Laziness and attitudes in 12/13yo boys...help

[michaeljenn]

So, my sweet son is not so sweet anymore! He has shown an attitude and laziness in just about every area of his life. I am trying to be loving and firm at the same time.... but I think it is coming across as harsh.

 

Some examples... He has his own room with his own bathroom. He is to keep his room clean and his bathroom clean. He is suppose to clean his bathroom daily... wipe counters, swish toilet, ect.. once a week he is to deep clean it... wipe walls counters ect... I have tried not to intrude, so I just simply ask, did you clean your bathroom. He says yes.... I say great and we move on. On Monday, he went to work with his dad, and they left very early. Being the sweet mom that I am:tongue_smilie: I decided to clean his room and bathroom for him. I thought it would be nice for him to come home to a clean room after a hard days work:) Umm, well, it looked like he has not really touched his bathroom is months. The toilet was very discolored... yuck!! and there was an inch thick of dust everwhere that should have been cleaned on a daily/weekly basis. So of course I confronted him about it. He says he has cleaned it and it looked good to him.... so the attitude began. sigh...

 

 

Then..... Yesterday, I asked if he finished his math and he said yes. (we are only doing math and reading right now..... until we begin our new year in July) So, this morning I get up to check his math before he begins a new lesson.... and he did not finish AT ALL!!!!!! So, I ask him about this and he said he did not finish because he did not have the graph paper he needed. Well... all he had to do was come tell me, but he did not do it... he said he just forgot!!! Whatever. So he has to finish his work from yesterday and do a new lesson today... which made him very mad. SORRY

 

 

So, I am trying to figure out what to do here. I know that he is going through changes and I want to be gentle, but not taken advantage of. I really don't even know what form of punishment to give him.

 

I really just need advice here. He has always been a great boy... and well, I don't want to damage our relationship by responding bad. Help????!!!!

Jennifer

[Cindy in FL.]

I don't have any advice for you, but as the mother of a 12 yo boy I can totlly commiserate. I'll be reading the responses hoping to gain some wisdom myself!

 

Cindy

[momee]

Same situation here tooo often for comfort.

I can't say how many times we have had a quick check before going somewhere - like a sleepover or practice that all work is done (school or house)...and I've found things that were to have been done not.

Makes me the REALLLY bad mom to cancel them but he's slowly learning over time I mean business. So do his friends, even helping in the accountability regard of reminding him he better get his work done!

 

I think grace is important and by all means exposing the sin while still loving the sinner are key in all issues we face as parents and want to say that first. I have so often mistakenly railed at him for not doing what I asked. That was due to my frustration. I'm really trying to put the issue on the lack of diligence and not the lack of character - very hard imho.

 

I also think this is the time their work ethic and honesty are developing and dh and I stand strongly together that these are important traits to be built into ds. As such, it is one of our major lessons we repeatedly watch for teaching to and one my ds knows is on his list of "to do"'s.

 

Don't give up on this - my dh reminds ds constantly of adults we know who are lacking these things, and the fact that they are in constant financial need as well as their lot in life is a hard one.

Be encouraged and continue in the hard work of parenting. My dh is one of the most diligent hardworking men ever, but ask his mom how he was at 13? HA.

[amy g.]

I sent my 12 year old son to bed early last night to keep from killing him.

 

I really think that his brain isn't working, because he doesn't follow any of my instructions.

 

I really need him to get his act together, because one baby in this family is enough for me.

[Joanne]

have tried not to intrude, so I just simply ask, did you clean your bathroom. He says yes.... I say great and we move on.

 

I've discovered with my crew (13, 11 and 9) that I can't ask. I have to check first and then state truths:

 

"Your bedroom/bathroom/kitchen looks great! Thanks"

 

or

 

"Go wipe your bathroom counter, pick up your clothes, load the dishwasher".

 

I,too, thought by now that they should do it and not lie about it. But it doesn't work that way.

 

He is suppose to clean his bathroom daily... wipe counters, swish toilet, ect.

 

This might be too much,daily. I try to get them to hit "neat", "flushed" and nothing gross. "Deep" cleaning is mostly still done by me.

[Love2Smile]

Well I have a 13 year old daughter who I don't know anymore! She challenges me on EVERYTHING, debates, has to have the last word, rolls eyes, sasses me, back talks me, and I am beginning to dislike having her around. It has got so bad this past week I have considered sending her back to PS. My dh, says I have to be "Stronger Willed" than her.

 

She has had all her electronic "toys" taken away, TV gone, till she can develop a "nicer attitude". She says "what's the point, you still wont give them back, so i'll stay rude".

 

She fights with her younger sister, picks fights, smacks her upside the head for no reason......

[Kari C in SC]

My oldest ds is 19 now. I can honestly say I HATED the age of 12/13. He was so easy going before that. Those couple of years about did me in. Everything you just typed, I could have typed. I have not easy answer for you. I don't know if I did anything right. The only thing that I know happened was he grew out of it. Raising him at 14, was easier than 13, 15 leaned towards the happy kid I once knew. 16 was fun and 17 was a breeze! 18 was bittersweet and 19 has been hard to let go. I tried to be firm with him when he was younger. I tried to choose my battles wisely. There will be something to battle about every minute of everyday with a 13 year old boy. You just have to be sure which ones are worth the fight. That is different for every mom. My last advice is CHOCOLATE - lots of CHOCOLATE! I gained 13 lbs during the course of him being 12/13. I am not kidding. My GYN asked me what was going on and I told her I had a 13 year old boy. 'Nuff said. Good luck! It gets better.

[In The Great White North]

So that's why I've gained weight over the last couple of years!

 

I'm hoping for a lot more suggestions on this. Right now, it's the bane of my existence.

 

Ds(16) seems to hit everything after everyone else. We had the terrible fours instead of the terrible twos, and now he sounds just like your 12-13 year olds. Frankly, I think it would have been easier with a smaller child.

[Tracy in Ky]

Wow. We are pretty normal around here then. Ds 13 is hard to deal with these days-- presence of mind, forgetfulness, rationalizing his way out of *everything,* attitude, arguing.

 

He really is a good boy. It just seems like I have to stay on him like I would a 2 year old. It is really difficult. Maybe this is the way it is when children turn into adults; I suppose it is hard for them also.

 

No advice. Just understanding.

[Danestress]

to me seems to be more about truthfulness than laziness. He's lying to you and then trying to justify it.

 

I think the natural consequence of lying is that people stop trusting you. So I would tell him that for a while, I will be checking up on him very carefully and very often. Really, there is no worse punishment for a boy of 12 then his Mama checking up on him all the time, inspecting the room, requiring that he have this school work checked.

 

You don't have to be angry or severe. You can do this in a way that is relatively friendly and matter of fact. Don't argue about it or defend your decision. Just say "we seem to not agree on what 'dusting' means or what 'finishing' work means, so for a while, we will work on getting on the same page." And do it.

 

This really is a hard age. The more you can have positive interactions, the better. Laugh at his jokes, take him out for lunch, as him what he thinks about things and why, go see Kung Fu movies with him - whatever. Enjoy him as much as you can and let him see how much you genuinely like him. But still be the Mom. Except of him what you except of any other living breathing person above the age of reason - that he clean up after himself, be honest, and show respect for others.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I sometimes think that the room that looks like a nightmare to me really looks clean to him (or at least clean enough). And math homework - I don't even want to talk about that.

 

The good news is that at 13 and 4 months, he's so much better than he was at 12. He's starting to get math, his handwritten work is at least legible, and he now says his room is cleanER - not clean.

 

For me, I have to remember that he's a great kid with a few rough spots that need working on. I try to help him by breaking jobs down into manageable chunks and by supervising fairly closely in a friendly sort of way. I see lots of improvement.

 

I think this is normal stuff and it too will pass.

[kpupg]

Help????!!!!

 

I know exactly what you mean. I have found that I have to inspect. My kids, including 13yos, have their checklists. WHen they've completed them for the day, I review them, maybe ask a few questions. I always review the math and writing assignments daily. If I don't review daily, they WILL get behind. I also have to inspect after they inform me that their daily chores are done. If I don't inspect, they start not to do them ... sigh.

 

Your son won't like being checked up on, but sounds like he needs it. Yes, it's a lot more work for you :(

 

Karen

[jmgconner]

Are you sure you don't have my 12 yo boy over there? I could have written your post word for word. Yeah, my room is clean. NOT! Yeah, I finished my math. NOT!

 

UGH! I'll be reading for sympathy and advice. My Dear Mom did tell me that 12 yo boys are difficult!

[Cabertmom]

I have found that somewhere between 11 and 13, my children hit the logic stage. I know they hit the logic stage because they start debating everything I ask them to do. Now, that doesn't make it easy to deal with these problems. I'm having the same problems with my 11-year-old, but it is a good age to try to use these opportunities to develop logical thinking.

 

All I can suggest is to second the person who said the problem was lying more than laziness and to look forward to the poetic rhetoric stage. :001_smile:

[BeckyFL]

Same here. I've noticed that part of the problem seems to be excessive tiredness. He needs a lot of sleep and sometimes even starts to drift as we're reading. After seeing some of the growth spurts going on, I've been giving him a little extra time to rest. I'd rather have him all there when we are doing school work than half way. It's a pain. My other kids went through a period of needing extra sleep as well. This ds, however, is much more into debating and negotiating everything and anything. That's the part that is most frustrating to me.

[Renee in NC]

It's the age. I was blessed to miss it entirely the first time (my oldest had already gone through puberty before 12.) This made it absolutely shock me coming from the next one. I'm with the PP who said she has to send him to bed to keep from killing him.

 

I do have to inspect when he says he is "done" because done obviously has different meanings for us!

[Tammyla]

Old thread

Edited November 2, 2010 by Tammyla
Old thread

[Gwenhwyfar]

i wonder if the OP's son's behaviour has changed much in the last two years. :p

 

(check the thread date)

[ColoradoMom]

My mother went into my son's bathroom last week and said it looked like a State Park Men's Latrine. :ohmy:

[ColoradoMom]

i wonder if the OP's son's behaviour has changed much in the last two years. :p

 

(check the thread date)

 

Probably...but it just goes to show you that attitude of 12 and 13 year old boys has NOT! :D