Eating w/family on beach vacation

[dsmama]

Hello! Just wondering if others have had this experience or have some ideas. Also, I apologize if some of my venting comes across as complaining. Yes, I am venting, but also I truly am trying to deal with my concerns in a productive manner.

 

My husband's dad and stepmom own a beach house, and each year they save a week when the whole family can in together (8 adults and 6 kids, ranging in age from 2-14). I am extremely grateful for the "free" vacation space. We all chip in to buy groceries, etc.

 

DH's stepmom is in charge, no question. It's her house, her rules. Here's what drives me bananas:

- She also has a way of deciding what meals will be made, who will buy stuff, who needs to go to the store (which happens every day, sometimes twice, as she changes her mind about things)

-- She is super accommodating to her brother and his wife, who don't like to eat out, don't eat seafood, don't eat salty or spicy foods, don't drink, etc.

-- She loves on the boys more -- her grandsons the most, and also my son. They can get away with a lot more, and she makes special plates and food for them.

-- She practically ignores the fact that my DD has food allergies which are not just preferences but serious issues.

 

 

Here are my thoughts as to how I could handle this:

 

A. Offer to cook most or all of the meals, since I end up cooking for DD anyway. I love to cook. I could do some creative things (think stuffed chicken breasts) and save some breasts to be plain, to accommodate the ones who don't eat "fancy food."

 

B. Offer to make cool sides/add-ons or appetizers for the meals

 

C. Do what my DH and his dad do -- just sit and read and have a beer. DH is unwilling to confront his Dad and SM (though he also complains about it to me).

 

D. Shut up, be thankful for the free week, help my DD, stick to status quo.

 

 

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading! Any thoughts?

[Oakblossoms]

I choose C. I had this "problem" when we visit with one of my husbands family members. I bring stuff I like to eat. Then I enjoy myself and let all the women fight about whatever it is they fight about to be the best at:tongue_smilie: My husband even thinks it is the best option.

 

Our get togethers at our house are so different. We usually do mexican food and I tell people to bring what they like to eat. It always works out well.

 

Don't forget the Mikes!

[Oakblossoms]

And honestly I would buy the groceries I wanted and make what I wanted to eat. It is your vacation. how does she tell you what to buy? Does she get a list or is it understood that you might buy the chicken and soda...

[dsmama]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, some things are understood, as in "we're having chicken tonight."

 

Other things are more passive aggressive, like the time I asked to get cilantro for something. She said, well not everyone likes it. Well, I do,as do others, and I'll leave it on the side, was my reply. So on the list it went, but then it was "forgotten at the store.". At that point, then I have the dilemma of do I confront her, go to the store myself, or just go without? Frustrating, and this type of thing happens a lot.

 

Maybe I should make a really stiff drink and sit back, offer to do dishes.

[bookfiend]

It's one week. I would forgo worrying about or trying to get preferences accomodated (like the cilantro). Eat what is provided, do your part where you can. Where the issue is critical, such as the allergy concerns, I would bring three or four back-up meals for your daughter. Things you can quickly fix if the planned meal isn't suitable for DD. Maybe one day SM will clue in, maybe not.

[5kidsforME]

Do you start to wonder if the free vacation is worth it?

 

To me vacation is all about chilling out, relaxing and having fun. :)

[dsmama]

Thanks for all the replies. This is just the perspective I need. It is one week. I can take care of my DD as needed, suffer through boring food, and enjoy the beach.

[Jennifer3141]

Ugh. We've had to deal with this with DH's family. I am reasonably certain that my niece and nephew have NEVER in their life eaten a vegetable that didn't come from a microwave bag or fruit that wasn't in the form of juice.

 

I simply show up with stuff now. And when I need more, I go out and get it myself. Blame it on your kids. And you have a PERFECT "excuse" with DD's food allergies.

 

I know that it makes me sound snobby but my kids are not going to eat potato chips and M&Ms all week long. Partly because I care about their bodies but also partly because I'm not going to deal with the emotional fallout from two cracked out on sugar kids for an extended period of time. Crack it out for an afternoon or a party or whatever but overnight or longer?? No way.

[grace'smom]

We just got back from a similar beach trip atmosphere, although we did pay half for the rental. Just fly under the radar, get your own back up supplies, and avoid troublesome people. Maybe try to spend time with your daughter doing special things together so she doesn't notice the favoritism...

[Harriet Vane]

I have ongoing food negotiations with my mil too, bless her heart. I love her dearly and have a warm, friendly relationship with her. She is generous and kind and an incredible grandmother.

 

We are at her house once a week so that my kids can participate in various classes/activities. I am so very, very grateful to have a home base in her home. We also go on a yearly cottage-by-a-lake vacation with dh's parents and also his sister's family. Again, we are grateful, and it's a warm, happy, lovely time.

 

My ds is lactose intolerant. Also I had to be on a strict special diet for several months due to illness.

 

Dear mil and I trade off on the cooking on the one day a week we are at her house. She has been dieting for decades and is very, very fussy about her stuff/her home. I cook extremely healthy food, mostly organic and with tons of fresh produce, and will even go low-fat specifically for mil's preferences. I also make "normal" food for them (ie--food that is recognized by them and traditional). Nevertheless, my food is never quite right for her. When I am cooking she stays right at my side, correcting my use of her pots and appliances and questioning the recipe and my methods.

 

It. drives. me. crazy.

 

Also when we go on vacation, they do the same thing as your inlaws--frequent trips to the store despite the fact that we have enough food to feed a small country, and lots of supervision of food choices and cooking. I feel like we spend more time shopping and fussing than we do playing in the water and goofing off.

 

With that as context, I'll give you my thoughts on your situation:

 

I doubt you'll be able to effect real change. Your cilantro example is case in point. If you offer to make the sides, you WILL be supervised and overruled. If you offer to do all the cooking, you will be supervised and overruled. I doubt they'll leave you alone on this--they will continue to be as fussy and overpowering on this as they are now.

 

Bring your own food for dd and focus your efforts on making sure she has what she needs. You can continue bringing her needs to the discussion, but do so knowing that you will likely not be able to train them effectively, because they don't want to be trained. YOU will have to continue making sure your dd has what she needs, and you may find everyone (including you) are happier when you just do it without discussing it with everyone.

 

Other than that, have a beer and try to be grateful for their generosity and the love they do show.

[ChristusG]

I'd just hit the grocery store myself and tell SM "DD has so many food allergies that I know it's hard to cook for her....I figure it would be easier to do it myself. Does anyone else want some of what we are having?"

[angela in ohio]

For one week, I would get over it. Someone needs to be in charge of meals, and it makes the most sense for the hostess to do it.

 

We try to make things that everyone likes, skipping things that don't agree with someone (like the spicy food or seafood.) We wouldn't have bought cilantro for only one person, for example.

 

The food allergy thing is harder. It's a shame she can't be more supportive. Could she come to an allergist's appointment with you, so that she would understand? Or you could give her some literature on the dangers of the allergy. If nothing else, it's probably best to pack some snacks for dd.

[kitten18]

 

Maybe I should make a really stiff drink and sit back, offer to do dishes.

 

I think that is the best idea. I would just insist on doing the dishes and all the kitchen clean-up.

[Dmmetler]

We just did a similar trip, and what I did was make sure we were stocked for my family. My DD has sensory issues, and a lot of the casserole-type things my SIL cooks regularly just plain don't work-they hit that threshold where the texture is just right to trigger DD's gag reflex. I'd rather be seen as an overly permissive parent who lets a picky kid have her way than have DD force herself to try and end up vomiting all over the table.

[dianachoate]

I would do C & D. Bring what your need for DD. Perhaps bring a few "special" things for your DD when you see her feeling left out.

 

Do you think that MIL perhpas makes the special plates for the boys because she sees you making one for your DD because of her allergies?

 

Diana

[yellowperch]

do the dishes (after you hang out with the guys, chilling. Get a guy to pitch in with you!). go out to eat once or twice with just your fam. enjoy!

[Oakblossoms]

I would thusly buy my Mike's and my cilantro. Dude who doesn't want Cilantro besides you crazies who think it taste like soap:lol:

[myfunnybunch]

Here are my thoughts as to how I could handle this:

 

A. Offer to cook most or all of the meals, since I end up cooking for DD anyway. I love to cook. I could do some creative things (think stuffed chicken breasts) and save some breasts to be plain, to accommodate the ones who don't eat "fancy food."

 

B. Offer to make cool sides/add-ons or appetizers for the meals

 

C. Do what my DH and his dad do -- just sit and read and have a beer. DH is unwilling to confront his Dad and SM (though he also complains about it to me).

 

D. Shut up, be thankful for the free week, help my DD, stick to status quo.

 

A combination.

 

A) I'd offer to cook one day. "You're working so hard, how about I take over the shopping and cooking for you on Wednesday so you can relax too?" I'd make something yummy, and hope that it would become a tradition that you shop and cook once in a while on these vacations.

 

B) Maybe I'd make sides for a couple meals, "just to help." I enjoy spending time in the kitchen with others, so I'd probably use that as my reason for wanting to help out because it has the advantage of being true.

 

The rest of the time, I'd do C and D. It's hard getting together as a group and negotiating meals and such, and I always try to assume good intentions on the part of others, so I'd try to appreciate the free week and enjoy. :) (I'm not saying you're not appreciative, btw, just imagining how I'd think and feel in your shoes...I often have to take a deep breath and let things go.)

 

Maybe you and your dd (and the other moms and girls) could invite Grandma to do something girlie together, like giving each other pedicures. It may or may not fly, but it might give stepmil a boost toward appreciating the girls too.

 

Cat

[StephanieZ]

How about bringing a cooler and/or box of prepared/frozen foods you like, and that your dd can eat, and simply add these things to the meals and/or serving up appetizers. Veggie sides, baked casseroles, hearty appetizers, etc. Then you won't be "in the way" at all, but can just add these things, or snack on them at will, so that you have tastes you enjoy and that dd can tolerate without interfering with the plans of the hostess. Since someone is always going to the store, it'd also be easy to pick up ingredients for a big snack or appetizer. . . A big mess of guacamole is my favorite beach snack. :) I'd aim to fix things at times that don't interfere with main meals unless you are invited (or offer and are accepted) to handle a particular meal.

[Farrar]

I would offer to cook - in a genuinely nice, I'm trying to take this off your plate, kind of way. The way my in-laws deal with food often stresses me out as well. Thanksgiving was always their big holiday and the one we see them for... but mil always seemed so unhappy cooking and the food was always pretty mediocre to say the least. So I finally offered to cook. And it worked (at least for that holiday - and it's easier to ignore any issues other times... though their cooking has improved in the last few years as well). But my relationship with my in laws might be better than others.

[dsmama]

I'd just hit the grocery store myself and tell SM "DD has so many food allergies that I know it's hard to cook for her....I figure it would be easier to do it myself. Does anyone else want some of what we are having?"

 

I like this idea a lot. Thank you!

[dsmama]

Do you think that MIL perhpas makes the special plates for the boys because she sees you making one for your DD because of her allergies?

 

 

This is a thought. However, usually it's a situation where MIL will say "kids out of the kitchen until dinner" but then two minutes later make a plate for my oldest nephew "because he's hungry".

[dsmama]

Thanks again for all the suggestions! This is my thinking after reading everyone's kind posts:

 

- Chill out more

- Offer to help make apps or extra servings of DDs foods

- Make sure DD has what she needs

- Enjoy the beach

[dsmama]

I would offer to cook - in a genuinely nice, I'm trying to take this off your plate, kind of way. The way my in-laws deal with food often stresses me out as well. Thanksgiving was always their big holiday and the one we see them for... but mil always seemed so unhappy cooking and the food was always pretty mediocre to say the least. So I finally offered to cook. And it worked (at least for that holiday - and it's easier to ignore any issues other times... though their cooking has improved in the last few years as well). But my relationship with my in laws might be better than others.

 

Thanks for this idea. I did host Thanksgiving this past year, and it was SO nice to have things at home, and I had each family contribute a dish or two that everyone had SOMETHING they would eat.

 

I'm going to talk with SMIL before the trip about DD's allergies again, and hope that by grace and patience, it will be a "vacation" and not just a rather stressful "trip."

 

Thanks again to all who posted suggestions or comments. I really appreciate them all!

[nono]

OK, here's the deal: go to the bathroom right before dinner. Previously, have stashed cilantro and other herbs under the sink. Stuff them in your mouth, preferably under your tongue.

 

Go back and eat bland chicken. It'll taste great!

 

If you don't want to do this, mix a pitcher of Manhattans and hide those under the bathroom sink.

 

Just thinking out of the box. It involves a lot less talking. ;)

[dsmama]

OK, here's the deal: go to the bathroom right before dinner. Previously, have stashed cilantro and other herbs under the sink. Stuff them in your mouth, preferably under your tongue.

 

Go back and eat bland chicken. It'll taste great!

 

If you don't want to do this, mix a pitcher of Manhattans and hide those under the bathroom sink.

 

Just thinking out of the box. It involves a lot less talking. ;)

 

Yes, love it. Not a big bourbon fan, but with a mouthful of cilantro, a Manhattan should taste great. In fact, in a plastic Solo cup, no one knows if it is alcohol or sweet tea (yes, we are in the south) unless they are close enough to sniff. Now laughing instead of dreading beach week. Thanks to all!