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Pretty in Pink

Pretty in Pink

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Emergency Management Services

Subject: Hurricane Threat

 

OFFICIAL SOUTH CAROLINA LAW ENFORCEMENT BULLETIN

 

URGENT - URGENT - URGENT OFFICIAL SOUTH CAROLINA LAW (FOR

IMMEDIATE DISSEMINATION STATEWIDE)

 

 

Warning to all South Carolina residents of a possible hurricane threat. The path of impending hurricane Irene is still unclear and may be a threat to our state. Although meteorologists are predicting

landfall somewhere to the north of South Carolina, state emergency

preparedness officials are making two basic but important points:

 

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

 

Hurricane season is an exciting time to be in South Carolina. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on experience, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

 

STEP 1. Buy enough food, beer, and bottled water to last your family for at least three

days.

 

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

 

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in South Carolina.

 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

 

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

 

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Carolina, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any

moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane

George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bubba and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bubba and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

 

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the

windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

 

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection:

 

They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

 

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

 

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an

evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "South Carolina," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of

supplies. Do not buy them now! South Carolina tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

 

Bleach. (We don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

 

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

 

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

 

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Hugo. After the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

 

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

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Live2Ride

Live2Ride

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That was so funny!

 

My prayers go out to those along the coast!

 

I called my Nanny in NC a few days ago. She's prepared she said, so I asked what all she had got. Yep, she's good. I should have known though because she's grown up in Florida most of her life and in NC for the last 12 years or so. Then I called my mom in upper FL...she's sitting there watching the waves erode the beach-another native Floridian :D. She says they didn't get anything but some rain and wind and that'll probably be it.

 

Last weekend I was actually disappointed that it wasn't projected to be heading our way :tongue_smilie:. We need the rain and after last year's bust of: "It's going to be a busy season for LA" and the same prediction for this year and yet, so far, nothing, I'm ready to start up the generator, fire up the grill, and pretend like we're out of power :lol:

 

Of course I don't worry about the stores being out of anything during hurricane season...this little Mormon mom is prepared ;)

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DusksAngel

DusksAngel

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Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

 

This is my favorite part. I watch these reporters (wonder how much they get in hazard pay) thinking, ummm.... why aren't you taking your own advice? And why should anyone else not do what you ARE doing?

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melissel

melissel

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Posted
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

 

This is my favorite part. I watch these reporters (wonder how much they get in hazard pay) thinking, ummm.... why aren't you taking your own advice? And why should anyone else not do what you ARE doing?

 

:lol::lol::lol: Oh, were you watching the Weather Channel footage of Mike Seidel this morning too? :lol: DH and I were cracking up!

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