PentecostalMom Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 WARNING: :rant: :banghead: :cursing: LONG! So ds called last night and says, "Mom, I don't think I want to major in computer science. I think I want to go to Bible College." On the surface, this sounds like an okay thing we can deal with. OTOH, we are paying out of pocket for much of his expenses, especially living expenses, and he is getting some small loans for tuition. We are paying for books because the loans are too small for both tuition & books. He started college in May of '10. So, I called him back today to discuss this further (I was busy with the littles last night) only to discover that he didn't mean he was a Biblical degree of any sort, just that he wants to go to a Christian school. I can understand that as well. However, my frustrations are these. 1. We cannot afford out-of-state tuition & fees. Bcause of dh's income, he is getting all that the federal government permits each semester. There are only loans. 2. I don't really care what he majors in, and I want him to be happy. I (we) suggested before he moved to school, that he take general AA degree seeking classes until he decided. Now I feel like he has wasted both time & money because he didn't follow our advice. 3. I am trying to let him be a big boy and decide what he wants, but this is MY DIME, and we cannot afford to spend a lot of $$ for him to take this class and that trying to figure this out. So, my suggestion to him was to take the general AA seeking classes such as math, science, history, english, etc.. All of those will those will transfer. His response? "Uh, Mom, I know absolutely nothing about any of those science classes." (This was after he and I went over his degree audit over the phone.) First, he did Apologia science, so I KNOW he knows SOMETHING. Next, I told him if he did know everything in the classes that were being offered, there wouldn't be much point in attending class, now would there? So my frustration boils over and I told him to just drop out (bad mom). He said, "Believe me, I have considered it." Well, of course this isn't what I want him to do, but I have made it perfectly clear in the past that if he is in school, we will help out financially. If he drops out, he is on his own. Oh, one other thing. He is taking computer classes this term (of course). His laptop, which granted was older, took a dive. Due to about $600 in needed repairs for his car, we didn't have extra to buy a new laptop. So, I sent him my netbook. (I had a desktop and a netbook.) It "wasn't fast enough" so he sent it back. Now, I know it wasn't fast, but it was all we had. Now he figures out that he needs a computer and "doesn't have time to go to the computer lab for the 3-4 hours of work that the computer teacher assigns". I have worked out a deal with a friend of my dad's to trade the desktop for a laptop for him, but he complains that he "still doesn't have it". This is supposed to be taken care of this week, my dad has only had my desktop for a few days. My response to his complaints were that I didn't understand what else he had to do. Yes, he has a part-time job at a restaurant, maybe three shifts per week, but other than school and church, that is all. Also, his scheduled classes are only three days, so he has two full weekdays plus the weekend to go to the lab or library and use a computer. I am frustrated to no end!! Everything I suggest he shoots down or complains about, and he asked to drop a class, which I told him flat he is not doing. He needs to suck it up and talk to the professor and at least try to get a C. Okay....someone tell me to :chillpill:, that this too shall pass. Add all of this drama to a recent move, having two little ones, and being 4cm dilated with a baby due anytime and I want to scream!! Any advice would be appreciated, or if you simply read and leave that's alright, too. I really just needed to vent. Dh has no sympathy, he will cut him off and tell him to get a job. To him it is simple, which I suppose it really is. Either quit whining and go to school, or get a full-time job and support yourself until you figure it out! Sounds like good advice, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbabe Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 :grouphug: You have a lot on your plate right. Sending hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My first question is, why does he need to be working toward a major during Freshman year? Second question, why does he want to drop out? It sounds more like adjustment issues related to the first year of college. He's living away, right? There is a lot more going on in your post, but those are just the things that jump out at me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 :grouphug: Sometimes there is no easy solution. I'm wondering if he is better dropping out for a year or two, working, then having some $$ to go back and do whatever it is he's decided upon during that year or two. But...I'm just musing. I'm not 100% sure that's what I'd tell my guy if we were in the same situation. It's just what comes to mind right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholarly Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 It will be okay! I don't have kids this age, but until a year ago I was a Registrar of a Christian college, so I've seen many students/parents in situations similar to yours. My advice would be to be as supportive as possible of his choices and to encourage him to feel ownership of his choices and his life. It often ends badly when the parent has more invested in the student's education than the student does. For instance, he says he want to go to Bible college. You could ask him questions that would lead him to do research and move forward on his choice on his own. Which college? (he should pick one) Will they transfer in your completed classes? (he should have his transcripts sent over to the new college and evaluated) What is the cost for a semester? (he should talk to admissions/financial aid) Can you get scholarships? (he needs to call and find out) Then let him figure out how to make it happen. Son, we can give you X amount of money. You'll need to come up with the rest to attend this new college. If he wants it badly enough, he will do the work to make it happen. If he doesn't do the work, he doesn't want it enough. This way you aren't worrying about "what ifs" and can give serious consideration when HE has put in the time to come up with a serious plan. HTH! Good luck! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
distancia Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) :banghead: I'm going through the same kind of thing with my daughter, 18. She keeps calling me up to vent and cry and complain and ask for advice, but not one sentence comes out of my mouth before she interrupts me with "you're wrong" or "you have no idea how it is". Even though we suggested dd stay home another semester or two and complete her AA degree, she felt it was time to move out and go to "away" school. She knew she was going to major in Anthropology at a certain LAC, and our budget and her scholarships got her there. Well, now she's there she has changed her major and is taking a whole slew of different courses and not only that, she's finding out the school doesn't have what she needs, exactly (hello! could've told you that if only you asked!) But what I am hearing the most is "I just don't have any time for ..." which really is telling me she isn't managing her time well. She grumbles about having to do her laundry, her room is always messy, cooking meals and cleaning the dishes takes sooooo much time, going to the grocery store is such a hassle, how on earth is there any time to study? Welcome to real life, sweetie! Edited September 20, 2011 by distancia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 :banghead: I'm going through the same kind of thing with my daughter, 18. She keeps calling me up to vent and cry and complain and ask for advice, but not one sentence comes out of my mouth before she interrupts me with "you're wrong" or "you have no idea how it is". Even though we suggested dd stay home another semester or two and complete her AA degree, she felt it was time to move out and go to "away" school. She knew she was going to major in Anthropology at a certain LAC, and our budget and her scholarships got her there. Well, now she's there she has changed her major and is taking a whole slew of different courses and not only that, she's finding out the school doesn't have what she needs, exactly (hello! could've told you that if only you asked!) But what I am hearing the most is "I just don't have any time for ..." which really is telling me she isn't managing her time well. She grumbles about having to do her laundry, her room is always messy, cooking meals and cleaning the dishes takes sooooo much time, going to the grocery store is such a hassle, how on earth is there any time to study? Welcome to real life, sweetie! Glad to know I am not alone, even though I know this is frustrating!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trilliums Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 So, I called him back today to discuss this further (I was busy with the littles last night) only to discover that he didn't mean he was a Biblical degree of any sort, just that he wants to go to a Christian school. I can understand that as well. ? I'd pay particular attention to his desire to switch to a Christian school. I'd wonder if there are issues going on not related to the academics at all. Also he does sound overwhelmed. This morning DS (13) looked at his daily schedule and claimed, "There's so much to do! How will I fit in the things I want to do along with the things I need to do?" I think we all continue to struggle with this. Staying on track is hard! Disclaimer: We are not a religious family, but a request to move to a Christian school seems like call for help! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
distancia Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I'd pay particular attention to his desire to switch to a Christian school. I'd wonder if there are issues going on not related to the academics at all. Disclaimer: We are not a religious family, but a request to move to a Christian school seems like call for help! Same here: we're not strict Christians, per se, as we lead a liberal, ope-minded lifestyle, but dd has a deep sense of propriety, and she is highly offended by all the in-your-face attitudes she has seen on every campus thus far. The posters for free neon condoms (and boxes of free condoms blatantly available everywhere around campus); the drinking; the loud noise and parties on weekends (she's come home every weekend to get away from it) is a major turn-off. And this is at a small, well-respected LAC! If there were a private (religious) school that offered dd a more spiritual experience along with the classes in her field and a substantial scholarship package like she has now, believe me, she would be transferring there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 We are strong Christians, and I do understand why he wants to attend a Christian college. He wants and needs the camraderie of other Christians. He has made huge strides in his Christian walk since he has moved out and we are extremely proud of him. The school he attends now is small and not Christian, and we had previously discussed him transferring after he obtains his AA. It is a moot point right this moment because we are in the midst of a lease we just signed in August, so he could not transfer until fall of '12. He is attending our home church and has a good support system with both dh & my family in the same town. Dh's family also attend the same church, and my MIL is the church secretary. His friends are there that he has been around for 10+ years, and are Christians as well. I would actually be more worried if he moved away to a different area, because I know now when he does go to church and not, and how he is doing. Many of my close friends are there as well, and dh grew up in this church. We are doing better now, he is settled down a bit. He agreed that taking the core classes until he figures out what he wants to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 This is why if my kids want to go to college when they get older it will be on THEIR dime. I strongly support kids going to college. I fully intend to save a collection of money and match 1-1 (or even possibly 2-1) the funds that my kids raise on their own for attending the college of their choice. It will be a reasonable time period basis, though (ie - I will match funds up to 4 years of post-sec education, then they are on their own). There are lots of jobs out there that do not require college degrees. Some of those jobs are quite lucrative and long-lasting (including the one my dh is currently doing). There are also lots of people with college degrees in well-paying lines of work that hate their jobs. Having a college degree in and of itself does NOT make someone better able to handle life - it may be of some assistance, but it is the work and responsibility going into earning that degree that really helps. My advice - don't make it "your dime" anymore. Tell him to get a job and figure things out. Do what your dh suggests. In fact, go even further - not just "go to school or get a job" - make it "go to school AND get a job in order to pay for it"! Use the money you have saved to match him on money he earns - that will give him assistance while making it his life and his gain or loss to succeed. Life is not a free ride, and stressing yourself over something that is now in your adult child's hands is no good. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yolanda in Mass Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 It doesn't sound like this is the case with the OP, but I agree with Black Midori that some kids are simply not ready or college is not for them. My ds is 21 and has done 3 semesters of cc, 10 weeks of Bible school and 10 wks of a university. We are done funding any more (cc was fine, it's the other stuff that was a waste of money) until he is completely and totally vested in the process. He is now working full time earning some much needed money, learning some responsibility, growing up, and figuring out what he's going to do with the rest of his life. He is also learning that with no skills, the job market really stinks so he's going to have to step it up at some point. :) Yolanda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GingerPoppy Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 It will be okay! I don't have kids this age, but until a year ago I was a Registrar of a Christian college, so I've seen many students/parents in situations similar to yours. My advice would be to be as supportive as possible of his choices and to encourage him to feel ownership of his choices and his life. It often ends badly when the parent has more invested in the student's education than the student does. For instance, he says he want to go to Bible college. You could ask him questions that would lead him to do research and move forward on his choice on his own. Which college? (he should pick one) Will they transfer in your completed classes? (he should have his transcripts sent over to the new college and evaluated) What is the cost for a semester? (he should talk to admissions/financial aid) Can you get scholarships? (he needs to call and find out) Then let him figure out how to make it happen. Son, we can give you X amount of money. You'll need to come up with the rest to attend this new college. If he wants it badly enough, he will do the work to make it happen. If he doesn't do the work, he doesn't want it enough. This way you aren't worrying about "what ifs" and can give serious consideration when HE has put in the time to come up with a serious plan. HTH! Good luck! :grouphug: Excellent advice--will tuck this away in my back pocket! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb in NZ Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 We're going thru this with dd at the moment. She is majorly stressed & can't see how to balance study, life, etc. I have even gone so far as print up weekly schedules to show her how to fit study into her other commitments. If this had come up 18 months ago I wouldn't have been so surprised. But dd is finishing up her 2nd year of study! If she can get her act together & finish the year she'll have her Diploma of Marine Studies (like an AA). Just one more year of study will earn her a BS-Marine Biology, but she must pass all her courses to be accepted into the BS 3rd year. I've even gone so far as to tell her to strongly consider not doing the 3rd year, but instead to look at getting a cadetship on the youth training Tall Ship that she volunteers on regularly. With her goals of working overseas, having a BS would be very valuable, but not at the expense of her health or if she fails, due to poor time management. She's on the Tall Ship at the moment, hopefully doing a lot of soul-searching. I pray that she'll return home with a clear view of what she wants to do & a plan to put it into motion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 We are strong Christians, and I do understand why he wants to attend a Christian college. He wants and needs the camraderie of other Christians. He has made huge strides in his Christian walk since he has moved out and we are extremely proud of him. The school he attends now is small and not Christian, and we had previously discussed him transferring after he obtains his AA. It is a moot point right this moment because we are in the midst of a lease we just signed in August, so he could not transfer until fall of '12. He is attending our home church and has a good support system with both dh & my family in the same town. Dh's family also attend the same church, and my MIL is the church secretary. His friends are there that he has been around for 10+ years, and are Christians as well. I would actually be more worried if he moved away to a different area, because I know now when he does go to church and not, and how he is doing. Many of my close friends are there as well, and dh grew up in this church. We are doing better now, he is settled down a bit. He agreed that taking the core classes until he figures out what he wants to do. Glad to read the update! Life is seldom as "tidy" as it is in the movies or sitcoms. Real situations definitely keep us on our toes and keep our brain cells working on overtime! FWIW, oldest son had a roommate last year who had transferred to his Christian college from a state school out west. The roommate loved the difference in atmosphere. Sometimes finding a fit works out for the best. They were fortunate with the financial aspect though... they used military benefits of some sort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Just FYI, he does have a job. We are paying his rent (which is all-inclusive) and he is responsible for gas, food, clothes, spending money, etc. The FA he gets covered his tuition this semester, but not books. Because we are trying to make him responsible for some of this, the loans he gets are banked and used (if any is left over) for any unexpected expenses (like the car repair). If the car had not needed repairs, we would have had enough for books. We want to help him some because we plan to have college accounts for the rest of the children, but simply were not in a financial position to save for him when he was younger. Things have changed financially for us, so we are doing what we can, but that is limited. He knows all of this. I made it perfectly clear that his "job" is going to school, and if he tanks on the core classes, he is on his own. Thanks for the support & encouragement. I know college may not be for him, but I also feel like he is 1/2 done with the AA and should finish it. As it stands now, his options are to either stay in school FULL TIME and we will continue to help or anything less than full-time and he has to contribute more financially. Option three is to totally drop out, but then he has to totally financially support himself. Now Mom just has to :chillpill:! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngieW in Texas Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 My 18yo has been frustrating at times as well. She got a scholarship that completely waived tuition and fees for 4 years at her school as long as she maintains a 3.0 GPA and takes at least 15 unique hours each semester (repeated classes don't count in the required 15 hours). She even got a stipend towards on-campus housing and has a full, unlimited meal plan. We didn't want her to get a job because we already know that she has time management issues and no part-time job is going to pay her enough to make up for losing her scholarship (which she'd likely lose if she had to work on top of going to school). Even so, she is having a hard time getting everything done. Not because of a lack of time, but because of procrastination and lack of organization. One nice thing about her dorm is that they actually have room checks 1x/month, so she does actually have to clean up her room at least on a monthly basis. I chatted with her online a couple of days after the room check and she said her room was SO much nicer to be in after she cleaned it that she's really going to try to maintain it. Her school has "success coaches" you can sign up for. The service is FREE. They help you with time management and organization. She doesn't want to do it. It's quite frustrating. She told me that this past week was the first time she made it to her creative writing class with everything she was supposed to have. That is her first class of the day on Tu/Th and it isn't until 4pm. You'd think she'd be able to pull everything together to have all she needed by 4pm! Oh well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmitchell Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. When I am spinning over an issue, I will calmly imagine the situation 10, 20, or 30 years down the road and look back over my shoulder and give myself advice from that perspective. Be at peace. All will be well. Answers come when you need them, never before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. When I am spinning over an issue, I will calmly imagine the situation 10, 20, or 30 years down the road and look back over my shoulder and give myself advice from that perspective. Be at peace. All will be well. Answers come when you need them, never before. Check your dates. Many of your posts are old threads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. When I am spinning over an issue, I will calmly imagine the situation 10, 20, or 30 years down the road and look back over my shoulder and give myself advice from that perspective. Be at peace. All will be well. Answers come when you need them, never before. Check your dates. Many of your posts are old threads. The first poster I quoted was just trying to log fifty quick posts so that he/she could list sale items. It certainly does not contribute to the conversation although I do wonder how things resolved themselves for the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 The first poster I quoted was just trying to log fifty quick posts so that he/she could list sale items. It certainly does not contribute to the conversation although I do wonder how things resolved themselves for the OP. And the books posted for sale are at premium prices. Dealer? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) The first poster I quoted was just trying to log fifty quick posts so that he/she could list sale items. It certainly does not contribute to the conversation although I do wonder how things resolved themselves for the OP. I happened to see this was resurrected and read through so I decided to update since someone kindly asked. Ds struggled with college through fall and spring semesters, so badly that he is now on academic warning. I am disappointed, but I have to keep focused on the fact that this is his life to live. He is taking the summer off with plans to go back in the fall, but perhaps he will only go back for some sort of certification and not to finish his degree. He will be working nearly full time this summer to pay his own bills since we will not be doing that, and he will not receive any money from school. My husband and I (along with our littles) are moving to work for an orphanage our church runs and will no longer be financially able to help him as much as we have been. We have told him that we can afford to give him $150 monthly, and he has to figure out the rest. The good news for him is that we are taking a pay cut of about 75% so he should qualify for lots of free money! The bad news is that we won't be able to help him other than what we offered. He has been seeking God about his future for several months and feels he is being led into missions. I have been praying for and with him for guidance. Right now his attitude is great, he is being encouraging, helpful, respectful, and thankful. There have been some rough times, his car broke down and we had to get a "new" (used) one, then that one had problems and we had to get it fixed, too. Then he lost his job because of the car issues and had to get a new job as well. It was a rough month or so, but I think he is stronger and wiser because of it. He is maturing, and it is good to see. Bittersweet, because sometimes I want my baby boy back! It's time for him to fly and this is a hard time for moms! Edited May 24, 2012 by PentecostalMom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I'm glad you updated. Sometimes I look at the knuckleheaded things my sons are doing, and I think that I need to call my parents and say thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in AL Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I'm glad you updated. Sometimes I look at the knuckleheaded things my sons are doing, and I think that I need to call my parents and say thank you. Isn't that the truth!! OP, I'm also glad you updated. Parenting isn't for sissies, that's for sure. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 I'm glad you updated. Sometimes I look at the knuckleheaded things my sons are doing, and I think that I need to call my parents and say thank you. Isn't that the truth!! OP, I'm also glad you updated. Parenting isn't for sissies, that's for sure. :grouphug: You are both so right!! I do have to say I dropped out of college, got pregnant, was a hard-core party girl, etc., etc. When I look back on me, then look at him, he is doing much better. Not academically maybe, but he has a heart for God. If I can live by 3 John 1:4 where my children are concerned, then I have been successful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 It's time for him to fly and this is a hard time for moms! I guess a bit of good came out of a dealer resurrecting old threads. Thank you for the update. Wishing your son and your family well. Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane in NC Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I'm glad you updated. Sometimes I look at the knuckleheaded things my sons are doing, and I think that I need to call my parents and say thank you. Snort! Parents often say boys are "easier" since there seems to be less emotional drama with them than girls. But boys can be such knuckleheads! Keeping my fingers crossed on this end, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 Any advice would be appreciated, or if you simply read and leave that's alright, too. I really just needed to vent. Dh has no sympathy, he will cut him off and tell him to get a job. To him it is simple, which I suppose it really is. Either quit whining and go to school, or get a full-time job and support yourself until you figure it out! Sounds like good advice, huh? Yes, it does. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 This parenting older kids is tough!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Oh boy, do I know it!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Snort! Parents often say boys are "easier" since there seems to be less emotional drama with them than girls. But boys can be such knuckleheads! Keeping my fingers crossed on this end, Jane Yup....boys are knuckleheads. :001_huh: Eta: Thanks for the update! Didn't realize this was a resurrected post....Blessings and prayers on all your new adventures. Edited May 24, 2012 by Mommyfaithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.