Blueridge Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I have know a sweet lady for 5 years. We even did group hs things together and were very close. The last few years we haven't been as close due to her husband's debilitating illness, but we still occasionally would call each other and chat. The last year we've not been the same, so many changes in her life. The latest conversation we had was 2 months ago, and she was telling me that she was putting her dd in a private school because of her own health (mental and physical) and because of the strain on her life because of her dh and his failing condition. She expressed concern that she thought when a hs parent stopped homeschooling, that her hs friends wouldn't want to be her friend anymore, and of course I said that would not be the case with me. It is heartbreaking, and I want to remain her friend and help. I had asked her on that last call what I could do for her. She hesitated but then asked me to write down some Bible verses for her encouragement (I did, and mailed them in a card) and perhaps bring a meal, but was insistent that I call before coming over to make sure she was 'up' to a visit. Well, I've called 5 separate times since, always leaving a message. She won't return my calls. :crying: I am now wondering if I'm not the friend that she needs right now, and I don't know if I should keep calling/emailing or just drop out of her life and let her move on. WWYD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) If she lives near you, stop in and visit her one day. I would be very concerned that she may be very depressed. She probably needs your friendship, but may feel too overwhelmed with taking care of her dh to follow up on it. Maybe her house is a mess and she's embarrassed. Maybe she's too depressed to fix herself up "for company." But if you stop by with coffee and some dessert, you could offer to sit on the porch or something, so she won't feel that she has to invite you inside the house if she hasn't had the energy to clean up. Edited September 30, 2011 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
74Heaven Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Ginger - Keep up the good work. Sounds like she needs a friend. Even if it is just an emailing, card-sending friend. I would lessen the frequency of the calls. IOW, if she wasn't calling me back when I called weekly - I'd switch to every 2-3 weeks or so but keep sending cards and emails of encouragement. I *love* God's Word. I have to be careful not to just fill a card with Bible verses (because they are encouraging and full of wisdom) and just say, "Hey. I am praying for you. I like you. Hang in there." Remind her "this is just a season"; albeit a difficult and ongoing season. Lisaj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAMom Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Ginger - Keep up the good work. Sounds like she needs a friend. Even if it is just an emailing, card-sending friend. I would lessen the frequency of the calls. IOW, if she wasn't calling me back when I called weekly - I'd switch to every 2-3 weeks or so but keep sending cards and emails of encouragement. I *love* God's Word. I have to be careful not to just fill a card with Bible verses (because they are encouraging and full of wisdom) and just say, "Hey. I am praying for you. I like you. Hang in there." Remind her "this is just a season"; albeit a difficult and ongoing season. Lisaj This is what I would do, too, in this situation. Do you have any mutual friends? If so, can you ask them if they've heard from her and if she's alright? I know, for me, it's hard to talk to friends and I tend to close off when I'm in times of great stress. I love getting cards, though. It helps sustain me and reminds me that people really do care. When my daughter died, we had one friend who made us a nice gift basket and left it on our porch. She just knocked and left so we had the benefit of a gift of healthy snacks and breakfast foods without having to engage a visitor. It was such a blessing. You're being a good friend.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I would leave a message on her machine telling her that you would loke to take her to lunch on __________day. That way she doesn't have to worry about her house and she has an idea of what day.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Your poor friend sounds like she's really having a tough time right now. It sounds quite intense. As such, I would show a LOT of grace to her and not expect the same kind of reciprocation that you might ordinarily. Keep sending her cheery notes and leaving her messages. I bet she finds it more encouraging than you know. Even if you don't hear back from her for a year, keep that door open and show her kindness. Her lack of response is likely not personal at all, but rather a function of her sick husband and trying to acclimate to new school expectations. She probably feels like she's drowning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I would maybe send another note telling her that when she's up to it to call you and maybe you two can set a date for a short get together? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted September 30, 2011 Author Share Posted September 30, 2011 Thank you all. I did leave her a cheery message today, and if I don't hear from her by next week, I'll send her a card with my plan to bring her a simple supper on Friday afternoon. If she isn't at home :001_unsure:, then I will leave it on her porch and just give her space, but she will know that I am still caring about her. Thanks again for your kind suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
proverbs356lady Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 It sounds like your friend is very overwhelmed with all that is happening in her life. You're a very sweet friend to not abandon her. I love the comments you got here and really don't have much to add. Just want to encourage you to hang in with her and continue to find creative ways to show you care which don't require anything of her right now. When I'm under stress, sick, or depressed I tend to shut others out. Over the years I've appreciated the friends who have not taken it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green Vixen Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Hi Blueridge, As someone with chronic health problems I have had a lot of friends abandon me through the years :(. It is hard to explain to healthy people just how hard everything can be on some days. It can be a huge effort to call someone back, or email them, especially when getting out of bed can be difficult. I would not take her lack of returning calls personally she is probably completely overwhelmed with life right now. Some of the things that would be helpful for me and possibly for her would be: -drop off a meal for her without any expectations of her chatting or inviting you in. -Call or email her just telling her you are thinking of her, and if she isn't doing well to not worry about calling you back but if she is you would love to chat. -Offer to take her kids out to movie or some other activity that she would like to do with them but maybe doesn't have the energy to. Depending on her kids' ages offer to watch them if she or her dh has a doctor's appointment. -Ask if you could go grocery shopping with her. I know shopping can be exhausting and having someone to help push the cart or carry groceries out to the car is helpful. -See if she has any errands to run that you could do. Maybe drop off laundry at the dry cleaner or pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. -If she isn't up to leaving the house ask if you could do a pajama coffee. Wear your pajamas over there and don't do your make up or hair. I hate it when I am looking crummy and my friends stop by all made up and cute. -Offer to vacuum her house or clean a bathroom. -Bring over a movie and have a girls night at home. Remember that this is a time when she really needs her friends. Depending on how "bad" things are she probably needs help with the basics - cooking, shopping, child-care, cleaning, etc. Any thing you could do in these areas would be helpful and most importantly having someone who will be there no matter what! Marisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Thank you all. I did leave her a cheery message today, and if I don't hear from her by next week, I'll send her a card with my plan to bring her a simple supper on Friday afternoon. If she isn't at home :001_unsure:, then I will leave it on her porch and just give her space, but she will know that I am still caring about her. Thanks again for your kind suggestions. You are such a good friend! Reading this actually made me tear up. Your friend needs your support, even when talking is (very likely) more than she can handle for whatever reason. I, too, have had chronic health issues (thankfully, no longer) and there was a period when I simply could not talk on the phone. The people who hung in there with me are angels. You are an angel for your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Call, send a note in the mail, and even drop by (with a casserole, or brownies, or something). You are a good friend. She needs you. She needs to know you care, and that you accept her no matter what. I think she's really hurting right now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Everyone has been so encouraging today! Thank you for blessing me. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I Well, I've called 5 separate times since, always leaving a message. She won't return my calls. :crying: I am now wondering if I'm not the friend that she needs right now, and I don't know if I should keep calling/emailing or just drop out of her life and let her move on. WWYD? I'd send "thinking of you' cards, and include in the messages that you don't have to come to her house, just thinking of her and available to chat is she needs to. Maybe a suggestion of getting together somewhere else/your house. It sounds like she is very mentally/emotionally overwhelmed. I've been there, even without depression there is a point just getting through the day can be an accomplishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 She may be alienating herself with her feelings about being a 'bad' homeschooler. When you call, email, or send a card, make sure to ask her how her daughter's doing, you hope she likes school, etc. To make sure she knows that just because she's not homeschooling, it doesn't mean you can't be friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 No matter what you do, I wouldn't take offense that she hasn't gotten back to you or take it personally. From what you said, it's almost certainly because of things going on with her than any feelings about you. Like someone else said, leave the door open for the relationship to re-establish in the future if it doesn't now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.