Am I going to scar her for life?

[springmama]

I'm actually sort of joking but want to know what you all think.

 

If I force my 8 year old to participate in a 45 minute karate class once a week, do you think I'll cause permanent damage?

 

Its less than $30 a month for her, and it's only once a week, and we'll be there anyway and she really needs to practice focusing, following directions, etc.

 

She could really use the exercise.

 

I just told her to suck it up and deal with the fact that she's going to participate whether she wants to or not.

 

If it were a few hours a week, I might not force her but come on....anybody can do something they don't enjoy for 45 minutes a week.

 

What do you think?

[kristinannie]

How long has she been in karate? We do karate (Tang Soo Do) with my son. The first month he complained all the time, then he fell in love with it! Recently, he started complaining again. He would beg not to go and then go and have a great time. Then after a few weeks of that, he loved going again. Honestly, if she is enjoying it while she is there, keep going! It is a lot of fun. Has she gotten a new belt yet? That really added to my son's excitement. If she tries it for several months and hates it, maybe you can let her choose another appropriate activity to try. I don't think forcing her to go is unreasonable though! Karate is such a great way to learn self defense which is really practical as well as discipline!

[JudoMom]

Not all of my boys would choose Judo as an activity, yet they all participate anywhere from 2-5 hours a week. My older 2 boys have been in for 6 years and I started 5 years ago. The younger boys started at 4/5 years old.

Edited August 10, 2011 by JudoMom

[Mallory]

Weren't you just complaining about too many activities?

 

Seems like this would be an easy one to cut.

[JudoMom]

Weren't you just complaining about too many activities?

 

Seems like this would be an easy one to cut.

 

I'm guessing her boy is there anyway, so her dd might as well join in.

 

At least that's why all my guys play Judo :D.

[NanceXToo]

I don't believe in forcing extra-curricular activities. I'd want my kids to participate in something because they wanted to and enjoyed doing so. I don't think it's fair to your daughter to be made to do an activity she doesn't want to do, and I don't think it's fair to the instructor to have a student there who doesn't want to be there. ETA: And I don't think it's fair for you to have to PAY for something she doesn't want to do, either!

Edited August 10, 2011 by NanceXToo

[MinivanMom]

I don't believe in forcing extra-curricular activities. I'd want my kids to participate in something because they wanted to and enjoyed doing so. I don't think it's fair to your daughter to be made to do an activity she doesn't want to do, and I don't think it's fair to the instructor to have a student there who doesn't want to be there.

:iagree:

 

Why does she need to do this particular activity? Is she not doing any physically active extra-curriculars? I might require a physical activity, but I wouldn't dictate which activity. Is a sibling already participating? I think it could be a problem if she feels like she has to do certain activities just because her siblings do them. I'm not sure it would scar her, but some kids might end up feeling resentful in that situation.

[PeacefulChaos]

Is there anything else she would prefer to do as her extracurricular?

I'm having my boys each pick an extracurricular per season (fall, spring, and summer). I am going to make sure that they do both do it. But they have quite a lot to choose from, and so far haven't had any problems picking one. This fall is karate and soccer. My DD (2) will be going to Tiny Tumblers at our Y.

Usually we have a range of karate, soccer, swimming, archery, baseball, horseback riding, etc. as choices. So far it hasn't strayed past soccer and swimming - this is our first time with karate!

[jjins]

As long as there is not a PROBLEM in the class, causing her to avoid it, NO, I do not think you are harming her. We all have to do things we do not like. Some children (and adults) really have to be pushed to do something that is not particularly easy for them or even something easy, but a new group (me).

 

To illustrate the point. I put my son in a gymnastics/tumbling class. He HATED it... it was hard. The teacher was firm (plus not dad or I). There were students in the class he did not like. Sometimes dad or I had him sit and watch class because he had lost the privilege to participate - but we wanted him there anyways. This was a long hard year. However, the next year that program was closed, we switched to a new gym, he came into a fresh class, new coach, had skills others did not have.... this same boy is 9 years old and getting ready to compete as a level 5 in his third year of competitive gymnastics. Last year he earned first place in 2 out of 6 meets. He loves gymnastics!

 

This is something dad and I never expected. We put him originally because it was outside of his comfort zone, gave him a different group of children to work with (was in public K at the time), and we wanted him to have to work hard at something to learn how to do it. (academics are easy for him) Now, we have a gymnasts.

 

I am not saying that you could have a expert at karate, but that it is not harmful to have children keep doing things that you see as beneficial and they do not enjoy doing. Daily we do things we do not like doing. I have yet to meet a single person how enjoys scrubbing a toilet! A few who like ironing, doing dishes or dusting, but even those are rare. Plus, as you have said, she could use the focus!

[LanaTron]

But it's a co-op, I have to be there, and he's not old enough or responsible enough to stay home for 5+ hours alone. The other three kids want to be there, so he has to go. I make him do it, but if it were only him, I would have had him try it, and if he didn't like it, I would have found something else for him to do.

[RootAnn]

Daily we do things we do not like doing. I have yet to meet a single person how enjoys scrubbing a toilet! A few who like ironing, doing dishes or dusting, but even those are rare. Plus, as you have said, she could use the focus!

 

:iagree: You are starting her on a path to responsibility. It isn't that long of a class and is only one time per week. I'd say she has to suck it up.

 

Assuming it isn't harmful or a bad environment, you won't scar her for life. In fact, she might look back at this and be thankful ..... many years in the future.

 

My oldest enjoys karate although she's not very good at it. (This is true of just about all her physical activities she chooses to do.) My #2 is much more coordinated, but dislikes practicing and one of the substitute teachers (who will be going off to college in a week, so it'll be a moot point soon). She usually complains about going, but just won a gold medal in kata (forms) at our state competition (in the same age group as older sister & against other higher belt competitors). :tongue_smilie:

[----]

.

[NanceXToo]

:iagree: You are starting her on a path to responsibility. It isn't that long of a class and is only one time per week. I'd say she has to suck it up.

 

School work is a responsibility. Chores are a responsibility. Extra-curricular activities should not be considered a responsibility, IMHO (unless you choose to join one and then let a team down or some such by not showing up or something; that might be a bit different). There is also a lot to be said for allowing children the independence to make their own decisions where possible, and this situation- their extra-curricular activities and interests- should be one of them. Forcing someone to take an extra-curricular class that's meant to be for fun just seems unfair to all concerned and like way too much micro-managing of a child's time. Just because the brother or whoever has an interest and wants to take this class, that doesn't mean this child should be forced to do it, too. She's not her brother, she's an individual with her own individual interests. Why can't she just say no???

[truebluexf]

I would not make her do it, unless it was her choice and you wanted her to follow through for a little while to make sure she truly is unhappy. I see absolutely no point in forcing my child to do an activity and wasting my money on them being miserable!!! Save the $30 and make her read a book while you're there, IMO.

[Rivka]

I wouldn't do it. I'd find some other outlet for encouraging physical activity or concentration/focus or whatever I wanted the karate to do.

 

I wouldn't want to force extracurriculars just in general, but there seems to me to be something particularly objectionable about pushing a martial art. I just wouldn't expect a child to learn to fight if the child was uncomfortable with it. I mean, wouldn't she be expected to take part in sparring? How could you ask that of a child who didn't want to do it?

[NanceXToo]

I wouldn't do it. I'd find some other outlet for encouraging physical activity or concentration/focus or whatever I wanted the karate to do.

 

I wouldn't want to force extracurriculars just in general, but there seems to me to be something particularly objectionable about pushing a martial art. I just wouldn't expect a child to learn to fight if the child was uncomfortable with it. I mean, wouldn't she be expected to take part in sparring? How could you ask that of a child who didn't want to do it?

 

:iagree: I didn't even think of it from that angle, but there's that, too. She's being forced to touch, be touched, allow people into her personal space, and so on. And isn't being allowed to say no to that. Not cool.

[Mommy22alyns]

Honestly, I wouldn't make her do it. Extracurriculars are supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Sure, there's work involved in any discipline. Becca works hard in gymnastics, but she also loves it. If she hated every second of it, I wouldn't see the point in forcing her.

[RootAnn]

Question for those of you who are on the "don't make them" side. Would your answer be different if it was piano lessons instead of karate?

 

Just curious.

[truebluexf]

Question for those of you who are on the "don't make them" side. Would your answer be different if it was piano lessons instead of karate?

 

Just curious.

 

Not really. I'd probably insist an an instrument to try though. For me, my kids have sports activities they enjoy, and they are different. I couldn't see forcing my daughter to take karate when she loves cheer, nor playing piano when she wants to play violin.

 

If she wasn't physically active in any kind of activity, I would push her to find one she enjoys at least a little for the sake of her health and well-being.

[JudoMom]

I don't believe in forcing extra-curricular activities. I'd want my kids to participate in something because they wanted to and enjoyed doing so. I don't think it's fair to your daughter to be made to do an activity she doesn't want to do, and I don't think it's fair to the instructor to have a student there who doesn't want to be there. ETA: And I don't think it's fair for you to have to PAY for something she doesn't want to do, either!

 

What if you count the activity as part of school? Judo counts as a part of our schooling. I think it's very important that my boys learn how to defend themselves. They are small, and will never simply overpower an attacker of any age. Sometimes they like Judo, sometimes they don't. Heck, I'm a coach and sometimes I like Judo and sometimes I don't.

 

I don't ever see a situation where I would force them to sign up for basketball, baseball, football, etc. They learn enough about teamwork and competition by living in a house with 5 boys.

 

They are all currently in tumbling/power trampoline gymnastics, and I don't know if I'd force them to go if they decided they were done. Dh & I would have to talk it over and see if we thought what they were learning was more important (for instance, my youngest really needs it to help with coordination). They all love it, though, so it's a non-issue at this point.

 

Just thinking out loud here, I guess.

[mystika1]

What if you count the activity as part of school? Judo counts as a part of our schooling. I think it's very important that my boys learn how to defend themselves. They are small, and will never simply overpower an attacker of any age. Sometimes they like Judo, sometimes they don't.

 

I am the same way. My dd is in karate and sometimes she fusses because she wants to play with her friends instead. I make her go and she has a great time while she is there. I want my kids to be able to defend themselves. My aunt is constantly telling me that I should take her out of Karate and put her in the local dancing classes.....YUCK! Teaching my girls to dance provocatively on stage is not something I will ever pay for.:) Besides....we count Karate as Physical Education...might not love it but it is still required.

 

My 2 cents,

 

Penny

[MamaBear]

My dd is 11 and through the years she has participated in swimming, gymnastics and ballet. She never wanted to do these things at first, but I would always tell her if she did not like it then she did not have to continue. We were always able to go and try a few lessons before committing to it long term. She would end up having a blast and want to continue with the lessons - but if she wanted not to pursue it I would not make her. School work and chores are a totally different story:)

[NanceXToo]

Question for those of you who are on the "don't make them" side. Would your answer be different if it was piano lessons instead of karate?

 

Just curious.

 

No, mine wouldn't be different.

[springmama]

Well, here are a few details I left out-

 

It's a very low pressure karate class, no invading personal space. More like an exercise class with karate moves?

 

I don't know. I should probably not say that either since I've never even been to a real karate class. The teacher teaches at the local Y and is a homeschool mom so we asked her to teach a class for homeschoolers during the day and she agreed. We are good friends with all of the other kids and the class is very small and very gentle. My 8 year old would be the oldest.

 

Also, I'm trying to encourage my dd to avoid making choices based on what is "cool" or not cool. I can't determine whether she doesn't want to take this class because she truly doesn't like it or because her best friend isn't taking the class. (best friend's brother will be in the class).

 

She liked it when she took it before, then quit when she realized her friend wasn't interested in taking karate too.

 

She really needs more exercise and rather than have her sit in the church nursery with me while her brother takes the class, it would be better for her to participate.

 

She is a little shy and struggles with academics. I need a self esteem booster for her and a mood lifter. I really believe lots and lots of exercise and good sleep can do wonders for a person's mood.

[Guest submarines]

Martial arts are so different from other physical activities. First of all, there's the hitting, even if choreographed, involved. My 9 yo DD is adamantly against hitting, it does feels wrong to her, even if she knows it is part of the philosophy. We tried karate, and she felt oppressed there.

 

Second, there's the issue of learning by observation, at least where my DD tried karate. DD really needs more individual instruction, and she was having really hard times following her instructor.

 

There's also the issue of personal space invasion, and touching. When I was taking judo as a child, I felt violated and seriously disturbed, even if nothing was technically inappropriate. I was just alwasy very guarded about my personal space.

 

I think martial arts are GREAT for kids, and I really wanted my DD to do karate, but it turned out to be such a poor fit for her personality.

 

So I vote that yes, she can be seriously traumatised. At least I was, when I was forced to take judo as a child. My relationship with my mother has been seriously undermined. Not because she 'forced' me, as she did force me into many other things, and now, as an adult, I think it was for the best. But because I felt judo violated me, and because my mother refused to understand, and dismissed my feelings about it.

[mystika1]

Well, here are a few details I left out-

 

It's a very low pressure karate class, no invading personal space. More like an exercise class with karate moves?

 

I don't know. I should probably not say that either since I've never even been to a real karate class. The teacher teaches at the local Y and is a homeschool mom so we asked her to teach a class for homeschoolers during the day and she agreed. We are good friends with all of the other kids and the class is very small and very gentle. My 8 year old would be the oldest.

 

Also, I'm trying to encourage my dd to avoid making choices based on what is "cool" or not cool. I can't determine whether she doesn't want to take this class because she truly doesn't like it or because her best friend isn't taking the class. (best friend's brother will be in the class).

 

She liked it when she took it before, then quit when she realized her friend wasn't interested in taking karate too.

 

She really needs more exercise and rather than have her sit in the church nursery with me while her brother takes the class, it would be better for her to participate.

 

She is a little shy and struggles with academics. I need a self esteem booster for her and a mood lifter. I really believe lots and lots of exercise and good sleep can do wonders for a person's mood.

 

I would encourage her to participate. Sometimes a shy child needs a bit of coaxing. I sure did...I was extremely shy as a child. I would pretty much get in the corner and watch everyone else have fun unless my friend was there to go with me. I still find myself being a "watcher" instead of participating. If she is really throwing a fit not to go to class and disturbing the class in some way then maybe.....

 

HTH,

 

Penny

[truebluexf]

Well, here are a few details I left out-

 

It's a very low pressure karate class, no invading personal space. More like an exercise class with karate moves?

 

I don't know. I should probably not say that either since I've never even been to a real karate class. The teacher teaches at the local Y and is a homeschool mom so we asked her to teach a class for homeschoolers during the day and she agreed. We are good friends with all of the other kids and the class is very small and very gentle. My 8 year old would be the oldest.

 

Also, I'm trying to encourage my dd to avoid making choices based on what is "cool" or not cool. I can't determine whether she doesn't want to take this class because she truly doesn't like it or because her best friend isn't taking the class. (best friend's brother will be in the class).

 

She liked it when she took it before, then quit when she realized her friend wasn't interested in taking karate too.

 

She really needs more exercise and rather than have her sit in the church nursery with me while her brother takes the class, it would be better for her to participate.

 

She is a little shy and struggles with academics. I need a self esteem booster for her and a mood lifter. I really believe lots and lots of exercise and good sleep can do wonders for a person's mood.

 

See, without all this information, your post was very different. In this it case, I would likely make her keep going. You never mentioned that she likes it when she's there. Sometimes my kids don't want to leave the house for an activity they love....that is very different from them not wanting to do the activity at all, which is what you implied in the OP.

[Guest submarines]

Question for those of you who are on the "don't make them" side. Would your answer be different if it was piano lessons instead of karate?

 

Just curious.

 

No, the answer remains. Curiously, I was forced to do piano lessons as a child. I hated every second of it. My mother's logic was that it would be really nice for me to just come over to a piano and play a tune, when I were to grow up. Guess what. I don't play piano. I hate piano.

 

Absolutely nothing positive can come out, if a child really hates an activity.

[Guest submarines]

Well, here are a few details I left out-

 

It's a very low pressure karate class, no invading personal space. More like an exercise class with karate moves?

 

I don't know. I should probably not say that either since I've never even been to a real karate class. The teacher teaches at the local Y and is a homeschool mom so we asked her to teach a class for homeschoolers during the day and she agreed. We are good friends with all of the other kids and the class is very small and very gentle. My 8 year old would be the oldest.

 

Also, I'm trying to encourage my dd to avoid making choices based on what is "cool" or not cool. I can't determine whether she doesn't want to take this class because she truly doesn't like it or because her best friend isn't taking the class. (best friend's brother will be in the class).

 

She liked it when she took it before, then quit when she realized her friend wasn't interested in taking karate too.

 

She really needs more exercise and rather than have her sit in the church nursery with me while her brother takes the class, it would be better for her to participate.

 

She is a little shy and struggles with academics. I need a self esteem booster for her and a mood lifter. I really believe lots and lots of exercise and good sleep can do wonders for a person's mood.

 

If she does enjoy the class, this is different. I'd encourage her to take the class. There are really good books on martial arts for kids, maybe she will find one of them inspiring. I wouldn't push too much, though.

 

I doubt that being forced into taking a class has a positive effect on one's self esteem.

[Tracy]

My personal philosophy is that some sort of physical education class is absolutely required, but the child gets to have some say in it. Of course, I get to decide things like how much I am willing to pay and how much time I am willing to give up. But within certain parameters, I think kids ought to be able to choose whether to stick with something and get really good at it or whether to hop around to different classes and learn a little of everything.

 

As for the changing in interest levels, I think that is totally normal. It is okay to participate in a class only because you have friends there. My dd has so much more fun in a class when her friends are there, and that translates into her thinking she likes the activity better. I have no problem with that. However, you do need to teach the principles of commitment, responsibility and integrity. So you can tell her that she needs to stay in the class for X amount of time once she decides on it. If she changes her mind midway, then she does have to suck it up.

[JudoMom]

No, the answer remains. Curiously, I was forced to do piano lessons as a child. I hated every second of it. My mother's logic was that it would be really nice for me to just come over to a piano and play a tune, when I were to grow up. Guess what. I don't play piano. I hate piano.

 

Absolutely nothing positive can come out, if a child really hates an activity.

 

Interesting. My parents never made me stick with anything, and I require my boys to take both Judo and piano. They go back and forth between enjoying and not enjoying both activities.

[MeganW]

I would probably ask her to do it until she passes her first belt test, and if she still dislikes it after that, let her quit.

 

My mom made us join the swim team. I cried every day for the first two weeks, but she said we had to do it for at least one month. By the end of a month, we loved it, and ended up doing it every summer for YEARS! It's one of my best summer memories!

[Guest submarines]

Interesting. My parents never made me stick with anything, and I require my boys to take both Judo and piano. They go back and forth between enjoying and not enjoying both activities.

 

And since I was forced into judo and piano, I don't force my DD into extra curriculum activities. I think we as parent tend to lean in the opposite directions from our own parents, if we are not happy with how we were raised.

 

I do nudge my DD more now, because I discovered she is a perfectionist, and needs lots of encouragement, some quite direct, in order to try new things. But when she tries, and then doesn't want to continue, I have no problems with it. We do talk a lot about our choices, and that if we ever want to be good at something we need to practice, and that sometimes practice is hard.

 

Also, "not enjoying" an activity is quite different from hating it. I remember feeling quite wrong on the inside, during piano and judo. I cried every time, and begged my mother to allow me to quit. I think I was in both activities for a couple of years, it is honestly all a blur now. A very unpleasant blur.

 

DD tried ballet a year ago, and told me that she couldn't specify what she didn't like, but that it made her feel wrong on the inside. That's enough of a reason for me.

[Guest submarines]

I would probably ask her to do it until she passes her first belt test, and if she still dislikes it after that, let her quit.

 

My mom made us join the swim team. I cried every day for the first two weeks, but she said we had to do it for at least one month. By the end of a month, we loved it, and ended up doing it every summer for YEARS! It's one of my best summer memories!

 

I've used similar reasoning with DD. I think it gives a child an opportunity to adjust and change her mind, but also to know that she doesn't need to endure an unpleasant activity for an infinite amount of time.

[MeganW]

:iagree:

 

Why does she need to do this particular activity? Is she not doing any physically active extra-curriculars? I might require a physical activity, but I wouldn't dictate which activity. Is a sibling already participating? I think it could be a problem if she feels like she has to do certain activities just because her siblings do them. I'm not sure it would scar her, but some kids might end up feeling resentful in that situation.

 

Sometimes, you just have to do what is best for the family. Hence the reason my daughters take soccer and my son is in dance. (OK, his PT wants him in it anyway.) I am NOT going to an activity if all my kids can't do it b/c it is just too hard to try and do something different for everybody. And it's cost-effective - the more kids you enroll, the cheaper. Time-wise as well - if everybody did their own thing, we would spend SO much time doing extra-curriculars. We just don't have time to do that. So everybody has to do what is best for the family. Maybe I'll feel differently when they are a little older, but for now, it doesn't hurt them to try things that they might or might not have chosen.

[Prahl]

IMO I wouldn't force her unless she likes it but is too shy like my little one. My younger dd is in Gymnastics like her sister. Loves Gymnastics but every time its time to go in she tells me to take her home. she's 3 so I think she has no idea what she wants. Anyway, less then 5min into the class she loves it. maybe it would be easier if she took the class with a friend or in something more feminine. My girls are really girly. many sports dance Gymnastics marching band show great discipline. Even art all in there own way and if she enjoys it you'll be happier to spend the money and she will discipline herself to be better without competing with siblings or you pushing her. You want her to love what she does and not fight you.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Prahl

[catz]

I'm actually sort of joking but want to know what you all think.

 

If I force my 8 year old to participate in a 45 minute karate class once a week, do you think I'll cause permanent damage?

 

 

LOL - I haven't read all the responses, but no I certainly don't think it will cause permanent damage. If you can find an active outlet for her she'd enjoy more, maybe you can switch to that later. But to me some of this stuff is kind of like making them brush their teeth. My kids are always hesitant to try something new they might not be good at too, so they need a little kick in the pants sometimes. You can always re-evaluate later if it's not working the way you want.

[Lisa3033]

Question for those of you who are on the "don't make them" side. Would your answer be different if it was piano lessons instead of karate?

 

Just curious.

 

Nope, my answer would be the same.

 

Well, here are a few details I left out-

 

It's a very low pressure karate class, no invading personal space. More like an exercise class with karate moves?

 

I don't know. I should probably not say that either since I've never even been to a real karate class. The teacher teaches at the local Y and is a homeschool mom so we asked her to teach a class for homeschoolers during the day and she agreed. We are good friends with all of the other kids and the class is very small and very gentle. My 8 year old would be the oldest.

 

Also, I'm trying to encourage my dd to avoid making choices based on what is "cool" or not cool. I can't determine whether she doesn't want to take this class because she truly doesn't like it or because her best friend isn't taking the class. (best friend's brother will be in the class).

 

She liked it when she took it before, then quit when she realized her friend wasn't interested in taking karate too.

 

She really needs more exercise and rather than have her sit in the church nursery with me while her brother takes the class, it would be better for her to participate.

 

She is a little shy and struggles with academics. I need a self esteem booster for her and a mood lifter. I really believe lots and lots of exercise and good sleep can do wonders for a person's mood.

 

I'm with the don't force them camp. If they are miserable, it really is unfair to everybody. To them, to the teacher and staff, and to the rest of the kids. Dd's take gymnastics and for a few months they had a boy in their class who had clearly outgrown it. I won't go so far as to say he hated gymnastics, but he was clearly bored. There were more than a few classes where it seemed the teachers focus was spent more on getting this little boy not to disrupt the class and less on teaching the other 5 kids in the class. I didn't mind much because it was only a few months before mom realized it just wasn't going to work and took him out. But I would have really started to resent her had she kept him in the class for whatever perceived benefit she thought he was gaining. He may have received some benefit from it, but it was at the expense of several other people and sorry, but that's just selfish.

 

Also, you mentioned you sit in the nursery while her sibling participates, but you expect/force your daughter to participate for the sake of exercising. What are you doing for your exercise? (a question to ask yourself, no need to post here). Be careful in that you are not expecting something of your children that you wouldn't and don't do yourself. Being hypocritical is nearly a surefire way to breed resentment. If you are getting exercise in elsewhere, perhaps you can find a similar solution for her as well. Taking brisk walks, hiking, biking, etc.

 

To add my own personal experience, my mom forced me to take piano. At first, it was an option (sort of, they had already bought a keyboard as a christmas present even though my sister and I had never expressed an interest so we knew they fully expected us to agree). I did it with the opinion of sure, I'll try it. My dad also thought he would take lessons again. It's probably the real reason he bought the stupid keyboard as I distinctly remember asking santa for something else:glare: I liked the lessons ok. I had great, friendly college student teachers and what i really liked was having them as my teacher. They were great, and I really liked them. Piano itself, not so much. Ad that was evident in my practice time at home. The details are hazy, but at some point i switched from taking lessons at the local college to a private older lady at her house. I think i may have quit and restarted? Anyways, I didn't care for her as much though she was probably better at teaching, at least for the serious student. At that point I really didn't like it. My (narcissistic) dad had quit long ago. But I wasn't allowed to quit. I don't recall ever being given a reason, certainly not a valid or rational reason. Taking up another instrument or voice lessons was not an option. Finally by 5th grade we could take music lessons through the school. I chose to take both violin through orchestra and flute through band hoping my mom would let me drop piano. That was the only reason I even decided to do both, otherwise I probably only would have decided on violin. And it worked, I didn't even have to ask, my mom suggested it. I quickly decided I didn't like band, but had to play for the entire year. Again, no real reason. I can see a few months, sure, but an entire year was ridiculous. I enjoyed violin up until about 8th or 9th grade and you guessed it, not allowed quit. I had to take it for the remainder of my high school career, even though the teacher was horrendous and my mom knew it. I learned absolutely nothing from that point on and that's not an exaggeration. Actually, I did learn something. I learned that i was never again going to try an activity unless I had a say in when enough was enough. I opted out if lots and lots if opportunities because of that, including educational. I'm sure my negative attitude affected the entire rest of the orchestra. The ones that truly enjoyed it and tried to get something out of it had to listen to me ***** and moan any chance I got. I graduated 9 years ago and haven't even touched it since (nor a piano).

 

While I don't think you'll scar her for life, I encourage you to really look and see if she will gain the skills/benefits you think she will. If you are forcing her to do karate and she truly hates it for a valid reason - are you really encouraging her to pick things based on coolness or not? Or would you be teaching her that her voice doesn't matter and that you don't trust or believe her. Its terribly frustrating and disheartening as a child to hear that you do like something when you so outwardly don't. If you want her to gain self confidence and a boost in her mood, can that actually be attained by forcing her into an activity she hates? If you want her to exercise, that's totally understandable. But don't force her to do an activity her brother picks simply because it would be the most convenient for you. Why does he get to pick the activity they both do with no consideration for her opinion? Will she at some point get to pick an activity - say ballet - and then he will be forced to participate as well? Some food for thought...

Edited August 11, 2011 by Lisa3033

[Guest submarines]

Nope, my answer would be the same.

 

 

 

I'm with the don't force them camp. If they are miserable, it really is unfair to everybody. To them, to the teacher and staff, and to the rest of the kids. Dd's take gymnastics and for a few months they had a boy in their class who had clearly outgrown it. I won't go so far as to say he hated gymnastics, but he was clearly bored. There were more than a few classes where it seemed the teachers focus was spent more on getting this little boy not to disrupt the class and less on teaching the other 5 kids in the class. I didn't mind much because it was only a few months before mom realized it just wasn't going to work and took him out. But I would have really started to resent her had she kept him in the class for whatever perceived benefit she thought he was gaining. He may have received some benefit from it, but it was at the expense of several other people and sorry, but that's just selfish.

 

Also, you mentioned you sit in the nursery while her sibling participates, but you expect/force your daughter to participate for the sake of exercising. What are you doing for your exercise? (a question to ask yourself, no need to post here). Be careful in that you are not expecting something of your children that you wouldn't and don't do yourself. Being hypocritical is nearly a surefire way to breed resentment. If you are getting exercise in elsewhere, perhaps you can find a similar solution for her as well. Taking brisk walks, hiking, biking, etc.

 

To add my own personal experience, my mom forced me to take piano. At first, it was an option (sort of, they had already bought a keyboard as a christmas present even though my sister and I had never expressed an interest so we knew they fully expected us to agree). I did it with the opinion of sure, I'll try it. My dad also thought he would take lessons again. It's probably the real reason he bought the stupid keyboard as I distinctly remember asking santa for something else:glare: I liked the lessons ok. I had great, friendly college student teachers and what i really liked was having them as my teacher. They were great, and I really liked them. Piano itself, not so much. Ad that was evident in my practice time at home. The details are hazy, but at some point i switched from taking lessons at the local college to a private older lady at her house. I think i may have quit and restarted? Anyways, I didn't care for her as much though she was probably better at teaching, at least for the serious student. At that point I really didn't like it. My (narcissistic) dad had quit long ago. But I wasn't allowed to quit. I don't recall ever being given a reason, certainly not a valid or rational reason. Taking up another instrument or voice lessons was not an option. Finally by 5th grade we could take music lessons through the school. I chose to take both violin through orchestra and flute through band hoping my mom would let me drop piano. That was the only reason I even decided to do both, otherwise I probably only would have decided on violin. And it worked, I didn't even have to ask, my mom suggested it. I quickly decided I didn't like band, but had to play for the entire year. Again, no real reason. I can see a few months, sure, but an entire year was ridiculous. I enjoyed violin up until about 8th or 9th grade and you guessed it, not allowed quit. I had to take it for the remainder of my high school career, even though the teacher was horrendous and my mom knew it. I learned absolutely nothing from that point on and that's not an exaggeration. Actually, I did learn something. I learned that i was never again going to try an activity unless I had a say in when enough was enough. I opted out if lots and lots if opportunities because of that, including educational. I'm sure my negative attitude affected the entire rest of the orchestra. The ones that truly enjoyed it and tried to get something out of it had to listen to me ***** and moan any chance I got. I graduated 9 years ago and haven't even touched it since (nor a piano).

 

While I don't think you'll scar her for life, I encourage you to really look and see if she will gain the skills/benefits you think she will. If you are forcing her to do karate and she truly hates it for a valid reason - are you really encouraging her to pick things based on coolness or not? Or would you be teaching her that her voice doesn't matter and that you don't trust or believe her. Its terribly frustrating and disheartening as a child to hear that you do like something when you so outwardly don't. If you want her to gain self confidence and a boost in her mood, can that actually be attained by forcing her into an activity she hates? If you want her to exercise, that's totally understandable. But don't force her to do an activity her brother picks simply because it would be the most convenient for you. Why does he get to pick the activity they both do with no consideration for her opinion? Will she at some point get to pick an activity - say ballet - and then he will be forced to participate as well? Some food for thought...

 

:iagree::grouphug:

[zenjenn]

If she needs the exercise, I'd give her a choice - do the class, or do some other form of exercise that she will commit to.

 

That said, I enroll my kids in a homeschool PE class even though neither of them are crazy about it and my youngest complains a lot. I consider it part of school.

 

IMO just because we homeschool doesn't mean they get a free pass out of everything that they aren't super-excited about. I listen to their desires and suggestions but I think SOME experience with "sucking it up and dealing" is valuable.

 

I do consider some sort of formal physical activity integral to their schooling. I'd let them choose, but if you are unable or she is unwilling to choose something else, this might be a valuable option.

[Love_to_Read]

Are there other girls in the class? Any of them old enough to cultivate a friendship?

 

If she enjoyed it last year, and only just started complaining after her friend expressed disinterest, then I'd try to cultivate another friendship for variety...help dd see that one friend's opinion isn't the most important thing in the world, that some people do like karate and it's okay if she does, too. Read some books and have some discussions about how it's okay to have different interests than your best friend. See if you can find any books with female karate students as characters, even, if she's gotten it into her head that karate is for boys. And help her cultivate a friendship in case part of her dislike is not having anyone to be social with.

 

That's if she liked it before her friend spoke up about not taking it.

 

If she was only lukewarm last year, and has progressed to really hating it...esp. if uncomfortable by certain classmates or certain aspects of the class (like if some of the boys are bigger, or if there's more sparring than before, etc.), then it might be time for her to drop it and take along some other kind of homework to do in the nursery, or take along a yoga video or zumba or something, that you two could do while you wait, if that wouldn't be offensive to the teacher who owns the place.

 

Oh! Probably too young for this to apply at 8yo, but just in case...if she's developing, you might want to double check whether she's uncomfortable about that during karate, like needs a sports bra or something, or another layer under her uniform. That can be solved.

 

I don't know for sure what to tell you...just that I do know with mine, it takes a little bit of extra detective work to figure out why she's not liking something. And from there, I can decide whether I need to push or problem solve or give her room to switch to something else. Whichever the case is, be sure to offer some empathy..."Gee, it's hard when your friend's criticize. Hmmm. But we can be strong enough to carry on...." OR, "Gee, that can get uncomfortable. It's important to stick up for our body boundaries. You have my permission to quit, but you need to chose an alternate activity."

[grace'smom]

I think if she liked it before she found out her friend wasn't doing it, then she's really not having any of the issues described like feeling her personal space is violated, etc. She LIKED it until she found out her friend wasn't in it. In that case, I see nothing wrong with making her stick it out for a month and see if she changes her mind. It may be an opportunity to show her that she can do something without her best friend sometimes and still have a good time, or an opportunity for her to make a few new friends.

[MinivanMom]

Sometimes, you just have to do what is best for the family. Hence the reason my daughters take soccer and my son is in dance. (OK, his PT wants him in it anyway.) I am NOT going to an activity if all my kids can't do it b/c it is just too hard to try and do something different for everybody. And it's cost-effective - the more kids you enroll, the cheaper. Time-wise as well - if everybody did their own thing, we would spend SO much time doing extra-curriculars. We just don't have time to do that. So everybody has to do what is best for the family. Maybe I'll feel differently when they are a little older, but for now, it doesn't hurt them to try things that they might or might not have chosen.

 

That's funny you should reply. I was actually thinking of a family with triplets I knew growing up when I made the comment about potential resentment. It's a little off-topic, but . . . they had triplet girls. Triplet A and triplet B were identical. They had some learning and social challenges as a result of their prematurity. Triplet C was fraternal. She was very beautiful, very smart, and very talented. My little sister was best friends with triplet C and we spent a lot of time with their family growing up. I would often tag along with my sister when she went to their home to play with triplet C, because triplet C wasn't allowed to have friends over to play if triplets A & B didn't have friends over. Their mom loved me, because I was very patient and kind with triplets A & B.

 

Anyway, the rule was that the triplets all had to do the same activities. Unfortunately there were some real disparities between triplets A & B and triplet C in terms of ability. All three went to gymnastics and dance together and A & B had to struggle through while C shined. C wasn't allowed to move on to the level she could have been at, because A & B weren't there in terms of ability. As the girls got older it became a really difficult situation. They couldn't do anything on their own and that extended to things like school and birthday parties. C would often be invited to parties and Mom would force her to decline since A & B weren't invited. Mom finally relented by high school and triplet C was allowed to be a cheerleader and take honor classes like she was capable of doing. That also meant triplets A & B could get out of her shadow a little bit and succeed to the extent that they were able in a separate setting. I know their mom loved them and was trying to handle the fairness issue the best she could, but it was really painful for the girls.

 

None of which is necessarily applicable to you. :001_smile: I am just sharing since you have triplets. I've known multiples that needed to do everything separate to keep harmony and multiples who love to be together all the time. Every grouping is unique.

 

While I don't think you'll scar her for life, I encourage you to really look and see if she will gain the skills/benefits you think she will. If you are forcing her to do karate and she truly hates it for a valid reason - are you really encouraging her to pick things based on coolness or not? Or would you be teaching her that her voice doesn't matter and that you don't trust or believe her. Its terribly frustrating and disheartening as a child to hear that you do like something when you so outwardly don't. If you want her to gain self confidence and a boost in her mood, can that actually be attained by forcing her into an activity she hates? If you want her to exercise, that's totally understandable. But don't force her to do an activity her brother picks simply because it would be the most convenient for you. Why does he get to pick the activity they both do with no consideration for her opinion? Will she at some point get to pick an activity - say ballet - and then he will be forced to participate as well? Some food for thought...

 

:iagree:

 

I've heard people express resentment over being forced to take years of piano when they hated it . . . and . . . I've heard other people express resentment that their parents allowed them to quit piano instead of encouraging them to continue. There's a fine line there. As a parent you want to encourage your child through the hard times in an activity they genuinely like most of the time, but you don't want to force them to continue something they truly hate or are uncomfortable with. Only the OP knows whether her daughter likes karate, but needs encouragement now that her friend has quit . . . or . . . genuinely dislikes karate and needs some space to have separate interests from her brother.