOME acceptance of that. May I (gently) ask why your dh needs this from your ds? Could his need be more than your ds is able to give? Growing up isn't easy and most of us are only really able to appreciate what our parents did for us as adults. Could this be a time when the original punishment has to be enough? Aspies often simply cannot understand the big picture and I imagine it's even harder tacking male hormones into the mix? :grouphug:I feel for you in the middle of the three of them.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Dh said well, come here first, I want to talk to you about something. He started to have a talk with DS about how I know it seems we are hard on you, but we make a lot of sacrifices so that you can have things like internet and phone service. DH had been planning this talk for days. Anyway, part way through DS starts arguing with him about one of the minor points. It was not important to the main point, but in typical Aspie fashion he couldn't drop it. I hate to tell you, but that's not Asperger's. That's teenager. I know quite a few teen boys who have done the exact same thing when presented with a very similar conversation. None of them have Asperger's. I think you might want to consider that you could be blaming too much on the diagnosis, and not enough on child development? Nevertheless it is frustrating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 My son is 14 and starting to come out of the fog a little. He has shown some interest in a job and has started to appreciate things differently. So, I would give it some time and not try to out martyr him;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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