How to break this habit in my family?

[Cheryl in NM]

I'd pull my sons aside privately and let them know that I am appalled at the stupidity that the men of the family are displaying. How embarrassing for them to behave as if they think oafishness is clever.

 

I'd tell them that what their Daddy says and does is his own business, but their education is my business, and further such displays of absolute ignorance on their part will result in extra lessons of the painful kind.

 

Seriously. I wouldn't put up with this from my kids for 5 minutes. No way.

 

WOW! That is really harsh! You would tell your sons that their father and grandfather are stupid?! I hope you weren't serious.

[SonshineLearner]

I remember telling my mom almost every time... "You want me to pick UP my room??!!" Of course we know that she was saying "Pick up your room"..... My son does it to me now, too..." Pick up the room".... "Pick UP the room?? That's heavy"... "Yup... you know what I mean... so do it" ;) But, there are always things to aggravate another... Ours is kids saying, right after you say something "Well... actually... " and then they tell you that you're wrong.. however small a difference... and you just can't get a sentence out without being corrected.... When I first got married, the kids had been taught that they were peers. Of course sometimes others say things slightly different than is proper, but usually... as an adult... you know when you need to correct or not. (And kids... wow... just think that they should put their opinion in.... too much sometimes...) Of course, some adults are little kids... and so...they direct everything back to themselves. I think this is the real problem... is it mutually funny? Or just a way to have the world revolve around them, in conversation...

:)

[5KidzRUs]

My big problem is getting my teens to stop with the "That's what she said!" puns.

[Geek]

I can't control what others do. But I can control what I do.

 

I would embrace the idea that turnabout is fair play, and I would take them too literally whenever they need me to do something or to answer a question. I wouldn't bring the discussion directly around to my annoyance when they complain about it; I'd just let my reaction stand on its own.

 

In addition, I would leave the room. If anyone says I'm "being a poor sport" or anything like that, I'd simply say, "I don't want to be around that anymore."

 

I would not discipline my kids outright because that is, by default, treating their father with disrespect. But I wouldn't force myself to put up with it either. They can do what they want, but they cannot force me to stick around.

 

It's a matter of boundaries.

 

If my children did it during school, I wouldn't treat it globally b/c that would, once again, be insulting to their father and their respect for him. But I would treat it as interfering with my job as their teacher and come up with consequences. I would make it clear to my children that I won't tolerate things that interfere with my job. I would also bring it back to boundaries and remind my children that they can do what they want...on their own time. School time isn't just their time; it's my time, too.

Edited April 17, 2011 by Geek

[Ester Maria]

A cold sharp stare with a raised eyebrow. Allow several moments to pass for any remaining laughter to die out. Then suddenly turn your head into a different direction and continue whatever you were talking, not acknowledging in any way what happened a minute ago: "So, we were saying that Dante was exiled...".

 

I do not think that all humor is bad - on the contrary, it can be a sign of intelligence at times ;) - but witless 'humor' of this kind, used in a wrong time and setting, and so often that it goes obnoxious, is a habit you definitely do not wish to instill into your children. A person with social cues is bound to start "getting" things after a few instances of the above, and you address it without "addressing" it.

If kids somehow remain insensitive to it, make a "scene" about it once after the stare: shake your head, facepalm, mumble "incredibile", get up and exit the room. I did it once or twice too and I must say, it works wonders - use it as your last resort and only when things are really bad, but it sends a very powerful message.

 

If all of that fails to work, then you will have to go explicit - talk with your children about forms of humor (and why such sarcasm and "punning" are not viewed very highly), general social propriety, etc.

Edited April 17, 2011 by Ester Maria

[ChrissySC]

If you feel confrontational, approach dh about the disrepectful behavior. It is disrepectful to you as a person, and not just as the parent or spouse.

 

Approach it with the idea of behavior modification ....

 

Continue as if you didn't hear the comment. Ask the question again. They will undoubtedly make another brash remark. Ask the question again. Pretend again not to hear the sassy remark. If you are persistent, they will get the idea.

 

I did (sometimes still need too) this with the girls, LOL. Although they do not make the verbal remarks to ignore what I am saying, they do not listen nonetheless or continue on another subject matter entirely. I repeat, sometimes for 5 minutes! That soon remedies the problem for some time.

 

Do not encourage bad behavior. Reward good behavior - the fundamental concepts for behavioral modification. (It works with the dogs. Why not the kids?!? dh?!? LOL):lol::lol::lol:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I went through a phase like this.

 

Frankly I'm with Jean -- I found the examples given in the OP to be hilarious. They may be irritating, but they're funny! Really. It's great to see people enjoying wordplay. Isn't this the fun side of homophones??

 

I think I would just join them. Look for ways to do it to them, ALL DAY LONG. Don't find it irritating; make it a joke. Read Amelia Bedelia! Is there anything else like it?

 

 

It's not funny to the OP. It is is situation of disrespectful behaviour that copletely derails the conversation and causes awkward silences. Better to teach the kids to be less socially awkward, no?

 

(I'm not calling YOU socially awkward, but a person who frequently derails conversations to a standstill would be called that, imo.)

[6packofun]

Tell them that you're going to sign them all up for an English as a Second Language class or get them a tutor to help them with their language issues since they can't be bothered to learn it from you.

[6packofun]

Or, work ONLY on about 3-4 hours of English every day for a week and if they ask why, tell them.

[MamaSheep]

I'm with Jean in that I don't think a little word play is inherently disrespectful, and can even be fun when engaged in appropriately.

 

I am a little startled at the number of people here who seem to be suggesting that the best way to deal with what one perceives as snarky, disrespectful behavior in one's spouse or children is by retaliating and upping the ante by being even more snarky and disrespectful than the offender. I can't see how that solves the problem or sets a very good example. And it certainly seems like you would be demonstrating that snark and disrespect are ok as long as you have the upper hand--which is only setting you up for future disaster.

 

To me, this sounds like a teaching opportunity with the kids. Instead of crushing the children's little egos when they are experimenting with how to join in the joking around with their grown-up relatives, why not TEACH them when it's appropriate, when it's not appropriate (such as during school), and how to tell when the other guy isn't having as much fun with your humor (in any form) as you are so that you can avoid hurting feelings. Set some boundaries--you can do that when we're just hanging out and having fun, but not with school and chores (and then have some consequence if they break the rule--but it's not fair to punish them without first clearly stating the expectation). Or you can do that with your dad, but not with me because I don't enjoy it. But don't assume they're trying to be snarky, they're probably just trying to play like the big people.

 

And as far as a dh goes, what would be wrong with waiting until he's in a good mood, dishing up some ice cream, and then saying you need to talk about something that's been bothering you. Then just calmly explain that you understand that this is how his family communicates, but that it hurts your feelings and frustrates you deeply because you don't know how to have a conversation when people do that, and then ask him to please not do it with you. Just...you know...kindly. One dear friend to another. Like a grown-up. The way you would want him to approach you, if something you were doing was inadvertently bothering him. If you want kindness and respect, be kind and respectful.

Edited April 17, 2011 by MamaSheep

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

WOW! That is really harsh! You would tell your sons that their father and grandfather are stupid?! I hope you weren't serious.

 

No. If you'll re-read my post, I said I would say that they were displaying stupidity and behaving as if they think oafishness is clever. Not that they were stupid.

[Murphy101]

I'm with Jean in that I don't think a little word play is inherently disrespectful, and can even be fun when engaged in appropriately.

 

We aren't talking a little shared family joking word play here though.

 

I am a little startled at the number of people here who seem to be suggesting that the best way to deal with what one perceives as snarky, disrespectful behavior in one's spouse or children is by retaliating and upping the ante by being even more snarky and disrespectful than the offender. I can't see how that solves the problem or sets a very good example. And it certainly seems like you would be demonstrating that snark and disrespect are ok as long as you have the upper hand--which is only setting you up for future disaster.

 

No. The point is that some people don't "see" how rude they are treating others until they realize they don't like being treated the same way. The point is some people think it's cute to publicly bully you until you aren't silent about it in public anymore.

 

And as far as a dh goes, what would be wrong with waiting until he's in a good mood, dishing up some ice cream, and then saying you need to talk about something that's been bothering you. Then just calmly explain that you understand that this is how his family communicates, but that it hurts your feelings and frustrates you deeply because you don't know how to have a conversation when people do that, and then ask him to please not do it with you. Just...you know...kindly. One dear friend to another. Like a grown-up. The way you would want him to approach you, if something you were doing was inadvertently bothering him. If you want kindness and respect, be kind and respectful.

 

I agree with this and said as much in my first post about it. Sorta. I don't feel a need to wait until he is in the mood to hear what I have to say, nor do I usually feel a need to butter him up first with sweets.

 

The ONLY reason I would feel a need to retaliate is if he disregarded my feelings and continued with it. Even then my goal would be less about retaliation and more about making his behavior unpleasant enough for him to stop.

[redsquirrel]

My husband does this on occasion. If it is time to be silly, then he'll get a laugh out of me. If not, he gets a raised eyebrow and he gets told 'you are not helping this conversation move forward. Let me know when you are interested in participating." And I stop interacting with him.

 

That has really cut down on the inappropriate use of such humor. I understand that it is usually an attempt to 'lighten' the mood but it can also feel like I am being disrespected or made fun of. I don't accept that treatment from my partner or my kids.

 

He needs to actually hear your distress and take it seriously. If he does that, then he can back you up with the kids.

[Cheryl in NM]

No. If you'll re-read my post, I said I would say that they were displaying stupidity and behaving as if they think oafishness is clever. Not that they were stupid.

 

Don't you find that a disrespectful way to treat your husband? To me that would be disrespectful to my husband and fostering disrespect for my childrens father in them. I also find it emotionally manipulative. It places the children in the middle of a disagreement between mom and dad.

[Murphy101]

Don't you find that a disrespectful way to treat your husband? To me that would be disrespectful to my husband and fostering disrespect for my childrens father in them. I also find it emotionally manipulative. It places the children in the middle of a disagreement between mom and dad.

 

I agree. I completely didn't address the issue of the kids bc I think the ONLY issue is the husband. The kids will quickly fall into line with dad. Also, if I spoke to my dh, he wouldn't tolerate his sons treating me that way thereafter. That would the end of it in our household. Thank heavens.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Don't you find that a disrespectful way to treat your husband? To me that would be disrespectful to my husband and fostering disrespect for my childrens father in them. I also find it emotionally manipulative. It places the children in the middle of a disagreement between mom and dad.

 

Well, my husband wouldn't act like a jerk and teach his kids to act like a jerk, so I'm only speaking hypothetically.

 

I don't think it is disrespectful to my husband to tell my sons that their behavior must meet a different standard. They know I'm not in charge of raising their Daddy or their Grandpa and that I have zero desire to take on that job, anyway. They also know that Daddy and Grandpa enjoy privileges of rank and relationship that are absolutely not theirs to enjoy.

 

That's why I said, "How your Daddy acts is his business." In my marriage, that is true. I don't have come-to-Jesus talks with Mike. I set my own boundaries as appropriate, and we work together and generally get along well.

 

My idea of respecting him is to let him be himself without having a nagging wife at his heels all the time. I also find it respectful to raise his sons to be an adornment to his life and make him look like a great father instead of letting things slip that will only cause his boys to become pronounced carbon copies of his worst traits.

 

In 17 years of marriage and 15 years of parenting, my method of raising the sons and not the father have worked out for my family. The boys are very close with Mike, and our marriage is also good.

Edited April 17, 2011 by Dulcimeramy

[MamaSheep]

We aren't talking a little shared family joking word play here though.

 

I suspect it rather depends on who you ask.

 

No. The point is that some people don't "see" how rude they are treating others until they realize they don't like being treated the same way. The point is some people think it's cute to publicly bully you until you aren't silent about it in public anymore.

 

I see no reason in the OP to assume that this is the case. But I do think that jumping to conclusions and operating on the assumption that one's spouse is rude, insensitive, and a bully, without even giving him the opportunity to change first, is very damaging to a relationship. I suppose some women will think the man should just know how much this bothers his wife, but men can be incredibly clueless about things like this, and they're not mind-readers. Most of them are happy to try to please their wives, though, if they know what behavior the wife finds pleasing. And most human beings, male or female, appreciate being given the benefit of the doubt.

 

I agree with this and said as much in my first post about it. Sorta. I don't feel a need to wait until he is in the mood to hear what I have to say, nor do I usually feel a need to butter him up first with sweets.

 

Eh...I don't always "feel the need to wait until he is in the mood" or to "butter him up first with sweets" either. My point was only that being sensitive to the feelings of a loved one you are about to criticize is a kind, mature thing to do. In whatever form that sensitivity would take in any given specific relationship.

 

The ONLY reason I would feel a need to retaliate is if he disregarded my feelings and continued with it. Even then my goal would be less about retaliation and more about making his behavior unpleasant enough for him to stop.

 

I suppose this is where we differ. I have never found "retaliation" to be particularly constructive in a relationship I want to keep. It tends to breed more retaliation, which only escalates the conflict. If we each have a goal to make interacting with each other unpleasant enough to want to stop...well...it's just not a recipe for a close and loving relationship, IMO. I prefer stating calmly what bothers me, and then being the kind of person he would not wish to bother.

[Murphy101]

The OP says this is CONSTANT.

The OP says NO ONE is laughing.

The OP says it makes every one feel uncomfortable and stops conversation.

 

I didn't jump to conclusions. I am not presuming the OPs husband is insensitive, tho he is certainly at least socially ignorant.

 

I said I would speak to dh privately about my feelings.

 

At that point, he knows he is being rude to me and hurting my feeling if he continues.

 

IF he then chooses to continue after being given that knowledge, then no, I am not just going to sit there quietly and take it. If you would, then that is your choice.

 

Personally, I sincerely hope the dh of the OP can admit that what matters is how she feels and stop doing it.

[trailofsparks]

I would definitely deal with this. Your dh and relatives are proof that one does not outgrow this sort of behavior.

 

I suppose you can't control dh, but you can raise your children differently. That's what I would focus on - and help your dc (and dh if he'll listen) to see why this is such rude, obnoxious behavior.

 

Trying to think of an object lesson you could try. . . but I'm not so good at that kind of thing. Perhaps someone else will or has added one in this thread.

 

Good luck. It's tough to break generational stuff. Hang in there - you can do it!

[MamaSheep]

The OP says this is CONSTANT.

The OP says NO ONE is laughing.

The OP says it makes every one feel uncomfortable and stops conversation.

 

I didn't jump to conclusions. I am not presuming the OPs husband is insensitive, tho he is certainly at least socially ignorant.

 

I said I would speak to dh privately about my feelings.

 

At that point, he knows he is being rude to me and hurting my feeling if he continues.

 

IF he then chooses to continue after being given that knowledge, then no, I am not just going to sit there quietly and take it. If you would, then that is your choice.

 

Personally, I sincerely hope the dh of the OP can admit that what matters is how she feels and stop doing it.

 

You are misinterpreting what I said. I hope you are not doing it deliberately. ;)

 

I see a vast number of options between just sitting there and quietly taking it, and being intentionally rude and objectionable myself. For example, just calmly withdrawing from the conversation.

Edited April 17, 2011 by MamaSheep

[Ester Maria]

I see a vast number of options between just sitting there and quietly taking it, and being intentionally rude and objectionable myself. For example, just calmly withdrawing from the conversation.

We would all, preferably, like to solve all problems in life calmly, peacefully, smiling and with Job's patience. But quite often, a bitter medicine is much more "economic" quick-fix, particularly for situations like this. I see nothing objectionable in cold stares to send a message, for example... in fact, I deem it an elegantly subtle way of dealing with things, particularly if the other side is not open for direct talks (as children are often not). Remember, we are talking about extreme measures for (relatively) extreme circumstances, not a "default" way of communication.

[Murphy101]

You are misinterpreting what I said. I hope you are not doing it deliberately. ;)

 

I see a vast number of options between just sitting there and quietly taking it, and being intentionally rude and objectionable myself. For example, just calmly withdrawing from the conversation.

 

Ha! No, not intentional. Tho no, I don't see any difference between quietly taking it and calmly withdrawing. Amounts to the same thing to me. *shrug* It sure never worked for my mother either. But if it works for you, happy for you. I think if the guy was quick enough to catch on to such subtle hints and adjust accordingly, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

We would all, preferably, like to solve all problems in life calmly, peacefully, smiling and with Job's patience. But quite often, a bitter medicine is much more "economic" quick-fix, particularly for situations like this. I see nothing objectionable in cold stares to send a message, for example... in fact, I deem it an elegantly subtle way of dealing with things, particularly if the other side is not open for direct talks (as children are often not). Remember, we are talking about extreme measures for (relatively) extreme circumstances, not a "default" way of communication.

 

Yes. This. Much better wording than my blunt self phrased it.:)

 

The Look would totally work for my dh and kids. Even if it was given bc of something they said to someone else and they were all on the other side of the room.:lol:

 

The Look would totally get a response between ridicule and cluelessness from my side of the family's men even if they were the only person sitting directly across the table from me.:glare:

[Homemama2]

I'd just explain to Dad privately how the jokes were interrupting school work and then go w/ Dad and explain to the kids how it's funny sometimes but is not appropriate during school. If they cont. it during school they would be sent to the corner or whatever.

Then, personally, if they kept it up constantly outside of school, I'd just ignore them. But I wouldn't let it ruin our school day.

[kathkath]

When they do it, how about telling them what you would like to do instead, and rewinding/replaying til they get it right with a good attitude?

[MamaSheep]

Ha! No, not intentional. Tho no, I don't see any difference between quietly taking it and calmly withdrawing. Amounts to the same thing to me. *shrug* It sure never worked for my mother either. But if it works for you, happy for you. I think if the guy was quick enough to catch on to such subtle hints and adjust accordingly, this probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

 

 

Yes. This. Much better wording than my blunt self phrased it.:)

 

The Look would totally work for my dh and kids. Even if it was given bc of something they said to someone else and they were all on the other side of the room.:lol:

 

The Look would totally get a response between ridicule and cluelessness from my side of the family's men even if they were the only person sitting directly across the table from me.:glare:

 

 

Part of the difference is that withdrawing from the conversation is not a "subtle hint". It's not an attempt to manipulate the other person into andjusting his behavior. I have already, in this hypothetical situation, expressed my objections firmly and plainly (but in a calm tone and as kindly as I can manage it). At this point, it's just a matter of enforcing the boundaries I have already drawn, and which he already knows about. He can choose to behave any way he wants. I can choose not to sit there and subject myself to it. He can go right on behaving however he wants as long as he wants. But if he wants to talk to ME, he has to follow my rules. It's not subtle, and it's not a hint. It's just following through on lines I have already drawn--plainly, up front, and out in the open. I just see no reason to let another person's childish behavior dictate that I have to behave childishly as well.

 

If a different sort of reaction works better in your relationships, more power to you. It's not something I can relate to.

[MamaSheep]

We would all, preferably, like to solve all problems in life calmly, peacefully, smiling and with Job's patience. But quite often, a bitter medicine is much more "economic" quick-fix, particularly for situations like this. I see nothing objectionable in cold stares to send a message, for example... in fact, I deem it an elegantly subtle way of dealing with things, particularly if the other side is not open for direct talks (as children are often not). Remember, we are talking about extreme measures for (relatively) extreme circumstances, not a "default" way of communication.

 

I have never found this to be the case. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. :)

[*~Tina~*]

When I have a moment I'll have to read all the suggestions! We have that issue here too. Just this week when my dd learned she'd wouldn't be granted the "wish" we applied for, the conversation went like this. . .

 

DD to dh: I didn't qualify to get my wish.

 

DH: You can still have your wish, it just won't come true.

 

Not funny, not appropriate and very annoying!!! Happens all the time. I know how you feel.

[rwjx2khsmj]

Read them Amelia Bedelia and let them know that if they continue to be obtuse, they'd better learn to make great desserts.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

When I have a moment I'll have to read all the suggestions! We have that issue here too. Just this week when my dd learned she'd wouldn't be granted the "wish" we applied for, the conversation went like this. . .

 

DD to dh: I didn't qualify to get my wish.

 

DH: You can still have your wish, it just won't come true.

 

Not funny, not appropriate and very annoying!!! Happens all the time. I know how you feel.

 

 

Ouch. :001_huh: I wonder, if you broke it down privately for your dh, if he would see just how hurtful those words may have been to your daughter? If I were your daughter it would have felt like the knife had been twisted. :grouphug:

[*~Tina~*]

Ouch. :001_huh: I wonder, if you broke it down privately for your dh, if he would see just how hurtful those words may have been to your daughter? If I were your daughter it would have felt like the knife had been twisted. :grouphug:

 

It's sort of a personality thing or conversational habit as the OP was talking about...not *intentionally* callous, just unintentionally thoughtless - but fwiw I did suggest an alternative response that would have been more compassionate.

[Garga]

OP here. Crazy weekend. Couldn't respond until today.

 

I liked the poster who said that some men do this mental sparring in place of goofy physical things that guys do like punching each other's arms. My dh's family is more intellectual instead of physical. They'd prefer to study something rather than watch a ball game, for example.

 

And it's been ok with just DH doing it and the few family dinners. But with DH doing it AND the kids doing it, it's driving me crazy!!!!

 

I really like the ideas of not allowing it during school or during serious talk (like during a reprimand or chore assignment.) A little bit of silliness is ok, but it's gotten WAY out of hand.

 

 

I do not feel belittled by it because my DH treats me like gold in every other area. However, my MIL has told me that she feels stupid around the men in the family. When I told my DH that, he has made a valiant effort to stop doing that to his mother.

 

Again, when it was just DH, it was ok. But with DH and two little boys doing this all the time....I needed to figure out what to do. Thanks to everyone. I'll be starting tomorrow at 9:00 when school starts to let them know there are no "word jokes" during school.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Garga, just to let you know, I've had to prohibit jokes during school too. Ds13 was giving me silly answers on history etc. They were funny in a comic strip sort of way but of course, not school material. Now I tell him to write seriously for school but if he HAS to let out his wit, he's allowed to write his funny answer in the margin or on the other side.;)

[Murphy101]

Yea! I'm glad it isn't an icky jerk kind of situation!:D

 

Tina, I'd just make an effort to head him off at the pass so to speak. "hey honey, such and such happened today. She isn't in a mood to be humored and you probably aren't going to jolly her into it. So PLEASE keep the word games and snide comments to yourself bc whether you mean to or not, they REALLY cut deep."

 

If the dh isn't being underhanded in some way, then a quiet talk in private should be all that is necessary? Sure he might slip once in a while and pop one, but if he is aware that those he loves most don't like it, I would think a loving dh would make a strong effort to greatly reduce occurrences and curb it in the kids?

[Stacy in NJ]

"You don't remember the olden days? But, dear, you're soooooo old, of couse you remember the olden days."

 

"Yes, you are a mail. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but when you fill out forms that ask for gender, remember to pencil in 'mail'."

 

Respond to them with a silly, literal answer. Hopefully this will annoy them to the extent that they'll find it less amusing to bug you.

[lionfamily1999]

Garga... I started to have a similar problem with my two older dc and my dh :glare: For the kids, I rolled with it, I pretended to accept their idiocy.

 

"You want me to take my books outside?"

 

"No, that was not what I meant. I think we need to look into this phrase for a moment, to make sure you completely understand what it means. Once we've found all the definitions for each word, we'll explore what the possible intent of my statement was and decide what explanation makes the most sense."

 

This worked quickly. My kids don't hate the dictionary, but they aren't fans of writing definitions either.

 

With dh, I pulled him aside and told him he was teaching the kids dumb habits (sorry, not nice, I know, but imo THAT is a dumb habit). I told him it was hard enough to convince some people that our children are not being stilted mentally by being at home without having him cheering them on when they act ignorant.

 

Frankly, I find those jokes tiresome 90% of the time. Very rarely it'll strike my funny bone, but for the most part they just irk me.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

It's sort of a personality thing or conversational habit as the OP was talking about...not *intentionally* callous, just unintentionally thoughtless - but fwiw I did suggest an alternative response that would have been more compassionate.

 

It sounds like it worked out ok for you three, then. I'm glad to hear that perhaps MY reaction to it was (hopefully) worse than your dd's. :001_smile:

[trailofsparks]

Garga... I started to have a similar problem with my two older dc and my dh :glare: For the kids, I rolled with it, I pretended to accept their idiocy.

 

"You want me to take my books outside?"

 

"No, that was not what I meant. I think we need to look into this phrase for a moment, to make sure you completely understand what it means. Once we've found all the definitions for each word, we'll explore what the possible intent of my statement was and decide what explanation makes the most sense."

 

This worked quickly. My kids don't hate the dictionary, but they aren't fans of writing definitions either.

 

With dh, I pulled him aside and told him he was teaching the kids dumb habits (sorry, not nice, I know, but imo THAT is a dumb habit). I told him it was hard enough to convince some people that our children are not being stilted mentally by being at home without having him cheering them on when they act ignorant.

 

Frankly, I find those jokes tiresome 90% of the time. Very rarely it'll strike my funny bone, but for the most part they just irk me.

 

Oh, I like this one. Tucking it away, for future use just in case! :thumbup:

[*~Tina~*]

It sounds like it worked out ok for you three, then. I'm glad to hear that perhaps MY reaction to it was (hopefully) worse than your dd's. :001_smile:

 

Your thoughts were appreciated! I pm'd you ;)

[ereks mom]

"You're not being funny. You're being disrespectful." and I would punish accordingly.

 

I'd definately talk to dh and point out the behaviours cropping up in the kids.

 

:iagree:

[*~Tina~*]

Yea! I'm glad it isn't an icky jerk kind of situation!:D

 

Tina, I'd just make an effort to head him off at the pass so to speak. "hey honey, such and such happened today. She isn't in a mood to be humored and you probably aren't going to jolly her into it. So PLEASE keep the word games and snide comments to yourself bc whether you mean to or not, they REALLY cut deep."

 

If the dh isn't being underhanded in some way, then a quiet talk in private should be all that is necessary? Sure he might slip once in a while and pop one, but if he is aware that those he loves most don't like it, I would think a loving dh would make a strong effort to greatly reduce occurrences and curb it in the kids?

 

Thank you Martha. I greatly appreciate your thoughts as well.

 

I'm going to leave it at that now, less I be accused of spouse bashing and reported in kind, but I'm taking notes on the advice being shared, in hopes we can get the speech a bit more focused, thoughtful and positive.

[*~Tina~*]

, my MIL has told me that she feels stupid around the men in the family. When I told my DH that, he has made a valiant effort to stop doing that to his mother.

 

Reading this reminded me of someone else I know who does this (the father of a lifelong friend of mine). . .it doesn't make me feel stupid when he does it, but it is quite awkward and very hard to carry on any type of intelligent or beyond surface level conversation with this person.

 

He's not offensive, just always in snarky mode.

 

I'm glad your dh has shown so much consideration for his Mother and is making effort to stop doing it with her. That is progress :D