Punchie Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 For some reason, DD4 (5 in sev months) has recently started telling DH or I that we don't love her (or that we hate her). This only happens when she's gotten in trouble for being naughty (say sneaking powdered sugar into her toy teapot, which I discover only after the baby is covered in white dust after shaking it). It also happens when we tell her she needs to eat food she doesn't want to at dinner (say a vegetable). She'll go on an on about it. How do you respond? I am at a loss as to how to effectively handle this and nip it in the bud. It is frustrating to say the least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My response to this sort of thing when they were little was along the lines of "Nice Try, kiddo - you are still in trouble for doing XX" and then go about my business. My kids gave it up as a useless tactic (and moved on to something else). Sounds like she found something to push your buttons. Ignore and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My reply to that and all of the similar exclamations is always "I'm sorry you feel that way." And then disengage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 Each of my kids tried that once. I said, "Oh yes, I don't love you. That's why I let you sleep in my room, make a shambles of my home, make good meals for you to eat, completely disrupt my life..." I smiled broadly as I did so, and ended it with lots of tickles and cuddles. Now they often will spontaneously say, "Mom let me mess up the den with my toys. She loves me!" :) Maybe you just need to reframe her definition of loving actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 For some reason, DD4 (5 in sev months) has recently started telling DH or I that we don't love her (or that we hate her). This only happens when she's gotten in trouble for being naughty (say sneaking powdered sugar into her toy teapot, which I discover only after the baby is covered in white dust after shaking it). It also happens when we tell her she needs to eat food she doesn't want to at dinner (say a vegetable). She'll go on an on about it. How do you respond? I am at a loss as to how to effectively handle this and nip it in the bud. It is frustrating to say the least. Ok, having gone through at 4 a few times with my own and dozens with others, I would not choose the battles of powdered sugar (I'd have her clean it up) and I don't make my kids eat something specific if they don't want. However, I'd apply a "benign neglect" response to the manipulative "you don't love me" statements. Often with kids, what you focus on, you get more of. I'd ignore the statements and concentrate on the discipline issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create Your Ritual Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I would tell my dc that I absolutely love THEM, I just don't love the behavior, and as long as they continue to do that behavior they will 'get into trouble' or 'have consequences'... my dd when she was younger would then reply ... "I don't know what CONSEQUENCES are!"... LOL. At 10 she does now. ;-) It's just an age thing I think, as that was when it happened for us as well.. around 4-7 or so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My DD did this at 5yo. At 6yo she is trying out "My life is awful, I outta die!" Said very dramatically:001_huh:. And no, she is not depressed or suicidal, she is just trying to get to me. I agree with others, ignore it and continue on with the real issue... ya know, the one they are trying to distract you from;). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I sort of ignore. Ex. DS leaves his cereal bowl on the floor (his choice to sit on the floor), I tell him to clean up after himself. He says "no, I hate you, I wish I was never born." I say "yes, I love you too, I'm glad you were born, now clean up your cereal bowl." I try to show him that I accept his feelings, I love him, and I will not get into a fight with a 6 year old! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlbuchina Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My dd5 is the only one who does this (she's my drama queen. Dd7 just cries like her heart has been shattered). She didn't say it often, and it is getting fewer and farther between times. To the "I hate you" statement I have always responded with, "I know you're angry with me, but you still have to/can't/must" whatever the situation was. I know her saying it was an expression of anger, and she has begun to switch over to telling me that she is angry, not that she hates me. To the "You don't love me" statement (this one is so rare, I can only remember her saying it once), I do pretty much the same thing. I do add in that she knows that isn't true and I know she's angry. The whole spiel again. During all of these I will try to remain calm and make sure I am not using a tone that matches her's. And, there are lots of hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" once the situation has calmed down. From both sides. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I have taken a child aside when they are calm (not during the middle of an episode) and said, "Hey...do you know how sometimes you say that I don't love you (or that you hate me or _____). Is that really true?" I have explained to them that I do love them, that saying that they hate someone is hurtful, etc. Then I remind them that from now on those saying will not be tolerated. If they say it, they go to their room until they can cool down. That's it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TX Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I just calmly say, "I do love you which is why I will not allow you to...", or "I do love you which is why I want you to..." The important thing is to stay calm and not take it personally. And it is very normal kid behavior. Susan in TX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 I ignored this monster and it grew :glare: Luke started slapping himself (because it's very hard NOT to respond to that), then he realized that telling other people (not Mom and Dad) that he's a jerk and no one likes him would get a FANTASTIC response. We're still working on it. He's not allowed to say someone else hates him (unless they've actually said that), because that is telling lies and telling lies hurts everyone. He's not allowed to call anyone, himself included, a jerk or hit anyone, himself included. :banghead: I never thought I would pine for the days when my kids said they hated ME. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punchie Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you for the suggestions! I've ignored her. I've told her that I do love her, this conversation is over. I've told her then she should take out a newspaper ad and find new parents. I've told her that if she does something naughty she still has to deal w/the consequences. And I've asked her if mommy/daddy has ever said they don't love her/hate her. She'll still say it. Next time, I'll just say one of the above once and be done w/it (instead of trying to reason w/her). I do like the idea of tickling into submission. She has responded well to that for other things. Hopefully the combination of me not rising to the bait and us moving into a house in 6 wks will help. I'm sure that being stuck in a small apt when the weather is bad is taking its toll. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) Don't bite. Don't engage. What does SWB say...shower, sandwich, nap? Maybe not a shower for a 5 year old. lol One of these is bound to work. Edited April 12, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 At the moment of the complaint, I would say in my best Pollyanna voice, "Of course I love you sweetie, that's why I want you to eat dinner with the family/learn to behave/use your manners/etc." Said once, calmly, and then moving on to something else. But I would also make a point to myself that later on in the good moments, I must fit in extra love messages in whatever method will be most meaningful to the child -- extra snuggles, extra love notes, extra cookie baking together, extra words of affection, extra small thoughtful gifts, etc. I wouldn't assume that this is just a random complaint or manipulative behavior, I would take it seriously and leave no room for doubt that my child feels completely loved. Also if there is typically yelling over things like the powdered sugar, I would work on that, moving toward calmly having the child fix the issue (in this case cleaning up) rather than me yelling at the kid. You accomplish the same thing (mess gets cleaned up, kid gets a lesson that this was not a good idea) but it doesn't potentially but a chink in the relationship. Just guessing here, I don't assume that this is what is happening with the OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My 15yo still tries this one! Nowadays I just tell him lovingly-" well, I guess no I dont love you then", smile and move on. Its just a manipulative tactic- he tries them all the time! And he knows he is loved very much! But in a 5 yo I wouldnt tell them I didnt love them because they mightnt have the developed sense of humour to understand you are joking and calling their bluff. I guess it would depend if you felt they really didnt feel loved, or you didnt tell them much that you loved them- in which case I still wouldn't respond at that time, but later I might make a point of telling them- but no matter what, I would jst focus on the issue not on their attempts to blackmail you! I have told my kids sometimes that as a mother sometimes i need to practice tough love. Kids aren't stupid- they get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punchie Posted April 12, 2011 Author Share Posted April 12, 2011 Well, she did it again tonight. This time b/c she accidentally head-butt DH in the mouth while rough-housing. She was upset over hurting him, and when he told her it was alright, it was just an accident, she started wailing that we didn't love her and ran out of the room. DH followed her and told her he loved her, but she kept repeating herself. So I swooped her up and in an overly melodramatic voice said, "oh this poor, unloved child! whatever shall we do w/her?" This evolved into us tickling her, her calling us silly, and life went back to normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted April 12, 2011 Share Posted April 12, 2011 My son didn't do this, but anythng skirting on the absolutely idiotic and whiny/piteous/insulting, like this, I bust up laughing. He ends up laughing, and then we start, in a silly voice, saying outrageous things to each other. My mother used "Your mother wears army boots" as a horrid and fake insult. My son thinks that is a riot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Well, she did it again tonight. This time b/c she accidentally head-butt DH in the mouth while rough-housing. She was upset over hurting him, and when he told her it was alright, it was just an accident, she started wailing that we didn't love her and ran out of the room. DH followed her and told her he loved her, but she kept repeating herself. So I swooped her up and in an overly melodramatic voice said, "oh this poor, unloved child! whatever shall we do w/her?" This evolved into us tickling her, her calling us silly, and life went back to normal. very cute, that sounds like a really good way to handle it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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