I miss my sweet daughter

[Chris in VA]

Something's been bothering me lately.

 

We thought our ds19 would be headed to college this year, but he wasn't accepted into 4 yr school, so he reluctantly went to CC--so reluctantly that he ended up failing everything and quitting. He's relapsed, and we are sort of in limbo.

 

Because I thought we'd need the $, we decided to put Dd back into elementary school. She had gone to 3rd grade there and had a pretty positive experience, but wanted to come home in 4th, and that was more than fine with me. This year, however, she's made friends, made straight A's, in general just done great. I've been floundering around, trying to figure out what to do job-wise--just babysitting and some pet sitting so far. I haven't used the time wisely. I've been depressed on a low level. Most of it is about ds.

 

So I've noticed my dd and I are interacting in such a grouchy way lately. She's hurtful with her tongue, she disapproved of me, etc. It's always in a kidding way, or mostly, and it's actually truthful in some respects, and it's not unduly disrespectful--just sort of harsh. For instance, there were some cookie crumbs in my bed yesterday--I was lying there, reading, and she came up to me and laid down to talk a bit, and said it was gross to have crumbs, I'd get bugs, etc. Geez. On one hand, yes, I need to change the bed. On the other hand, come into my room to chat and insult me...oookaaaay.

 

She's been like that--easily offended, kinda prickly. It's seriously making me cry as I type this. I'm tender right now, but I just feel I can't talk with her for more than two minutes without some sort of, IDK, slightly mean or something, tone from her. It hurts my feelings so much.

 

Should I just suck it up? Am I looking to her too much to be a friend instead of a daughter? Am I feeling some conviction that I need to work on the things she seems to very subtly disapprove of? (I'm fat. I eat too much. I don't clean the house as I should, being home. I...well, I'm just not perfect.)

 

Last night she told me she wants to live in a neighborhood with people around. She used to LOVE our house and our yard. (We are on 20 acres of church land with no near neighbors.) She interacts all day at school, doesn't particularly love school, and gets friend time otherwise.

 

I know she's getting to puberty--breaking away a little is expected. I just didn't expect to be so...hurt. Why am I so hurt? Why am I so tender?

Edited March 19, 2011 by Chris in VA

[Peela]

:grouphug:

I am sensing a sort of disconnect between the two of you and it might be you as much as her. It sounds like maybe you have thin skin right now, but I know what you mean about it not being so much the words as the attitude behind them. Is she unhappy with you about something significant to her life? It sort of sounds like an underlying resentment that is coming out in a spiky way and it may not be personal, just circumstantial, but somehow it is being directed towards you.

 

Can you ask her if something is bothering her or might be making her unahappy, without taking her answer so personally so that you stop her sharing what might be on her heart?

I am just going on my own experience with my kids here, which isn't a huge experience to draw on- but i know when my son gets mean or spiky and/or our relationship deteriorates, it is often because he is deeply upset about something AND he doesn't feel I am listening or really understand- I am in parent role and he needs me to step out of my authority role and being right, and just listen. At first I usually feel he is being so unreasonable but when I listen, I see that from his perspective, its real. It's even more pronounced between him and his dad- and when I think about it, it happens between dh and I too. But if I can be really receptive and ask what is going on and keep listening even when it might be touching something in me that is reacting- I can see things from their perspective and it really makes a difference to have it out in the open.

 

I guess that is how I try and deal with things around here...keep the communication channels really open and just keep going, even if it gets emotional and explosive, just keep going till the issues are up and out. I certainly wouldn't give up on your sweet 10yo daughter- she is way too young to get snipy and hormonal in the way a teenager can- I would say something else is going on.

 

As for the parent/friend thing- I really think if you can't be a friend to your kids, you can't be much of a parent, either. Of course, you cant expect a kid to be a friend back all the time- they are not here to fill us up and fill our neediness- but there should be a healthy flow of love both ways.

[3lilreds in NC]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have no words of wisdom, Chris, and I'm sorry. I wish I did.

 

I do agree with Peela that keeping the lines of communication open is key. I would tell her how her words make you feel. She does sound disrespectful, IMO.

 

My oldest is 10, turning 11 this month, and my younger dd is turning 10. It IS a difficult age. I've been noticing that with the girls being "tweens" and Schmooey being 3.5 and intent on destruction, parenting is not a whole lot of fun just now.

 

That being said, I think your dd could use some guidance on what is appropriate to say. I got a very helpful acronym from a sermon a few years ago, and I use it with my girls all the time. My oldest, especially, tends to speak before she thinks (much like her mother). I think this acronym spoke to me because I struggle with "foot in mouth disease" too and I try to keep it at the forefront of my mind. Maybe you could use it to talk to her.

 

THINK before you speak.

T - Is it true?

H - Is it helpful?

I - Is it important?

N - Is it necessary?

K - Is it kind?

 

If what you want to say meets all those criteria, then go ahead. If not, it's better kept to yourself.

 

Speaking the truth is all well and good, but not if it's not said in love. It doesn't sound like she's speaking to you with much love right now. I'm fat, too, Chris. I don't clean the house like I should, either. I would be very hurt and get angry pretty quickly if my girls thought it appropriate to comment on that on a regular basis, however. Maybe you are a little thin-skinned right now - that's OK. It's OK for her to know, maybe, that you're feeling a little extra sensitive right now and her words are particularly hurtful. I think some parental guidance in how to speak to her mother respectfully would be good.

[Harriet Vane]

Sounds to me like she's moving into puberty. My own dd, who is sooo sweet, and with whom I have a close relationship, became fairly critical in the middle years too.

 

Address it each and every time, but as matter-of-factly and dispassionately as you can manage. Like with the crumbs, "There's no need to criticize. Why don't you try that again?" Coach her along until she's found the right words.

 

If her criticism is more hurtful, then when you ask her to do the do-over, tell her of the emotional impact of her words: "When you say XYZ, that communicates XYZ, and it's hurtful. There's no need to criticize. Why don't you try that again?"

 

Keep calmly giving her the appropriate words, or showing her when it's best not to say anything.

 

It DOES hurt, especially with the unhappiness over your ds. I know what drug addiction is like--I have walked that path with someone very dear to me, for seven years, and it was truly awful.

 

Your dd doesn't realize how her insensitivity hurts, and some of her may also be reacting to the drama with your ds. I would actually wonder if her desire for a home in a neighborhood is more a desire to escape a bit, to have a different life, instead of coping with the unhappiness your ds has brought upon your family? Rambling a bit here, but just some thoughts.

 

:grouphug:

[Melissa in St Louis]

 

THINK before you speak.

T - Is it true?

H - Is it helpful?

I - Is it important?

N - Is it necessary?

K - Is it kind?

 

 

This is genius! I'm putting it on a poster above the kitchen table. Thank you! :D

[katemary63]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Gooblink]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can feel your pain through your post. I have no advice, but can offer prayers.

[dangermom]

There may be more serious things bothering her that are coming out as this picking over minor things. Could she be reacting to your depression and this thing with her brother? It seems to me that she could well be missing you and feeling hurt about it, and letting the hurt come out this way.

[Ester Maria]

From what you write, she doesn't sound seriously rude or even insulting - only annoying and lacking a bit of tact, but then again, what do you expect from a ten year old? Of course they're annoying and tactless and you can't wait for them to become teens because in the midst of teen angst, deep questions on the purpose of life and stealing your clothes and make-up you will, probably, at least be able to normally talk to them every now and then. But right now, you're asking from her the sophistication of the communication she can't really give you yet - even if you model that communication all the time, she will have slips of the kind.

 

Personally, I pretty much waited for them to grow out if the whole "let's outsmart mom" business. You're taking her way too seriously. She's a kid. Her words shouldn't have the power they'd have were they uttered by an adult. If the fact she has a point now and then bothers you, then get up and change whatever it is that you yourself are so aware of that it needs to be changed that it stings even when a kid says that. If it doesn't bother you, but only annoys you, instead of getting defensive, try to smile and ignore her, or tell her "Oh shut up!" in a sort of endearing, semi-joking fashion and change the topic. Or raise an eyebrow and ask her sweetly whether her comments mean that she's volunteering to clean your mess. :tongue_smilie: You might get surprised now and then, LOL. But the bottomline is, stop taking her so seriously or demonstrating to her that it offends you. This doesn't sound like serious, premeditated rudeness or impulsiveness or something to alarm you and address as a discipline issue - just regular annoying preteen brattiness.

 

Yes, teaching her to think before she speaks and all that, but really, you're taking her way too seriously. Don't make it an issue, laugh it away. Talk to her about it only in those rare moments when you catch her truly receptive of what you talk about, otherwise there's not much value in addressing it when it happens.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[katilac]

It's possible that your dd is feeling some resentment about recent family decisions and atmosphere, and this is the way it's coming out (perhaps subconciously). She may feel that she is getting the short end of the stick; ds is the one 'causing trouble,' so to speak, but she is suffering for it. ((I'm saying this may be her point of view))

 

There is stress and unhappiness in the home because of your son failing his classes and so on; she feels the brunt of that. There is a potential need for money ((related to ds?? not clear in post)); she gets sent to school based on that. She is the younger child, but ds is claiming an undue portion of parental attention. Some of this may be unavoidable, but that doesn't keep your dd from feeling the unfairness of it.

 

You mentioned a low-level depression on your part, and that can be very frightening for a child. The criticisms and nagging may be a clumsy effort to shake you out of it, a way of saying, "This is scaring me. Stop being this way. I want Mom back."

 

Yes, adolescents can be critical with no underlying reason, but I don't feel that's the case here. The first things you mention in your post are the troubles with your son, not your daughter, so on some level you must feel they are related. It's very, very hard to be the sibling who isn't causing trouble, to be the one who 'doesn't need' as much help or attention. Ask me how I know ;)

 

Make sure that dd is told, clearly, what is going on and what is being considered. Nothing is scarier to a child that the whispering and significant looks that occur when she is deemed 'too young' to know what is going on.

 

Make sure that dd has your clear and vocal sympathy for what she is going through during this tough family time. Make it clear that her problems and concerns are just as important as her brother's (the 'good' kids often feel like they can't bring up anything 'bad,' because things are bad enough already).

 

Have you seen a doctor for the possible depression? Please, please do.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Thank you so much, ladies. Once again, I pour out my heart and you all come thru with wise advice, much to think about, and kind hugs.

I really, really appreciate you.

[lmrich]

:grouphug:

Can the two of you do a project together? Sometimes when I work besides my children, not begin the leader, but simply with them, it strengthens our relationship. Try something brand new, go somewhere different, volunteer together. My oldest daughter (almost 12 now) has a hard time opening up to me; she wants to, but doesn't know how. I feel like she is sometimes pushing me away on purpose, so she doesn't have to talk to me about what she is feeling or what is going on inside her. Those little insults are a protective mechanism. Don't be fooled. She loves you and she loves you and she loves you.

[mom2bee]

I'm so sorry. For what its worth, not to long ago, I was in the exact same place as your daughter and I want you to know that I always felt badly about what I'd said or done, but I never knew how to apologize and the barbs just sort of slipped out... As you said, the things she says aren't overtly rude or anything, but its tactless and it stings to hear them. I don't think she means to be rude. :grouphug:

 

Maybe you could come up with some activity/hobby to do together a few times a week. Maybe take a class together on something she really likes. When she's critical of you for being lazy of over weight or messy, just smile sadly and say. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I should change the bedsheets, get me some from the linen and give me a hand, will you..."

 

or "Yeah, the kitchen needs cleaning, lets do it together." or tell her "I'm going to start making more healthful meals and taking a daily walk. I wan't you to be my helper, okay?" Make it a project for both of you to be more mindful and closer to one another...Its a great excuse to cook together, be silly together and walk/bike together.

 

Maybe you can talk to her in a more general sense about how to be mindful of other peoples feelings also.

 

:grouphug:

[Margaret in GA]

:grouphug: Kids are soooo hard to raise. We just have to remember to love them. And to not blame ourselves. Hang in there, Chris. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. :grouphug:

[jenL]

No advice, only lots of these :grouphug:.